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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD 16 wants to go to mixed sex sleepover.

68 replies

Giddyaunt18 · 15/02/2017 19:10

DD has some friends that she's started to identify with through school, music and gigs. It's like she's finding more of an identity which is great.Just recently some of those friends have had 'gatherings' at their houses, and because they live far out(15/20 miles away) have said they can all sleep over. We don't know these children or their families. We have said no, she can go to the gathering but we will pick her up at midnight. She has gone off like a rocket, she hates us, we are so unfair, why are we her parents, everyone else is staying(girls are lying to their parents btw) etc lots of door slamming. She is our eldest so this is all very new.Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 16:44

I just don't know what goes on. I've seen group chat messages about trying weed. Not from my DD but people in this group. We've talked about it, she doesn't smoke and says she would say no to any cigarette. I just worry that even if she doesn't, what will the mood and behaviour of the others be that do partake? To me it's like alarm bells going off inside. Very hard to ignore them.

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Original poster

Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 16:44

She is in yr 11.

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GeorgiePeachie · 16/02/2017 16:46

Depends on the Sleep over. I think. We went to gatherings together and it was all platonic and friendly at that age all sleeping on a big sofa bed or sofas and floor in one room.

is she sexually active? Does she HAVE access to condoms?

scooobydooo · 16/02/2017 16:47

I went to mixed sleepovers at 16, there was no sex, few beers, some people smoked, nothing awful happened we mainly just stayed up all night chatting and watching films.

TBH I think 16 is about right for doing stuff like this, I do think it's an over reaction to not allow it.

Original poster

Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 16:55

No she isn't sexually active, she had this distant bf but tells me they've only kissed. I believe her as they usually meet up with others for a gig etc. She was quite slow to develop with boys etc. This bf is no longer as of recently but will be there. She says she doesn't want a relationship at the mo.

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whomovedmychocolate · 17/02/2017 11:23

On the positive side she has CHOSEN to talk to you about it and ask permission openly. That shows you did a great job raising her. Alas you have actually now done the majority of raising and now you have to switch to supporting.

Talk to her about the important issues raised and ask 'what would you do if....' questions so you can be confident she can handle issues which might occur. Agree with others you should let her go 'as an experiment' if it makes you feel more comfortable. Then review it afterwards. :)

Original poster

Giddyaunt18 · 17/02/2017 13:29

All good advice. Will definitely not say yes or no straight away in future so I don't make off the cuff decisions. I don't want to ruin the openness that she has and need to reward her for it in some way. Only 18 months until she is an adult! Thanks oh wise ones.

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user1487344693 · 17/02/2017 15:28

Coming from a 17 year old teenage girl herself (only made this account to reply to your thread) I think its completely unfair if you didn't let her attend! And the fact she's telling you where she wishes to go in the first place shows she is more responsible and honest than most teenagers! My parents were/are fairly strict and as much as i love them its only caused me to sneak around behind their backs in the past. By saying no she will only continue to try and do it but in more dangerous way without you knowing.

Penhacked · 18/02/2017 07:03

I had a mu who just didn't really talk about sex and I didn't feel comfortable telling her that I was having sex. Getting condoms was really difficult and it all erupted when I was away at a summer school, my period was late and I thought I was pregnant. I hadn't actualky had sex, we were just fumbling but with the bodily fluids dangerously close to sex, and obviously when you have a late period, you worry. It was traumatic. Give her a supply of condoms now and a very firm talk about everything including respect and consent while it is still just theoretical.

Kennington · 18/02/2017 07:07

Absolutely not.
I remember what went on at the couple of mixed sleepovers I went to.
She is only 16 and it isn't just about sex.

youngmummy29 · 18/02/2017 07:13

I'm only 19 so I'm speaking from experience and not to look down on you but my mum deprived me of going anyway. I was locked in the house didn't go out at all so by the time I was 18 and free I done everything o couldn't do when I was younger and got into a lot of trouble for it. Give your daughter her freedoms and chances are she won't betray it however of you lock her away then she may just turn against you like I did

knaffedoff · 18/02/2017 07:28

There was an report on our local radio from a mum who's daughter's life had had been "destroyed" having been raped on what appears to have been a mixed sleepover. The boy concerned was a friend and is now a convicted rapist. She was a similar age to your daughter

Polichinelle · 18/02/2017 10:29

I was going on mix sleepovers say that age and my parents never knew any of the other parents. We watched films, sang, drank moderately and that's about it. Occasionally a couple would form and there will be done snogging in a corner, but to be honest, it was all very tame. I am still friends with most of those people 30 years later. I would let her go.

HappyAsASandboy · 18/02/2017 10:40

I grew up in a rural area, so gatherings normally involves sleeping over.

I was going to mixed sex sleep overs from about 14 years old. No one had sex at them unless they were already having sex IYSWIM. The sleepovers definitely didn't mean sex started earlier or between non-couples.

In hindsight I can also see that all my first experiences of sex and alcohol were at friends houses with groups of friends around. Others from school were sneaking in to pubs and drinking in parks by 16 years old; I am so so grateful for a fantastic group of friends and their tolerant parents for giving us a safe space to try all that stuff before we went to university and had fewer adults to look out for us.

LoveBeingAMum555 · 19/02/2017 07:27

My 16 yo DS has been going to mixed sleepovers/parties/gatherings regularly since last summer. I know that there is sometimes alcohol involved which I am not overly happy about but it seems to be the norm these days. We live in a very rural area, his school friends are very spread out in villages up to 20 miles away so sometimes it's more practical for him to stay over.

I don't always know the parents but I do drop him off and pick him up at their house and if there is an opportunity to say hello to them I will do so. He knows the kind of behaviour I expect from him and he knows that if it ever gets back to me that he has overstepped the mark then there will be trouble.

We also have a rule that if he was ever anywhere and he did need to get home he can ring us. Even it was 3am and he was somewhere he wasn't supposed to be and was drunk/had taken something or whatever we would get him. There might be consequences the next day but i always take my phone to bed with me just in case.

I might sound chilled out about all of this but I am not really. I worry about him at times but he is 16 and essentially a good kid with a nice bunch of friends and so far I have no reason not to trust him.

dancetothebeat · 19/02/2017 07:42

Hmmm. I'm on the fence about this one. I went to mixed sleepovers at this age. There was a lot of drinking and subsequent throwing up in plant pots/carpets, smoking, smoking weed and sexual encounters. And we were classed as the "nerdy" and boring kids at school!!

I suppose looking back I was given a lot of freedom at this age, I felt very old and mature I would've hated not being allowed to go but it could put your daughter in a situation she's ill equipped to deal with.

I'm not saying your DD and their friends will be doing any of the above but they are at an age where hormones are all over the place and really have free rein to do whatever they want with no supervision. It's easy to get swept up in it all and with the presence of alcohol inhibitions will be lowered.

Original poster

Giddyaunt18 · 19/02/2017 08:57

You've summed up my worries there dance . In the end she went to the gathering but we picked her up at 12 am.She didn't appear tipsy and seemed to have a good time. She had calmed down in the end about it and accepted the terms of going this time, I think a couple of others were being picked up too. Next time I will try to be calmer and think about my response. Thanks everyone, it has really helped to get some perspective on this so until the next teenage parenting dilemma, adios!

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peterjones32 · 23/02/2017 21:59

What about a group of mixed16/17 year olds going to a sleepover in an otherwise empty flat in the middle of Brighton with alcohol and knowing that some parents are probably unaware that that is where their child is?

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