13 year old dd and bedtime - is this a battle worth fighting?

[Dancergirl]

My middle dd is 13. Having got off very lightly with teenage stuff with my oldest dd (15), dd2 definitely pushes the boundaries far more and likes an argument.

Her bedtime has been drifting later and later. I accept that she might not need as much sleep as I thought so I've relaxed a bit and aimed for between 10 and 10.30pm. She's fine getting up in the morning btw.

However, I've said to her that by 9.30pm her phone should be off and left charging in the kitchen and she should start heading upstairs. Partly because she needs some faffing time and partly because dh and I can spend a bit of time together.

So last night, we were watching tv together, I reminded her it was 9.30, she replied 'in a minute'. After a long moan about how unfair I am, I don't nag dd1 etc etc, she stomped off to bed and didn't come and say goodnight like she usually does.

I suppose I am a bit lax with dd1, she is supposed to be in bed by 11pm but she is also a faffer. But it's late by then and I'm going to bed myself.

This morning dd2 was obviously still in a mood with me

So I don't know. When do you stop enforcing bedtimes? I know teens still need boundaries but on the other hand is this a battle worth fighting?

Nothing with a screen for 2 hours before bed in our house, applies as much to 11yr old as 16yr old. They read and it makes them fall asleep.

Some people just don't need much sleep. I can function perfectly well on 4 hours, with 6 my ideal. My husband likes a solid 8. We manage the disparity by me going into work really early, leaving DH and DD in bed until they need to get up for school. DH also runs his own business, with a commute down to the bottom of the garden - we've built our career choices partly around how well we cope with lack of sleep.

Screens absolutely forbidden for an hour before bed, though. Books rule at night.

Nothing wrong with sending teens to their rooms without screens if they can then read or whatever until they are ready for sleep. It's the Internet that's addictive and destroys sleep patterns. I'm really surprised at the pp who thinks 9.30 is too early to send a 13 year old to their room on a school night My 7yo sleeps quite late but he's still in his room by 8pm even if he doesn't sleep u til 9.

My kids seem to need a lot of sleep, so for DS (13) it's lights out at 9:30 (devices off at 9), he sometimes goes to bed earlier, at weekends it is later (10/10:30)

But about "enforcing" I would not give in because of a mood the next day!

I'd say: you are ina mood, tired and grumpy, so maybe we should bring your bedtime forward!

On principle I don't give in to sulking.

If DS asks to stay up later to see a movie, and he can sleep in the next day, I let him, because he has made a reasonable request in a reasonable manner. HOW kids ask for something makes a difference to me!

I can't be bothered with really strict rules tbh.

My 8 year old dts are often still reading to us at 9pm and lights out at 9.10 ish but they chat/read/do rolly pollies off the bed until God knows what time!

The 12 year old dd - I encourage up at 9.30 but sometimes we watch a TV programme together and many of these are from 9-10pm so I don't ask her to leave half way through. I love spending this time with her and want to encourage her to remain downstairs with the family as long as possible because...

the 15 year old ds is ALWAYS in his room and we never really see him . I take his phone off him at 10.30 though. He is in the typical teenage mode of not feeling tired until late. Any earlier and he is not ready to sleep. I'm also knackered by then!

I wouldn't get too stressed about it and impose consequences. What's ten minutes later going to do, really? Not a lot!

What's ten minutes later going to do, really? Not a lot!

That's true in itself and if it was just 10 minutes then I wouldn't have a problem with that. The problem is, it then becomes another 10 minutes, then another and gradually you end up with them going up to bed MUCH later than you would like.

I'm still undecided really. Also, it's hard to spend your evening 'enforcing' the rules, keeping an eye on the time and if your teens are sticking to the rules. I can't relax properly!

My 13 and 15 year old go to bed at 8pm because they really need their sleep. I don't think she is hard done by at all by being told to go bed at 9.30 pm if anything I woild say 9.

My bedtime was 9.30 until I left school at 17!!!!! And it was enforced.

MY 15 year old is told to switch off at 9 and is expected to then do her bedtime routine and be in bed by half past. She can read/think/do whatever as long as it doesn't involve screens until she's ready to sleep.

