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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16yo being treated for primary amenorrhea

79 replies

JoelyB · 19/10/2015 20:28

My 16yo daughter is undergoing investigations, has had ultrasound, swears blind she has never had a period.
She's gone away and I decided to risk her wrath by clearing out her bedroom. Wherein I found several bags of used sanitary towels?! (three bags, maybe half a dozen in each, and bits of tissue with blood on) Hidden on top shelf of wardrobe.
What is going on? I know some girls just don't like to discuss, but she's looked the doctor in the eye and told her nothing ever happened?!
She's been for a flipping ultrasound. If nothing else, wouldn't you be scared the ultrasound will show that you are lying?! We await results, perhaps it does!
I am baffled. Any bright ideas?

OP posts:

imwithspud · 20/10/2015 13:32

Gosh. I have two dd's although they are very small. But I can't imagine what you must be going through. I have no constructive advice to give, but you seem to have had some great suggestions already. Maybe now that you've discovered the bags of used sanitary wear, she will finally open up when you confront her and she realises there's no way out of it. Really hope you can get to the bottom of it.

Georgethesecond · 20/10/2015 13:39

Poor you. Teenagers are odd creatures. I have my own, but they are boys. Well one is a boy, one is the age of your daughter so he is a young man I think.

Sounds as though you have other issues with her regardless of the insanitary towels. I think they have to be binned by you, because they are disgusting and she won't do it. Likewise anythinge else revolting you might have found. Teenagers may be odd but that doesn't mean you can't enforce basic standards of hygiene in your own home. Personally I don't enforce standards of tidiness as I think that mess is a phase they are entitled to and that will pass.

I think the medical investigations have to be cancelled with the GP / hospital and you have to tell them why so her medical records are correct.

What you say or don't say to her I think depends largely on the surrounding issues. Presumably she will be too exhausted to be rational tonight, so the bulk of it will have to wait until half term?

Wondererer · 20/10/2015 13:44

So why did she go to the gp I'm the first place? Have I missed something here?

Did they do a PG test on her? could she be PG? If she has quite obviously started her periods I'm thinking could they have possibly stopped and she's wondering why they have? Or trying to conceal why and get the doctor to basically tell you via ultrasound?

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:45

What is so confusing is that she could have got rid of the evidence with the greatest of ease. We have wood burning stove, and I am forever exhorting them to just fill a bag of rubbish and chuck it, she's held onto all this stuff for a reason.
Oh well. Back the room.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:47

I can't honestly see how she ca be pg - but of course nothing is impossible. I'd wondered that myself.To tell you the truth it would be a blessed relief!

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 20/10/2015 13:48

Maybe she just doesn't want periods so she is denying to herself and to you that they are happening. I'd think it's quite possible that she she has no idea why she feels like that and will look back on this time with utter bemusement when she is older. Like I said - odd

Georgethesecond · 20/10/2015 13:53

Thinking about the room - having removed the health hazards, can you put the rest back more or less as it was in heaps on the floor presumably so as to lesson the hysteria tonight?

bexcee8 · 20/10/2015 13:54

Could she be in denial... Maybe not wanting to grow up and become a woman?
Can kind of see how one little lie could escalate to the point of not knowing what's true and what's not.
Hope she's enjoyed her trip away and that you get to sit down and have a good chat later.

DriverSurpriseMe · 20/10/2015 13:54

Sounds like she maybe has mental health issues beyond your typical teenage angst OP, would you agree? To deny having started your periods is one thing, but to willingly submit to medical investigations and hoarde all kinds of rubbish and filth is quite troubling.

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 13:54

the trouble is all this was in part to remove a piece of furniture she no longer wanted, which we have done, so I'm afraid it's beyond that.

OP posts:

bexcee8 · 20/10/2015 13:56

Then just say whilst I was removing 'piece of furniture' I thought I'd investigate the smell I mentioned and came across X, y and z. See what she says.

NewLife4Me · 20/10/2015 13:57

Just a thought but could the sanitary towels and the rest of the mess in her room be two different issues.
Could it be that she can't stand having periods and by just chucking the pads in a bin bag she doesn't have to deal with it, like putting her head in the sand.
The other rubbish because she is untidy and not coping?

