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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is this fair?

67 replies

Beezles · 03/08/2016 14:44

I find it hard to know when I am being fair, too soft or overly strict so I need help with this.

DD 18 was due to come away on 3-generation annual family holiday this Sat, and leave early to go to festival. She had made done grumbles but agreed that if she left on Tues she would go. She adores her granny (who has just bought her an expensive cat suit for the festival) and these are nice holidays. I have arranged mid hol lifts for her to and from the station and other arrangements took her into account (bedrooms, food).

She works 4 hours a week but hasn't saved enough for festival food and transport. For this and last festival I let her earn it by doing jobs I needed done.

She's just told he she's justt coming, 3 days notice. I an furious and said I won't be giving her jobs do she can sort out het own cash. Am I being unfair/ overreacting ? She is both kind and sensible but also blubdingky selfish at times....

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 03/08/2016 15:40

Of course there was an option not to go she chose not to speak up i would text her back fine she can tell the rest of the family she isnt going and leave it dont to and fro with her. But if it was mine i would be telling her tough you are coming end of you know her better than we do you need to not be emotional with them i would tell her how dissapointed you are in her

SuburbanRhonda · 03/08/2016 15:43

Do we know granny will be upset?

Original poster
Beezles · 03/08/2016 15:47

Granny will be disappointed. They get on really well - go for meals out together, shopping etc.

DD saying I am blackmailing her to go! I get very confused as I am very stressed at the.moment with cancer diagnosis and my hormonal brain is foggy. I hate arguments and family stress. Sorry to sound so whiney and limp!

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MammouthTask · 03/08/2016 15:58

So let me get that right.
You've just been diagnosed with cancer.
Her dbrother is going to Uni so this will your last hols all together as a family, esp with her gran.
But she is ill and can't come.

Ill with what?

DubiousCredentials · 03/08/2016 16:03

I would get her to phone granny and explain.

Original poster
Beezles · 03/08/2016 16:05

I was diagnosed with eye cancer last Feb (hence terrible typing), no treatment available if it metastasises, so constant tenterhooks/scan anxiety. It makes me very anxious alongside general hormones. I try to keep it really normal at home though . don't b talk about it much. Her twin off in Sept. She is self absorbed/selfish but also kind and pkeadanr sometimes. Its been tough few years with her. I struggle with not being good at bring a tough enough parent hut know I dam also be controlling. She also suffers from anxiety and stress. She gets I'll easily. She hasn't said what this time as she us very private and secretive about some things b

OP posts:
MammouthTask · 03/08/2016 16:05

At that age, I would probably have reacted in a similar way btw and would have needed someone to spell it out for me. (Well actually I DID need someone to spell it out for me...).
YY about ringing her gran about it and explain too.

MrsJayy · 03/08/2016 16:06

You have cancer and she is stressed !

bigTillyMint · 03/08/2016 16:15

This is the kind of stunt my DD might pull (did actually back out of a hol days before we were due to go, but we had a fab time and she got to do what she wanted at the time and got a load of stick from all her mates/everyone who couldn't believe she hadn't gone FWIW, I think she'd think twice before doing it again)

I would also play the granny card, tell her to ring her and also the bit about being disappointed with her/so immature and self-centred/last family hol, etc. And leave the ball in her court.

Massive sympathies Flowers

Original poster
Beezles · 03/08/2016 16:18

Thank you all. It is really helpful to get some perspective. I think there are lots of things going on here. I can't force her to come but I think I am going to have to let her sit with the consequences. She really doesn't see she has done anything wrong I think, so I also going to have to sit with being hated which u find really painful. I hate discord.

OP posts:
tralaaa · 03/08/2016 16:24

I would say I'm disappointed that your not coming and leave it at that. Let her start the conversation with you about funds for the festival, food and travel. You go on holiday and have a nice time with your mum

MrsJayy · 03/08/2016 16:25

She wont hate you she will be huffy and strop about and say it is not fair but she wont hate you
. You are going through so much but you cant keep them happy all the time. She is as she pointed out an adult and with being an adult comes with responsibilities and consequence to actions let her take responsibility for her actions it is ok for you to do that.

Floralnomad · 03/08/2016 16:26

If everyone else is going I would just tell her that the house is being shut up on the day you are leaving so if she isn't coming she needs to find somewhere else to stay until the festival .

MrsJayy · 03/08/2016 16:30

Oo flora that's good

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2016 16:35

Have you already given her the spending money?

Original poster
Beezles · 03/08/2016 16:47

No. She hasn't earned it yet by doi g the stuff I was going to pay her for.

OP posts:
Dozer · 03/08/2016 16:52

Don't be paying her OP!

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2016 16:53

Does she realise that you giving her the spending money was on condition of going these jobs?

Is she still expecting the money?

Dozer · 03/08/2016 16:54

V sorry you're ill.

Your DD is not behaving kindly or like an adult: she has cost you money and let you, her sibling and her grandmother etc down. I would tell her this, remind her of the circumstances, and would not accept any "I had no choice" bollocks: if she had no choice why does she now feel able to pull out at the last minute? She's being out of order.

I suffer from travel and other anxiety; it's not an excuse to treat others badly.

You would be being too soft to pay her for tasks to subsidise her festival trip IMO.

mummytime · 03/08/2016 17:07

With my DD I try hard not to argue. So would ignore it, apart from maybe asking if she needs a lemsip or sick bucket or early night (as she is ill).
Then tomorrow I would discuss our arrangements for going, what time we need to leave etc. as if she was coming. If she sill insists she isn't especially if it is because she is ill I would ask if she is going to stay with a friend (as its not good for her to be home alone if sick), and discuss how we could help her cope with the journey etc. Discuss if we need to call the doctor and discuss if she should go to the festival if I'll etc.

Stevefromstevenage · 03/08/2016 17:13

To be honest I don't think she is being unreasonable at all except maybe needing you to find her plans. My last family holiday was at 17 now in fairness I have 3 older siblings so my mother was no quite seeing this holiday as the end of beautiful family time but rather ensuring her house was not trashed It was frankly awful. I hated every second because I had nothing really in common with my parents at that age. I would not make my daughter holiday with me at 18. Great if she wanted too but it sounds like you presented it as a fait accompli to her.

Stevefromstevenage · 03/08/2016 17:14

Find her plans= find her plans

mummytime · 03/08/2016 17:15

With my DD I try hard not to argue. So would ignore it, apart from maybe asking if she needs a lemsip or sick bucket or early night (as she is ill).
Then tomorrow I would discuss our arrangements for going, what time we need to leave etc. as if she was coming. If she sill insists she isn't especially if it is because she is ill I would ask if she is going to stay with a friend (as its not good for her to be home alone if sick), and discuss how we could help her cope with the journey etc. Discuss if we need to call the doctor and discuss if she should go to the festival if I'll etc.

SavoyCabbage · 03/08/2016 17:28

I'd still give her the money for the jobs if she does the jobs and if they are actual jobs. Like clearing the garage or painting the downstairs toilet. But not if they were just jobs I had thought of to facilitate her going to the festival. Because that's what you do for children and not adults.

Original poster
Beezles · 03/08/2016 17:49

Thank you. Yes 18 is old enough not to come but 18 is old enough not to agree to come with us ( plus lifts arranged to get her home for festival) and then pull out 3 days before leaving. Savoy, the jobs were my non personal paperwork IT stuff, so non essential but useful.

Thanks folks for your advice. I really appreciate your experience and sane thoughts!

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