Help! 14yo DD explicit texts and pix - should I tell the boy's parents?

[bolshieoldcow]

I'm feeling sick. I looked at the texts on DD's phone this morning and saw that she's been sexting a boy in her year. They'd had an intense non-relationship (i.e. groping, sexting etc) last term but it had stopped when she got a nice boyfriend. However, the nice boyfriend is now history and she's back to really escalated sexual talk with this other boy. She has also sent him pictures.

What do I do? If I clamp down on her phone use/freedom, won't it make the illicit relationship seem even more exciting? Should I tell the boy's parents? (they are quite religious) How do I tell her that I know what's going on and that her behaviour is inappropriate? I tried to talk to her about this when it happened before and she swore up and down that nothing was happening and she knew all the risks and wasn't interested in doing anything stupid.

Take the brick away and give her a small neat phone with no camera or internet .she is too daft/immature/ sheeplike /vulnerable to be trusted at the moment.

Why sugar coat that she is doing something incredibly stupid? Tell her the likely consequences and that it stops now. Yes, tell boy's parents, he needs t be in the shit for child porn too.

Her safety comes above being a bit upset because you saw her phone . you are trying to stop the whole world seeing rather more.

Child porn? Did I miss something

I do think you need to get across that once an image/text has been sent, you have lost control of it. A girl at DS school sent a topless photo to her "boyfriend", he shared this with his friends and within 2 hours the photo had been circulated around the whole school. The poor girl left the school shortly afterwards because of other girls' reactions to her - the boy has just finished 6th form. As a result of this incident, the school have gone on to provide excellent training for pupils, staff and parents on cyber safety but all too late for the girl in question,

I think a calm and measured response is important - try to stick to facts. I think I would reconsider what sort of phone she has from her response to your conversation.

Yes truly awful. I told my own DC about it as a reminder about sending pics to anyone. It's all well and good when you're in 'love'!

Just sexting is harmless, it's the photographs you should be really worried about. I would go to the boy's parents to make sure they are also aware (this is probably deter the boy from your DD too, she won't like it but it's two birds with one stone).

We had a situation where my older brother was dating a 15 year old when he was 18. He claimed to think she was 18. We still aren't 100% sure of the truth, but our whole family knew her and liked her and allowed her to stay over... Until one day her mum turned up at the house and said that her 15 year old daughter had been sending explicit photographs to my brother (she had no idea about the relationship) and it turned into a whole big mess and it taught me that it's always worth going to speak to the other parents.

Sexting isn't harmless at all!

I'm surprised that she's not heard of someone at her school or a nearby school facing the humiliation of sext pics being circulated.

Does she have access to a laptop with webcam or tablet with camera? If you give her a basic phone, make sure you confiscate other gadgets with cameras too.

What a difficult situation.

I think teenagers have heard all the horror stories about pics being sent all over the Internet and about meeting 'boys' they've chatted to on line turning out to be grown men etc . The trouble is they really believe it won't happen to them .

I would talk to the school / police and then sit down with them and your dd and have a very frank frightening discussion about the fact that she is engaging in illegal activity. That will be the quickest way to kill it stone dead.

This past week it came out in the national news that there was a website/chat room where boys were requesting and posting explicit pictures of teenage girls from schools all over Australia. DD2s high school was identified as one of the schools involved.

We know one of the girls whose pictures were online, shes having a truly awful time of it. The hassle from other girls and the comments from the boys has made her life hell.

As she's underage (15) she's technically guilty of making and distributing explicit child pornography as she texted the photos to her boyfriend. The police are viewing her as a victim so won't prosecute thankfully.

It's such a mess and all she did was send a dirty photo to her boyfriend - but it's all snowballed and gotten totally out of control. Teens don't think through their actions so we have to do it for them.

I think that you do need to look at what has been sent.

If he is not sending pictures etc as well, then we are talking about grooming.

I have also learned that just expecting your teen to learn, understand and comply will not always work and sometimes you just have to take the means to do whatever it is away from them whilst they learn.

OP this is such a hard situation for you. Does she have a brother or male cousins around her age etc, can you just ask her how she would feel if they were to come across her pics?

Let me just tell you about my experience: In my late teens, camera phones and sending photos and files via Bluetooth first became a thing. Sent a nude pic (quite a tame one) to a 'boyfriend' who sent it on to all the boys in our year and accidently to some male teachers at our sixth form via Bluetooth. I was mortified. I wont bore you with details of the fallout but I've never been able to fully live it down. Obviously this was 10+ years ago now and file sharing is even easier these days. I have never ever since then sent a single pic of myself to anyone, no matter how much they begged or pleaded and i never would.

Sorry if I'm way off the mark, I dont have a DD yet (she was due 2 days ago, I'm still waiting...) so maybe my advice is really rubbish but I'm trying to think what someone could have said to me as a teen to deter me. The thought that my brothers might ever come across pics of me was really enough to stop me from ever doing it again.

