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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16yo being treated for primary amenorrhea

79 replies

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 20:28

My 16yo daughter is undergoing investigations, has had ultrasound, swears blind she has never had a period.
She's gone away and I decided to risk her wrath by clearing out her bedroom. Wherein I found several bags of used sanitary towels?! (three bags, maybe half a dozen in each, and bits of tissue with blood on) Hidden on top shelf of wardrobe.
What is going on? I know some girls just don't like to discuss, but she's looked the doctor in the eye and told her nothing ever happened?!
She's been for a flipping ultrasound. If nothing else, wouldn't you be scared the ultrasound will show that you are lying?! We await results, perhaps it does!
I am baffled. Any bright ideas?

OP posts:

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 20/10/2015 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 20/10/2015 19:08

Op, you sound a bit scared of your daughter

OhahIlostmybra · 20/10/2015 19:42

I remember hiding soiled period pants in my room as a teenager. I was too embarrassed to put them in the wash or speak to my mum. I had an older ds who wasn't v sensitive and I think I may have not wanted him to find out.

So I hid them, along with used pads on occasion. I think I was just embarrassed by the whole thing. It's not until I became older I realised how minging it all was.

My mum naturally found them. Her and my dad spoke to me about it. I was obv mortified. Especially since my dad also spoke to me. They were okay about it but really could have done without my dad speaking to me - should have just been mum.

imwithspud · 20/10/2015 20:15

I remember being to embarrassed to tell my mum when I started my periods. We had a 'period talk' at school and they gave us all a sample of 4 sanitary pads at school which I used for the first day, shoved my soiled underwear in the wash and hoped my mum didn't notice. A day later she came into my room having found my knickers and asked me if I'd started my periods, I said yes, we both cried and hugged. She said she'd talk to me about it later, that talk never did happen, though.

It seems fairly common for girls to feel unable to confront their parents when they first start. Looking back now I have no idea why I didn't just tell her instead of trying to make 4 sanitary pads last as long as possible, I'm sure many women feel the same and I'm sure your daughter will one day too.

PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 20:29

I think that lots of girls hide their periods, I doubt many of them get as far as having an ultrasound investigating their missing periods.

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 20:56

Many thanks for the helpful and positive comments. We've had a chat, which went ok. I don't imagine it's over, but we've got to at least part of the truth. She's had a hot shower and a good meal. She wasa bit evasive and tried to get away with shed just had the one, but is now admitting to two, including one prior to the ultrasound. She tried to tell me, but couldn't. That'll have to do for now.
I think she probably needs a bit more hands on mothering. We'll see.

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 20/10/2015 21:08

Jowly have you tried a worry book? This worked really well for dd. She would write stuff in it and I would write back. If I found it under my pillow I knew to read it, and I would silently return it to hers. The rule was I didn't raise anything shed written out load! Sounds mad, but it helped!

PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 21:09

So glad you were able to talk and have the beginnings of an ongoing conversation about it all and .

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 21:11

Thanks to those who offered positive comments and advice. We've had a chat and a few tears. She's had a hot shower and a good meal. She initially admitted to one period, but I wasn't buying that so she's gone for two, including one before the ultrasound. She says she wanted to tell me but can't explain why she didn't.
For today, I think that will do. I expect there'll be a lot more. I think she needs a bit more hands on parenting. But we'll see.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 21:17

OP posts:

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 21:21

Sorry my phone's playing up and i can't delete!

OP posts:

Wandastartup · 20/10/2015 21:21

Sounds promising
PS I can guarantee that the sonographer would have told her if she was pregnant..

Epilepsyhelp · 20/10/2015 21:48

Noeuf that is such a great idea! Will definitely borrow that one at a much later stage.. Glad it went well OP.

imwithspud · 20/10/2015 21:59

Noeuf that's a brilliant idea. I'm going to remember that for when my daughters are older.

Glad you managed to have a talk with her and it went well. Hopefully you can continue to talk and get to the bottom of it.

VulcanWoman · 20/10/2015 22:00

Another one here, I didn't want to tell my Mum either, ended up sleep walking with worry. Hope everything works out well!

SouthWestmom · 20/10/2015 22:06

Thank you, I'm sure it's a 'thing' and I'm not the originator but dd really related to it.
Really glad for the op that there's a start.

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 23:02

Well, I've drunk my weight in red wine tonight, and my Slimming World triumph of earlier in the week has almost certainly been wiped,but I'm very glad we got some words spoken, and so thankful for all the support an inspired suggestions here.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 21/10/2015 14:12

I used to hide stained pants behind my book case in my bedroom at this age, rather than face my mum with it all, just found it really awkward. And my mum was very open about everything. I've no idea why I was like this.

