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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Older man contacting teen DS, not sure what to do

60 replies

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 17:52

This is a bit of an odd one, so apologies in advance if it's a bit long.

DS is very nearly 16, has SEN/mental health issues so is a bit vulnerable although very bright.

DS has a particular hobby/interest (he has fixations that last a while then another takes it's place) along the lines of train spotting or bird watching. He belongs to online forums/email groups about the hobby, as does another adult family member.

This afternoon I had a message request from a man on FB saying he needed to contact me. He also sent a friend request but I didn't accept that as I don't know him. After quite a long winded message exchange it transpires this man has been in contact with my DS recently through this hobby forum. They were messaging regularly through FB and now the man is upset that my DS has suddenly blocked him when they were getting along 'so fantastically.'

I do not know this man, but his name, public FB page, manner of writing etc all suggest he is at least my age if not older. He says he was planning a visit to see DS and do this hobby later in the year and he is dreadfully upset that might not happen as they had arranged it all. I knew nothing of this. He keeps saying how well they get on and that he doesn't want 'it all to go to waste.' He wants me to talk to DS to get him to unblock him, and to make contact with me as that 'seemed like the right thing to do before he visits.'

It's freaked me out, though I am torn between thinking he is dodgy as fuck and thinking that if he was he wouldn't be contacting me to tell me about it all, and that perhaps he is a bit vulnerable himself. Hobby is such that it has appeal for Asperger's type personalities like DS so could be a social boundaries issue I suppose.

This man has sent lots of messages this afternoon, my only response has been that I will check DS is ok but he keeps messaging saying how much it means to him, how I need to 'please please' help him sort it out. And reassuring me he is not dodgy and it's just because they get on so well and have so much in common. I'm feeling really quite disturbed by it.

Haven't spoken to DS yet as other DC are about and think it would be better once they are in bed, and not sure how to broach it at all or if I should be doing anything else.

Am an LP so no one to discuss this with and would really appreciate any thoughts.

OP posts:

Fugghetaboutit · 20/02/2016 18:41

I would ask ds why he blocked him in the morning and take it from there but I'm guessing he got a bit obsessive/obsessed with ds from his messages to you as he seems overbearing.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 18:43

There are lots of situations where hesitating to make your boundaries boundaries perfectly clear could be an awful mistake

This is one of them, IMO

I would rather upset someone I have no responsibility to than take a risk with my son's safety

Squashybanana · 20/02/2016 18:44

Example: friend's autistic son often comes over to play on the computer with him. One time we were on the doorstep taking son to an appointment. Dh (staying at home) says to pal, [son] is just off out, he won't be back for an hour, can you come back then?' Autistic pal replies 'No' and goes to our computer. He played there alone while I took my son to the dentist. He wasn't being rude, he had no idea of the social boundary. We spoke to his parents who made 'rules for visiting' instructions to include 'if the person you are visiting is going out, you need to come home and return at a more convenient time.' Problem solved. I bet this is a similar lack of understanding issue. If we hadn't made the rules clear but just refused to open the door in future, he'd have kept on coming back and been hurt and bewildered.

Original poster

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 19:00

Have spoken briefly to DS while younger DC were engaged with ice cream and movie.

DS says he had exchanged messages with this man but then blocked him because he kept on "messaging random stuff all the time." I asked what sort of thing he was messaging and DS said he couldn't really remember. This is a massive alarm bell for me as DS has an amazing memory.

I told him I wasn't cross or anything and tried to appear very casual and said I just wanted to check if everything was ok or if there was anything he wanted to talk about. He said he was fine. I asked him if he had given any personal info out etc and he said he hadn't. I hope he will talk about it more later - he doesn't like to be put on the spot and usually when I need to talk to him about something (eg school) he has a brief chat with yes/no answers then comes to me a bit later to talk properly once he had the chance to process his thoughts a bit more, so am hoping that this follows the usual pattern and we can talk more this evening.

I had hoped that talking to him would reassure me but it hasn't at all, as I say he wouldn't not remember what they had chatted about, he remembers things people said/did years ago word for word. I felt he looked a bit anxious but he does suffer from anxiety anyway. I can't explain it, but it doesn't feel right

OP posts:

Original poster

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 19:04

Am also thinking more about the fact this supposedly planned meet up was planned for a few months time, once DS is 16 and will have finished school.

OP posts:

ChemicalReaction · 20/02/2016 19:11

Can you check the chat history?

Branleuse · 20/02/2016 19:24

Its not necessary to be polite, but if you have experience with people wit social difficulties, it is kinder and probably more useful to at least give him a pointer as to what it is hes done wrong.