At the moment she's revising, revising, revising and she herself tells me that she needs the rest (if not sleep) and wants to have that quiet time.

DD1 is 11 and also goes to bed at 9. She's also still usually awake at 11 when I go up as she and her sister have never been good sleepers. But I need some time when they are in bed and they need some chilling out without distraction time so they can sleep.

Blue screen tech stuffs up sleep, especially if they are texting all night. Upstairs with a BOOK at a suitable time. Go to the library, its rather good.

Blue screen tech stuffs up sleep

The evidence for that is pretty limited, but if it worries you, software which progressively changes the colour temperature of the screen as the evening wears on is hardly exotic: f.lux for most devices other than iOS, and it's built in to iOS since 9.3 shipped a few months ago.

14 year old is supposed to plug in her phone in the living room at 9:30, bed by 10pm on a school night. In practice it's more like I nag for 45 minutes until phone gets plugged in with much huffing at 10:15, and she goes to bed right away. Her latest wheeze is going to the bathroom 'to brush her teeth', taking the phone with her and locking herself in.

9.30 to head upstairs for a 13 year old seems reasonable.

Lights out 10pm on a school night seems fine.

I enforce it with clear consequences - same with getting of PS4 after 1 hour play - every minute he goes over costs him 10 minutes earlier the next night.

They pick up the punishment quickly - as long as you enforce it strictly and calmly.

I think its utterly crap that 13 year olds are allowed to take their phones to bed during school time, they should be reading and I don't care if I sound like a miserable old bag. Phones are completely addictive and do nothing for their mental wellbeing whereas pottering about and reading is good for them.

gavel

^ agree so much with what gavel says. Discipline is part of love.

Plus the earlier the better, parents also need time to chill :)

NB. once 9 p.m. goes by, I see the change in mood (for both of us).

We used to threaten we would have a snog on the sofa if she didn't go to bed. It worked every single time. :)

You can't force them to sleep but DH and I like to watch programmes on tv that are unsuitable for under 18s and don't want to go to bed too late ourselves. Our 15 yo goes up to bed by 10.00 at the latest but usually chooses to go by 9.00 to 9.30 if she hasn't already been in her bedroom before this. She does sometimes watch videos or listen to music on her Ipod in bed but it helps her sleep and she hates reading, sadly. I rare find her awake when I go up around 10.30.

I still send my 14 year old up to bed with her younger siblings at 8pm!

God in my house, my 14 and 15 year olds are sometimes eating dinner at that time! And are definitely still doing homework.

My 15 year old is often asleep by 9.30 though. 14 year old by 10ish. they have early starts and need their sleep. All electronics stay on the landing. My younger one tells me many of her friends are up doing homework until 11/12 at night.

You are right OP. You need space and she needs sleep! She's only 13...not 17...there's a big difference.

Ds is just 15 and he's upstairs at 9( phone left in kitchen) lights out at 9.30. he's usually also by 9.45.

Plenty late enough on school nights, Friday and Saturday he can go as late as he likes.

Also= asleep

I let my.15yr old son go sleep when he's wants he also takes he's phone to bed he's always in hes bedroom anyway, I dnt see nd problem he wakes up at 6,30 by he's self nd never late for school also rides he's bike to school nd plays an hr of basket ball every morning before school so he's obv getting enough sleep, my 6 nd 10 yr old girls take there self to bed a 9 nd go straight to sleep think girls need more sleep than boys, I no I do

My 17 and 15 year olds have a 10pm bedtime all week. It's not fiercely enforced as sometimes we watch something that runs a bit over or one of them wants a chat, however by 10.30 I start to get pretty pissy if they are not in their rooms with the lights off. They mostly take themselves off to bed without needing any encouragement though.

My nearly 14 year old goes to bed between 10-10.30 as do I. I usually look in on her to check she's off screens when I go up and then she gets ready for bed and reads for a bit. She has to be up at 6.40 for school and always gets up. I would rather she fell asleep at 10 every night really because of the early rising, but it is up to her to self-regulate a bit too.

Why do girls need more sleep than boys?

I don't think any children should have phones in their rooms at night, it's a good thing to be ' unavailable' some of the time.

Good sleep hygiene= no screens at least an hour before sleep.