I have two teen girls (14), one is very open about periods, asks me for different types of pads, mentions when she's on, or if she's late, and is that normal etc. Her sister would rather die than discuss any of this with me. I've noticed that lots of my tampons have been going missing so breezily said to both girls, "oh have you been trying out tampons, much better than pads, esp for holidays/swimming etc". Open DD said it wasn't her, she wasn't ready to try tampons just yet, the other just gave me a "WTF" look and walked off. It's obv her, I just don't understand why she finds it so embarrassing.

I'm concerned now that she seems to be using them every day! so I do need to have a discussion to make sure everything is ok. Not looking forward to that.

So, to get to the point OP, it isn't to do with how you've brought you DD up, as my twins were treated exactly the same and are very different in their open-ness.

good luck with it.

DriverSurpriseMe · 21/10/2015 14:33

I really remember not being that open with my mum about my periods as a teen, but I was never too embarrassed to put stained pants in the wash thankfully. I must say, I'd hate it if my DD was too embarrassed to discuss anything and hid pants and pads.

Sandy, if your DD IS using tampons inbetween periods, you'll have to talk to her about that due to the risk of toxic shock syndrome. I remember being quite fastidious about tampon use due to reading too many stories in teen magazines about TSS in the late 90s!

Dancergirl · 23/10/2015 18:13

noeuf that is such a good idea. My own dd is just about ok with periods but finds it hard to talk to me about other issues. I wonder if a worry book would help.

OP, you sound like a great mum. It's really hard when they're secretive and won't talk to you.

Original poster

JoelyB · 22/12/2015 00:18

Update two months on - the doctor was very good with her, she had a chat with her in private and of course I don't know what was said, but I don't get the feeling she got anywhere.
She's cheered up a lot and made more of an effort with her room, but periods are still a total blind spot.
For a bright girl, she's just infuriating.
'Have you had another period?'
'I don't know, I can't remember'.
Patiently and humourously explain that any medical professional for the next forty years, when ever she presents with anything between her neck and her knees, will ask her for the date of her lmp, and that it's important for her health, and for when she's trying to get pregnant, and for when she's trying not to, that she get an overall view of what's due when.
'I don't know, I can't remember, and keeping asking the same question won't change that.'
So - progress of sorts. Still weird though.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoelyB · 04/01/2016 13:16

Sigh. The funny smell returned, and the laundry basket wasn't showing a proper proportion of her undies... so found all sorts of things in a black bag in her room - food from lunches, new undies with slight staining, packets of painkillers, my food containers?!
And in a cotton tote by the door ... the sanitary towels. I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do. We've tried talking, she blanks us.
I don't want to drive her over the edge, but my instinct tells me she has a real problem, and because she's 16, no one will talk to me about it. I can't get her the help she needs. :(

OP posts:

biscuitz72 · 06/01/2016 13:27

That sounds really frustrating and worrying. If she struggles to confide in you is there anyone one else (Aunt, Nan, someone at school, friend's mum, etc) that she might open up to? If so, it might be worth a try.

Did you try the worry book idea from Noeuf? It sounds like a really good way of talking without actually being face to face (it's probably really helpful if it's embarrassing for them).

I've always been open about periods, etc and my 2 dd's started young (10yo), probably before all the usual teenage embarrassment when talking to parents. My youngest (11) is still very open, but my eldest (13) can be a bit shy; although we have different issues with her as she will use the same pad all day (too embarrassed to change at school). She's not bothered about hygiene/staining, but she's too embarrassed to change them in case someone hears her!! Doesn't make sense to me; she does have Aspergers though, so we put some of it down to that.

I think if it was just refusing to talk about it I'd leave it be, but the fact that she seems to be denying it to herself (by not using pads and hiding any evidence), suggests that this issue runs much deeper and I think that you might want to think about professional help (child psychologist or something); although it won't be easy with regard to her age; it's silly that you're excluded, as how can you help if you don't know what's going on.

Wishing you success and luck.

ArmfulOfRoses · 06/01/2016 14:03

Would she be more open to doing her own washing?
Having her mum see/handle stained undies might be too much for her.
Give her use of the washer and tumbler one day a week maybe?
The rubbish and plates is still grim though.

piegirl99 · 06/01/2016 14:41

What happened...what was the outcome? Just seen this thread belatedly and have a friend dealing with similar.

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