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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ungrateful and gobsmacked (long)

52 replies

Lala105 · 03/01/2016 17:04

My DS 14 has just come back from staying with his dad in Europe. His dad gave him money towards an Xbox. DS assumes I will pay the balance. For Xmas I really don't go OTT but I did get him a new hairdryer (he's always using mine), an electric shaver (he needs one) and several other smaller presents - clothes, after shave etc.
In the car on the way back from the airport he asked me to order the Xbox when I got home. I said I would need to put the money his dad gave him into my account first or I may go overdrawn. I also asked him what jobs he was going to do to pay for the balance. He then went into one and said he didn't like any of my gifts and basically said I was cheap. I reminded him thT I had bought him an iPhone for his birthday and he basically sneered and said that was then.
When we got home he went straight upstairs for a while then came down and threw the envelope of money on the side and said, there's the money, when will you order it. I explained again I couldn't do it today and he ranted about how I expected him to be grateful about everything I did for him. At this point I said unless he could speak to me properly I wasn't willing to have this conversation. He continued to be rude and I lost it and told him to sod off upstairs . . Yes I should have remained calm but I was shaking. He has never spoken to me like that and I really don't know what to do.
I would appreciate some advice and support.
Thanks so much
LaLa

OP posts:
Whoknewitcouldbeso · 03/01/2016 17:41

Fuck me I would be so angry, I think you were very very calm.

Ok, it sounds as though he has come back from his Dad's feeling as though he gets a raw deal with you. I suspect his Dad has thrown a lot of money at him over his trip and he thinks you should be doing the same. I would do as many have suggested and wait for him to approach you again, give his money back to him and tell him to save up until he can walk into a shop and purchase the item himself.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 03/01/2016 17:41

oh right about remaining calm, I don't at all take issue with you telling him to bigger off while he was being an arse. I mean discuss the practical issues of what next at some other time. He is being a total arse and of course you responded emotionally

Ditsy4 · 03/01/2016 17:43

Agree, take him tomorrow and open a bank account. When he has enough he can buy it and will appreciate it more. He can look for jobs outside the house...gardening, paper round, dish washer.

LineyReborn · 03/01/2016 17:43

My ExH does this shit. 'Here's something towards something. Get the rest from your mum.' It makes my DS massively uncomfortable but he's 17 now and sees through it.

He would just stick it in his bank account and save up these days with a shrug.

It's all very manipulative and unnecessary.

HSMMaCM · 03/01/2016 17:43

He's probably angry with his Dad for not really buying him a present. Giving a teenager money towards something they really want is as bad as not giving them anything. He needs time to cool down, so just give him the money back (or put it in an Xbox jar and say when enough money is there, he can have his Xbox.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 03/01/2016 17:46

Your DS behaved like an obnoxious brat. I wouldn't be buying him the Xbox any time soon!

I do wonder what 14 year old boy wants a hair drier and electric shaver for Christmas though. Certainly neither have featured high on my teen DSs wish lists.

SirNiallDementia · 03/01/2016 17:53

Agree that you should not stump up the rest of the money for an Xbox. You'll be setting yourself up for a whole lot of trouble down the line with your son expecting you to pay for things so he can have them immediately and thinking he can get nice things even when he is rude to you.

You can help him think of ways of getting some money together - does he have savings? Anything to sell/ eBay? Part time job/ jobs round the house? Saving pocket money?

Original poster
Lala105 · 03/01/2016 17:58

I am overwhelmed with all the lovely, supportive messages. I will not give in. I did not tell him I would pay the balance so 1) he will need to apologise and 2) he will need to tell me whT he will do to work for the glance. He already had an Xbox I bought him last year it is the old model (ffs) - all his friends have the new one but I really don't give a stuff! I am a single parent, single income and NO financial help from his dad!
Thank you all again. I am so grateful to you all xx

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 03/01/2016 18:03

lala, are you saying his dad doesn't pay any child support - but will give money and say "put this towards an xbox"? Shocking if so!

