A mum who cannot do basics and has zero control of kids

[inastew]

My wife shouts a lot, but accepts she contributes 1% of family needs and chores and organising. Genuinely I cannot think of one thing she good at.

Groundhog day. 12 year old (acts like a teenager hence posting here) shouting in room as I type at half 10 as he frustrated he can't get off to sleep. Was same last night, so I asked (made agreement with) wife no screen time for him after 8pm. Son agreed. Bedroom at 9 to read, and lights out half 9. Spare me the 'too early' replies - the school report he tired in class and we cannot get him out of bed half 7 each morning. He needs his sleep.

Anyway, point being, just been told son been on IPad 9pm til after 10 and he is loudly mocking my wife for being so pathetic with agreed rules. Sounds petty typing that now, but I feel really sad such basics can't be adhered to. It has hit me like a train. I have been ran ragged all day and fell asleep on sofa earlier - but all this stress and shouting now between them was so easily avoidable. 6 year old now been awoken by their noise.

I am at end of tether. I looked out window a few minutes ago to see an old man walk his dog - I genuinely believe this old guy could have said to son "no ipad" and son would be asleep by now.

Tomorrow I can look forward to 7am to 8am utter bedlam in house. I have got all uniforms laid out and packed lunches and cereal bowls laid out. It could not be easier. Yet without fail the minute I am having a shave or turn back, kids will be jumping on sofa eating chocolate brownies for breakfast getting brown stains on sofa and wife yelling at them, and kids laughing.

There has never even been a consequence to their behaviour. 100 threats and the scooter getting 'taken off them' most days, yet they will be on scooter when I come home from work, 100% guarantee.

I am not standing on sidelines judging. I am trying to put up a united front, but wife is like another toddler in house. I have taken scooter away (gone to work with me on the bus to great amusement by work colleagues) but the issue is kids need see HER do this so they know there is a consequence to their behaviour. Frankly, she is a joke figure to them. And it has hit me tonight like a bolt from the blue.

In morning, she will not be able to get youngest dressed. Nor to clean teeth nor go to loo nor to get kid washed, nor to do anything. It will be anarchy and wife calling kids every name under sun. How long until kid starts telling her teacher what mummy says to her everyday without fail?

A few mins ago I told my wife calmly it is actually easier when she is not around. She came home to dinner on table, kids homework done and kids calm and contented. It kicked off almost straight away. Kids thrive on her over reaction and the attention they get from her irrational shouting.

Between 7pm to 10pm she could not even clear her plate off the dinner table. I said she has had 3 hours watching TV herself and could she do 3 minutes to tidy dishes, while I delt with teenager and crying awoken daughter. Not happening, big argument about that too. Seems illogical to me.

Teenager is all the blame, says she. Everything is his fault. For first time tonight I have sussed it is actually her fault. I have asked her not to come home tomorrow after work so me snd kids can have a quiet calm happy evening and kids off to sleep happy, instead of with an hour shouting and insults in their head.

She has just went down to sleep on sofa. What a relief!

She has a good job and seems well thought off. So financially I cannot leave. Frankly, I would not trust her with kids alone anyway - sorry if that sounds nasty, but she appears unable or unwilling to even feed or clothe kids. If I did not keep fridge full of food I genuinely doubt the kids would eat much. She makes excuses to avoid even bringing in milk anytime.

So teenager (sorry 12 year old) struggling at school last 6 months and behaviour gone seriously down hill. But is issue not with teenager at all. Does he just wish a few boundaries perhaps? How is he going to learn respect if 'rules' are backed down 100% by his mum but the kids know never by me.

A dad at his wits end.

Portia said " Nobody's perfect and why don't you help "

I do 99% but cannot be in daughters room and dealing with son at same time. When I come out to tame son shouting then my wife says I undermining her!

All I want to a peaceful happy house. Not my daughter physically trembling in fear having been woken by son kicking off major time when time for bed.

Wife goes out a couple of evenings a month and house peaceful and happy then. May be a coincidence.

Same when we sitting having dinner and in she walks from work, and it kicks off immediately. It's all my fault apparently.

I am not looking for sympathy, but any suggestions to try welcome. She won't change, so me and son will need to.

This morning he got very violent and really tried to break glass in front door and was trashing house and car. All because I took his phone off him as he repeatedly used F word to his mum.
Guess what - all my fault again, when I was trying to back her.

Again, consequences were shouted, and by this evening she will have backed down and given in to son and IPad and phone will be handed over.
I have hid them, but I know the severe pressure I will be under from them both. When I think I have done right thing. Any advice?

