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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone else's teen spend ALL their time gaming?

72 replies

Trulygrumptious · 27/03/2016 10:58

DS (14) spends all his spare time at home plugged in to his xbox.
During term time he plays sport 3/4 times a week and gets all his homework done on time.
However in the holidays when he has no reason/need to do other things he will spend whole days gaming.
Is everyone else's teen doing this too? My attempts to tempt him out of his room are increasingly unsuccessful!

OP posts:
Nashelle · 29/03/2016 19:54

My youngest son gamed constantly. Thinking back I wish I'd been firmer and switch the internet off at a certain time or gave him consequences but DH would say 'he's on the last level' or 'if you switch it off now he'll lose everything' but DS was fooling us. By the age of 18 he wanted to be a professional gamer and he's was addicted, aggressive and depressed. I took him to a councellor and me and DH dragged him to college and managed to enrol him on a course. I'm not saying this to frighten you but just be aware of the signs of gaming addiction. Six months after he started college DS has given up his serious gaming and hasreturned to the boy he was before the addiction, so there is hope.

Original poster
Trulygrumptious · 29/03/2016 20:38

There are both sides of the story then Gray and Nashelle. I'll certainly look out for aggression. I know I spent lots of time in my room at that age but as computers had only just been invented, I was at least being a bit creative.

I just wonder if they will look back and regret it or if these will be the golden years of their teens. DS is always online with others so is having fun (judging by the shrieks of laughter coming from his room).

Thebooks I do turn the internet off periodically and arrange trips out but unfortunately going out with Mum is not his idea of fun.....

OP posts:
lljkk · 30/03/2016 12:49

Can I ask why no-one just turns the gadgets off/confiscated them for periods of each day?

We did limit access, plus not let a computer in his bedroom, until DS1 was 14yo. And we still turn off the WiFi. And insist on DS1 spending time with us for evening meal (most evenings). But... I had to start letting go one day. Was I supposed to exert tight control forever?

Younger ones are required to get outside for decent chunks most days, and then deal is we don't tightly monitor screen time although WiFi and bedroom lights off at specific times.

Teens get extremely attached to their gadgets so expect a firestorm of protest about taking gadgets off unless (maybe) you have always exerted tight control with no exceptions. Else, once you loosen up, then you have to let them make some of their own mistakes. How can they learn some self-discipline if they don't practise at it.

We turn blind eye to DD's phone habit as long as she gets up in morning & tries at school. She knows that's the deal.

Cleebope · 30/03/2016 13:38

Yes agree with lljkk. Dads has never been cheeky or aggressive so we are soft with him. Dh is softer than me. I would try to exert more control but this causes conflict about parenting between me and Dh and surely that is not worth it. Dh hates tension in the house or me shouting at people. Turning off wifi not possible as we all use it constantly all day long. Turning off gadgets sounds simple in theory but if it was easy in practice I would have done it. Instead I just threaten to do it. Maybe it's weak parenting but once their school brought in iPad learning I just gave up as they say they need to be on iPads to do homework. I can't fight against technology all the time. I just get called backward and old fashioned. I've given up.It's how they live now.

Lucsy · 30/03/2016 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplebluebird · 30/03/2016 13:46

I was (and still am) into gaming.. I played for hours and hours from I was about 16 onward. I did well at college, and well at uni. Moved out of home at 18, had a boyfriend and tons of friends, now I have a little boy I'm at home with and a great partner (Met him in an online game). I don't think it's necessary to worry about it too much. I know lots of people who game every day, and still lead perfectly happy, healthy and successful lives :)

Original poster
Trulygrumptious · 30/03/2016 18:28

lljkk I think you're right that they have to learn to self regulate at some point. It also causes friction here if I go stomping in removing stuff for what DS sees as no good reason.
Today we discussed the health risks of 10 hours straight sitting in a chair so I hope he's now googling DVTs.
Interesting what PP say about not letting the second child have as much leeway. I am already limiting DS2 much more than I was DS1 at that age. Starting as I mean to go on will hopefully help!
I am reassured by this thread though and the fact that it seems to be quite a common theme for us all. Hopefully they'll be out chasing girls soon so it will sort itself Wink

OP posts:
Travelledtheworld · 30/03/2016 20:03

Hormonalheap no bribery involved.

He had set himself a deadline of February to start revising and he found
a computer programme that helped him cut down the hours online gaming, bit by bit.
He has always been very diligent at school. Aiming for as many A*s as possible.
He is a clever lad and at a good Grammar school and is talking about Cambridge.
But his main motivation seems to be to get better marks than one of his friends who is also academically ambitious.
Grin

HormonalHeap · 31/03/2016 14:04

Travelled I'm showing my ignorance of the gaming world here but what sort of computer programme helped him cut down his hours gaming? Sorry for all the questions!

Travelledtheworld · 31/03/2016 21:45

Hormonal he used a programme called Cold Turkeywhich blocked the game he was playing.
He used to spend hours with his schoolfriends playing an online game which involved building armies and invading the world..

