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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Argh please quick help

30 replies

SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 17:04

Ok wise MN peeps.... totally NOT prepared for this outcome so please help me get perspective

dd1 turns 14yo next month. Very socially confident popular and usually lovely girl although is out a lot.

Me & her dad are divorced. He lives same town 1 mile away.

I have just been away with bf to arrive home to find evidence of a teenage sleepover, masses of MacDonalds remenants, Fanta, Coke bottles, Easter eggs wrappers. No evidence of alcohol consumption (thank goodness).

dd1 just fessed up. She told her dad she was staying at a friend's and they all stayed over Saturday night.

Am a bit blindsided and dunno what the course of action should be. I guess I need to inform the other parents?

What sort of sanctions? Grounding from sleepovers?

Was thinking go for jugular (remove iPhone) but..... no alcohol or boys involved and no mass party. So am trying to figure out how to handle...

Was feeling nice and chilled after weekend away now feels like house has been weirdly violated and now gotta make a snap judgement about this behaviour!!! Argh!!!

Your thoughts please on appropriate sanction/course of actions... all thoughts appreciated....

OP posts:
lookatmenow · 13/03/2017 17:13

Not sure but to give you time tell her what she has done is wrong and you need time to think about a fair consequence and will let her know when you have decided.

That way your back in control and not acting on a knee jerk reaction

Foldedtshirt · 13/03/2017 17:19

How tricky. How certain are you that there was no alcohol or shenanigans? It was very irresponsible of her from a knowing where people were- did the other girls tell their parents you were there? I wonder why she didn't clear up better?

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 17:19

Thanks for that... I'll do that... to clarify, there were three girls here

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MrsC2009 · 13/03/2017 17:21

I remember doing this... I would actually have a chat with her and say you're disappointed she didn't ask you. Tell her you're pleased she wasn't drinking, and that there's no damage etc but feel that you'd rather had known it was going to happen - in case any neighbours had wondered what was going on (as they knew you were away)
Just thinking about how would've worked with me in my rebellious teenage years!
Good luck!

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 17:24

She didn't clear up better because she is only 13!!! And not as clever she thinks. And got picked up from here by her Dad (who really ought to have been more suspicious & switched on - but c'est la vie). Perhaps he arrived earlier than they thought. He didn't come into the house. I think if alcohol I would know. Have checked bins. There was drink left out but was Fanta/Coke.

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Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 17:26

Do I tell the other parents??

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lookatmenow · 13/03/2017 17:28

I would maybe mention that now she has broken your trust In her, any future sleepovers with her at friends are and will be vigorously checked out and that she has now compromised you saying a straightforward trustworthy yes.

lookatmenow · 13/03/2017 17:29

Do you know the kids? At 13 I think I would speak with them when they're next at your house about it, telling them you weren't happy but yes, I think I would also mention to parents.

Foldedtshirt · 13/03/2017 17:33

I mentioned the clearing up in case it had been in the afternoon or there was a logical explanation. How well do you know the other parents? TBH at 13 I'd have wanted confirmation or would have dropped off for a sleepover, but if they're likely to go blame you for not supervising their own dc...
I think I'd go down more in sorrow than in anger route and insist on dropping off collecting for a long time.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 13/03/2017 17:36

You said she told her dad she was at a sleepover, but was the original plan for her to go to him for the weekend, or to stay home alone for some of it, you didn't really say?

If he thought she was staying at a friends, why did he come to pick her up from home, and not think that was a bit odd?

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 17:49

She was at her dad's for the weekend. No plan to be left here at mine. She often goes for sleepocers though. dd1 spun him a yarn about being picked up from here - story she gave was 'because they had been to McDonald's for breakfast' (er yeah right, in a different town, dropped off, mmm Confused ). McDonald's is up the road. He had his suspicions but didn't check it out. He should have followed his suspicions up.

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cdtaylornats · 13/03/2017 18:13

As teenage rebellion goes it wasn't exactly huge.

