What on Earth am I meant to do, I really need some help with DS :(

[thatcoldfeeling]

A few weeks ago DS (14) kicked a hole in the plasterboard wall of our house. He is having to sell some of his possessions to pay for the repairs.

Just now I came back from the local shop to find DD sobbing because he wouldn't get out of her room (trying to show her a magic trick of all bizarre things though, but she saw it once then was not interested!). So he punched her in the face. I have confiscated his Playstation controller for one week or until he respects people's boundaries.

He is accusing me of theft eg 'why do you have the right to take my controller just because you are an adult?', why is it not okay for me to go into my sister's room but you went in my room to take the controller?'.

He is now crashing about upstairs and threatening to put another hole in the wall.

He has become completely moody in recent months, rarely talks to me, all day in his room, not many friends, no out of school activities. I am a single parent and have no idea what to do anymore :( A few weeks ago I had a chat with the pastoral tutor at school as he was so reluctant to go to school (hence the hole in the plasterboard). Apparently there had been issues with his girlfriend - he had not even told me he had a girlfriend. How did my relationship with my adorable boy go so wrong? :(

The police in many areas have youth liaison officers who are very good at talking to and getting through to teens especially boys struggling to control anger. I also agree with exercise but particularly something that helps get rid of aggression, running, hitting a punchbag or something that teaches mind and body control like martial arts. Some police forces and councils run courses for teens which are a mix of group and individual therapy and physical exercises.

House rules discussed with both dc would be good eg no entering another persons room without permission and leave as soon as they say.

For the time being I wouldn't be leaving them alone together.

Low mood can also increase aggression (female depression tends to be 'weepy' or inward, male aggressive or externalised) so yes a check on if he's depressed or even just of his vitmains etc are OK - a simple blood test.

I do think losing his game for a week is fairly light punishment though. I'd have done it for a month. But you're right to put him on notice that he should be on best behaviour right now.

Cahms is not just for serious and long standing mental illness....schools can refer for help for all sorts of issues.

OP - some of the early responses to your post are frankly unbelievable. There is no way your first response should be to get him arrested or make him homeless.

What strikes me is that your description of your son's behaviour does not appear to be within the usual range of teenage behaviour. It sounds like your son has a problem which needs addressing. That is no criticism of you as a parent, it is just a fact of life: some people have mental health/personality disorder issues. When that happens, the issue needs addressing, which means getting help through the appropriate medical channels - a doctor's referral to CAMHS.

I hope things work out for you and him. Parenting a teenager can be very hard, and it is important to seek help when the problems are beyond your ability to deal with. No shame in that. FWIW, my DD was sectioned (for a very different problem), but she is in a much better state now. I wish you all the best - you have my sympathies.

Thanks all.

I now have his phone as well as his response to looking for an out of school activity was to sit and tell me how I have issues, generally insult me etc. Getting his phone was interesting, his recent messages (yes I felt justified to read) were a little surprising. He went into a major strop but the phone is now just gone until various conditions have been met.

Oh, and DD is just fine, we had a really good day out yesterday, her choice was to just see if DS wanted to come too, but as per usual he didn't so it was just us.

Thanks so much for the supportive/helpful replies. Will be following up on some suggestions.

Hope you're feeling better today.

Nothing to suggest as my one and only daughter is only 3. But you sound like you're doing all you can to help your boy and your girl :) X

CAHMS exists in all areas. In all areas it is over stretched.
But what it covers, and which referrals fall under its remit vary a lot. In all areas it should deal with attempted suicide. But in some areas it also diagnoses ASD, gives anger managements and family therapy etc.
In some places it pretty good (I'm very lucky), in others I've heard lots of complaints.
But if they are good and will accept a referral then they can help.

Op, what response were you expecting about the after school activity? He has assaulted your dd this weekend and basically got let off. Then he was offered to come out of a family day out. That's why he is insulting you because he has zero respect for you. He should have been grovelling all weekend over the disgusting behavour to your dd. Did you ask your dd if your dd could come or was it something of her own back?

He needs firm boundries as how else is he going to be able to keep his attitude and behaviour in check?

