A mum who cannot do basics and has zero control of kids

[inastew]

My wife shouts a lot, but accepts she contributes 1% of family needs and chores and organising. Genuinely I cannot think of one thing she good at.

Groundhog day. 12 year old (acts like a teenager hence posting here) shouting in room as I type at half 10 as he frustrated he can't get off to sleep. Was same last night, so I asked (made agreement with) wife no screen time for him after 8pm. Son agreed. Bedroom at 9 to read, and lights out half 9. Spare me the 'too early' replies - the school report he tired in class and we cannot get him out of bed half 7 each morning. He needs his sleep.

Anyway, point being, just been told son been on IPad 9pm til after 10 and he is loudly mocking my wife for being so pathetic with agreed rules. Sounds petty typing that now, but I feel really sad such basics can't be adhered to. It has hit me like a train. I have been ran ragged all day and fell asleep on sofa earlier - but all this stress and shouting now between them was so easily avoidable. 6 year old now been awoken by their noise.

I am at end of tether. I looked out window a few minutes ago to see an old man walk his dog - I genuinely believe this old guy could have said to son "no ipad" and son would be asleep by now.

Tomorrow I can look forward to 7am to 8am utter bedlam in house. I have got all uniforms laid out and packed lunches and cereal bowls laid out. It could not be easier. Yet without fail the minute I am having a shave or turn back, kids will be jumping on sofa eating chocolate brownies for breakfast getting brown stains on sofa and wife yelling at them, and kids laughing.

There has never even been a consequence to their behaviour. 100 threats and the scooter getting 'taken off them' most days, yet they will be on scooter when I come home from work, 100% guarantee.

I am not standing on sidelines judging. I am trying to put up a united front, but wife is like another toddler in house. I have taken scooter away (gone to work with me on the bus to great amusement by work colleagues) but the issue is kids need see HER do this so they know there is a consequence to their behaviour. Frankly, she is a joke figure to them. And it has hit me tonight like a bolt from the blue.

In morning, she will not be able to get youngest dressed. Nor to clean teeth nor go to loo nor to get kid washed, nor to do anything. It will be anarchy and wife calling kids every name under sun. How long until kid starts telling her teacher what mummy says to her everyday without fail?

A few mins ago I told my wife calmly it is actually easier when she is not around. She came home to dinner on table, kids homework done and kids calm and contented. It kicked off almost straight away. Kids thrive on her over reaction and the attention they get from her irrational shouting.

Between 7pm to 10pm she could not even clear her plate off the dinner table. I said she has had 3 hours watching TV herself and could she do 3 minutes to tidy dishes, while I delt with teenager and crying awoken daughter. Not happening, big argument about that too. Seems illogical to me.

Teenager is all the blame, says she. Everything is his fault. For first time tonight I have sussed it is actually her fault. I have asked her not to come home tomorrow after work so me snd kids can have a quiet calm happy evening and kids off to sleep happy, instead of with an hour shouting and insults in their head.

She has just went down to sleep on sofa. What a relief!

She has a good job and seems well thought off. So financially I cannot leave. Frankly, I would not trust her with kids alone anyway - sorry if that sounds nasty, but she appears unable or unwilling to even feed or clothe kids. If I did not keep fridge full of food I genuinely doubt the kids would eat much. She makes excuses to avoid even bringing in milk anytime.

So teenager (sorry 12 year old) struggling at school last 6 months and behaviour gone seriously down hill. But is issue not with teenager at all. Does he just wish a few boundaries perhaps? How is he going to learn respect if 'rules' are backed down 100% by his mum but the kids know never by me.

A dad at his wits end.

You're going to get slaughtered for being a man. Repost and pretend you're a woman you'll get more help and support.

OP I really feel for you, I couldn't live like this! Your kids (and you) need a peaceful household. Your sons anger issues can't be helped with your wife's anger surely? If he's witnessing the outbursts and screaming he's going to copy. Could you try a short separation from your wife? Would she move out for a week or 2? Maybe time apart will make her see things can't continue. I'd be tempted to try some kind of counselling and maybe even family counselling? I hope you manage to come up with a plan so you can all work to a happier house

I was going to say you should of let on you were a woman. I see the horrible man haters were just waiting to pounce on this one. Thankfully you have had some responses from some rational posters. I would get shot of her, she is damaging her kids and really doesn't seem worth it.

Lots of "if you were a woman"... comments

It does feel very difficult and I'm sorry to hear if your heslth.Do you have family who could stay with you whilst your wife leaves (maybe to go to her family)?

I think you need to tell your mother and start building support for yourself so that you can move forwards.

Could you take time off work for a period of time I appreciate not all employers are good but a respite might help to settle the children? Your son needs to feel safe.The house needs to be calm for the children and if you are able to do that by reducing work it's worth the sacrifice.

What does your wife actually say about the situation? Does she explain her outbursts?

My dhs mother was like this, I assumed it was stress or hormones or tiredness or alcohol...but no, she a difficult woman who may have a bpd.All her children are no contact with her as a result.

If this is the case, in your situation you can't solve it and you just have to leave to protect the children.

To be fair op you have introduced a lot of new information: your ill health and seizures, meetings with your son's school counsellor and the full extent of your wife's behaviour. Even the account of the football/sofa evening is somewhat different from the original - one can only comment on the information provided.

I do read posts carefully before responding.
Your original post describes a mother who has been struggling to discipline her children: "son is loudly mocking my wife for being so pathetic with agreed rules", "100 threats but no action", "Frankly she is a joke figure to them." Now you are hinting that your wife physically assaulted your son yesterday - or perhaps it was the other way round?

I am surprised from what you have revealed about your wife's behaviour that you did not realise the effect on your children earlier. "For first time tonight I have sussed it is actually her fault." "And it has hit me tonight like a bolt from the blue." Your wife does indeed sound very depressed/and or mentally ill and in need of help - you all do."

I have noticed a connection between your illness, " My brain shuts down...so I am kinda vulnerable the last 6 months and your son's bad behaviour at school/not wanting to meet his friends, "struggling at school last 6 months and behaviour gone seriously downhill. "Last 6 months* he can't be bothered when they all go play football." I think you need family support for your illness. Have you mentioned your illness to your son's school counsellor or indeed anything about the atmosphere at home? You also need to consider whether your illness has had an effect on your wife's behaviour.

Agree I embarrassed about how bad things are at home.
Just now we on holiday and it's been a living nightmare for 3 days.

When does this misery end. How can someone shout so much and so publicly. People were coming out of lodges to witness the commotion and that was just parking the car to unload at very start of holiday!

I just trying to put brave face on it and give the kids a good time.
Poor kids having to listen to her bile.
She has to go sometime. It's picking when financially viable.

OP I can't help feeling it's rather distasteful coming on here to complain about how unpleasant your wife is. "She has to go sometime" sounds like you're throwing out a defective piece of goods.

Maybe your wife is emotionally abusing you so that you don't feel you can leave. You can, you really can, and the time to do it is now. For your sake and the kids' sake.
(From this end of the internet it is just possible that you're the one emotionally abusing her, that you're undermining and complaining about everything she does, telling her she's mentally ill and putting her under intolerable stress. Which she may be reacting to by getting upset and "shouting".)