Argh please quick help

[SaltySeaDog72]

Ok wise MN peeps.... totally NOT prepared for this outcome so please help me get perspective

dd1 turns 14yo next month. Very socially confident popular and usually lovely girl although is out a lot.

Me & her dad are divorced. He lives same town 1 mile away.

I have just been away with bf to arrive home to find evidence of a teenage sleepover, masses of MacDonalds remenants, Fanta, Coke bottles, Easter eggs wrappers. No evidence of alcohol consumption (thank goodness).

dd1 just fessed up. She told her dad she was staying at a friend's and they all stayed over Saturday night.

Am a bit blindsided and dunno what the course of action should be. I guess I need to inform the other parents?

What sort of sanctions? Grounding from sleepovers?

Was thinking go for jugular (remove iPhone) but..... no alcohol or boys involved and no mass party. So am trying to figure out how to handle...

Was feeling nice and chilled after weekend away now feels like house has been weirdly violated and now gotta make a snap judgement about this behaviour!!! Argh!!!

Your thoughts please on appropriate sanction/course of actions... all thoughts appreciated....

Thanks for the update OP. I am furiously taking notes - my teen is 13 1/2 and I am sure I have some of this to come!

I wouldn't go crazy - its not a terrible infraction - quite harmless really.

Having said that I've just remembered my best friend threw a surprise 18th birthday party for me at her house using the housekeeping money her parents left when they were away. I dont recall ever feeling bad about it or getting in any trouble... We were 18 but it was pretty naughty...

Up to a certain age, an age where effectively you feel confident in a DC's ability to manage the worst consequence, not only of what they might do , but also what their wildest/stupidest friend might do, and yes, think the worst- alcohol, drugs, unsuitable 'cool' random invited back from the pub, until DC reach that age , which will vary with the individual, then I learnt ( the hard way): check that where they claim to be going has an adult there.

This can be a 'casual' phone call, to thank the other parents/ check what time to pick up, or when they'll be back. If your DC know you will always check, then they know they can't tell fibs.

Am I an embarrassing DM? Frankly I don't care. By the age of 16, I was sometimes not even in the same city, let alone at the friends house where I claimed to be.

Hope she had to clear up the mess. I'm thinking you and your ex have to communicate more about what she is up to. Speak to the other parents, this might be a one off or it might be the tip of the iceberg....you'll have to watch carefully. We did shit like this very occasionally as teens - admittedly we were a couple of years older but it was all fairly innocent. Punishment is said to be ineffective at preventing things happening again but it may make the parent feel better and more in control. I think you did the right thing to discuss with her exactly why what she did was irresponsible. Coming down hard on her will achieve nothing.

I have just found out that there were boys at this sleepover.

To say I am livid is putting it mildly.

I just picked her up from her friends (which is how I found out, one of the boys was laughing and said 'can we sleep at your house again') she got all cross and tried to deny then said 'he only stayed til midnight'

Have just sent her to bed and will have a meeting with her dad tomorrow to discuss what the hell to do with her.

Since this happened I also found a sexy pink thong of hers in the bathroom.

I think my dd is out of control.

She is 14 mon Monday. I can barely look at her.