How do I stop taking this personally?

[3catsandcounting]

DD18 is doing a Foundation degree at a local Uni and living at home (hopefully moving away next year.)
She's always been "difficult" - controlling, disrespectful, ungrateful, lazy and entitled - at home! Lovely elsewhere!
Basically, I'm not allowed to nag, comment, or ask her to do anything. I'm interfering, over-protective, and ruining her life. She wishes she could leave this shit-hole and live on her own. All her friends think I'm weird and she hates everything about me.

We're fortunate enough to have a large, comfortable semi-rural home, with plenty of space to socialise; her friends all flock here as they say that we make it so open to them (they're always lovely to me!)
We've worked so hard for everything we have and I just feel so used and unloved by her. She's never hugged me, never apologised for anything, begrudgingly says thank you, occasionally. She can't be bothered getting a part-time job, lies in bed most of the day when not in college, makes food and leaves all the mess.
I've stopped giving her any money, apart from bus fare and lunch, she goes out with friends and manages to spend nothing on a night out, (she has tiny amount in the bank) She makes demands about new clothes/ shoes/make-up; when I refuse, it confirms to her that I'm unreasonable and mean.

My DS16 is fantastic, loving, sensitive, well-mannered (I'm very careful not to compare them, except in my mind.)

How do I detach? How do I stop all this from bothering and hurting me?
I know she'll be different when she moves away, but what about now?

My mum threw a plate on the ground in a rager with me once when I was a teenager. She was usually soooo patient. I can't remember what were arguing about now. I was a horrible teenager too. But considered to be lovely by adults who didn't live with me.

I'm thinking at this age, she probably wants you to stop mothering her? Outside she's displaying good behaviour and I suppose she expects you to trust her.

Most times it will be personal to you because you've went through labour for her, and spent your 10+ years looking after her. Most mothers would want to stay close with their girls (especially when they have shared close relationship since young, but when it's time to let go, we have to)

Perhaps think of it this way, how was it like when you were a daughter at her age vs thinking from a mother's perspective?

Some of the best mother-daughter relationships I see are not showering them with praises and words of love, or treating them like princesses, but by being friends with their girls.

Treat them like adults (they want to be anyway, and expect them to take care of their own hygiene / room cleanliness, not cleaning up for them), respect their privacy and let them make their own decisions, not probe too much but give advices when they asks for it. More like standing back but always having your hands on their back to know that you are still around (this will be reinforced at times when they really needed help and you are there for them).

I don't probe too much with my teens but I 'follow up' with them. Remind them to inform where they're going even though they need no permission (just for their safety), remind them to plan their revisions for exams, ask them about their grades and their choices of course next.

And nagging doesn't get in them, they'd only do more of what you don't want them to. (something I'm still trying to improve on)