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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS refusing to work for his A Levels

72 replies

CostaRicanBananas · 19/03/2016 11:29

DS is in year 12 and has just got back his trial exam results. The only one where he did well was the one where his natural ability carried him through. He's only doing three subjects and anything that requires him to work for it (and this applies to everything at the moment, even rugby which he used to love) just does not happen. I set up a revision schedule, went through as much as I could with him at home and tested his knowledge as much as possible. My two key worries: his lack of appreciation for effort vs reward (put work in, get the results at the other end) and that he's refusing to take ownership for his school work. We have tried it all: setting short-term targets, grounding him, confiscating his mobile phone (so that he's not distracted throughout the day and up all night).

Otherwise, there's no drugs or drinking and he's very respectful of us and house rules. Also, he's very motivated when it comes to his part-time job and is doing exceedingly well. We believe that it's the tangible result (i.e. a pretty good pay at the end of each month) that motivates him, and also the praise from his managers - basically, immediate gratification as opposed to school where is a much longer (in teenage terms anyway) reward. Or this is our interpretation of it anyway.

I have considered whether to just take him out of school and let him go to work full-time, although this is not something that he has ever suggested himself. However, I can't see the point of him staying at his wonderful grammar school for another year just for the sake of his social life, seeing that he's not going to achieve grades good enough to help him secure a place at the universities that he wishes to attend (or that he says he wants to attend! I am no longer sure whether this is just talk to keep mum happy rather than genuine aspirations!).

One interesting point was that with his driving licence, I nagged him for months to apply for the provisional licence. He couldn't motivate himself to do it so I eventually did it for him for his birthday. What I got from this, which I have saw happen with his rugby, was that he really wants to get his licence (and is now very enthusiastic about his lessons, which is mostly paying for with his own money) but he couldn't find the motivation to actually get the ball rolling!!

I have no idea what to do...any thoughts? flowers]

OP posts:

havenlady · 24/04/2016 20:08

In the end, they have to work it out for themselves, and some kids take much longer to do this. DS1 wasn't that academic and has gone through AS levels, then re-did Year 12 on a BTEC course, then left that and started an apprenticeship, then suddenly left to start a job, which has good training and seems to suit him.. Now is happily working, renting a house with friends, paying his own way. I've had many sleepless nights, but nothing really worked until he found his own motivation. DD currently not working hard enough to make her very high Uni offer, and has some other issues to deal with, so just waiting for the fall out from that one in the summer. But at 18 I agree there is very little you can do as a parent, and they certainly shouldn't be going to uni without being able to organise and motivate themselves to study, so getting the necessary grades only via paying for revision courses etc is probably asking for trouble next year.

ThatGingerOne · 21/07/2016 18:26

The worst thing you can do is give money/bribes or simply do the work for him.

I'm 20 and at university at the moment, the only one of my 4 siblings who has done so simply because I worked hard. I can tell you now, if he isn't motivated to do the work now, he will not be motivated to do it in university. The only difference is that if you do the work for him now its not as big of a deal, however when he gets to uni and doesn't do the work there, there are no excuses. You are just kicked out of uni, whether its for not doing the work or not turning up to classes [that's right, you have to turn up, there's a register and everything.] However for this you'll still have to pay the £9000 you will owe the uni even if you don't complete the year.

Do what my mother did, if we were in full time education and under 18 we didn't have to pay rent. If we were working and not in education [i.e weren't in college or weren't going to uni] weekly rent had to be paid. Hell I still pay my mum rent when I go home for the holidays even though I'm in uni just out of respect because I know she wouldn't be able to afford to keep me.

Either way, he shouldn't be rewarded just for doing what he has to do. He'll soon sort himself out when he realises all his friends are moving on, either going to uni or other things while he is stuck behind. Maybe he wants to just work full time and there's nothing wrong with that either.

Sorry if this sounded a bit like a rant but I just think its a bit ridiculous that kids need to be given something every time they do something, I never got that, my mum taught me I didn't get anything I wanted without hard work, but maybe that's a norther, lower class family sort of thing

ThatGingerOne · 21/07/2016 18:26

The worst thing you can do is give money/bribes or simply do the work for him.

