How do I stop taking this personally?

[3catsandcounting]

DD18 is doing a Foundation degree at a local Uni and living at home (hopefully moving away next year.)
She's always been "difficult" - controlling, disrespectful, ungrateful, lazy and entitled - at home! Lovely elsewhere!
Basically, I'm not allowed to nag, comment, or ask her to do anything. I'm interfering, over-protective, and ruining her life. She wishes she could leave this shit-hole and live on her own. All her friends think I'm weird and she hates everything about me.

We're fortunate enough to have a large, comfortable semi-rural home, with plenty of space to socialise; her friends all flock here as they say that we make it so open to them (they're always lovely to me!)
We've worked so hard for everything we have and I just feel so used and unloved by her. She's never hugged me, never apologised for anything, begrudgingly says thank you, occasionally. She can't be bothered getting a part-time job, lies in bed most of the day when not in college, makes food and leaves all the mess.
I've stopped giving her any money, apart from bus fare and lunch, she goes out with friends and manages to spend nothing on a night out, (she has tiny amount in the bank) She makes demands about new clothes/ shoes/make-up; when I refuse, it confirms to her that I'm unreasonable and mean.

My DS16 is fantastic, loving, sensitive, well-mannered (I'm very careful not to compare them, except in my mind.)

How do I detach? How do I stop all this from bothering and hurting me?
I know she'll be different when she moves away, but what about now?

onlyoranges & raving - thank you for your kind words and support - sometimes it's just good to be heard.
sally - over the years I have given lifts here, there and everywhere - we live quite rurally, with no buses or even pavements in our village. Our choice to live here, not hers, so I have over-compensated in that way. More recently though I've toughened up and act only when I'm asked in a civilised way (she's also learning to drive.)
jftbo - I didn't misread 'sensitive', I was just saying she was secretive.
I didn't explain myself about DS; DD sees him as the favoured one, I don't favour either of my children (I may favour or prefer DS's attitude and behaviour and he's a much easier person to be around, but I have never voiced that). It doesn't take a genius to work out that if you're pleasant to people they'll treat you better - she's not stupid!

I love my children equally and have brought them up exactly the same.
They're expected to do bits of stuff around the house, help out when asked; DS does this willingly and quietly, DD doesn't. Simple as that.

Don't get me wrong, underneath all of her angst and non-compliance, she's a delightful, clever and funny creature who I love dearly; I'm just hoping her more negative behaviour is a lack of maturity which will disappear, hopefully sooner rather than later!

Aren't all teenagers like this? Or most of them. I think it emotionally prepares you and then for when they move out.
Just like just before kids start nursery or school they drive you a bit bonkers because they are ready to move on to the next stage

*them

I am emotionally prepared for dd to move out right now! I don't think I can go on much longer with all this. Is it time for yet?

Raving - always time for ; however I now have to go and get cat food, as the cupboard is bare and they're making it known. I'll join you for later!

Have you sat down and talked things through together? You need to tell her that you love her just as much as DS. Tell her about all the things you like about her. She strikes me as unhappy about something.

I've tried everything I can to let her know she and her brother are the most important things in my life. In fact, I probably haven't told DS enough!
DD has always avoided any hugging/kissing or heart-to-hearts; she's uncomfortable with any show of affection, and after 18 years of trying, it's wearing a bit thin.
Every time I get told I'm hated, I've always replied, "well that's a shame, because I love you!" It's met with derision. Every time.
She's seen numerous GPs, holistic therapist, CBT therapist, all in an effort to try and help her; not much has changed. I arranged it all. I so desperately want her to be happy. What more can I do?

3cats it sounds as if you have done all you can. If only it were as simple as sitting down for a heart to heart eh? I am accused of being patronising when I try that. My dd is not very touchy feely with me as well although there is plenty of hugging with her pals.
Just hang on in there. Ive been told it will get better

If she dislikes physical affection so much maybe you're being over bearing? Maybe she's an introvert?
18 is funny age. I think I was mostly selfish and uncommunicative at 18. I don't think teens really appreciate everything you do until much later in life. You probably do far too much for her then hold resentment. Try being more strict and regaining some power back in this relationship and not allowing her to walk all over you.

Also being fed up with her attitude and behaviour is ok but I think you need to step back a bit. She's not your 'child' anymore and I think you're trying to parent your adult instead of letting her take responsibility for herself.

