No boys or upset friends mother?

[1stworldproblemss]

My daughter and step daughter, both 16, had their last exam today and have their leavers assembly Friday and then they are finished with school!! Other than collecting results, their "graduation" if you want to call it that and the 2 years minimum of college they have to do of course haha.

To celebrate exams ending and the long 5 hellish year of school finally being over they are having a party on Saturday. I said a max of 10-15 friends each but being at the same school, in the same year and having serval classes together they have a few of the same friends so I'm not sure how many are actually going to be there.

There will be alcohol, all parents I've spoken to are okay with this and will supply their children with alcohol they feel is appropriate. My eldest son,19 and his girlfriend,18 will be supervising which they are okay with as they have a good relationship with the girlfriend and it's better than having parents around I trust they will make sure everything goes smoothly. My other son,18 and step son,17 will be around the house some where and free to join the party if they want to party with 16 year olds. Me and my partner will be at a "party" of our own at a friends house down the street until the party ends about 1am.

As the party is going on quite late some parents can't do lifts and as me and partner will be drinking and possibably all my other children will have had 1 or 2 drinks none of us will be able to do lifts either, we decided to allow a few kids to stay the night. They have planned to get the bedding off their bed and get together all spare bedding, pillows and blankets together and all have a sleepover in the lounge. Not that that bit was really relevant haha

So far we have 4 girls and 3 boys staying the night. One of the boys is my step daughters boyfriend and the 2 others are his friends who are staying so it isn't 1 boy and 6 girls.

Problem is my daughters best friends mum has text me this evening to say she is not comfortable with the boys being there for the sleepover. I replied and told her this has been the plan for ages and she was aware, it might be a bit late to tell the boys they can no longer stay but I do understand her worries. I explained to her that it will be 9 of them all together all on the living room floor so nothing dodgy should happen. She has said she will not stop her daughter going to the party or sleeping over as she doesn't want to be a party pooper but she will be extremely upset if the boys still stay after she has told me she is unhappy. She is a pretty chilled out mum, she allows sleepovers between our daughters almost every non school night and is relaxed about most things so for her to text me and say this it must mean a lot to her.

Her daughter and mine have been close friends for the longest time so the mum is a close friend of ours and I would hate to cause trouble. But I also don't want to upset any of the boys and their parents. My step daughter would be pretty upset too as this was going to be her first sleepover with her boyfriend as my rule for boyfriend/girlfriend sleep overs is 16+ and left school. So I'm at a bit of a loss what to do. Like I said, this has been the plan for about a month now and I know her mum knew this so why has she only expressed her concerns 2 days before

She lives close by so if needs be me, my partner or one of my sons could walk her home. My eldest son has told me he is happy to walk with my daughter and her friend back to friends house but then she might feel left out from sleepover. The boys are able to get a lift home so they could go and it just be a girls sleepover and then step daughter has her boyfriend to sleep over the next night as their won't be school the next day. But again I don't want to exclude them from a sleepover they were invited too.

Ahh I'm just so confused haha! Please any one offer me advice on what to do!

Bit of a long one this, sorry! Thank you.

[knitknack]

Honestly don't just trust them to be safe - help them. Have condoms (wish all parents could just have a bowl of them in the kitchen or something... Sigh)

[fastdaytears]

at 16 surely they dont have random hook ups

We did nothing else!

Probably they won't do it in front of each other unless they think everyone is asleep, but presumably there are bathrooms and side rooms?

[FlouncyMcFlounceFace]

I seam to remember at 16 it didn't need to be a sleep overy for sexual activity. If I wanted too there was plenty of opportunity. Bottom of the school field just into the woods was a favorite for some in the many free lessons around exam time.

Tough situation with your adult friend though. Isn't this something that the adults should resolve and inform the DC of the revised plan.

Could separate rooms, and floors, no going to bed till adults are home be a worth while middle ground?

[1stworldproblemss]

Yeah, funnily enough we do actually have a bowl of them. My son was taking the pee a few months back when my step son had a party for his birthday and filled a fish bowl he had for cocktails with condoms and it's just sat in our kitchen cupboard since. Refill a bit and that will do the trick!

[1stworldproblemss]

By hook ups I understand a bit of snogging and groping is going to happen but surely not one night stands! Maybe I just don't know kids aswell as I thought though.

I can't do separate rooms as we don't have any other room apart from the lounge as I'm not happy about them being upstairs as we have super creaky floors and I don't want to be woken by them moving around.

They won't be going to bed until we arrive home anyway, the agreement we came to is they can party until we get home then well arrive and everyone will start disappearing!

[useyourimagination]

Hmm - in my experience, a room full of mates is the best contraceptive around.

If she's not happy, she needs to pick her daughter up.

[redcaryellowcar]

I appreciate your concern about squeaking floorboards, but in hut situation I would have the girls up in daughters bedroom and boys in lounge.
I think if sex is going to happen it could easily have happened before you get back from your party, I'm not sure the 'sleeping over' bit makes it more likely?