NanaNina · 20/02/2016 19:24

I don't think this is odd - well it is but it seems clear that this bloke is grooming your son and has been cut off before he can go any further. The persistence of contacting you OP is another red light. Someone said if he was up to no good he wouldn't have contacted you, but I disagree - these men are predators and stop at nothing.

The fact that your son has special needs is a big worry and puts him more at risk.

I think you should block this man and report to CEOP - better safe than sorry.

MaybeDoctor · 20/02/2016 19:37

Please be very careful. I think that a call to the police or CEOPS for advice would be a useful step to take.

Original poster

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 20:03

Shall I accept his friend request so that I can screen shot his profile in case I need it do you think? I don't like accepting requests from people I don't know and definitely don't want to encourage him but wonder if I should try to get a copy of the profile in case I ever need it.

OP posts:

StillYummy · 20/02/2016 20:03

Is there anyone involved in the interest group you can ask about this? Or is the man only online and not connected to anyone else you actually know?

Original poster

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 20:05

Am looking at the CEOP site now, it mentions that someone pressuring a young person to meet up is reportable so I think I might contact them for advice.

Thank you for all of your words of advice, I am feeling really unsettled by it and have no one else to talk to.

OP posts:

StillYummy · 20/02/2016 20:05

If you do, I think he will be able to see your profile for a while after, unless you block him. I wouldn't yet.

LongHardStare · 20/02/2016 20:07

I wouldn't accept his friend request. Keeping a copy of the messages / profile name will be enough. Whoever you report to will be able to access his full profile (CEOP, facebook report, local police).

Original poster

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 20:17

The group is only online. A family member also belongs to it but has not heard of this man, the forum has hundreds of members though.

OP posts:

steppemum · 20/02/2016 21:18

As I said up thread, I think it is good to tell him why, but say it very simply and bluntly.

I say that because if he is a creep, it doesn't matter, you have blocked him, and he knows why.
If he has social difficulties, he needs to understand why he has stepped over the mark. Equally, he needs that explained in a very straightforward way, too polite and British, and he won't understand it.

As your ds is obviously not happy with him, and has blocked him, you are actually in a good position. If you noticed him and ds didn't get the problem, that would be far more difficult.

I would be quietly saying to ds that he made a good decision, and how sensible he was, if you are not happy, for what ever reason (or even no real reason, but just not happy, then block. reinforce and reassure him that he has made a good choice.

If I were in your shoes I would probably hold off with police and CEOPS until ds has come back and chatted more, as you think he will. That will then give you more idea of what the problem was.

If ds doesn't come back within xx number of days, I think I would report anyway, but flag up that it might be social issues.

I wouldn't accept any friendship requests from him.

steppemum · 20/02/2016 21:20

Also - at some point, now may not be the best time, remind ds that if he ever did want to meet someone he met on-line, then the do-s and don'ts are ....

LongHardStare · 20/02/2016 21:43

I don't agree with steppemum. There is no reason to delay contacting CEOP - the site specifically mentions someone asking to meet up or who makes you feel uncomfortable. Nor is there a reason to flag up that it might be social issues, as OP has no further insight than the messages which CEOP will be able to read themselves and make a judgement on.

steppemum · 20/02/2016 22:17

just to be clear, I do think you should report him, but that it would be more helpful for ds to do it after he had come back to you.
I don't think a day or two will make any difference as ds has blocked him.

Spandexpants007 · 20/02/2016 22:30

Report him. Then tell him no, you are both blocking him because it seems inappropriate

FlatOnTheHill · 20/02/2016 22:43

Omg. Dont like the sound of it

Footle · 20/02/2016 22:55

For god's sake listen to your intuition and your son's uncomfortableness. Report to CEOPS straight away. You have no obligation to this man.

AnyFucker · 20/02/2016 23:13

Squashy, that is some huge projection you have going on there. Op has no idea about whether this pushy and inappropriate bloke has similar issues to your son's harmless pal.

Original poster

Muddlewitch · 20/02/2016 23:25

I have reported to CEOP.

Talked a bit more with DS who said he thought the man just wanted to be friends but then was flooding him with messages and trying to confirm arrangements to meet up which was why he blocked him. Have reassured DS that he did absolutely the right thing. I have had lots more messages from the man, a mixture of pleading with me to help him sort things out with DS, and paying me creepy compliments. It is clear he knows a lot of personal information about my family, including my job, the area we live, DS' school etc. He is fully aware of DS' age and vulnerability.
The man has sent lots of messages to me, I can see why it all got too much for DS he is very persistent though I still think probably has issues of his own. That doesn't mean he wouldn't be a danger though and have reported with as much detailed information as I could find out so will wait to hear back.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support, I feel quite shaken up by it all.

OP posts:

Footle · 20/02/2016 23:29

You've done the right thing , which also happens to be what your sensible son wanted you to do.

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