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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 yo old DD had sex

52 replies

whatdoidowiththis · 24/04/2016 19:05

Found out my 14 yo DD has had sex with her boyfriend. She was only going out with him for a month.

A friend she told told her mum who text me. So I've spoken to my daughter who admitted it. They were careful ( thank god). They broke up a week later.

I have been open and honest with my daughters about sex, consent, self respect and what have you.

I'm upset and angry about it, whether that's right or wrong. She's too young for all this. I'm a complete fucking idiot and trusted her when she said nothing like that was going on. Although I appreciate she's hardly going to tell me.

What do I do? It's happened and that's it. We've just had a big row and she's upset and mortified.

OP posts:

Passmethecrisps · 24/04/2016 20:33

Do you have any idea if there were external factors involved? Booze, peers?

If you are sure it was a consensual, sober act count your chickens, give her a hug and move on thankful that you know. How you move on from this together will shape how she moves on.

Bless you - I wouldn't want to be in your shoes as I know I would feel just like you are describing. You are doing fine as is she.

TealLove · 24/04/2016 20:36

Expat I think that's amazing actually and not a thing wrong with it. However I don't imagine your experience was the norm. I also inagine this 23 yo didn't expect a relationship from you either.
But the playing field isn't usually that even. I've spoken to loads of DSS friends about it. They are so open. They weren't invested in the girls pleasure, they made out they were going out but in reality they just wanted to loose their virginity then dump.
It happens a LOT and I will be warning DD.

Ticktacktock · 24/04/2016 20:42

Dh assures me that he was also a knob who would shag anything that moved back in the day. Boys haven't changed, neither have girls. The majority of girls want a boyfriend with emotional attachment and love. Boys want another notch on the bedpost.

Original poster

whatdoidowiththis · 24/04/2016 20:44

I have told my DD about being used, about boys pretending to like you etc, she's had all the lectures and chats from me. Anyway we've had another chat and I've apologised for shouting. Given her a cuddle and told her I loved her.

He was upset when she broke up with him. She said they were both embarrassed and things were 'weird' and he was being off but she says so was she. She wishes she hadn't had sex with him now. So to me it was both of them feeling awkward afterwards.

I can't do anything about it. Just a bit freaked out.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 24/04/2016 20:48

Thing is at 14, a month feels like a long time. Obviously from an adult perspective they barely know each other but she probably feels differently.

Bit of a tough way to learn but oh well :( I think you're doing fine OP.

Passmethecrisps · 24/04/2016 20:52

Sounds like a lesson learned all round and no real harm done at the end of the day.

You should be very proud of your dd, op. I know she didn't initially talk but she is now which is a huge thing.

Lanark2 · 24/04/2016 20:59

Hang on, she said he was 'funny' afterwards, so they broke up. I wouldn't be so sure about who was pushing who.

Its often awkward after sleeping with someone anyway, so WAY more so at that age, boys will feel awkward and revealed too!

leonardthelemming · 24/04/2016 21:13

Rest assured, I also think 99.9% of boys want to just have sex. No emotion involved at all.

I have two sons, and neither of them have ever treated girls like that. Neither did I, at their age. Are we really in a 0.1% minority?

There is certainly a lot of bravado amongst boys, and a desire to be seen - by other boys - as conforming to this stereotype, but I think there are a lot of boys out there who would actually prefer to be in a relationship. But these same boys probably don't have the confidence to talk to girls so the girls don't even consider them as potential boyfriends.

Atenco · 25/04/2016 00:05

I lost my virginity at 14. Not the end of the world as long as she practises safe sex.

specialsubject · 25/04/2016 11:47

lesson learned - some boys (and possibly some girls) really do lose interest once the deed is done.

in this nutty world, perhaps we should be grateful he isn't telling the school she is a slag and posting naked pictures of her on the internet.

so the other lesson is to learn how to protect herself against these things.

what's done is done. Learn and move on. Your point about self-respect is good.

JocastaFarquhar · 25/04/2016 11:53

I think so much emphasis is placed on the emotional aspects of sex for girls at that age range which I think perpetuates the feelings of regret, feeling dirty etc. Why do we not promote a more healthy less judgmental attitude? How about, sex can be really fun (though may feel awkward and hurt a bit the first time/few times). Make sure you take responsibility for contraception (both sides told this so no excuses either way) and don't say yes until you are 100% sure you are happy to do it. Oh, and don't do it in a public space as that's illegal?!

OneMagnumisneverenough · 25/04/2016 12:25

spot on leonard you are not alone.

If we are going to chuck stereotypes about, then we could use the one about girls always preferring the bad boys anyway?

I have two sons, I've tried to raise then to view girls and women as people just like them. They've not been in any kind of relationship yet but I'd view them as emotionally vulnerable as any young girl.

rogueantimatter · 25/04/2016 13:13

op - you must have been shocked.

Your DD hasn't done anything immoral. She made a poor choice as she regrets it now,so she needs to be supported and it sounds as if you are supporting her. I think it's good to acknowledge to her that sex and relationships tend to come with a lot of strong feelings that can be unpredictable, specially at her age when she is just beginning to discover who she is.

