Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to cope with teens wanting to spend less & less time with you <sob!>?

55 replies

Pebbles574 · 07/03/2016 15:41

Have two DS teens aged 16 and 13 and in the last year we've reached the point where they just want to spend the absolute minimum amount of time with DH & me.Sad
I know we wouldn't be doing family outings like we did when they were toddlers but I hadn't expected such reluctance to spend any time with us.
We went out for lunch yesterday for Mother's Day and a walk afterwards. We had to tell them ages in advance that it was a three-line whip and that they were coming. Before we'd even left the house DS2 was asking how long we'd be out and exactly when we'd be back Hmm.
At lunch we had a bit of a chat but then DS2 was just talking to DS1 about random YouTube videos and tech stuff which we couldn't easily join in with.
We only walked about a mile before DS2 started complaining about wanting to get home as he still had homework to do.
When we came in the front door, they both dumped their shoes and coats and disappeared up to their computers and bedrooms. Strangely, DS2's homework didn't materialise and I heard him gaming with his friends Angry.

DH took himself off to do some jobs in his shed.Hmm

I found myself feeling a bit lonely and sad and wondered what happened to the jokey, fun family afternoons we used to spend together.

They're not bratty, horrible teenagers and can be perfectly chatty and polite to guests etc if need be, but they just seem to consider it unnecessary to make the effort for DH & I these days.

Is this it? Is this normal family life now? Anyone feel like their family spends their lives in separate rooms these days?

OP posts:
HiccupHaddockHorrendous · 07/03/2016 17:42

The same is happening in our house!
Ds is 13 and things have changed a lot in the last few months.
He doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.
It's always been just me and Ds so I've been feeling quite sorry for myself.
However, I had a lovely afternoon out with a friend on Saturday. We had a very pleasant lunch and a walk on the beach. After I dropped her home, I decided to pop to see my sister for a coffee before heading home. Was a lovely day!!
I think this is what my weekends with be like for the foreseeable and I am fortunate in that I have a few friends available for such outings and my sister is fairy close by and often up for coffee and a chat on the weekend.
I'm not sure what will happen re holidays.
I work from home so don't really fancy being here all the time so we ds might have to negotiate on a week away at some point Grin

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 07/03/2016 17:48

I feel your pain. Dd is nearly 15yo and is so the same.

I won't be taking her on holiday this year, after last summer she just moaned and wanted to come home early. She's having two fantastic trips away with school this year so guess she would rather do that.

I have bought a dog for company and a caravan for holidays. Me and the dog go away in the caravan on walking holidays. Ive also got into cycling.

Orangeanddemons · 07/03/2016 17:53

Teens are so funny.

I remember once asking teen ds when he was 14 if he wanted to go to pizza express in the city centre or to the out of town shopping mall.

He chose the mall because there was less chance of someone seeing us!

Peebles1 · 07/03/2016 18:03

From what I remember it was DH who was the grumpy one on family days out Grin He's so much nicer when it's just we two!

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 07/03/2016 18:08

Dd has a list of acceptable trips.

Wagamamma or other cool lunch place
Shopping trip where I can be persuaded to spend money on her
Center parcs

That's about it I think.

SoupDragon · 07/03/2016 18:10

If i want to see my teens, I turn the wifi off. That soon brings them out of their room :)

Fontella · 07/03/2016 18:11

It's just how it is I'm afraid.

I remember dragging my two of similar age around Caernarfon Castle and it was like having Kevin and Perry/Vicky Pollard in tow. They wanted to be anywhere but there with me.

Another time on a caravan holiday on a park with pool and entertainment - just the three of us - I barely saw them. I spent most of my time sat in the caravan on my own or taking myself off to local landmarks.

I also remember taking a friend each of theirs with us for a week, hundreds of miles to visit my parents (who my kids adored visiting and spending time with when they were little), as it was the only way I could get them to go.

But it soon passes and now I couldn't be closer to my grown up kids. Me and the daughter are like best friends and hang out together all the time, and I also love spending time with my son when he's home from Uni. We have a fantastic relationship.

It's just a phase honestly, and it will pass.

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 07/03/2016 18:18

Aw - thanks - I'm glad it's not just me/us then Smile

Think I was just feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday. I have no family really - just a brother I hardly see who lives miles away - so I really miss the 'chat' and company. I have lots of lovely girlfriends but don't usually see them so much during the weekend.

Glad to hear they come back to you eventually!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbles574 · 07/03/2016 18:21

Orange - my DSs are EXACTLY the same! We have to drive to a shopping centre in another town to get them to come shopping with us Confused. God forbid that any of their friends should discover that they have [shock, horror] parents!

OP posts:
BackforGood · 07/03/2016 18:59

Sounds perfectly normal. It's just a phase, and when they get a bit older, they once again choose to spend more time with you / talk to you a bit more.
I think you were pushing it to make them go for a walk after the lunch though Grin
It does help if you can be interested in something they are also interested in - dh does a sport with dd1, and they spend a lot of time doing that together (with other people as well, not just the 2 of them). ds and I both like watching football and have lots of banter (often by text or whatsapp) about the matches.

