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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dss and ds Constant fighting and Bickering

41 replies

DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 16:28

I have posted a before about this but this week it has got to an all time low between them.

I have been with my partner for about 3 years now and this has been a problem for about a year now. Me and my wife are really

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 16:53

are at at a loss as to what to do. We have tried discipline and talking to them both but they just rage at each other over stupid things.

Sometimes they have physical fights with each other. Yesterday ds and dss had a fight that left ds with a nasty bruise on his abdomen.

Things started last spring when dss uploaded a unflattering picture of ds against his will on Instagram after an argument.

In October ds had a party round here while me and my wife went out for the evening. Ds and friends ganged up on dss and made him make them drinks and food and excluded him from the party. Which led to a backlash the next day from dss.

What doesn't not help is that one of dss friends has caused a lot of trouble for ds at school (bullying). Dss came home tonight with the bully friend as they plan to go to the gym together.

This is really unacceptable imo and ds felt extremely uncomfortable in his own home. This has made me lose a lot of respect for dss as he acted so grown up about the issue on the last thread.

We also had issues over Xmas and holiday last year.

What should I do, punishment doesn't not really work, it seems a never ending cycle of arguing. We had a great last weekend but it only lasted for about two days and it's back to normal.

What should I do in regards to bully friend. Dss knows all what this friend has done but has not at all thought about ds in bringing friend over. Part of me feels that it was even deliberate as they go to different schools.

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 16:54

Dss is 16 and ds is 17, I also have a dd aged 15.

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 17:31

Bump

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ImperialBlether · 15/01/2016 17:34

I just can't imagine liking a partner that much that I would let my children stay in a house where they were unhappy. I would have to move out. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's what I would do. I might keep up the relationship with my partner, but I wouldn't let anyone who hurt or bully my child into the house.

ImperialBlether · 15/01/2016 17:35

Maybe you could live separately for three or so years and then when the children have all left home live together again?

SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 17:41

At the risk of sounding flippant, what you describe sounds very much like horrible, normal (well, within the spectrum of normal) teenage sibling behaviour - they can be absolutely vile to each other at that age. DSis and I loathed the sight of each other at that age and took every opportunity possible to make each others lives hell - we get on fine now Smile

Have you thought about family therapy?

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 17:49

I never let this person in, dss and friend were in first today and so friend was in before me or my wife were in.

I don't get the sense that any of the children are unhappy (despite arguing). I don't think separating is a good idea because it's not always like this.

My wife is in fact a counsellor and claims the behaviour is about getting one up on each other as both of them hold grudges from previous incidents.

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stargirl1701 · 15/01/2016 17:55

Is there someone else who could help? I helped my Aunt with my cousin during the teenage years. I am only a few years older than my cousin so I was close to her age yet I was also an independent adult. We talked on the phone, had days out, she stayed over sometimes at mine. She could talk to me and sometimes I would be like 'WTF?! You can't do/say that!' She seemed more willing to listen to me than her mum.

She is a lovely women who is getting married this year.

This too shall pass, OP!

SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 18:14

I think if the teens are not unhappy and you don't want to separate then it's a case of riding these horrible years out, sadly Grin. Given your wife's professional background, what does she think?

If it's any consolation, DD and DS1 are like this. He's away at university now, so things have calmed down - or so I thought. He came home this week, and over dinner the 2 of them (16 and 18) started fighting over whether android or iphones were better - a real humdinger where they were shouting over the table at each other, and which culminated in him calling her a "bitch" before storming off. It was dealt with, but honestly.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 18:55

Dss has arrived home, I asked him why he let bully friend come round when he knows history of friend and ds. He said that he's my friend and we were oy in for an hour, I said that it's incredibly inconsiderate of ds and he says "I don't care, it's his problem not mine." My wife says that friend is not welcome and dss should apologise, dss refuses.

This friend was racist to ds and has been excluded for things he has said.

My wife says dss is testing me and ds with what he can get away with.

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Thunderblunder · 15/01/2016 18:58

Is this the same DSS as the one on your other thread who said he felt pushed out from the family?

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 19:05

Yes Thunder.

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 19:31

I have to admit I'm on ds side tonight. This boy is nasty price of work, I didn't know dss and him were close friends.

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 20:15

Dss has refused to come down to dinner tonight as he says I am ganging up on him and being too harsh on him, so he has eaten dinner in his room (his mum brought it up).

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SirChenjin · 15/01/2016 21:04

What does his mum say about it? How does she want to deal with it? The other boy sounds awful - not someone you'd want in your house at all.

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 15/01/2016 21:14

Dss mum is very annoyed tonight for him bringing this boy over. She thinks they both need to stop holding grudges and anger from previous events.

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 16/01/2016 10:36

Dss has apologised to me and ds this morning. He says that it is was not intentional to upset ds, but I don't believe him.

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DoreenLethal · 16/01/2016 10:40

Have you lot not got any ground rules at all?

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 16/01/2016 12:22

Me and my wife are very liberal in regards to rules but clearly dss has abused that pro ill and so rules may well be needed.

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SirChenjin · 16/01/2016 12:25

An apology is a step forward...whether or not you believe him is another matter, but he's offered an apology which is good.

I think rules are definitely needed! What are consequences for stepping out of line at the moment?

IguanaTail · 16/01/2016 12:35

Just make a list of 3 things

1 - friend not allowed to come over
2 - if the other person is annoying you, walk off
3 - no swearing or hitting

Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 16/01/2016 13:37

Sounds good Iguana.

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Original poster
DadKeepsCalm1 · 16/01/2016 13:42

I definitely think a set of rules are needed. But I strips to what punishments should be.

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QuiteLikely5 · 16/01/2016 13:47

Punishment

No iPhone - being antagonistic

Turn internet off

No PlayStation - being antagonistic

Grounding - physical fighting

SirChenjin · 16/01/2016 15:31

Before you implement those (very good) consequences that Quite posted I would suggest you call a family meeting. You and your wife need to present a very united front because they will try the divide and conquer approach! Say that things have become very difficult and unpleasant and you're not prepared for this situation to continue - introduce the rules and consequences, with no negotiation - and say they start as of now. And follow them through consistently !! So important. Ignore any tantrums and huffs.

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