Unfortunately he has spent most of today lying in a hammock alternating between reading his Physics revision guide and watching God knows what on his iPod.
[confused)

gamerchick · 31/03/2016 21:50

I don't see the problem. When I'm on annual leave I would spend all my time gaming if I didn't have to be a grown up. Everyone is allowed some down time and it's not as if he's plugged in every chance he gets the rest of the time.

grumpysquash3 · 31/03/2016 22:19

My DS (nearly 15) does virtually nothing other than gaming. No sports, no cooking, going out for a walk would be a joke. I can just about get him to eat and shower.

It is a worry (for me), but I think I just have to accept it.

He is very likely to do maths and computing A levels, with an eye to a career in computing. I try to persuade myself that it is all OK, but I do have doubts.

grumpysquash3 · 31/03/2016 22:21

Oh, and in response to the bedtime question, mine would stay up all night. He has recently got into some game with a (RL) friend who used to go to international school in Panama and they play stuff with the Panama guys. Due to the time difference, DS will still be gaming at 1 or 2am, it would be much much later if I didn't make him get off the computer :(

HormonalHeap · 31/03/2016 22:48

Thanks Travelled, I can't see mine voluntarily blocking himself. Grumpy at least he has a real life friend! Is he working at school?

grumpysquash3 · 31/03/2016 23:58

Hormonal
He does the least amount that is OK at school. Which isn't very much, but which at least stops him getting into trouble/detention/on report etc. He is quite good at his chosen subjects, so I think he is getting away with it massively for now, but it won't be the same at A level.
He as a few (small number) of RL friends, but we are quite rural, so don't live all that close. On the rare occasion that they come round, they usually bring a laptop/tablet and do exactly the same as they would in their separate houses :(

grumpysquash3 · 31/03/2016 23:59

Nashelle
What did your son do after he'd finished with the gaming? (College etc.?)

Meeep · 01/04/2016 00:14

I would love to have a week off where I could just play computer games.
Ooh I wonder if they offer retreats like that?

HormonalHeap · 01/04/2016 12:11

Thanks Grumpy I don't think they realise the leap to Alevels. Mine hasn't had a social life since primary school. I'd love to say well that's just boys, but my dd 18 has loadstone of boys in her crowd that have normal social lives. Sure they like the odd game but there's more going on in their livesSad

imwithspud · 01/04/2016 12:36

I used to be similar, ive always had an eye for video games and would spend any free time after schoolwork gaming, that has continued into adulthood. Now I'm limited to the evenings when the children are in bed, but if I get any extra spare time then chances are I'd spend it gaming. I don't see that as a bad thing.

I'd say if you ds is getting school work done and is achieving well then try not to worry.

imwithspud · 01/04/2016 12:38

That said I also maintained some sort of social life, it wasn't bustling but it was okay. That's not always everyone's thing though.

GummyBunting · 01/04/2016 12:46

At that age I would have read in my room for 72 hours straight if someone had let me. Not sure it's any different, although it's a lot more sociable and challenging.

FretYeNot · 01/04/2016 12:48

I've got three kids at home all plugged into devices. The 12 year old is playing the xbox online with her friends, the 14 year old is upstairs vlogging and skyping her best mate for hours of Anime Roleplay Chat and the 20 year old is gaming on his laptop. But, me and the youngest are on devices in the same room, so we're sharing information and chat. If I sit in the kitchen, my son will often bring his laptop in and we'll both be online/gaming but holding a conversation.

We live in an area that's not great. There's a huge problem with teens around here roaming round, vandalising things and harassing residents. There's very few things for kids to do round here. When my eldest was a teen, she got in with a bad crowd, my other kids haven't. Online they have great social lives, pursuing things that interest them. Offline they are very articulate, social creatures with good school results. The girls walk to school and back, so they're getting an hour or so exercise a day.

Gaming gets a bad rap, it's a good arena for learning. Physically you get the fine motor skills, typing practice, hand eye co-ordination. You learn to react fast to situations, organisational skills, strategy games make you think and plan. Minecraft for creativity. Gaming isn't a solitary thing any more, so you still get experience of working within a group and handling other people, different skills online but as the world is online, that's not irrelevant. It's a great leveller too, now my 12 year old can play on a level playing field with her 20 year old brother, or have an in depth discussion with her granddad about gaming (he's been gaming for twenty-five years).

So yeah, we're a family of gamers but I'm not worried.

NotJanine · 01/04/2016 12:52

yes, another one here.

Gaming and skyping most of his free time. It's not ideal, but there are far worse things he could be doing!

GummyBunting · 01/04/2016 12:53

Here's an alternative view, and maybe a glimmer of hope.

I work in the videogame industry, and work with some incredibly intelligent, creative, and very rich people. People who spent their childhoods locked in their rooms obsessed with videogames. They have turned that passion into lucrative careers (some VERY lucrative- I've been to their mansions!) and they are happy.

If you have a child with a passion for games and the potential to take it further, support them. It could pay off!

Travelledtheworld · 01/04/2016 16:06

I heard a thing on the radio a while back. An expert in the subject said " it's not what they are doing online that's a worry, it's what they are NOT doing while they are online."
So if that includes NOT eating properly, sleeping, washing, exercising, studying, developing social skills and learning to cope with the real world, then I Think it is a problem.

Yes some of them will move on to work in IT industry, and some will go to GCHQ and be code breakers. But most of them won't !