Original poster

CostaRicanBananas · 02/01/2017 12:03

So we are back to square one... We decided to give DS a term to show that he had learned from his shambolic AS results, and that he was determined to work hard. He's forked out over £100 to re-sit his AS, but there's pretty much no evidence that he's on track to improve his previous grades AND to get good A level grades. His order grades, which is what we've used as indicators are A and C in Maths, B and C in French and B and C in Politics - so to lift those Cs in order to stand a chance of getting the A & 2Bs, plus the revision for the re-takes is just not going to happen. He's doing ok where he's naturally good and the Cs are the parts that actually require him to work for it - therefore, still the same mindset...
Anyway, we've decided that it's no use letting him go to school to socialise for another 6 months. He turns 18 in a couple of weeks, so it's full time work whilst trying to secure a relevant apprenticeship... He wants to go into law, and he's secured a work experience week with a local law firm but not until February. Thoughts?

OP posts:

reallybadidea · 02/01/2017 20:48

Sorry, I think leaving school before taking his A levels is a terrible idea. He's only got another 6 months and although he's unlikely to get the grades he wants and/or needs, it sounds as though he is at least going to get reasonably ok grades which is more than many will get! At least he will have something to show for it.

Plus, to be brutal, it sounds as though it might help for him to actually see the results of his lack of motivation and hard work. If he leaves now he can kid himself that he would have got the grades if you'd only allowed him to stay on and take the exams.

If I were you I would try and stand back completely now, for your own sanity and just let him do as much or as little as he likes. There's still time after his exams to take on more hours. He will grow up eventually.

musicposy · 02/01/2017 20:50

I'm probably missing something but those grades don't sound bad to me. Surely those grades are better than no A levels at all? Couldn't he do them then go on to work experience or an apprenticeship? I just think it might look better than giving up.

timeforabrewnow · 03/01/2017 08:29

If my DS was on target to get B and C for A levels I'd be bloody delighted.

User006point5 · 03/01/2017 10:51

I have a DS the same age, and I think your son actually sounds fairly typical. There are some who work hard, but by and large many are quite immature. I asked my DS how much revision he thought was acceptable in the few days before his mock A-levels, which start this week. He said maybe 4-5 hours a day, which was somewhat lower than I expected - and he hadn't been doing that anyway. I said, but if you had a job, it'd be a minimum of 7 hours work!

My DS also seems to forget he's meant to be revising, until I mention it! He's predicted good grades, but he won't make them if he doesn't work hard.

I think you need to lower your expectations, let him get on with it, get his A-levels, and console yourself that in a few years, he'll probably be quite different. You can't make him into something he isn't, however much you reason with him.

If he leaves now he can kid himself that he would have got the grades if you'd only allowed him to stay on and take the exams.
I agree with this.

Also, re the grades not being bad, my DS is also predicted what would be considered good grades, but even if he gets them, if he hasn't worked hard, how will he cope at university? I personally value hard work over grades, to some extent. My DS seems to do a rough cost-benefit analysis in his head - what's the minimum work he can get away with to get an acceptable grade...

TeenAndTween · 03/01/2017 12:39

I also think that with 6 months to go he might as well complete and try to get something for his efforts.
And then an apprenticeship rather than university.

musicposy · 03/01/2017 13:52

I have a DS the same age, and I think your son actually sounds fairly typical.

Agree! I have a DD the same age. She has mocks next week. She assures me she's revising but seems to me to be skyping her boyfriend in between gaming sessions so I'm not quite sure when this revising is happening. I would also be bloody delighted with C-A! She could easily achieve it but I struggle to get her to understand the effort required. Arguments get nowhere because she assures me she's working hard and cuts off the conversation. However, she will be sticking with the A levels to the bitter end!

saoirse31 · 04/01/2017 19:51

Why are you so focussed on pushing him out of school op? I really don't see your reasoning. I think you need to step back to be honest.

Timetogetup0630 · 04/01/2017 23:41

Another despairing mother of a year 13 here. She has spent the entire Christmas holidays chatting to her friends on her phone and playing games online. I also think she just goes to school to socialise.

She did sod all for GCSE's, scraped into 6th form, then worked really hard for AS and got brilliant grades but has done nothing since. She has 5 uni offers for courses she really wants to do, but isn't motivated to work at all.

I try to be really hands off, because as you said Rogue if I make any comment about studying she just stomps out of the room and tells me not to be so annoying....

I had the driving licence problem too, but she finally did apply for it and passed her test first time. I think she was mainly motivated by the number of her friends who were driving...

OP dont take your son out of school just yet he may pull his finger out around February half term or even later.... and certainly back off planning his revision timetable. Sorry.....

