How do you tell 'ordinary teen behaviour' from something more worrying?

[CosyLulu]

I've been worried about dd for about 9 months now. She had some issues at her school and we moved her to another school thinking that might be the end of it but in many ways things have been worse.

She's 14.5, doesn't eat much at all because she says she's not hungry. She is insistent that she is not trying to lose weight and the food she chooses to eat isn't 'diet' food at all. She would live on biscuits and desserts if she could.

She's not interested in socialising except via chatting on the phone in a very limited way. She spends her evenings and weekends watching re-runs of TV shows obsessively and occasionally playing Minecraft. She's stopped reading although she continues to draw - she's always loved art. She has no motivation in her school work at all.

She doesn't tolerate physical contact of any kind where she used to be very cuddly and affectionate. She is distant, uncommunicative, angry and frequently extremely blunt and rude. Now and then we manage a chat but we seem to so chronically misunderstand each other that it's no fun for either of us.

I know that a lot of these things can be put down to being a 'teen' but I feel so worried about her. She's being seen by CAMHS as she has OCD although she says she doesn't want to go any more as she is 'fine'. The trouble is that she says that in furious rage with tears pouring down her cheeks so I am not sure how to take that.

I'm at a loss to know what to do for the best. I've backed off giving her advice, asking questions and confronting her as it is horrendous when I do - arguments, tears, hatred in her eyes. I want to be there for her and help her.

Any advice?

Sound so like me at 15.

Would she be interested in doing a mbti or enneagram test to see what her personality type is?

I was always considered grumpy and antisocial. Turns out I'm an INFJ, and learning this made me feel far more at peace with myself

Does she try to talk to you about anything?

I find mine have no-notice outbursts when suddenly they can't stop talking to me about the trivia in their minds. I grit teeth (it's usually their boring obsession) & drop everything & listen. Listen, Listen, Listen.

Reow, that sounds really interesting but I've never heard of it! How can I find out more?

lljkk, yes she does talk to me about YouTube and Dr Who and things like that. I listen but, I know this sounds awful, she is really inarticulate and rambling and every other word is 'like' and so I do lose interest a bit although I try hard not to show it. I take your point though and I will try harder.

My now nearly 17 dd was exactly like that. A lot of them go through the not eating stage. It's very worrying. I found she would open up to me at strange times when the pressure was off, so would suggest just making yourself available as much as possible and asking to include her in everyday things, doesn't have to be special. It's horrible because you want to take the pain (hers and yours) away but they all go through the teen angst to varying degrees I think.

My 16 yo ds was very much like this for the last 18 months or more. He eventually opened up and agreed that there was a problem and has been diagnosed with depression.

He's having counselling, and appears to be a little bit better.

It's fucking hard work. Im a wreck

I hope your dd turns a little corner soon. I totally agree with it being hard to figure out normal teenage behaviour from more worrying stuff.

Sending you support and

Thank you all. This is very helpful.

Cosy you can take the tests online.

Google "free Myers Briggs test" and "enneagram test"

You can buy books about them too. Honestly I was amazed at the result, it was like being told all about my weird traits that I'd always thought meant there was something wrong with me. I now feel far more self accepting and less hard on myself if the way I feel/behave doesn't conform to how someone with a more common personality type would behave.

I'd be interested to hear her result and how she feels about it!

Reow what's INFJ? Just asking as I can be very grumpy and antisocial depending on my mood..

It's an introverted personality type. Google it, you'll get loads of info.

Google mtbi or Myers Briggs test. It's all very interesting.

I did my test and dp did his and it really was interesting! dd started one but didn't want to continue as she didn't like some of the questions ...

I'm ISFP

Aw bless her. Does she not want to continue it? Maybe she could finish it privately and have some time to process what it means.

Did you find it helpful?

I did find it helpful actually. I'm a INFJ -A/-T if that makes any sense? Apparently I'm rare! It was so accurate. It's an Advocate Personality.

Had a major moment with dd late yesterday evening when she called me into her room, unable to sleep. She admitted how down she was and we went for a walk outside, she had a hot chocolate and a cuddle and although shattered this morning, she seems like a weight is off her mind.

Now I'm trying to work out what to do best to help her.

I'm an INFJ too. We are very rare and special

Sounds like she's definitely an IN type. Maybe an enneagram test might be better for her? Though if she didnt like the MTBI questions she might not like the enneagram either.

Would she be interested in trying yoga or meditation? There are some great online platforms she could use.

She had an app called HeadSpace which she downloaded and used around 6 months ago when things were very bad. She kind of reached the end with it though.

I'm going to try to get her to do one of those tests again but I have little confidence in my powers of persuasion with her at present.

I spoke to her CAMHS worker today and we have discussed some simple plans of action for her but the biggest obstacle is going to be getting her to make changes and face challenges. At the moment she yearns for nothing other than sitting wrapped in a duvet watching endless repeats of Dr Who on her laptop. Not eating, not drinking, not communicating.

It's all such a shock because just a year ago she was so happy, chatty, bonkers and enthusiastic.

No not yet. I will do anything though and so will dp. We're so worried.

Could you and she do yoga together? My daughter had a problem with depression and is completely different now - she does it every day (not just at the studio) and is really into the clean eating thing, too - yoga is very good for anyone who dislikes themselves or has the start of eating problems, etc. It's been fantastic for my daughter and there's a whole community of people out there who are into it. It's brilliant for your body shape, too!

Thanks katronfon. Good advice and I'll ask.

I know what you're saying is right and that there is some wishful thinking on my part that some of this may be 'normal' but also a desire to get some good practical advice from people who have been through similar.

Katronfon, you are not bossy at all, I really appreciate it.

I am seeing a counsellor myself actually, I started about a month ago. Not just dd related but it helps with that too.

I'm going through very similar atm with my teen.

She is starting to see CAHMS next week. The Dr is not sure if she has an eating disorder which is triggering anxiety/panic attacks and depression or if the depression and anxiety came first and are triggering the disinterest in eating.

She also won't allow physical contact which is really really hard when she's sobbing her heart out and I just want to hug her

My DD problems seem to stem from school. She hates it there. She's come home from school today and cried herself to sleep at the dining table. I've helped her up to bed. I've no doubt that she will refuse to go tomorrow.

I've no advise, I don't have a clue how to help my own child much less yours, I just wanted to offer sympathy and let you know you aren't alone.

We watch YouTube videos together quite often. She doesn't talk to me about anything important during this but it helps me to feel that I am connecting with her on some level and spending time with her hopefully in a way she finds enjoyable. Maybe try that? I know with my DD if I asked her to come and watch them with me, she'd refuse whereas when she 'accidentally' catches me watching them, she pulls up a chair and joins me. Some of them are quite funny (others are just annoying or downright baffling)