[FlouncyMcFlounceFace]

You need a tent. Stick the boys in the garden.

[knitknack]

Awesome! (Maybe don't mention the goldfish bowl to your friend, mind).

[1stworldproblemss]

I'm fine with them all staying in the lounge, they would only be sneaking around to be with each other anyway! Like you said, it's possible it will happen while we're out! More likely that it will happen during the party rather than the sleepover.

My 3 other boys all have had girlfriends to stay and my eldests girl pretty much lives with us now so I don't want to say that's fine then not trust my daughters to have a sleepover with 4 other girls and 3 boys.

If sex happens then it happens. They have condoms, I've talked to my girls about safe sex and they are both on the pills and to me it's unlikely that that group of people will end up having sex.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

You are having a party/ sleepover that you are ok with and the other parents are ok with. It's supervised by older siblings. If this girl's mum isn't happy she has lots of options, your ds will walk her dd/ her dd and your friend home, she can pay for a cab or she can pick her up. Don't change the whole party and be the bad guy, I wouldn't!

[Lightbulbon]

at 16 surely they dont have random hook ups?

Sorry op but this is about the most naive thing I've ever read over all my years on mn!

16 14 year olds certainly do have sex with people they have just met and have no intention of having a relationship with

I'm also quite concerned that you seem to have assumed that nothing non-consensual will happen.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

• your dd and her friend, not your friend!

[1stworldproblemss]

I assume that everything will be fine as they all go to the same school bar maybe 5 of them, they've known each other years.

I understand that random and possible nonconsensual sex could happen but they are all friends who know each other. This isn't a party of ransoms, these are people I know and my daughters trust.

[Iknownuffink]

The mum can come and collect her daughter or tell her daughter that she cannot go to the party.

What she cannot do is dictate the type of party that you have given permission for.

[1stworldproblemss]

I have no intentions of changing the party anyway and I now don't think I should be changing the sleepover so I just have to deal with the fact that sex may happen. Hopefully they are smart enough to stay safe.

If we all didn't do something because sex might be involved or something we don't consent to could happen we would never do anything.

[FlouncyMcFlounceFace]

Sounds like you've reasoned it through, you're happy and have reinforced your confidence in your arrangements.

Only thing that remains is how to handle friends mum. Could it be an in person thing and pass the buck back laying out the various options for her DD to get back to her etc.

[Cheeseaddicted]

In all honestly I think it is more likely I will walk out my front door and get raped by my very creepy next door neighbour than a 16 year old get raped by another 16 year old at a party full of 16 year olds that are all friends and been in school together for 5 years.

I know it can happen but I agree, if we all didn't do something because there is a chance we could get raped we wouldn't even leave the house.

[Shadow1986]

I went to a similar party and sleepover at the same age at a friends house and there was sexual activity, I think you'd be fooling yourself to think there wouldn't be...if you think not only will they be drinking, once others are asleep etc there will be opportunity...me and my BF for example snuck off to the dining room when everyone was asleep - totally disrespectful I know but was only 16 and we didn't get chance to be alone very often!!
but I do think it's down to the mum who has a problem to be the one to pick up her daughter, it's not down to you to change plans for one person.

[Pinkheart5915]

Party sounds great to Me, when I finished my exams my parents let me have a party with 20 friends some were even boys! and there was alchol and there might of been a bit of kissing but that was it no orgy no threesum I was still a virgin at the end of the party

As the the friends mum, I wouldn't change the sleepover she's free to pick dd up if she wants

[Thisismyfirsttime]

I meant don't change the sleepover OP, sorry! I got too wrapped up in party/ sleepover. What I meant was that as you and the other parents of sleepover kids were ok with it the sleepover shouldn't be changed as there are so many options to get the friend home after the party, I didn't make that clear.

[BirthdayBetty]

Your house, your rules. If the mum doesn't like it then she needs to collect her dd after the party.

[katienana]

I would put a big box of tissues in the living room, I think hand jobs are the most likely scenario here.
The posters whose kids are saying there wouldn't necessarily be sex - they would say that wouldn't they!
When I was 16 (not that long ago) we used to go clubbing and get taxis home. Anyone not happy with your set up can ring a taxi or even book one in advance. I'd still go ahead with the plan it sounds a lot safer than the nights out I was going on back in 2000!

[Wondermum81]

i agree with everyone else, it is up to the mum to deal with her daughter not you. I would text her and say you can not stop the boys staying as it will create more problems, if she isn't comfortable with her daughter staying then she can arange for her to get home.

[1stworldproblemss]

Theres always a box of tissues in the lounge so all good on that front.

Although I agree that they would say there won't be sex regardless I do believe them. I have 3 other boys who have had serval parties over the last 3 years, many of which I have been around for and there has never been anything too suspicious going on.