I would go for a don't do it again and make it known the next infraction will see her offline until she's old enough to move out.

MrsC2009 · 13/03/2017 18:14

I used that one. I also told my mum that my friends mum had gone to work and kicked us out which is why we all turned up at my house for breakfast at 7am.
In reality we had been camping up the mountain..
I think it depends on your relationship with your daughter too.
Would respond better to "disappointment " or anger?

Worriedgranny · 13/03/2017 18:15

Hug her madly and be glad she hadn't advertised a party on fb!!

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 18:16

Hahaha worried you've got a point.

I think that's why I feel I need to chill and get perspective..... she does know about a bazillion people. Only three seem to have stayed over....

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/03/2017 18:21

Seriously it could have been SO much worse, you are quite lucky OP.

But that certainly doesn't mean minimise or ignore what did happen! I would tell the other parents and do what lookatmenow suggests - no more safe trustworthy automatic permission.

Haffdonga · 13/03/2017 18:26

It should be her dad who is punishing her/ contacting the other parents/ taking her phone or whatever. He was the parent she lied to and he was the parent supposedly responsible for her.

So, how well do you co-parent with him? Can you agree with him on a fair consequence and then back him up in carrying it out?

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 18:47

Um, well, with him it's ok. As long as things go ok. His ability to think things through is sometimes limited (hence the divorce haha). It's a good thing we found out once they are back here. He can be knee-jerk reaction type. He was thinking along the lines of grounding her for a long time. I'm thinking more along the lines of 'no sleepovers' for the next month or so. Including no birthday sleepover. Her own birthday is in two weeks. And let's face it she has just had probably the best sleepover ever!!

I will tell her am very pleased re no alcohol and only two friends and no damage. But no sleepovers for the rest of term and tighter control/end of automatic yes/trust re her whereabouts.

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Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 18:48

I think perhaps also earlier iPhone kerfew. 9pm not 10pm.

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Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 19:01

curfew even

(Where's auto correct when you need it..)

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HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 13/03/2017 19:34

That'll hit her where it hurts OP!

Astro55 · 13/03/2017 19:42

I would be as much annoyed at her dad as I was about her!!

Agree ban sleepovers for now plus speak to the parents - their daughters also lied and maybe assumed you would be home!

JoJoSM2 · 13/03/2017 20:14

I think I would tell her how disappointed I was with her behaviour and lying to us. I'd probably ask her what she would do as a parent and what punishment she sees as fair for that behaviour. She might just give you an idea. Otherwise, probably a ban on sleepovers for a while.

wineusuallyhelps · 13/03/2017 22:04

Just a suggestion re. punishment via phones. I keep a £10 PAYG handset in the house. For certain offences, the child gets that phone to use that day instead of their iphone...!

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 13/03/2017 22:22

Argh. So, after a conversation with her dad...

Birthday sleepover is out.
No sleepovers until after the Easter holidays.
Phone curfew brought forward by an hour

Me and dd1 just had a very honest conversation, we normally have a good relationship.

She said they decided to do it 'on the day' after dd1 had said to her dad she was sleeping at friend X's house. And that 'she just didn't update us about the new plan' I asked her what she though the punishment should be. She said 'a bit more monitoring and maybe stay in for a couple of weeks'

Then I explained that it was more than a 'failure to update' and explained what would happen if someone had got ill. Or had an accident and the police or ambulance had come.

I also found two stray tablets (as in medicine) in the kitchen and mentioned them to dd1 - she said friend Y has to 'take 6 antidepressants for her bipolar' (!!!) 'she can't take them and it's disturbing' and I said well two are in the kitchen and that's not safe or ok. And that the other parents will be informed. And that's an example of them not being old enough to do this.

I felt awful telling her about b'day sleepover, she got really tearful. But I just don't think she would have thought much about it without a proper sanction

I did say I was pleased re no alcohol and only two friends. She laughed at that.

Ho hum

Thanks all

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