I am genuinely dreading going home tonight. One day I won't and leave then to it for an evening battle, but then I know I could not face the neighbours after their noise. It really is so loud half the street can hear.

Has she made a rod for her own back and can never recover and control kids now? Putting shoes on 6 year old, helping her dress for school, getting her to clean teeth etc etc. Never once completed without anarchy.

Help.

I don't think I'd be as bothered by this forum if it wasn't so obvious that the nature of the replies [which are extremely negative and blame only the man] would be entirely different if this person was a female and their husband was the other person. Hmm. It makes you think.

Has your son got any problems that make him behave in such a manor?

I don't think it's ok for your children to be swearing not only at their mother but at anybody. It shows a luck of disrespect and discipline.

Why do you try dealing with your son and let your wife deal with your daughter. is she not up for putting putting your daughter to bed?

If you don't want to leave the marriage, it might be best to take on all the ask. Take her out of the equation. If she wants t join in, let but if she doesn't, ignore.

From how it's coming across she is not going to change. There is something wrong and only you know that or can try and guess. Wether it's with your son or the way your wife behaves, or even how you treat your wife that it has made her back off.

You could try changing how you talk to her. Why do you think she has stepped back on the parenting? At what point did this happen or has it always been like this ?

Do you think you can find a system on how to run the family without her her involvement or causing chaos?

Do you think your wife would attend parenting classes? Or you could both go together. You could ask gp about what's available.

I think you need to take your children and leave. If this was my partner i would be tearing my hair out. In fact i did leave my useless partner and life for me and DCs has been a million times better. Yes lone parenting is hard work but you have a hinderance rather than a help in your partner. Take control and take your kids out of this ridiculous situation.

I think you sound completely stressed and it's not clear if your wife behaviour isn't also as a result of stress I.e she gives in for an easy life.
Your children are likely to be exploiting your parenting differences so making a bad situation worse.

Tackle one issue jointly.Is that morning? Or your son's use of tablet.I would suggest you disable WiFi at 9:30, maybe if everyone was off electronics the house would be happier.
Get some parenting books.

You can't change your wifes behaviour but you can impact the house by changing how you react.Focus on that, you sound very angry and laying the blame completely at yours wife's door.A 6 year shouldn't need help with shoes.We tended to give children a 5min warning before leaving and put a checklist on the fridge so it was laid out what was needed.It became a 'game' to check off items

Have you spoken to the school re your son? , his behaviour doesn't feel normal for a teen.I have a boy if a similar age so know how they can be testing but he seems to have anger issues.

However if your wife is destructive to the family then get a separation asap

Agree with becky and newname that there seems to be something wrong with your son that is far beyond what you would expect from just one parent being a lax disciplinarian. Either something specifically wrong with him, or a very strong atmosphere of anger and resentment in the house.

To be frank, my dh does not exactly have Mr Authority written all over him, but that doesn't mean I can't discipline two children at the same time: most single parents manage it.

There is something else going on here and you need to sit down and think about what it might be.

What is your son like at school- have his teachers ever raised concerns? Does he get on with other children his age? Shouting because he can't sleep simply does not sound normal at his age.

Do you tend to get very physical very quickly when disciplining him? Ime boys this age can respond badly to physical force: calm verbal authority tends to work much better. Does your wife start shouting straightaway? Again usually bad idea (with any age to be frank).

I am just wondering if there is something here that you both need help with.

Loads of great replies. Most are spot on and thought provoking.

I have just had 3 hours bedtime riotn8 til 11pm. Deal was I to sit with son from 8pm and watch the live football on TV and get him chatting
Phone and IPad already removed for abuse earlier in day.

My wife lasted 20 mins of screaming at daughter and then chucked it. Kudos was Hugh as jute and upset so I took her downstairs to sit with son. We had good time and all 3 went to bed calmly then one went to look, and wife went in to banshee mode again. She us unable to stay quiet and caused havoc everyou time.

I am tearful as it seems so unnecessary.
I dread tomorrow mornings screaming already.

Don't use an issue. Several posters have sussed this correctly.
have his teachers ever raised concerns? YES
Does he get on with other children his age? No. Last 6 months he can't be bothered when they all go play football every weekend, and go to shops and burger etc

I need contact other mums and make plans on his behalf. Pretty pathetic but only way he will bother going out.

School term started so well, but last 6 months he gone off rails and been on behaviour cards that every single teacher had to sign and comment for every class period . The notes were dreadful at times. He plays the class joker/idiot.

