15 year old wants her boyfriend to stay over?

[Onedayinthesun]

DD has been seeing her 15 yr old boyfriend for 2 months - it is her first relationship and they are "all in" the pair of them head over heels!

He is a lovely boy and hangs out at my house all weekend and a couple of nights after school if they have time .

My DD is trying to convince me it's the norm amongst others her age that are dating to have their boyfriend stay over and sleep in their beds.

I feel really uncomfortable with this and am not ready to allow this. Me and DD have an open relationship and she has told me that she will wait at least 6 months and until she is over 16 years old to take her relationship further. She said her and her boyfriend have talked about it and they want to wait.

I just feel that allowing him to stay over is encouraging intimacy too soon.

They have a party to go to 20 miles away on Saturday night and will be getting an Taxi home around 2am and as he lives a further 5 miles away she wants him to stay the night so he doesn't have to travel onwards in the taxi alone. I have said he can stay downstairs on the sofa - DD feels I'm being completely unreasonable and has now said it is a trust thing and has told me I clearly don't trust her!

I am meeting her halfway yet being made to feel like I'm totally out of order.

Can anyone else share what their house rules are on this?
Thx

My DD had her boyfriend stay over at 15, but he slept in the bedroom downstairs. She had to be in her own room for 11.30pm no chance of any corridor creeping here because our stairs are very creaky and she is at the other side of the house. I wake up if a mouse farts in our house.

Er NO.

18 and in a long term, committed relationship before any bed sharing happens in this house.

I wouldn't let her stay out till 2am though!

My mum didn't let my boyfriend sleep in my room until I was 23 and even then it was only because he's broken his collar bone and it wasn't reasonable to make him sleep on an air bed with the dog wandering around.

Thanks for the unanimous NO!
This support has been really helpful to me today as she has continued to try and sell to me the benefits of boyfriend staying over

She has been invited to a big, swanky sweet sixteenth birthday party and hasn't been out so late ever before - but I'm allowing it as a one off. As she is with boyfriend I am fine with them getting a taxi back.

But he either needs to go home or sleep on our sofa in the kitchen. Like previous poster said we too have very creaky stairs!

She is not street wise and totally in love with this boy and it is true although she says she is waiting - she doesn't realise how strong feelings can be especially if you are lying next to boyfriend. It's all this you haven't got a clue, everyone else is doing it crap that gives me the rage!

Ask her if she'd be ok with her best friend (or any other girl) sharing a bed with her boyfriend.

You may want to find out if he's putting pressure on her, though.

NO

I don't know why everyone is saying no.. if they want sex they'll have it whether he stays over or not. I'd make sure she's got condoms just incase, and maybe stay over in the spare room or on the sofa if no spare room.

Yes, that argument, 'Everyone else does it', is so difficult!

This is about the false idea that because so and so does something it must be right from web.cn.edu/kwheeler/fallacies_list.html

Called a logical fallacy

Argumentum ad Populum (Literally "Argument to the People"): Using an appeal to popular assent, often by arousing the feelings and enthusiasm of the multitude rather than building an argument. It is a favorite device with the propagandist, the demagogue, and the advertiser. An example of this type of argument is Shakespeare's version of Mark Antony's funeral oration for Julius Caesar. There are three basic approaches:

(1) Bandwagon Approach: “Everybody is doing it.” This argumentum ad populum asserts that, since the majority of people believes an argument or chooses a particular course of action, the argument must be true, or the course of action must be followed, or the decision must be the best choice. For instance, “85% of consumers purchase IBM computers rather than Macintosh; all those people can’t be wrong. IBM must make the best computers.” Popular acceptance of any argument does not prove it to be valid, nor does popular use of any product necessarily prove it is the best one. After all, 85% of people may once have thought planet earth was flat, but that majority's belief didn't mean the earth really was flat when they believed it! Keep this in mind, and remember that everybody should avoid this type of logical fallacy.

I don't know why you'd even consider it, at 15, with a 2 month relationship - utter madness

Definitely not - it is illegal for a start; and as others have said she needs you to be the opportunity for a let out for something that she may in fact feel apprehensive about.

I have had several teenage girls in my time and the rules were clear. I remember one shouting at me "I do not interfere with your sex life, so don't interfere with mine!" - she was feeling pretty cross as I broke up a potential amorous situation - but, and this is what matters, when she became a true adult she said that she knew I had been right.

Good luck to the OP - lots more fun to come!

I don't think having a boyfriend stay over is illegal

I don't think anyone has said it is, they're assuming they would have sex, and she is underage

They will end up having sex, so you may aswell let it happen under your own roof

That's such a cop out, there's no need to make it easy for them and they've only been going out for 5 mins.

Let it happen? For a 15 year old who has known her boyfriend a matter of weeks? Really?

15 is when she should be concentrating on mocks not investing her energies in an under age sexual relationship encouraged by her parents.

I do not know one person in my close or wider circle of friends that would do more than laugh off such a suggestion made by their dd - or their ds for that matter.

Wow. So even though you must know they'll probably have sex, otherwise why would he stay?? And you're allowing it?

She might be just testing the waters tbh, to see what your reaction is, she might be feeling pressured.

It's quite different if they choose to go somewhere to have sex and to get in bed together with a supposed expectation of no sex and then get carried away (probably with no protection).
An honest conversation of how things can get too far too quickly might be useful here.

Think some posters are being a tad harsh , I wasn't allowed my boyfriend to stay we still had sex, I know facilitating it is not on but not allowing it won't stop a teenager. My dd also harasses me about such things , I let her ex bf stay over before I realised how vile he was but he stayed in the spare room which is a floor away, she'd have to get past my room and I'm an insomniac. They should indeed be focussing on their mocks but not all teenagers are so easy to guide!

8-9 week relationship and she is underage.

She is focussing on her mocks and has A predictions and level 8 in maths, she puts in the work sees Tutors outside of school and attends study supports at school - this is not about her education!

She is NOT having sex but is clear about choice and very aware of what consent means and the law. My issue was "everyone else does it" nonsense so came on here to ensure that it is not the case! This is the first time my parenting has really been tested in this way - its uncharted waters for me.

I know if Teens are going to have sex they will find a way I just don't want to be a facilitator whilst she is still underage, in a very new relationship and I certainly won't be handing her condoms like a pp suggested!

So the party is on Saturday night and he will be going onwards in the taxi home to his own house. DD gets it. Thanks for all the helpful input

No not everyone does it. In my circle people of pre-school leaving age teenagers, people would say I would not be happy with him staying here, or you staying at his house at this stage. When you are at University (working, apprentice ...i.e on the road to being an independent adult)
you do what you want.

*This is about the false idea that because so and so does something it must be right from web.cn.edu/kwheeler/fallacies_list.html

Called a logical fallacy*

Equally, of course, the fact that the majority of MNers are of the opinion that to allow the girl's request would be wrong, proves it must be wrong, right? Just saying.