She won't ever behave how you like to get approval from you if she doesn't respect you in the first place. Deep down of course she wants to be the favoured one but she won't work at it because she's probably already convinced it won't work and may even be afraid of rejection for trying. She will however store up plenty of resentment that her brother is. I think the underlying problem here is that you care too much. Let her go a bit and keep strong and supportive in the background x

Some kids are easier to live with than others... fact. It doesn't mean that you love them less but honestly who WOULD like living with someone who is constantly rude, dismissive, and unpleasant to them? I have four children aged 18-23 and frankly one of them in particular made me wonder at times why I hadn't just had a dog instead!

As for 'they know they aren't the favourite..' well they also know why... teens aren't stupid either, they are perfectly capable of working out that if a parent prefers to spend time with another child because that child isn't vile to them... it's their call!

They do tend to grow up eventually tho... my difficult one did and now at 22 (still living at home as can't afford to move out on his wage) is so lovely to have around. He's still untidy and his room is grim... but the attitude has gone ..he's kind, thoughtful and loving towards me. At 18 I was contemplating throwing him out because I had had enough of his anger, vile behaviour, lies...

I went for the 'think of him as an annoying lodger' approach for a few years. I was polite but didn't offer more (as it was rejected with derision) I didn't help out either.. gone were the lifts and cash. 'You are ruining my life' was met with a total lack of response. In my head I pretended he was a stranger and so was always polite, and always without any emotion.
I genuinely think it gave him head space in which he grew up a bit. He missed the cash and the lifts ...had to get a p/t job! Hated that he couldn't get me to rise to his insults... it rendered his shitty attitude pointless... and at some point his horns started to recede and the adult DS1 emerged as a nice man!

Hang in there... oh and if she claims she can't work while doing a degree... that's rubbish :D DD1 and DD2 worked all the way through very full on courses (medicine and nursing) as did many of their friends!

Medusa - I've read and re-read your post and hope I can write similar in the future to someone else going these shitty times. Thank you.

I know children and particularly, teenagers, can be difficult.
I work in a primary school and have been on more courses on behaviour, attachment and resilience than you could shake a stick at. I know that 9 times out of 10, there's a reason for bad behaviours and attitudes. I can deal quite easily with these children in school that I'm not emotionally attached to!
At home, I'm aware that I can be overbearing and interfering. I'm a people-pleaser, a solver, and I need to back-off, let her make mistakes, stop feeling bad for refusing money and lifts, and just let her be.
Easier said than done, but I'll try!

I am finding it so difficult to back off but I also need to learn to let dd16 make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences. She is at the moment still lying on her bed on her phone in her PJ's. She will probably slowly get ready and go out soon.

Her total lack of motivation and ambition drive me nuts. She does just enough to get by at college and not an ounce more. She is just so lazy its unbelievable!

I'm trying to hold my tongue but its so hard. Its really getting to me . What can I do?

I am loving the advice and comments on these posts. Unfortunately I have no advice to give as I am struggling with my own dd16 and can't seem to get it right. She is so good at turning around things I say and accusing me of having a go at her or not trusting her. I am quite worn out with it all.

The answer seems to be to step back and give them space. I am trying but not too successfully.

Good luck everyone

Kiki - the laziness drives me nuts too; her friends are all working part-time, and studying hard, and achieving. Obviously that area of peer-pressure eludes her.
Fluffy - it's so hard to step back when you've been in the nurturing role for 16-18 years.
She tells me to stop interfering, leave her to get on with her own life, then asks where her black leggings are and "can you take me into college tomorrow cos I've got loads of stuff".
It's very typical of the book "Get out of my Life.....", which is often recommended on MN. At the age of 18, the very thought of my mum owning that book would have left me deeply ashamed ("but that was in the olden days" as I can hear her say - way back in the 80s!)

Thanks 3cats. Its great to know mine is not the only one. I just don't understand it though. Dh and I have worked hard for everything we have and dd knows this. Our kids have not been spoiled so I don't understand where this apathy and laziness comes from. She knows you need to work to get what you want but she just wont!

Its going to be a long haul until she hopefully sees the light and shifts her arse and starts doing something! At least your dd seems to have a goal, if she's doing a uni foundation course. Mine has no idea what she wants to do so in the meantime chooses to do nothing.

I'm ashamed to say the is calling and I can't resist today

Oh, go on then!
Yes, she's going college, but it's been a painful process. Scraped Bs and Cs at GCSE, B,C,U at A level. Minimum effort in everything. Her present course is self-directed learning, God help her! Her only reason for any motivation seems to be that she'll get away from home as soon as she can!