Timetogetup0630 · 04/01/2017 23:47

OP sorry just read your update.
Work experience in a law firm sounds great.
Is it worth him looking at a Para-legal course if it seems he is unlikely to get the grades required to study law at University ?
But honestly, keep him in school.....it's only for a few weeks now and those grades are better than none !

triskellionoflegs · 05/01/2017 00:09

Another vote for leaving him in School to finish here - lower grades will look better on a CV than not bothering to take them at all (even if you see it as a positive choice to leave and work, it will look like giving up, and he'll struggle to explain why he did that in interviews etc.

He really needs to work thru the consequences of his actions, not be whisked out of them. It sounds as if he could get a uni place, just not at the unis he might like, and I think u should let him live thru that decision making..

I was similar in 6th form, got lowish grades, and vividly remember the shock (tho I knew I didn't do much work, I didn't really believe I wouldn't somehow miraculously do great!). I got a place doing something close to what I'd wanted, but at a much less prestigious place, and it gave me the shock I needed (I got a good degree and loved the course, and ended up in a V similar career to what I had originally wanted) - no one who knows me now would believe now that I was ever lazy and unmotivated!
I'm not being mean, but if u keep pushing him along he won't learn to push himself - it has to be his life. You can help him work out options, but he has to learn - if u keep managing him he could well go to uni then just stop bothering (when u aren't forcing him) and be thrown out within a term.

triskellionoflegs · 05/01/2017 00:13

And my dd was like that with her driving licence - and eventually applied much later, and learned to drive after all her friends, it didn't kill her! I'd suggest next time there's something like that, just leave him to not get it if he won't bother - you're being too kind to him!

HelperGoose · 02/06/2017 19:40

You should do as my parents did and take the phone for about 2 months and force him to use a flip phone. It will teach responsibility and social skills. Believe me when I tell you its cheaper and way more fun for you as a parent.

Jugglingmum21 · 16/01/2019 07:18

I just wondered, having read this thread as my son is in the same boat as the op's, what happened in the end and, given hindsight and perspective, if there are any lessons to be learned??

Oncloudten · 19/01/2019 19:41

We had exactly this situation with DS. He sailed through his GCSEs without lifting a finger and got all A* and A’s. He chose A levels in Chen, physics and biology despite knowing he didn’t really want to go to uni, I thought they were great subjects and he had excelled at GCSE so all good.

But, in the December after he started the AS courses in the September we went to parents evening to be told he wasn’t doing anywhere enough work - they warned that he was failing class tests and not doing anywhere enough. Sixth form was just an extension of school to him, he loved the social element and the fact he could come and go as he pleased. He started having driving lessons as he was 17 in the September that he started the AS courses.

All he did over those few months was the bare minimum of work outside of school and gaming. We had stern words in the December and warned him that if he didn’t pull his finger out we wouldn’t continue supporting him, paying for driving lessons etc and that he had until the Easter to make big changes. Easter arrived and nothing had changed, he passed his driving test and around the same time we had a meeting with his teachers to be told his predicted grades were now all D’s.

So, we then properly clamped down, he was given a car but we refused to insure it unless he took some sort of part time work and knuckled right down at school. He reluctantly took a part time job in the April (which in hindsight was probably a bit close to his exams) but by then the damage had been done, he hadn’t worked all year and in the August he got DDE. Very luckily as we could see this coming we advised DS to try and get an apprenticeship - especially as he had no desire to go to uni still. Well, he was extremely lucky to secure a great engineering apprenticeship with a global brand. He started last September, he missed sixth form in the beginning and he was very bitter and miserable for the first few weeks but he’s now settled in and agrees its the best thing he could have done, he really enjoys it.

It’s a horrible time as a parent, all you want Is the best for your child (adult). I felt really guilty that we’d been very strict in not allowing DS to resist or spend another year fannying around gaming and dossing.
It was hard but it’s turned out the right thing for my DS. I hope you get lucky and he gets an apprenticeship, just a shame they are so few and far between.

cushioncovers · 20/01/2019 08:49

Oncloudten. You could be writing about my dad. He is due to sit his A levels this summer and is barely going to scrape by. Endless talks with the school and me conjoling talking shouting pleading with him to buck up and do the work has done nothing.
He has a partime job in MacDonald's and is paying for his own driving lessons. He seems happy to stay at Macs and spend his days off bumming around gaming. I feel so frustrated and gutted to be honest as he's so clever academically. Not sure he's even gonna get an apprenticeship at this rate.

cushioncovers · 20/01/2019 08:49

Dad. I mean ds

lljkk · 21/01/2019 14:53

Come Back, CR-Bananas! Is he completely withdrawn from school now, what is happening on the getting-a-job front?

BarbarianMum · 23/01/2019 19:14

In this family it would be start studying or Waitrose. Education could wait til they're ready.

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