Youarentkiddingme · 03/01/2016 18:12

He could probably get a newer model from somewhere and get cash back on the old one. It won't be a lot but it gives him something to look into and will teach him about options when needing cash for expensive items.

lljkk · 03/01/2016 18:12

What they said.

Original poster
Lala105 · 03/01/2016 18:13

No child support, never has and because he lives overseas, I cannot get any either! So much for the EU!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lala105 · 03/01/2016 18:16

Hairdryer- he's kidnapped mine. Shaver - he's been going on about one for a while. Been shaving for about a year. I also tend to spend more for birthday than Xmas and he knows this.
Maybe I got it wrong but being ungrateful is still wrong
Lx

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 03/01/2016 18:18

Strange isn't it, we can send child benefits out to EU countries but cannot import child support payments from them #AndI'mABloodyLiberal

LineyReborn · 03/01/2016 18:19

LaLa he can trade his Xbox up.

minxthemanx · 03/01/2016 18:21

He can sell the "old" Xbox. I got £75 for a 5 year old ps3 with a couple of games, on Gumtree. Tell him to look around and see what else he can sell, as well as doing jobs. It doesn't bloody grow on trees and they need to know that.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/01/2016 18:22

You didn't get it wrong. He did. I certainly would not be allowing him to sell your gifts to raise the money.

LineyReborn · 03/01/2016 18:26

The daft thing is, if you'd known about this in advance, your DS and you could have sold the older Xbox easily at a good price just before Xmas on local FB selling or Gumtree (like manx did).

You can probably still get a good price - lots of people have Xmas money to burn for a few more days - especially if you chuck in a couple of games.

But you're not wrong.

lorelei9 · 03/01/2016 19:05

Lala, does your son know his dad doesn't pay anything towards his keep? if not, it might be time to tell him.

wickedwaterwitch · 03/01/2016 19:11

Teenagers often are ungrateful

They also see things as very black and white so his dad hasn't helped by saying you'll pay the balance. V annoying I agree.

I also agree you shouldn't pay but I also bet he wouldn't mind a hug from you, he probably missed you but won't admit it. Good luck!

QueenLaBeefah · 03/01/2016 19:21

He's 14 so he will have moments of being an absolute arse and you will have flashes of that lovely boy you used to know.

Once he has calmed down (he will) try and have a grown up conversation with him. Acknowledge that he really wants a new X - box but there are several options open to him

  1. Has he got enough money for a 2nd hand one
  2. Can he maybe get a paper round to save up
  3. Has he got anything he can sell (old x-box seems an obvious choice)

Give him ownership over the problem (whilst quietly seething about your ex who has engineered the problem in the first place)

Also don't be hard on yourself for telling him to "sod off upstairs". You are only human.
CakeWineFlowers

Original poster
Lala105 · 03/01/2016 19:40

You're all wonderful. I am quite tearful but feel so supported 😊 X

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 03/01/2016 20:22

It must be very tough to be a single parent of a 14YO. Try not to take his 'attitude' personally.

As other posters have said, 14-16/17YOs are usually completely self-absorbed and lose the ability to empathise while their brains rewire. You don't have to even listen if he's being nasty - just say quietly that you deserve to be spoken to politely and walk away in future (if you can keep your temper)

Ignore eye-rolling and but don't put up with swearing/shouting/verbal abuse - he'll respect you for not putting up with it without adding to the drama and get the message that nastiness doesn't work.

Try to do things for yourself too - good for you and for him.

Great advice from Queen IMO.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 03/01/2016 20:23

I am not sure who said it but i agree he is really angry at his dad, just "throwing" money at him, and not even enough to buy the thing he wants.

minxthemanx · 03/01/2016 20:37

Like someone else said, when things are calmer, try to sit down and have a cuddle. 14 year olds are a horrible mixture of "know it all, cocky, rude, arrogant mini men" , and small children. Mine can be soooo difficult and challenging, but most evenings wants to cuddle up to me and watch telly. It's that part that stops me running for the hills! Good luck.

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