I read that 50% of girls in England and Wales have had sex by the time they are 16 ( a survey of a few years ago - sorry I don't have a link). So she is not that unusual. And she might not have another sexual relationship for years.

The percentage of teenagers who manage to get through their teenage years without having problems somewhere along the way whether it be hidden mental health problems, excessive drinking, drug-taking, failing at school, having under-age sex that they regret, addiction to the internet is probably quite small. You're doing fine and I'm sure your DD will be okay.

I know it's clichéd but IMO there's a lot to be said for supporting them in (constructive) time-taking hobbies (not that it stopped my high-achieving one from having under-age sex) and mixing with lots of different groups of young people. Easier said than done of course.

Finally - sorry for the long post - there's an excellent website aimed at 15-25YOs who are in or considering relationships called Scarleteen. It's managed by youngish adults - therefore very aware of what it's like to be a young person today and has lots of useful resources such as questionnaires entitled, 'Are you both ready for sex?' Q and A's about all sorts of things. It seems very responsible, sensible and non-judgmental I learned a lot from it (I don't work for them btw)

Mishaps · 25/04/2016 13:30

It's fine to be a crap Mum sometimes, as long as you give her a hug and tell her that you feel you did not react in a sensible way, but that you were concerned for her as you love her so much. It does her no harm to know that you can "go off on one" and then feel bad about it.

She just needs to know that behind it all is your love and concern for her well-being. Tell her how much you want to protect her and prevent her from being hurt.

The status of being a virgin is not a positive one for young teenagers - they are trying to keep up with their peers. It is important that she does not feel that something irretrievable has happened - I know that in one sense it has, as she has lost her virginity - but she is not irreparably damaged and she needs to know that life will go on and everyone will still continue to love her. She has learned a hard lesson about trust and how this can be betrayed - above all else she needs to feel secure with those she really can trust: her family. A bit of humour in the conversation might not come amiss! - hard I know but she needs to feel lighter in her heart.

Puppymouse · 25/04/2016 13:30

Big hugs OP. I can't imagine sleeping with your first boyfriend after a month and then breaking up a week later will have made her feel great so sure she feels worse than you. I'd be disappointed if DD did that but at the end of the day you can only raise them with love and give them the facts

Puppymouse · 25/04/2016 13:30

Mishaps · 25/04/2016 13:32

By the way, I speak as a mother who came home to find her DD throwing up the morning after pill! I asked her if it was worth it - and she said yes, she really enjoyed the sex! - heyho!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/04/2016 13:34

The comments about boys on this thread are awful!

Original poster

whatdoidowiththis · 25/04/2016 13:59

Thanks for the replies. We had a brew and another chat last night to clear the air. She admits she wasn't ready and wishes she hadn't slept with him as they were good friends before that and had a good time.

I have said pretty much what everyone else has said. It doesn't change who she is and she hasn't ruined her life. I'm just upset but I sorted my self out during the later chats.

I didn't intend this to be boys vs girls thread. She wasn't duped in to it and I'd be the first to berate him if he had. Just daft kids rushing to be more grown up.

A hideous learning experience for us both.

OP posts:

pollycazalet · 25/04/2016 14:54

I agree about the comments about boys on this thread. Not sure what a young girl does with the information that 'all lads are knobs'. Have very low expectations about how a boyfriend will treat her I expect and settle for all sorts of bad behaviour because 'boys can't help it'.

Glad things have settled down for you and your DD OP.

Mishaps · 25/04/2016 16:22

Well done - a lesson learned and time to move on. Sometimes learning can only take place by doing!

Lookingagain · 26/04/2016 00:01

I wouldn't tell my DDs that "all lads are knobs," but nor would I send them out into the world without them realising that not all men/boys' intentions are honourable. Best advice would be to take one's time and be picky.

Reading the broadsheets on Sunday, there is at least an article a month about the amount of porn that many boys are watching from a young age and how this is influencing the development of their sexuality. I sincerely hope it is more hysteria than a widespread reality. But, I think I need to discuss this with my DDs as they get older. I can't leave them utterly vulnerable.

OP, I feel for you and your DD. I'm sure she feels confused and regretful. She learned a lot about herself. Making mistakes is part of growing up. She's still the same person she was before. It sounds like they broke up because they felt embarrassed with each other afterwards, probably because they are a little Young.

It could be a lot worse. It sounds like it is something she chose to do with someone she cared about, using protection. That's a pretty good first experience as these things go. Certainly better than a drunken fumble at a party with a friend of a friend and no protection!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 26/04/2016 00:07

Utterly vulnerable to those porn addicted boys?

Good Lord

Jobseekernightmare · 26/04/2016 00:15

Its not just boys who are porn addicted you know.

Lookingagain · 26/04/2016 00:24

Boys do seem to be the focus of all the psychological studies. And make consumers do seem to be the focus of the porn industry.

Why should you be offended if I discuss the facts of life within the broader social context with my DDs?

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