What on Earth am I meant to do, I really need some help with DS :(

[thatcoldfeeling]

A few weeks ago DS (14) kicked a hole in the plasterboard wall of our house. He is having to sell some of his possessions to pay for the repairs.

Just now I came back from the local shop to find DD sobbing because he wouldn't get out of her room (trying to show her a magic trick of all bizarre things though, but she saw it once then was not interested!). So he punched her in the face. I have confiscated his Playstation controller for one week or until he respects people's boundaries.

He is accusing me of theft eg 'why do you have the right to take my controller just because you are an adult?', why is it not okay for me to go into my sister's room but you went in my room to take the controller?'.

He is now crashing about upstairs and threatening to put another hole in the wall.

He has become completely moody in recent months, rarely talks to me, all day in his room, not many friends, no out of school activities. I am a single parent and have no idea what to do anymore :( A few weeks ago I had a chat with the pastoral tutor at school as he was so reluctant to go to school (hence the hole in the plasterboard). Apparently there had been issues with his girlfriend - he had not even told me he had a girlfriend. How did my relationship with my adorable boy go so wrong? :(

It might be worth talking to your DS about what will happen if he does this to a stranger. Or is he able to control his rage when he's with strangers?

I hope your DD is ok, and that your DS gets some help before his violence becomes a real problem.

Poor dd, hope she calls the police herself :(

My mum would respond in this way; more worried about the boy than the girl who was attacked. Sad. Your dd will never forget or forgive you for letting him get away with punching her.

Yesterday 20:48 ssd

cigarette, you say if this was your son no way would he be sleeping under your roof tonight

so where is he meant to go?

Family members, police cell... Take your pic. I've lived with DV in my home when I was younger. No way would I allow my kids to go through that. He is 14, he knows what he is doing.

Pick*

Fucking hell! I came on here to ask for advice, not have a load of assumptions made about my family! I was actually asking for advice on how to deal with his reactions to the punishment (eg if you do X why can't I do Y).

Well congrats to those who set out to make me feel like a shit parent, really, well done, you have succeeded.

WRT DD - we had sat and chatted for half an hour about this (so to the person who assumed I was all concerned for DS and not DD, please, fuck off, I just wasn't asking for advice on this thread about DD because I don't need any). We are very close and we discussed that the police would not be an unreasonable thing to do among many other things, like the fact that this is NEVER something you accept - it is abnormal behaviour that must never be tolerated or normalised.

For those who suggested more practical tips for dealing with DS - thank you. I am actually very relieved to see that people think I have not been too harsh, because the point that he rolls out is that I am always on DD's side, and that teenage classic of 'nobody else's mum would do this'. Before I went to bed last night he was made to apologise properly to DD. I have not taken his phone but his continued possession of the phone is now dependent upon a whole host of things designed to deal with both the behaviour and the cause - obvious stuff that I should not have to spell out to him but obviously do, like listening to what others say and reacting calmly, no violence whatsoever in anyway (pointed out way too old to fall into sibling bickering now, this is assault and will be treated as such by the police, explained what they would do) treating others with respect, and not arguing back, and also that he needs to engage with school counselling, and that he has two weeks to join and attend at least one out of school club. I am also considering making him come out with DD and I for the day today rather than his continued acting like he is not part of this family but will ask DD what she thinks about this.

Op i dont think people were trying to make you feel like a shit mum.

To be fair, your first few posts glossed over your DD being punched in the face. You must appreciate that to the majority of us that is really quite shocking to read.

Talking about a playstation controller did seem like minimising, to be honest.

Regardless its clear you are trying to be the best mum you can be in a difficult situation. I hope your plan improves things for all 3 of you.

Taking the controller away is not a serious enough consequence. Slamming doors, answering back, not doing homework = no controller/internet usage/phone usage ect..

He physically attacked his younger sibling. If it was a stranger in the street you would have phoned the police, you are teaching your son that his shocking behavour will always be contained and minimised. Let's hope he doesn't grow up to think it's ok to knock seven bells out of his wife.

What if he had broken her nose, knocked a tooth out, blacked her eye? Teenagers don't just start kicking holes through walls, doors or start punching their younger siblings in the face because she sound give him attention. This has obviously been on the rise for a while as you mentioned you have already asked for help.

Op I'm not skating you as a bad mother but sometimes when things get bad you can't see the wood for the trees and because you get so used to certain behavour you start to accept it more easily.

I'm talking as some one who has a family member who's dd terrorised her family from 13 onwards. It really isn't fair on the other children in the house.

*slating

You are clearly not a shit mum. It is evident that you care passionately about your DC - the is no right or wrong, they don't come with a manual. Hug both your DC and remind them often that you love them unconditionally.

Oh and ..... This too will pass!