Wife won't go to GPS never mind councilling. Can barely get her to a dentist. Won't do anything really with nagging or if I arrange it.

And no not depressed. Holds down a good job and we'll thought off. No real friends though - just the partners of my friends.

Can't afford to leave. But I sure felt like it. She shouted majority of day from 7am. She woke son up early with her nonsense and that set tone battles for the day.
Real shame. But so needless with tiny bit of effort and tolerance to kids from her.

Op, apologies for my poor spelling and grammar. I was a bit tipsy. I hope you got the gist.

You can be depressed and hold down a job.
Her nonsense? You clearly have no love or respect for your wife. Why are you together?

Well if things are that bad then you need to fess up to the schools about what's going on rather than worrying about your kids 'telling'. Protect your kids and tell your wife she needs to access help - does she have any friends or family who could help her? Do you have any?

Sounds like your wife needs to get a grip! I'm sorry I have nothing helpful to say but I can image this is driving you crazy. Why is she so incapable do you think?

What a horrible situation and it can't continue. either your wife consents to some counselling or you may have to leave whatever the financial consequences as what is going on is having a bad effect on your kids and it will only harm them further if things don't change.

A few posts are laying in to you!. What the hell?. If it was a woman speaking of a man, they'd be up in arms about what a useless father he's being. Hypocrites.

You sound utterly worn out.

How can you parent when the other parent is being bloody useless??.

You need to wait till the kids are either out or asleep and then talk to your wife sternly and placing rules in place that both of you follow in relation to the kids. And tell her she needs to follow it otherwise both kids will keep treating her like a joke.

Tbh it sounds like your wife is being verbally abusive to your children also. Calling the every name under the sun? Hardly being a good parent.

Hope things get better for you.

You and your wife need to split up. Living in a household where the parents hate each other is not going to do your children any good.

What do you actually mean by you 'can't afford' to move out? Would your wife move out? Does she actually want full time custody of the children?

Was she always shouty, loud and generally useless or is this something that has developed recently?

Yes you can afford to leave. Women do it all the time. You might have to live in a smaller place and make compromises. But assuming you get majority of residence with the kids, remember you'd get some money from your wife (ex) to help too. For your sake and kids' sake you don't have to live like this.

You have to split up - for your children's sake. You can afford to - you won't be as well off as you are now, but you will qualify for financial support, you will get child maintenance from your wife. I did it, I left my useless wanker of an ex and I had no job and no money. I gathered up DS & the cat and whatever things I could manage and left.

I'm happy now, DS is happy now and a much calmer child. I'm even tempted to say my ex is probably happy now too - he certainly has a much better relationship with DS.

It's not easy at first, but it is possible. You have to do what is best for your children. Emotional well being is more important than a house in a nice area.

It sounds a very unhappy household - I feel sorry for all of you.

However, you are already being inconsistent with your plan to introduce some order and discipline. A few days ago you resolved to take charge of bedtimes but something has already got in the way - a football tournament. It sounds as though you allowed your 6 year old daughter to stay up until 11pm because you were enjoying an evening of football. Of course your daughter was happy and content sitting on the settee way past her bedtime because she got her own way and undermined your wife again.

I don't know how many football matches you plan to watch but the tournament runs for a month and many of the matches start at 8pm. Do you plan to organise bedtimes early one night and then give in the next? Presumably your wife has given in many times just like you for an easier life but it has backfired.

What was your son's behaviour like at 4, 6, 8, 10? Has your wife been in charge of the children in the evenings for 12 years and you have only just involved yourself or have you shared responsibility in the past? You have mentioned a few chores that you do but who cleans the house/does the washing and ironing? What meals do you prepare in the evening? My dh's idea of preparing the dinner is pressing a few buttons on the microwave (he works very long hours and I don't). Do you have any sort of happy relationship with your wife ever? Do you have family days out at weekends or are your dc watching tv/on the computer all day? What age certificate games does your son play - could there be a problem there? Who looks after your dc during school holidays?

If your son has an undiagnosed behaviour problem (and possibly your daughter although she may just be copying her brother) then maybe your wife is at the end of her tether and cannot cope?

You want to sort the situation but I can't help noticing that you've spent two evenings on the settee since you posted.

Everything said by Clavinova really.

One thing does bother me: your son's behaviour is not normal, teachers have raised concerns about him, he is struggling with social interactions and all your posts are about the uselessness of your wife. What exactly are you doing about getting your son's issues identified and supported? Don't you think that might be at least an equal priority?

