Help! 14yo DD explicit texts and pix - should I tell the boy's parents?

[bolshieoldcow]

I'm feeling sick. I looked at the texts on DD's phone this morning and saw that she's been sexting a boy in her year. They'd had an intense non-relationship (i.e. groping, sexting etc) last term but it had stopped when she got a nice boyfriend. However, the nice boyfriend is now history and she's back to really escalated sexual talk with this other boy. She has also sent him pictures.

What do I do? If I clamp down on her phone use/freedom, won't it make the illicit relationship seem even more exciting? Should I tell the boy's parents? (they are quite religious) How do I tell her that I know what's going on and that her behaviour is inappropriate? I tried to talk to her about this when it happened before and she swore up and down that nothing was happening and she knew all the risks and wasn't interested in doing anything stupid.

[bolshieoldcow]

Yes, good point, I really don't want him to revenge-post them. I was going to just show her the texts and messaging and see how it goes from there. She's nice, as far as I know, so I hope it will be okay. If possible, i'll ask her to have him delete any pictures he has been sent by her.

My DD will be beside herself with all of this. But that is too bad. I won't talk to the school at the moment, mostly in case they do a 'don't sext' assembly and then everyone wonders who's been sexting!

DD is away this weekend so I might speak to the boy's mum then, And then talk to her when she gets back?? Oh, I don't know. I don't want to sit on this all unresolved but I also don't want to try to talk to her when she's sleep deprived or grumpy or whatever. And I don't want her to go to school and hear from HIM that they've been rumbled.

AAAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH

[WannaBeDifferent]

It's a bloody minefield , I don't envy you at all.

[SirVixofVixHall]

Hopefully someone more techy will be along soon to talk you through instagram/snapchat. I don't use them . Lordy OP I do feel for you, my eldest dd is 11 and I've already talked to her about never sending anyone a picture that you aren't happy to show the whole world. She doesn't have a 'phone yet. It is hard to get to grips with how teens use tech, for someone like me who grew up pre-computers. I think girls are very vulnerable, as ever, to being pressured by boys into upping the ante. And the consequences now for both girls and boys are so huge. When I was a teenager people could get drunk and do something silly, get teased the next day and that would be it. Now someone will have taken a pic, or a video, and it can be out there, permanently. So ghastly!! 14 is probably the hardest age for this, as in a few years she will have more sense. Now it is all new and probably seems illicit and exciting. All i can say is that i agree with talking to the boy's parents and the school. Confiscate her 'phone. Computer use only in the sitting room in full view of you, not in her bedroom. My friend did this with her teens (now 21 and 17) as a general safety measure, and they both accepted it without argument (they are one child of each sex). Any 'phone calls on the landline. Go retro OP! Might seem harsh to some , but she is 14, far too young for this.

[HSMMaCM]

DD sent a friend a holiday picture of herself in a bikini by the pool. The head teacher of a neighbouring school contacted her school, because the photo was doing the rounds. Both sets of pupils got a lecture about child pornography, for what was on the surface a simple holiday photo. It gave DD quite a shock.

[Northernparent68]

Some of the posts have accused the boy of grooming, but there is nothing to suggest he is doing anything of the sort.

It is not helpful to label either child a victim or aggressor.

[imwithspud]

What a minefield op. I think telling the boys mum is the right thing to do, I think the mum would want to know what's going on and the only way this will stop is if all parents are involved and on the same page. Do inform the school as well.

Given the way he refers to your dd in texts it doesn't sound like a very pleasant relationship at all and she needs to know that she deserves better. I have 2 young dd's and I'm dreading this stage.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

How was a bikini pic child pornography? Sure, it's inappropriate but not pornography.

[Iggi999]

I don't think "child pornography" is the phrase used anymore.
I can think of a lot of ways a picture in a bikini could be explicit, depends on the pose. Also ways in which it could be completely run-of-the-mill, though I suppose people can use the most ordinary photo of a child for their own purposes.

[HSMMaCM]

They weren't saying the bikini photo was child pornography. They were highlighting how a perfectly innocent picture sent to a friend had been distributed and used inappropriately and how all the children had to be careful what pictures they sent. It was a parent who saw it online and reported it to his child's school.

[BarryTheKestrel]

Instagram: at the top of the page when you open the instagram app there is an icon shaped like an in tray (on Android this is on the top right) this will show you any private messages sent. If pictures have been sent via instagram they will be there unless they've been deleted.

Snapchat: pictures are sent and then disappear once viewed unless screenshotted or saved on the sending phone. If saved they will be in a folder in the gallery of the phone.

Also check Facebook messenger.