DS' AS results...the train crash

[CostaRicanBananas]

Hi, DS just got his AS results: C, D and D. As I had feared, he did no revision whatsoever. DS attends a great boys grammar school but I can't see the point of him staying on for another year as he won't be able to do anything with his results - and realistically, if he hasn't managed to work for 1 year, never mind a re-sit plus next year's work. He's got a job with Waitrose, and I think he's better off going into full time work and deciding further down the line what he wants to do than wasting time for another 12 months. I would be grateful for any advice and personal experiences, please.
Thank you in advance and have a lovely Sunday

My dd1 got Bs at GCSE (plus a couple of As). She found the jump to 6th form really hard. She got CDEU in her AS exams last year, she stayed at school, did A2 in the C subject, resat the D one at AS and started two new subjects at AS this year.

She's worked much harder this year and ended up with a C at A2 and BCD at AS. She'll be going back in September to finish the 3 ASs. She was never going to gets A* and A at A level, but should end up with at least 3 Cs at the end of them. Good enough to do the degree course she'd like to do.

I think this is very, very common. DD2 got a string of As and A*s at GCSE and the school said at A level enrolment she was borderline to be considered for Oxbridge. She began the year predicted AAA in her AS levels. She actually got CDU.

During the year she couldn't see it at all - she wasn't working nearly enough (thought doing the homework and mostly turning up to lessons was sufficient), spent all her free time socialising, put all her emotional energy into boyfriend dramas and completely underestimated the jump from GCSE to A level.

She's been offered a place at the local college to start again. We've gone from thinking she'd be an Oxbridge applicant to hoping she gets enough to get in to any university (shes desperate to be a scientist). I do worry we aren't going to get a better outcome next year but at least it has been a huge wake up call for her.

I personally wouldn't give up - what does your DS have to lose by staying and trying? Funding is easier at his age and if you leave it until he is ready he may never be ready. I'm sure even mediocre A levels give more opportunities than none at all.

Also, do you have the money to pay tutors? I tutor maths at GCSE and A level and although I'm not knocking the value of my tuition, it's very clear for some (lazier) pupils that one of the main reasons they improve with tuition is the enforced extra time studying the subject! The second DD looks to be falling behind this year she will be spending her evenings having tuition. Could you explore that avenue?

My DS had the most appalling year studying for his AS's. I remember leaving parents evening in floods of tears because teacher after teacher said he wasn't even doing the bare minimum. One teachers said he shouldn't have stayed on at sixth form as he was academic enough. I met with the head of sixth form and he was concerned that DS would fail the year and there was no possibility of retaking the year.

I remember landing in New York during the Easter holidays to a message from his English lit teachers saying he hadn't handed in his course work and she saw no evidence of him having done any work. This was after he promised me faithfully before we went away that 100% of his coursework and homework had been handed in.

This is hard to believe, but what seemed to change his attitude completely was going to a couple of university open days. He absolutely fell in love with the idea of living on campus away from home for 3 years!

After the abysmal parents evening we sat him down and agreed a really strict timetable and he was under no illusion that he would have to work incredibly hard. And for the first time ever he did, he worked 5 hours EVERY evening and 8 hours Saturday and Sunday.

I have to say we did give him tough love at the time and it almost broke our mother son relationship.

His AS results were ACC (the A being English Lit)

So it is doable but my gosh he's going to have to work hard and if he doesn't buy into it that's just not going to happen. They will start work on their UCAS applications as soon as they go back and his AS results will be taken into account they will have a baring on deciding on a course and uni

His A2 results were ABB and he achieved a 2:1 at university.

Good luck and don't get too disheartened .. My horrid teenager is now 24 and running his own company, which he started from nothing and is now travelling the world. He even gave a talk at his old sixth form recently, which I did find quite amusing.