Oh, thank you all so much for the advice and for sharing your own stories

I think I will speak to the boy's mum, as she should know what her son has been doing and yes, hopefully that will put a stop to his behaviour.

I will need to speak to DD, but will have to calm down a bit first, and choose my timing (she's really very bad at emotional discussions or having to face up to consequences). But I will tell her I have read her texts. She will be horrified. But that's my line of approach - that once it's written and sent, you have no control over it any more. Thoughts?

I have looked at her Instagram. I can't see any photos (I'm a bit shit at tech and I think she may have deleted things as she goes) but he was definitely asking for a photo of her tits at a ridiculous hour of the night last night

I have taken her phone and will hold onto it until this is sorted out. I will show his mum the messages as I think she needs to see her son calling my daughter his little slut/whore and asking for pics.

I am bricking it at this as I really hate confrontation. But you have all helped me to see that I need to be the adult in this situation and face up to my responsibility. I don't want to involve the school or the police at this stage but I think I may threaten that if there are any future incidents.

I want her to have a nice bf, I don't mind a bit of snogging and snuggling, but this is just nasty and I want it, and her, to stop. I can hardly look at her today.

I think that sounds like a reasonable plan - I think that the other thing that is coming across from some posts is the terrible and ongoing impact that the girls (but not the boys) suffer from the derision and disapproval of their peers when these sort of images become public.

The fact that he is calling her a slut and whore suggests a coercive and bullying element that would give me additional course for concern - I think I would involve the school particularly if they both attend the same school.

If you were talking about my son I would want to know.
We have rules for his internet usage that apply and there are consequences for breaking them.
But if I don't know there is nothing I can do.

It worries me that at 14 you describe a bit of groping and sexting as a non-relationship in your op. In my mind that's a very inappropriate relationship at 14, even before it escalated.

Talk to her but yes, phone off her and make sure she understands the implications of distributing indecenct images of children. I would also tell the school so they know.

pottering - sorry, I wasn't clear. What I meant was that this boy is not her boyfriend. She hasn't told us that they're seeing each other - in fact, I think he has a girlfriend - hence "non-relationship".

But I see where you are coming from. I was not happy with the initial situation, talked to her, wrote her a long letter about healthy relationships, pointed her to some websites to read on her own. I thought I'd done everything I could and it had all seemed to have calmed down. I thought we'd got through this and out the other side unscathed.

I wouldn't rule out the school at the moment. Is there anyone there who looks after safeguarding who could give you an opinion on how to handle it?

I am concerned that whilst it is the boy who is doing all the asking and slut shaming, his parents will see it as is she who is doing the sending of pictures.......... blah blah cont. in the 1970s.

You need to have options in place for plan B, so do call the school and get advice as well. If they are no help then police, etc.

She is 14y. You are allowed to monitor her use of technology. Infact you should be, albeit I would say that she should be aware of this beforehand and it be a requirement of her having a phone/tablet and social media etc. She is a child.

The images can constitute a bigger issue. They are images of children under the age of 16. Consent doesn't really come into it, in that sense. Being in possession of, and sharing, indecent images of someone under 16 can be a very very big issue, even if those doing it are also under 16.

Groping and sexual messaging at 14y is too much. Snogging and cuddling should be as far as it goes with young teens. Anything more is just too much too young.

Your daughter is engaging in inappropriate sexual behaviour for her age. Yes, I know some children go further and do far more but that still isnt the norm or how our young teens should be behaving. She is putting herself at risk, as is the boy.

Once you have dealt with this initial issue then you need to sit down and lay out some very blunt and very clear rules for internet and phone use, with clear consequences as well.

You mention Instagram - also check Snapchat or ask her to show you. Teens of this age are using that more and more over Instagram (and Facebook).

Yo need to know what social media she is using and be allowed access to passwords, etc.

If she has explicit pictures of him and he of her on their phones they are both breaking the law. These are indecent images of children and being a child yourself doesn't exempt you from the law. I would not be softly softly about this at all.

Please also tell the school, even if you don't want them to do anything. The teachers need to be aware as this could be a child protection issue if such pictures become circulated. They also will know if the lad has done this with other girls, who parents aren't as pro active as you.

Now you have explained the 'non-relationship' it is looking more like coercion/grooming. I think you do need help from the school to manage this. The parents are likely to be non-helpful, or out of their depth.

I think you should tell the school. There may be other boys and girls involved, not just your dd and this boy. School may know things that you don't and can add your information to build up a bigger picture.

I think having a chat with the boys mum is a good idea . Don't go all guns blazing and tell her that you're worried her son will send the pics to others when he finds out they've been rumbled . (He might do this if he's pissed off with your DD )
Good luck , I hope it goes well.