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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 16 wants to go to mixed sex sleepover.

68 replies

Giddyaunt18 · 15/02/2017 19:10

DD has some friends that she's started to identify with through school, music and gigs. It's like she's finding more of an identity which is great.Just recently some of those friends have had 'gatherings' at their houses, and because they live far out(15/20 miles away) have said they can all sleep over. We don't know these children or their families. We have said no, she can go to the gathering but we will pick her up at midnight. She has gone off like a rocket, she hates us, we are so unfair, why are we her parents, everyone else is staying(girls are lying to their parents btw) etc lots of door slamming. She is our eldest so this is all very new.Help!

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 15/02/2017 23:04

I do not understand parents who think they can unilaterally decide what their 16+ yo offspring can do particularly outside of their home.

My mum tried to have this kind of authority over me.

I moved out.

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2017 23:12

It depends on what your fears are. Mine , for my teenage daughter centre around pregnancy, coercive sex, and being too drunk to know if any consent/ coercion happened .
So we talk a lot about consent, contraception, self respect, not being afraid to walk away from situations that don't feel right, peer pressure, and how to limit/ dilute alcohol intake.
I'm not against my daughter being sexually active ( though I come down heavily on the side of wanting it to be within a relationship), but I really want it to be happy healthy sex.
Part of me would prefer it of drugs stopped existing, that she was allergic to alcohol, and that she lived in a convent. But reality keeps creeping in, and I know that if I'm going to be any help to her navigating her way through today's works, the lines of communication need to be firmly open.
Best of luck with your decision op.

Bensyster · 16/02/2017 08:45

Agree Ohyesiam The thing that worries me about teenagers is that they do things to prove their parents wrong and this can very much back fire on everything the parents are trying to achieve. I don't think your dd being annoyed with you is not a sign of immaturity - it's her being frustrated with your decision, it sounds like a very normal reaction. If I was to let her go - I'd offer a get out - a lift home, if she called any time of the night - with a no questions asked, no lectures delivered policy - I'd want her to be safe.

Mistressiggi · 16/02/2017 08:54

If she wants sex, she'll have sex
Although I agree with this statement, sadly there are also many instances where teenage girls who do not want to have sex end up pressured and coerced or simply forced to have sex. As the night goes on and more drink (drugs?) flow and people drift off that just seems more likely. Not to mention the opportunities for taking photos that stick around forever.
Will the parents be at the party house? Perhaps you could ask to speak to them.

Original poster
Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 08:58

Se very much doesn't want to miss outing I think this is what drives her rather than her actually wanting to do things. If it was her regular group of friends that she's known since yr 7(she is yr11) I think I might view it differently as I know who the families are etc but the only things I know about some of the new friends are things I shouldn't have seen on messages that pop up on her iPad!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 08:58

She very much doesn't want to miss out of anything

OP posts:
Original poster
Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 09:04

I know she doesn't want sex(as much as I can know) and that she doesn't smoke. she has had the occasional drink but not seen her drunk or ill.I agree Mistressigi I think you can limit difficult situations. The other girls are also not allowed to stay over but have each told their parents that they are staying at each others houses(their mums don't check but I would)

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MaisyPops · 16/02/2017 09:07

Perfectly fine to go.
My friendship group was mixed and we's all crash over at peoples houses. Few drinks and a laugh. People werent hooking up because that would be awkward as hell with your friends near.
Only reason i can see for saying no is if theres a risk of something illegal happening.
If youre worried about them sleeping together it'll happen/not happen whether you allow the sleepover or not

DandelionAndBedrock · 16/02/2017 09:20

We always used to do this, but the rule was that everyone had to have a contact number for the parents of all the other people staying, in case there was a problem (although in hindsight we had mobile phones).

One. Isn't we were playing poker and drinking a little - one of the girls was on antibiotics and reacted really badly to the booze (throwing up EVERYWHERE). We called her parents to let them know, and they came out to get her. They were furious with us when they arrived (never her fault, clearly). But we all survived. So yes, let her go but make sure you have a plan for what will happen if something goes wrong - would you be able to rescue her?

Original poster
Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 09:28

I always say at parties or usual sleepovers that if ever she is uncomfortable just ring and I will come and get her. I am quite surprised that most responses seem to be in her favour. It is hard letting them grow up. She is a clever girl and does really well at school. She is sensible herself but I worry about peer pressure. She often comes out with the nearly an adult thing but then I remind her that being an adult also means not always getting your way, compromising and doing things around the house!

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Natsku · 16/02/2017 09:36

I'd let her, they can live on their own at 16. I agree with the PP who said to drop her off and talk to the parents and make sure everything is on the level.

Even though its tough and scary its time to start backing off and letting her become more independent so that she's really ready once she's an adult. But def add more adultlike responsibilities along with the more adultlike freedom so more work around the house, taking care of younger siblings if there are any (or younger cousins etc. if possible), basically make sure she realises that getting to do adult things means she has to do adult things (the less fun ones!)