My wine consumption definitely increased ..a lot... during the shitty years!
DS1 was a total asshole from around aged 12... started early! By 16 he had been arrested (for something he hadn't done, thankfully, though I'm quite sure he was guilty of plenty of other crimes!), curfewed informally by our local police, alone with several of his mates, had stolen several hundred pounds from me, punched holes through our doors, tried to take me out with a basket ball (sounds funny but bloody hell that hurt!) was selling weed to his friends....

and was the most unpleasant person!

Now.. 22.. he started working with adults who have learning disabilities and mental health problems 3 years ago... found his niche... he's brilliant with 'his guys'.. he pays rent, never goes out without ' love you Mum' and is grateful for all I do for him (yes I do his laundry and meals if he's not at work... it's no skin off my nose when I'm doing the family washing) and he says he has no idea why he was such a swine and is sorry he put us through it.

It's like a different person... I love it when he is home and not working... he plays guitar and sings on a local pub circuit (and is making a bit of money from it now doing gigs) and I genuinely dread the day he moves out... he's off travelling in february and I shall miss him horribly.

Like you, I KNEW the stuff.. I work with very challenging young people, have done every course going. But the day I frizbee-d a wooden ikea plate at his head was not one of my finest moments....

It will pass....

Medusa - what an inspiring post! It gladdens my heart to hear stories of how young people can turn themselves around. Your boy always had it in him, it just took a while to come out, and it took your love and perseverance to help him.

(I am wondering, however, did you just happen to have the wooden Ikea plate in your hand, or did you have to rummage through the cupboard to ensure damage limitation?!)

Have to dash off but I remember my mum looking at another parent who said I was wonderful and saying "are we talking about the same person? She's a rude cow at home"

I was much better behaved after that

Yes it is good to know that it passes. Although my dd has not done anything too bad (that I know of) I am finding it very hard to deal with. I am seriously considering going for counselling as I just think the way I am feeling/ coping is not normal. I've been ground down and I can't see her and the situation changing in the near future.

Oh bleedin hell. Listen to me feeling sorry for myself . But reaching for the wine at 5pm on a Sunday is bad.

Nell -*
Kiki - have you read "Get out of my life ..?" - it gave me a bit of an insight and helped me change how I* dealt with unwanted behaviour.

I've got the laziness, lack of motivation and a ton of risky behaviour in DD17 but she is still mostly polite so I suppose I should be grateful for that. This thread is such a comfort, particularly Medusa's sage advice. Back off and leave her to it is going to be my mantra from now on.

I keep doing the bold shouty writing!
I don't mean to, honest!!

Oh!!!! She sounds like mine. You sound like me. (kind to a fault)

My DD wasn't as rude though. She was sooo much nicer as soon as she moved out.

Difficult though it is, try to be 'professional' when she kicks off. Keep your verbal reaction to the minimum. She'll just hear blah blah. Instead calmly, briefly and regretfully refuse to do her favours if she's mistreated you. Just tell (quietly and with no drama) her you don't feel like giving her a lift (or whatever) at the moment as her outburst of yesterday (or whenever) was unpleasant and you don't feel like using your time to do her a favour. Keep everything you say as low key as possible. Take any 'moral' dimension out of it. The fact is you don't feel like helping with x at the moment because she was unpleasant. Ignore any subsequent outbursts as much as possible. Refuse to listen to outbursts aimed at you - walk away and/or say calmly that you're not listening to her.

Praise and compliment whenever possible and say goodbye with an added have fun/a good day. She might still genuinely think you do have a mission to stop her having any fun and/or only approve of her when she's doing something 'wholesome' or 'achieving something' IYSWIM.

Try not to ask questions about her social life etc (soo difficult) or be in any way judgmental about her appearance/alcohol consumption/social media habit etc (apologies if you aren't anyway)

I totally get posters who say it's easy for other parents to just advise them not to be soft-hearted but I think you can be a bit more assertive without it creating any drama or being hard-hearted.

Good luck.

I just happened to be in the kitchen when I blew

I think it might have seriously damaged him had my aim not been lousy! As it was it meant I no longer had my set of six (it broke as it hit the wall behind him!) and every time I laid the table for sunday dinner the kids reminded me, til my Mum happened to spot a set in the local chaity shop years later

It wasn't the first or last time I threw things at him either ... even though in my job and can be in a stand off with a seriously dangerous teenager (I work with young people who have severe autism) and keep my calm head.... he just pushed every button there was until I learned to disengage.

No wonder I'm grey now!!