Cigarette, read my post ref asking dd if he cld come. It was her call. And fwiw he is grovelling but he doesn't know how to do it productively.

Also - no he hasn't been let off. His most treasured possession has gone for at least a week, but will not be returned until there is a serious change in attitude & behaviour.

Her call or her idea? Two totally different things.

Grovelling and insulting you at the same time? then refusing to come on a family day out offered(?) by his sister after he had smacked her in the face. That's him being very ungreatful or not even trying to make amends.

I was a single parent for 15 years and it's very hard sometimes not to just just rollover to keep the peace and stay friends with every body, but you really need to look at the actual dynamics of the house hold and what is and what isn't normal, acceptable behaviour. If he had marked your dd face and school asked about it this could start going down a very different path.

Hi op, I feel your pain that your lovely little boy has become a teen and turned into a sod. I too had this problem. My ds is 15 now and after the initial shock of him changing suddenly and being a little shit he's actually quite nice again. He has his moments but I'm trying to say it gets better.
You are doing a wonderful job. Ignore the trolls on here that over emphasised certain issues.
I was shocked to see what some people had written. Siblings do fight it's pretty normal in my book, it's not nice but it also doesn't mean they have mental issues.
Keep doing what you're doing.

op

My eldest is only 5 (got one hell of a temper though) so I don't really know much about teenagers.

Just felt I had to post as I was a bit shocked by some of the replies you've had. It does sound like you are dealing with his temper and violence. Best of luck.

I think it's awful that posters who are pointing out how serious him punching his sister is are being called trolls. Why? Must they be fake because they have a different view point?
I don't believe this is normal sibling fighting. My brother was only a year older than me and would punch me on the arm or leg on a regular basis. This was not us arguing. I stood no chance against his bullying. I'd be punched so he could get his own way or because he felt like it. My parents thought if was normal too. I left home at 18 and have no contact with him since and I'm in my 40s. He still bullies my mother but she accepts it.
That said I also have a son and wouldn't chuck him out or call police bases on what the op says. I don't know what the answer is but I think there is some truth in this being more than simple sibling fighting.
Sorry op I have no advice apart from there's probably not a lot you can do and you have to hope he comes out the other side ok. When ds was a teenager I read a good book which explains how teenagers think differently and about brain development. I'm sure it said your influence is only effective for first few years and you have received to hope that what you instill in those early years eventually comes back.

No I don't think they are trolls per se either, though cigarette's last post is nit-picky in the same style as DS's logic!

And there seems to be lots of people immediately assuming this situation mirrors something that has happened in their own life with very little info.

Following a very rocky start in which stress levels were seriously tested (I wont bother w detail as I'm sure some will only critique me but basically there were issues w ds being made to spend the day w us)we are now having a MUCH better day. DS's attitude towards me is much improved and both are getting on with each other in a normal relaxed way as they shld be.

Glad you are having a better day.

Thanks.

Having read through all recent FB messenger messages on his phone, I have just ended up having a chat with a social worker acquaintance about it all. She was very reassuring.

Main points taken being - this (both what I have posted about here and what came to light through reading his messenger) are not unusual, to liaise with school, and that I do have the right to take charge of the situation (which I do need to repeat to myself because that is what DS will always try to undermine!).

thatcoldfeeling sometimes having another "adult" involved can give your decisions extra authority. My DDs counsellor often provides this, she may not saying things I wouldn't, but Dd will take it from her more than from me. And she will listen to me more if her counsellor tells her to.

I guess some people find violence really shocking, and others accept a few kicks/punches between siblings as a normal thing.

To me the punch in the face of the DD is shocking, same as I would be shocked if my DS (13) punched his 11 year old brother in the face. Arguing is normal, but to make it physical is just something I would find really disturbing.

But saying that, I know that in other families it is more normal for sibs to be physical.

So your viewpoint on this (the posters who say: "call the police" vs the Op and others who say: "this happens every now and then in a family, it's not great but it happens" are approaching this from a different viewpoint.