DS is now talking about going to live with my ex-h, who is on the other side of the country. My ex has never played an active role is DS' life, and him and his wife have a 1 year old. So... DS is conveniently looking to turn his back on the mess that he's put himself in... This is his way of resolving the issue: walking away from school, job and friends. There's been no mention of what he actually (truly) wants to do, as it's all very well for anyone to say that they want to be Apple's next CEO, but do they have what it takes and (my main point here) are they prepared to work for it?
All I want is to ensure that whatever he does over the next 12 months, is beneficial to him in terms of development and skills set. The suggestion posted here about DS going to France for a while is great as he'd greatly improve his command of the language, whilst experiencing another country and maturing along the way.
The reason why I am struggling with the idea of another year at school is that it could easily turn out to be a total waste, and he'll finish it with nothing to show for it - no personal development, no enhanced skills, just another 12 months of coasting.
As for the move to the ex's house, I also cannot see how leaving his amazing school behind to move into a complete new environment will help either. The exams will still be the same, and they will require him to revise.

Could you get some kind of carers adviser appointment for him to have an independent look through his options? He was in a different situation but my ds really benefited from a session with www.adviza-guidance.org.uk/ - there might be something similar near you.

If I were you, I'd make an appointment asap with his head of sixth form as they will be able to give you realistic options for the next 12 months and his university choice.

Is he saying he wants to retake the year at a school near your Ex? Would you be able to have a sensible chat with his Dad about his options and then present a united front to your son? Do you think it's possible that he's of the mindset that if he gets away from everything, he'll be able to get his head down? If so might not be worth discounting.

If only I could make him realise the impact of the path that he's choosing to go down

It's not a one way path. He could skip A-levels & do other stuff for years. Then do a foundation course to go to Uni later (much later, age 23, 24, 25...).

It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit before he will apply himself.

Does he want to try another year of A-levels?
I'd want him to keep working at Waitrose for sure, that's bound to be very positive influence over all. Ask him if he still wants to work there in 5, 10 or 20 yrs from now.

In all honesty a child who is a good socially and is motivated by money will most likely do well. It sounds like you are putting too much pressure on him and he wants to move to his Dad's to escape that. A lot of seventeen your olds are just immature and unsure of what they want.

I definitely would not send Dd off to France on her own at 17 without some support built in.

I am sure Waitrose have a management program that would mean he could being doing very well there fir himself in five years.

OP you need to calm down. It's not a total disaster. Your DS is more than capable of getting the grades to do law...he will now realise what he has to do to get there.

In the same breath you are saying he should do something completely different like go to work, and then that he shouldn't leave his great school.

I'd encourage him him to go back and work hard. Tell him you know he can do it. Be positive and believe in him and hopefully he'll believe in himself and pull his finger out.

I feel your pain as my DS refused to even do his AS exams. I'm clinging on to the fact that he actually did his GCSEs ( I wasn't sure he would) and got decent grades. I've let him enroll in college in the course of his choice next year, even though I don't think it's ideal for him. But it's not me who has to sit the exams. So there a different course your DS wound like to do or is he very focussed on law? My DS would have been fab at international law. But that's my opinion, not his.

Ask your DS what he really wants to do.

From what you have written his 'bright but lazy' label isnt helping him. If he doesnt try he thinks he can keep that label. Except that he cant. The results he is producing are not bright, they are just lazy.

If this is his attitude at the moment then I wouldnt support his return to school. If he wants to return to school then he has to make the effort to sort out his resits, begging teachers to let him back onto courses etc. If he does this groundwork then support him.

My DD got similarly poor AS results. She had gone from A* & As at GCSE but found the combination of transition to a new school, A level standard work and a full on boyfriend too much.

For her the poor results were a massive wake-up call. The boyfriend went, she knuckled down and got on with her work. We told her remember how crap the feeling was when you opened that results envelope and dont put yourself in that position again

In the end she got to uni on the course she wanted though not at the level of prestige university she had originally set her sights on. She is now on her third year placement and her results are putting her at a high 2.1 to 1.1.

So turnaround is possible.

But your DS has to want this.

Can he do a vocational course instead?

agree that his results arent too bad.
they are Meant to be bad as a kick up the backside that a Lot of them need.
If the school is willing to take him back let him.
He might be a late developer though, and it is a bit of a conveyor belt

I don't think his results are a disaster. The question is has he realised what he needs to do next year to turn it around and is he really committed to putting in the work to do so.