SparklesandBangs · 07/03/2016 19:27

My teens retreated to their rooms in Y10 and DD1 emerged after her A levels, DD2 is still in there.

When it is just me and DD2 at home we hardly talk she lives and eats in her room and I have the rest of the house. To be fair she goes to school before I get up most days and when I get in from work there is usually about 3 hours tops before I want to be tucked up in bed.

If there are more of us at home we may eat one meal a day at the dining table, especially when DD1 is down from Uni or in front of the TV watching a program we all enjoy.

We sometimes do things as a family and neither of them have ever refused to go shopping/in to town with DH or I, we often all go out to eat. If there is a family event they will usually come if it's not peak exam time.

We didn't have a whole family holiday last year for the first time ever, however we had lots of mini breaks with 2 or 3 of us going. This year we have planned a 10 day break for all 4 of us at Easter and might go away in the summer too.

Ticktacktock · 07/03/2016 19:29

Pmsl at this. My two are in their caves now. But they will both be fully dressed, in their beds watching crap on their devices. And like some others here, I will turn off the WiFi at 9 30 and they will magically appear and raid the fridge before heading back to their caves.

Original poster
Pebbles574 · 07/03/2016 22:43

Gosh - sounds like I should be grateful for what I get then - we usually have breakfast and dinner together as a family most days!

Love the fact that they all sound the same - what happens at age 13 - is it just parent-loathing hormones that kick in then? Grin

OP posts:
Ticktacktock · 09/03/2016 20:31

Yup, their brains rewire to enable them to act twattish until they're 19/20, then they straighten themselves out again.

Katedotness1963 · 11/03/2016 13:41

Mine are 16 and 14. The eldest spends all his time in his room playing guitar. The youngest spends all his time in his room gaming with friends on-line. We do have their company for meals and try to do a family day out once a month.

RhodaBull · 11/03/2016 13:59

How do you holiday with one teen? Ds and dd are all right together, but in a couple of years' time ds will presumably be off by himself and we'll be left with one very grumpy dd. The thought of two weeks in a cottage with dd aged 15 doesn't bear thinking about.

Big arf and glove punch with Orangesanddemons and Pebbles574. Ds's particular nightmare is going in a shop where someone he knows might be working . He won't go in Waitrose full stop. If we go shopping he has to make an advance recce in the doorway of, say, Jack Wills and then we all have to run off at top speed if he spies a compatriot. And if it's a girl he knows, it's all accompanied by a violet red face, mumbling and many "Leave me alone!" s.

RhodaBull · 11/03/2016 14:00

violent red face, I meant. But such is his embarrassment a combination of violet and red is sometimes the case.

Whathaveilost · 11/03/2016 18:25

Rhonda
I don't find it a problem going on holiday with one teen in a cottage or an apartment.
I went Austria with just DS1 several times from the age of 16. He is nearly 20 now. We went skiing. We have also been mountain biking in the French Alps in the summer. I went away with Ds2 last August to Scotland to go mountain hiking and are going to the Cairngorms at Easter.
Later in the year Ds1 and his girlfriend have invited me to go to her mum and dads place in Spain with them.

I love the 1:1 holidays!

The key I think is to tap into something they like whether it's beaches, cities, mountains or lakes and go with the flow!

dementedma · 11/03/2016 18:36

I love that they are off doing their own things and don't miss it at all. It's bliss to have time to myself and my life back. I'm fine with them being around when they want to be, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest if they're not.

BestIsWest · 11/03/2016 23:24

Mine will always say yes to coffee and cake at Costa or Starbucks so we do that about once a week. Walks - ha ha

BackforGood · 11/03/2016 23:58

I'm with Dementia
I'm beginning to have time to treat myself to meet up with a friend and a lovely long catch up now my dc are all more independent.
I also think it's nice to see they have their own lives and interests - something a bit insular about families you come across who do everything together all the time.

Helenluvsrob · 12/03/2016 00:01

I think you have to take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. The elastic joining you and the kids is stretching. That's as it should be. The job of a parent is to make themselves redundant if they've got it right.

But the elastic will still be there and they'll ping back on and off!

weegiemum · 12/03/2016 00:04

my new discovery with ds (14) is putlocker.

illegal i think but we watched Deadpool this evening!

ChiefChegwin · 12/03/2016 02:37

Ok, I'm actually a fifteen year old teenager myself so I can give you a teenager's perspective on things. I don't really do big trips out with the family anymore except for a lunch for something. I do go to the cinema a lot but that's only with my dad and big bro. We do a lot in the evenings together too. We try and have a TV show on the go that we can all watch. In fact, I've been watching a TV show recently just me and my mum which is nice. Like your lads, I do a lot of gaming and such and I probably see my mum less than I used to. It's only natural at this point in life. However, the big thing that I've been doing recently is cooking! It's really great because I get to have good quality time with my mum without feeling too bored because I have something to distract myself with.

One more thing, that whole example you were talking about with that Mother's day lunch is very understandable. When I'm having dinner with the family they'll be some nights when the conversation isn't really flowing and its just me and my bro sniggering about things but sometimes conversation will really flow and it's great! It's just luck Wink

ladydepp · 12/03/2016 07:30

Chiefchegwin - your very nice post was written at 2.37am Grin