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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD and I can't be in the same room together because she says I make disgusting noises

74 replies

charlotteswebber · 15/12/2016 23:02

This is really upsetting me. DD says she can't bear the sound of me swallowing. I don't mean swallowing food or anything but normal swallowing that people do (of saliva, I don't have any medical condition or anything), the type that you can't generally even hear unless you're in a deathly quiet room. But she says she hears it and she makes loud tocking noises with her tongue whenever I swallow, or storms out of the room in a blind rage.

This has become unbearable now, because I'm always walking on egg-shells, trying to time every swallow with some other noise in the house or road, and rather than something unconscious I'm aware of it for every second of my life that she's around me, and even when she's not.

I feel that this is borderline bullying behaviour, because even with other people (when she's not around) I'm hyper aware of it and wondering if they can hear me. I have no trouble making friends or socialising with them, and if what she says is correct I don't think that would be the case. No one else at home shares her opinion by the way.

This has started to really upset me, and sometimes anger me. I've told her it's hurtful but she says she can't help it. Other times I've shouted at her to leave the room because she's the one with the problem. We will be going on holiday soon and I'm absolutely dreading it. If I could get back the money I would cancel the whole thing, because I don't want to be near her and hear her loud clucking sounds and know that she finds me disgusting. I know that this sounds like a weird problem, but please help me. Is there anything I can do, other than stay away from her? How does that even work, and for how long? She's 14. This has been going on for months. Even in the car she does that when she sits in the passenger seat. How anybody can hear a person swallowing while travelling in a car is beyond me.

OP posts:

G1raffePicnic · 23/12/2016 11:13

Not convenient. It's well known and bloody irritating that the people you see all the time are the ones to cause problems. It would be a much easier condition to live with if it was only occasional strangers and not everyday sounds.

PromisesPromises · 23/12/2016 11:16

I have mispohonia too. Bothered me from a teenager, my dad especially as he's such a noisy eater.

It's horrible, makes me feel like I either want to punch (I wouldn't obviously) someone or be sick. I have to walk out of the room sometimes when certain people eat as I know it's my problem not anyone else's. Your teen should realise that, she is one with the problem and it is nothing to do with you.

Lilaclily · 23/12/2016 11:18

I'd tell her she needs to stop being so rude around you or you will a) cancel the holiday ( is their a relative she can stay with ?) And b) take her for counselling

MadisonMontgomery · 23/12/2016 11:22

I have this - it was at it's worst when I was a teenager. It got so bad I used to eat in my bedroom as I couldn't bear to be around other people who were eating. Even now I get it with someone I work with.

AmysTiara · 23/12/2016 11:23

I get this. It affects me differently with different people. No problem with my sister or children. DP and my mum make me mad

She can't help it but I get it can feel hurtful to you.

Itwasthenandstillis · 23/12/2016 11:28

I was sitting in the kitchen with DH yesterday while he was eating and I had to leave..... I don't have misphonia. I just think we over notice things that the people closest to us do.

On top of that teenagers find their parents (particularly girls and mothers) really, really irritating and embarrassing. Don't you remember feeling like that OP? I don't know what to advise except to take it a sign that she loves you but needs her distance from you. You can only acknowledge how she feels and tell her how you feel, then just ignore her when she is so horrible to you and carry on.

Are there activities you can do separately on holiday so you get distance from each other?

YorkiesGlasses · 23/12/2016 16:54

I could have written the OP from your dd's perspective as a teenager! From 13-16 everything about her angered me. I do wonder if it's some kind of biological thing, the same way teenage boys often start butting heads with their DFs at the same age?

There's not much you can do. Tell her to go to her room if the sounds of you existing are too much for her, and wait for the phase to be over. I bet it won't be an issue in five years time.

neonrainbow · 23/12/2016 17:11

Misophonia causes a stronger trigger the closer emotionally to someone you are. I didn't realise it was a condition until a couple of years ago so those saying the daughter should get over it, how can she if she doesn't know what she possibly has and therefore can't read up on coping mechanisms? It usually onsets around puberty which is probably why she's only started this recently. One of the most effective mechanisms i find to cope is to make noise myself to try and cover up the trigger noise so that's probably why she clucks. Sadly for your daughter op it gets worse with age.

Its the bane of my life. Do you really think we want to feel this way?

EvenFlo2 · 23/12/2016 17:18

Might be useful to add that anxiety can also generate this sort of response to sounds - it's called hyperaccusis. Is there anything else going on for DD?

This in no way 'excuses' her behaviour but is worth thinking about.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 23/12/2016 17:20

I'm like this with Dh his eating noises give me the rage - but it's my problem so I just have to deal with it.

Your dd is being massively disrespectful and unreasonable and I'd refuse to take her on holiday.

Infact I'd sit her down and tell her you don't want her to come because Of her behavour.