Take computer games away altogether. Sell the play station. Work on the relationship with your son. He has zero respect for you or his sister. At 14 it's time to act now. This is your wake up call. As a single mum you need to be tough, no arguing with him, no explaining your reasons just lots of time together talking and listening. He needs to realise how serious you see it, wrecking your home and punching his sister. You must take control back

The playstation may well end up sold very soon anyway, he is having to sell games to pay for the damage to the wall to be repaired but if that doesn't cover the cost the console will also be sold. I can't change the punishment now because it is surely completely unfair and inconsistent to suddenly 'add' a punishment the next day, but he is well aware that his phone ownership is now dependent on many conditions.

I can see how my posts could seem like they were glassing over the fact my DD had been hit, but that is because I was focusing on dealing with his behaviour (the bit that I am struggling with) not because I am minimising what had happened (the bit I am not struggling with!).

Not mentioned before because I can't bear people smugly telling me this is history repeating, but we have ample experience of DV - I am well aware of the consequences and severity.

Btw just to clarify - no controller essentially means no console, it is just easier than taking it all away and I can easily hide the controller, but he can't play on it at all without.

also i try to minimize the conversation which can often escalate to arguing when my ds is being difficult.its almost like refusing to engage which for my ds does pull him up short - he has no one to rally against.i appreciate it isn't easy and totally goes against the grain for me but it does seem to help.

ugh to the unsupportive posters - no need

Please do go to see your GP and get him a referral. If school eventually get their act together they will probably refer your son to CAMHS, however you often get seen faster if the referral comes from the GP (fastest if it comes from SS).

You need to make some rules when everyone is calm. Such as people do not go into other people's rooms when told not to (you will need exceptions to this for dangerous situations etc but work this out with both your children).

There are always people here who say "take away all technology" however this can be counterproductive, as sometimes the technology is the only coping strategy troubled teens have.
Try as a family to get more exercise, eat healthier, and have some fun (which doesn't have to be expensive).

If you feel your GP already sees your family as a mess, that could be a reason why you need "family therapy" to sort out all the issues. To be honest they are almost certainly all linked - teenagers brains do not process stress etc. very well and it can come out as bad behaviour.

Of course if he punches his sister again, make it clear that she or you may well phone the police.

Thanks Mummytime - very helpful post.

I have just emailed the school actually - he is not having counselling through school not because they haven't offered but because of him saying it is not necessary, so I have just told them what is happening and that it is necessary.

Great idea re counselling through school op.
I do hope my second post wasn't one that upset you.

Armful - no don't worry, what I particularly resented were the suggestions that I was seemingly prioritising the perpetrator over the victim when that could not be further from the truth.

That said, she certainly doesn't walk on eggshells, and it isn't bravado either, it is just who she is, she is good at dealing with things. That isn't me thinking she can particularly cope with something like this though, or that I am not ensuring she is okay and that I make sure she feels secure, just that I know the way she works and that it won't get her down.

Single parent here too and my older one had some real anger issues for a while - they're both girls though which probably does make a difference.

I found this book very helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/1853408573/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1460193902&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+teens+will+listen+and+listen+so+teens+will+talk

Key points that did work in the end - explain consequence in short and simple terms, be prepared to repeat once and no more, don't argue - you will age fast arguing with a teenager!

Good luck

Thanks Armful.
Alonglong, thanks for the book suggestion - I have just ordered it. I actually had the kids version when they were younger and I remember it was useful if only for providing a sense that you have a strategy and are in control, which I think I do need now!

OP, I have just quickly read through this and my jaw dropped at some of the responses you have received - absolutely shockingly unhelpful advice and a whole load of assumptions being made about the situation

Of course you should not have your child arrested or throw him out - he may be going through a difficult time and is struggling to manage his anger. 14 was the hardest age for my DS.
He sounds a bit similar to yours, but
has calmed down considerably now. What helped was not fighting him, but being on his side. He has always been a challenge but it all came to a head last year. I have now a very considerate and friendly teen.

I would do as adviced above speak to school, GP and read books on teens. It all helps in it's own way, even I it's just support to get you through.

Good luck with your DS. You are doing great

Sorry you are having these problems OP.
I see several people on here have suggested referral to CAMHS. Well, you could do that and they might see you and him, but don't be surprised if they do not accept the referral.
CAMHS is a service for serious and long standing mental illness. Behviour and anger problems generally do not come in to that category (unless they are part of a mental illness, if that was the case with your DS you would likely be seeing other concerning signs as well), and CAMHS is not commissioned to work with behaviour or anger problems generally.
I would suggest looking in to accessing Family Support - if you ring your local children's centre they should be able to tell you how you can do this. Family support can offer skilled practitioners who can meet with you and DS in the home and look in to ways of him managing his behaviour better and supporting you in managing it.

Also, often schools can offer anger management, it might be worth speaking to your DS's school about it.