It doesn't mean anyone tries to make you feel like shit. The punch thing jumped out at me too, from the OP.

Violence is shocking!

BUT there are no simple answers as much as some people would like there to be. Here there are two children under 18, both are the OP's responsibility.
Yes both probably would benefit from outside counselling. The DD should be encouraged to seek this out at school if possible. Her feelings etc. need to be acknowledged.
But her brother to be behaving in this way is expressing something that he can't verbalise. It could also be the result of things he has experienced/witnessed in the past and/or undiagnosed SN.

Are the people who are all crying for the OP to call the police, chuck him out of the house or whatever - are you parents of teenage children? Yes you may have past experience of in family bullying, but do you have a clue about being the parent of a teen like this?

And do not just say let the "authorities" deal with him. Because that shows just how little you know about the realities of the situation, and how little SS will be willing to be involved, or have the resources to deal with. And that is without the dodgey placements they sometimes make.

sometimes all paths are bitter

Undiagnosed SEN is a possibility actually. He has some very similar traits to others I have known who are dx'd ASD. I did once get a referral but the whole system was shit. They didn't want to go through any kind of diagnostic procedure, just offer me 'help with my DS'. At the time he was about 9, and I didn't need any help. I explained how I just thought a dx would be helpful for him to identify why he may see things a certain way, and for those around him to better understand his behaviour (which at the time was just stuff like, lots of long conversations on a relatively boring topic with no recognition of social cues when other person is not engaged, and this is probably what was happening with this incident and DD not wanting to see the magic trick). However I was told they could not help!

But anyway, this morning the school have very quickly followed up and will be getting the ball rolling for counselling today.

Ref Mummytime and 'all paths are bitter' - you are so right! I have a friend who works for the police. I totally get the whole desire to just get the police to deal with violence, but there are massive negative risks to this when you do it in terms of what you are saying to that child about who they are, how they are or are not valued etc. Obviously this is to be weighed against what you are similarly saying to a victim in NOT doing this - but I have taken steps to ensure she feels secure and in control over the last few days and am confident in that.

OP I think you are really wise to consider this - the effect involving the police etc. Your DS needs your love, acceptance and understanding even when he 'messes up'. You are both supporting him, and protecting your DD by the way you are handling the situation.

Punching holes in walls and hurting his little sister may mean that he is feeling is overwhelmed, and he is struggling to find a way to express himself appropriately. With strong feelings and testosterone rushes and the stress of 'growing up' it can at times become overwhelming. To kick a child out or to hand him over to the police when they are already struggling, would be madness.

You are doing the right thing.

And yes, sometimes all paths are bitter, but with love and commitment, you have the very best chance of succeeding

Thanks Alvah, and from what I have seen from reading his messages he is overwhelmed with things at the moment, this girl I knew he was in a sort-of-relationship with having been using him as the outlet for all her issues, and she seems very depressed. Being a teenager is just so hard!

I don't know what the pastoral tutor said to him today but he came back from school today like a different child. Happy, chatting, even went out on his skateboard. He mentioned seeing the pastoral tutor but I didn't want to push on what was agreed w counselling, I'm sure she will let me know anyway!

That's really nice to hear that he was feeling happier today. Bless him, he maybe feels better having spoken about things. I know the support team at my DS's school are very nice and know how to make them feel at ease.

I also think it can be very tough for teenagers these days and that easing that pressure is sometimes what is needed, rather than the old school, hard punitive approach.

I wish you and your DC all the best, it can be a tough road at times, but you are not alone.

You poor thing. Hope you're feeling okay OP.
Just wanted to add that maybe this frustration/issues he has could be as a reaction to witnessing DV? I'm sure counselling will make a world of difference.

Thanks.

Still much better, such a relief. He has decided on a club to do out of school too. Phone still in my possession for a while yet. I think detaching him from that was a very good idea as he was getting a constant stream of depression and mind games from the gf! I let the school know abt that too as she also clearly needs some help.

Ref witnessing DV, it was years ago now, but yes, there are certain incidents he may well remember which if not the cause of this behaviour, certainly don't help with the message that some things are unacceptable.