I think it is time you - and your wife- stopped thinking in terms of blame and started thinking in terms of support. At the moment it sounds like your household is a very unhappy place.

Op there is a section on Mn that might help with your child. You might get help and advice on there. The people are more sympathetic and very understanding. I have seen it being mentioned on here. Hopefully somebody who knows can help name it.

OK, things going a bit worse, but I cannot type what as its verging on illegal between mum and 12 year old yesterday.

Anyway, its fair to say it sounds a very unhappy household - but I have asked wife to make up 'to do lists' for kids each morning, and a kinda reward chart. It is a start. Wife needs it as much as kids, but that sounds like I having a go at her. I am trying to help her gain any sort of control over kids.

I shall try answer questions from last few posts. It may come across as 'protesting too much' with my replies, but I don't want to ignore questions asked. I want help remember, so I am open to suggestions.

A few said "why don't you leave".

• partly financial, partly I need an adult in house. My brain shuts down for 5 or 10 minutes at a time so I am kinda vulnerable the last 6 months. I cannot drive ofcourse but on tablets now to try control seizures.
• in my mind I am setting end of this year to decide to make escape or try improve things at home and with a tricky teenager.

Clavinova - "you allowed your 6 year old daughter to stay up until 11pm because you were enjoying an evening of football. this undermined your wife again."

• what happened was I asked wife in afternoon to take daughter 20 minutes and play in other room as I had to phone my ill Mum. She screaming so loud at kid my Mum could overhear it over phone. I said it was a naighbour! It was so severe and I actually recorded it on my mobile while still on house phone to Mum it was so loud. I am sitting

down with wife tonight for a 'chat' and will let her hear it as I think she does not know how crazy she is with kids. Its manic. Its embarrassing. So i will delete audio later as I not using it against her, just so she aware how bad it is. So after phone call I took daughter back and played with her couple of hours in lounge and got her off for a nap on sofa as kid was tired. Unusual she sleeps during day but was admittedly ratty. SO that is why kid never settled later at bedtime, and ended downstairs. For the record, my wife was screaming as ever at bedtime, and then stormed out house in mood. She does that a fair bit. House is calmer when she out so this odd behaviour suits us fine! So I was not undermining wife - she checked out after a trail of vebal abuse to kid, so kid came for comfort with me and her brother. She was not tired at normal bedtime due to unusual afternoon nap.

Clavinova - "shared responsibility in the past"?

• She did a little more for son when born, but its gradually got less and less over the years.

Clavinova - who cleans the house/does the washing."

• Me 99%. I genuinely have to re-do the washing up as dishes get a quick dip in suds at best. 12 year refuses to eat off a plate or take anything including clothes she has touched.

She not high on cleanliness really.

• I can say in year 2016 not a single clothes washing has been hung up to dry by her. Sometimes I leave it in machine on purpose but it is just not on her radar to action, nor care it seems.

Ironing she does, but this is almost non existant and kids go to school with un ironed shirts every day. I put daughter in polo top most days so ironing not really needed to be fair.

• I cannot iron for medical reasons! I know that sounds utter bollards, but I have been taking seizures last 6 months and can't cut grass or even take a bath incase I zone out.

Clavinova - What meals do you prepare in the evening?

• all of them, expect one day midweek when I work late and she has that day off. I come home and kitchen is a bombsite. Sounds petty, but i cant comprehend why some stuff cant be put away while oven is cooking food. She will stand and stare at microwave for 4 minutes rather than get plates out or prepare cutlery while waiting on food. Again sounds petty typing that.

Clavinova - "What age certificate games does your son play"
Cert 18 stuff strictly NOT allowed. All his friends play COD online so he a bit left out, but for him it is Fifa16 football game, or lego or minecraft.

Clavinova - "can't help noticing that you've spent two evenings on the settee"

• that made me smile. But its a fair comment. The 11pm i explained earlier when wife stormed out house, and first 'sofa session' was a plan to get son off PS4 and so I could try talk interact with him for hour or so. I am trying to spend time with him to build his confidence. Trying to take interest in football for him and listen to him talk about something he interested in - which aint much to be honest.

corythatwas - "What exactly are you doing about getting your son's issues identified and supported?"

• Fair point. I meeting school Guidance teacher regularly now, and I think building his confidence will help also. I play sports with him set time every weekend, but he makes a huge fuss. I do still go as I think it important for him to have time out house, and time with me and some excercise.

Inastew so sorry you are having a tough time, and pleased you are sharing with us and getting some helpful comments now.
Your wife sounds as if she is mentally ill. Someone needs to persuade her to see her GP as a first step.