It is bullying and she will carry this behaviour on to her partner when she is older.

I also have a dd who is 21 and for a while I let her get away with shitty behaviour because I didn't want to upset the applecart but eventually I just had to tell her to leave if I was so fucking terrible. I think at this age there is defanatly a challenge in Alfa female between mother and daughter.

Potnoodlewilld0 · 23/12/2016 17:26

neon I have this myself and aniexty but in no way does that allow me to push those feelings on any fucker else.

It's not life threatenin, it's a pita but she does need to start dealing with it herself and not allowing herself to bully people because of it.

Also this is all over facebook in meme, the dd will know.

EvenFlo2 · 23/12/2016 17:37

Maybe she doesn't know how to deal with it?

PastysPrincess · 23/12/2016 17:45

Does she react this way to everyone's noises? If so, then it's likely it's misophonia; if its only you then I would suggest it's an issue she has with you and she is using this as a way of getting at you.

OytheBumbler · 23/12/2016 17:49

Lots of people have sensitivity to noise, especially chewing or loud breathing.

I couldn't stand it when my Dad ate an orange -he slurped and munched his way through it, piece by endless piece.

I would never have told him though because that would have been extremely RUDE and HURTFUL.

Whether your DD has sensory issues or not I would be concentrating on teaching her some manners.

DollyPlastic · 26/12/2016 22:56

I have this and it's awful..I go from calm to literally wanting to stab someone.

The fact that it's only you doesn't mean she hadn't got it, only certain period trigger me.

If she has got misophonia then she can't help it and it's horrible.

DollyPlastic · 26/12/2016 23:03

I do agree it gets worse as you get older. I couldn't sit at the table yesterday for Christmas dinner as DH triggers me. DS 2 had it as well, so we ate together while the others were in another room no idea why we don't trigger each other but we don't.

RockyBird · 26/12/2016 23:11

Sian Lloyd's clicking saliva mouth noises when she's doing the weather make me ragey. No one else's.

Lellikelly26 · 29/12/2016 21:09

I suffer from this. I cannot bear to be near people making eating noises or noises with their mouth of excess saliva etc I literally find it completely intolerable and have to remove myself. It can make me feel really angry, I just have to get away. It can make me feel like crying I find it so insuffferable. I only recently found out there is a name for it

Lellikelly26 · 29/12/2016 21:09

Oh and it's a million times worse if my hormones are bad. Just thinking of your DD being a teenager

BumDNC · 30/12/2016 20:40

My DD has this and a whole host of behavioural problems. Sometimes I crack Up about it and cant handle it but usually I try to be reasonable about it and reach a compromise. I warn her I am about to do something and then either she can leave or I do. It's anxiety based

mathanxiety · 31/12/2016 19:49

I didn't eat breakfast with my family from about age 9 onwards because the sound of chewing and drinking and swallowing was causing me such rage.

I could just about tolerate dinner but always wolfed mine down in about five minutes or less and asked to leave the table.

Two of my DCs chew loudly and you can hear them swallowing. One of the two has a heavy cold/possibly sinus infection right now. We ate Christmas dinner with The Nutcracker blaring really loudly in an effort to drown out the sounds they made.

I would say go easy on your DD. 14 year old DDs are up and down a lot with hormones. She most likely will still feel the same about your swallowing noises in five years time. She may not be quite so red rag to a bull in her response by that time though.

It's not so that it has to be a case of everyone affecting you or it's not misophonia.
'Misophonia causes a stronger trigger the closer emotionally to someone you are'. This is true.

You are not going to be able to impose manners on her over this. This is a visceral reaction.

vdbfamily · 08/01/2017 17:31

my 10 ear old DD has this and she particularly finds my eating and breathing difficult. She does wear headphones at mealtimes as I was sick of being called a disgusting pig everytime we ate. I got my work collegues to check out my eating which they felt was normal. If we are motorway driving with lots of background noise and anyone in the car puts a finger in their mouth/bites a nail/itches their nose, she will shout at them. No-one else in the car can hear anything. We recently drove to Scotland and I shared a room with her. I barely slept as whenever my breathing deepened as I was about to drop off, she started to yell and pound her bed! It was such a nightmare.

G1raffePicnic · 08/01/2017 18:11

Oh gosh eating noises in the car are the worst! There's nowhere to escape to. I had to explain to my 7 year old that he needed to stop eating crisps or stop crunching as he bit them. I've said to them about the misophonia and said I hear some sounds differently to them, they still need to eat nicely but sometimes it's a sensory thing I can't cope with on my part. he understood (and broke them.up to eat them!)

I can't imagine sleeping with someone noisy. It might drive me completly crackers. Id need my own room if my partner had weird sounds at night.
I

G1raffePicnic · 08/01/2017 18:12

It sounds like a real nightmare trip for her. Especially as in cars/hotels you can't just excuse yourself from the situation. Poor thing.

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