We are in Scotland and DS last year coasted a fair bit and ended up with non-stellar results which meant he would not get unconditional offers from Scottish unis. He had no real idea what he wanted to do, until he begrudgingly did a weeks work experience at something he thought would be in a "boring office job", but which he turned out to really enjoy. The company suggested a degree at local uni which they have some input into and he went on the open day which he loved. Applied there for uni and had a conditional offer of AB in this year's exams. He worked his socks off and against the expectations of his school, he achieved it and he starts next week.
So the key is finding a strong motivating factor.

The key here, as some have mentioned, is that DS must want to work hard & do well. Unfortunately, he has done nothing to indicate that his attitude has changed. Yes, has looked into what courses he can do at the local college in order to re-do his ASs, and according to him the change of environment will 'eliminate distractions'. No, it won't and he'll be monitored even less than at his school. DS is very sociable, he'll make friends in 5 minutes and none of this will make him want to study. He's done no reflecting, is unable to provide an explanation to why he's made the same mistake three times ("I don't know why I can't be bothered to open my books") and has got his head firmly buried in the sand.
His attitude does extend to anything that requires hard work, not only the academic side. Before the holidays, he was given quite a bit of a dangling carrot by his head of sports over his place in the school's rugby first team. You'd have thought that this would have encouraged him to keep up his trips to the gym and to slightly reduce all the junk that he buys with his hard-earned cash from Waitrose. Nope. Same old, same old: he wants things to happen but he refuses to acknowledge that he has to work for them.
I still believe that Waitrose full-time is the best option. Then he can come back to the academic side when he's actually ready to work for it. There's nothing, absolutely nothing, to indicate that the ASs results have been a wake-up call and therefore school would be a waste of another 12 months.

will school have him back with his results?

And who will have him back after his Waitrose thinking time?

IMO it's pretty shit if you've suggested to him that he drops out of school! No wonder he's pissed off.

It's one year, and compulsory! Those grades aren't hopeless and even if he bombs out at A level he can seek work the . Waitrose will still be there.

To obtain a C, a D and a D is pretty uniform at AS level. Please understand this.

Unless you're paying fees, which doesn't sound like the case, whether/where he attends school is not your call to make: it's the schools' and DSs.

And as ridiculous as it may sound, I am starting to really worry about DS' ability to snap out of this mindset in the long run. I can actually picture him, 5-10 years down the line, sitting in some grotty bedsit, shrugging his shoulders and saying "I don't know" which is his answer to everything. I have tried to 'justify' what has happened and have asked myself whether he 'froze' under pressure, whether he has low self-esteem, but then I look at how over the years he has dropped all the things that he's good at but which required him to work, including club rugby. How he only comes to the gym to get some exercise because we make him come with us - otherwise, he may even go just to get us off his back but you can be sure that he'd be sitting there, doing nothing. He was so pleased with himself, and keen to tell us, when girls, his mates and the head of rugby complimented him on his changing body shape. You'd have thought that especially the girls part would have been enough for him to want to keep it up off his own back, wouldn't you? Oh no.

Sorry but I disagree. DS

Oops!

I've been working through various options with DS, including trying to get an apprenticeship, but they all lead to the same thing: he will have to put in some work, which he is not prepared to do.

In my books, watch him mess around for another 12 months without having anything to show at the end of it is not an option. There is nothing he can do with this sort of grades so for that, he's better off working and later looking into a vocational qualification or redoing his AS / finishing his A levels.

Of course there is lots of stuff he could do with those grades!

And it's not for you to reduce his options. Remaining at his current school (if they will let him) is an option for him, and IMO probably the best one.

He is not fulfilling his potential, and will either wake up, now or in future (my DB and many men I know did this), or not. Down to him.

If he drops out and looks to take A levels later, do you know if he will have to pay course fees for further ed? If so, would you help him? (Sounds like your help would be conditional).

If there would be costs and he'd be dependent on you, he might well wish to see the A levels through now.

Rugby etc is by-the-by. Lots of people squander their talents.