DandelionAndBedrock · 16/02/2017 09:59

If you are worried about peer pressure, which is understandable, surely it doesn't become more likely if it is after midnight and they are at a sleepover? If we work on the basis that peer pressure is likely to make DD try [insert bad thing here] for the first time, is she not better off at a friend's house rather than sneaking out somewhere or just doing it before she has to go home?

Mistressiggi · 16/02/2017 10:00

I think if the others are lying that will influence their behaviour too. They will not be able to phone home if they want out of the situation, as they've lied about their whereabouts. That also tells you you aren't the only parent with reservations! You have offered her an acceptable alternative she should take that - there could be an early morning appointment for instance if she wants to save face.
I am Shock at parents accepting all these teenagers sleeping over without parents knowing about it.
I teach teenagers and there is no way they are all doing this.

Whattodo23 · 16/02/2017 10:07

I definitely wouldn't allow it. Thank God my mum didn't either. You are absolutely right, she is too young.

TheDollyLlama · 16/02/2017 10:19

I think you should let her go, as another poster said, better for her to get stuff out of her system now than go wild at 18.

I remember going to mixed sleepovers at 15 and lying to my mum. We would have a couple of drinks, laugh and chat and not much else.

If you don't let her go she may well start lying to you about where she's going and surely you would rather she was honest?

Bensyster · 16/02/2017 10:27

There was lots of lying to parents at age 16 - lies within lies....none of us were having sex - we weren't even drinking or smoking but we learned that parents had funny ideas and couldn't be relied upon to consistently agree or disagree, so if we wanted to get together as a group somewhere and we wanted the whole group to attend - lying was the best was to achieve this.

Scribblegirl · 16/02/2017 10:27

I think you should let her go. I started sixth form in a different town at 16 knowing no-one and so from 16.5 was staying over at people's houses where my parents had only heard me mention them. What was DM going to do, insist on coming around to meet them? I always stayed in contact with her and let her know whose house I was staying at, but by the time you're 16 it's understandable to have friends who your mum doesn't know.

BingBongBingBong · 16/02/2017 10:33

She's 16 not 12. Just let her go.

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/02/2017 10:35

My gut response is to say no ... however I lied to my parents to go to similar events at that age, and it was just hanging out, having fun. Nothing nefarious at all.

OhTheRoses · 16/02/2017 10:38

Hmm. Ours are 22 and 18 now. This horified me when DS was 16. Ground rules:

They stay in touch
You know where they are
You know who one or two of the people they are with are
Welcome reciprocal gatherings - you get to see their friends and what they get up to.

They will do some stupid stuff, it's part of growing up - you will learn some of it five years after the event. Keep channels of communication open. If all they ever bring home is a pckt of Marlborough - celebrate!

Original poster
Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 11:11

Lots of sensible thoughts, thanks.scribble It's not having friends we don't know, it's spending the night with them where it's possible alcohol and the substances are consumed. I don't think we are ready to say yes to whole thing this time and I think she will accept the compromise. But your comments have helped me to start thinking about next time and how best to deal with it. I think we were pretty surprised this was 'a thing' and presumed most parents wouldn't allow it . So, something else to get my head round.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giddyaunt18 · 16/02/2017 11:11

*other substances

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Wandaback · 16/02/2017 15:58

We live out in the country so this kind of thing was common when DC were 13+. The only time I said no was when DS1 was 15 and had a GF. This I felt changed things a little.
Other than that their friends were a lovely bunch and we hosted as many as the rest, still do now they are over 18.

One thing I learned about parenting teens was not to say no or yes to anything straight away. I always say I will consider it so I'm not backed into a corner.

It's about trust, especially at 16. Your DD has been open and honest in telling you that the others lie to their parents. That honesty is in her favour. I'm puzzled about the lying though. It suggests something more underhand than a regular gathering (as they seem to call these things).

She would be exposed to drugs and alcohol before midnight, will have to learn to say no when you are not there.

I'd put it to her that if she accepts your terms this time you will reconsider for the next one. It may sound odd but I felt better when DC told me about dodgy goings on at parties because they felt comfortable confiding in me.

perfectlybroken · 16/02/2017 16:03

I was allowed to do stuff like that and wish I hadn't been.

Brytie · 16/02/2017 16:43

Is she 16 in 6th form or 16 still in year 11? If the latter definitely no. I think the fact you don't know any of the other friends and the other girls are lying is a reason to stick to your decision. I Whilst anything could still happen before you pick her up at midnight, her knowing you are turning up makes things different than her being free to do whatever she wants all night and all morning. I had similar experiences in 6th form and some were innocent gatherings of mixed friends and others were situations I now look back at and realise I was purely lucky nothing bad happened.You could tell her you'll consider it for next time - my guess is some of the girls who lie will be found out.

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