You say she studies hard, is she a perfectionist in her work.
I'm thinking maybe putting all her energy into this rather than taking care of herself.

Wondererer · 20/10/2015 13:59

Why can't you see how she be Pg? If she's trying to hide periods from you I imagine she would definitely hide a PG.

I wouldn't rule it out. Maybe call gp explain what you've found and discuss options. E.g. Getting her back in for pg test and if all clear discussing possible mental health issues. Maybe her going in alone with doctor would help her open up to him?

It's a tricky situation to be in OP but I hope you find resolution soon

PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 14:03

It sounds like it is going to be very hard to avoid a showdown tonight when she realises you've cleaned her room.

Does she have to go to school tomorrow, and can you stay at home with her? She will be genuinely exhausted after the trip and probably getting emotional about her room too. Then you have a day to talk, just the two of you, no distractions?

Wandastartup · 20/10/2015 14:08

If she was pregnant it would have showed on the ultrasound

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 14:12

ah , but we don't officially have the results of the ultrasound.

OP posts:

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 14:31

NL4M that's my favourite option.
Wonderer Of course she could be, but she is pretty seldom in any kind of situation where that would come about ... I know, I know, it can still happen, but no (admitted to) boyfriends, though her bestie has a boyfriend, we (think we) know where she is most of the time and we are rural, so she needs a lift to go anywhere.
Of course it's still possible, but that would be another level of deceipt.
PT it's a PHSE day tomorrow, and she doesn't have to go, but I don't want to stop her if she wants to. I am at home tomorrow.
Wandastartup - the sonographer only reassured us that the uterus was present, you don't get to look like you do in antenatal ones - and that it all looked normal. We then booked an appt with the GP. Frankly if the GP tells me she's pregant it will be a long way off the worst of my fears.
I've got the GP calling me back, but it's unlikely she will be able to discuss without her present, as she's 16.

OP posts:

PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 14:33

Definitely don't stop her from going in...it's just nice to know that you have options for coping if tonight is tough.

Georgethesecond · 20/10/2015 15:56

What are your fears OP?

It seems there are more things going on here than a bit of a mess?

Original poster

JoelyB · 20/10/2015 16:17

I havnen't the foggiest. That's my chief fear I think! I have no blooming idea. I wish I could think it was just mess and avoidance and it would all be fine and dandy once we've talked. But I don't think it will. We'll see. I'm now paralysed with nerves about her return!

OP posts:

JustDanceAddict · 20/10/2015 16:34

I would have to speak to her about it as she has lied to you and the Drs/nurses carrying out the investigations (and wasted NHS funds on an ultrasound!!). there must be something else going on here with her than just being untidy or not wanting to talk about periods. If she was really embarassed about it then she could use her waitress money to pay for pads, etc.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.

PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 16:42

JoelyB - your DD may (eventually) be glad that you have found out. The secrets and feelings are her periods and hoarding must be a burden for her to carry on her own. Realising you know will probably be a shock for her, but if you let her know that you still love and support her (as is very clear from your posts on this thread) she will hopefully trust you to help her.

PerspicaciaTick · 20/10/2015 16:44

about - not "are" - sorry.

HelenaJustina · 20/10/2015 16:57

My Mum wasn't brilliant at helping with the practical side of periods, buying my own pads and finding a way of disposing of them without younger siblings finding out took up a lot of my time... And I did resort to filling a plastic bag (hidden in my desk) and binning after 3/4 days.

I can kind of see how the hiding of them started especially if that is what she is used to doing with other waste. And the investigations may be because she couldn't save face and own up at the same time.

Teenagers are so complicated! I've got 4DD and am not overjoyed at the prospect of their teenage years. You sound like you are doing the best you can for her, hang in there! Good luck with this evening...

foolonthehill · 20/10/2015 17:02

I'm in a hurry so sorry this is rushed:

My daughter is bright, sensible, caring, organised just like yours. But a little younger.

She hates the idea of growing up, won't admit that her periods have started or that they happen relatively regularly, would rather hide the evidence all over her room than acknowledge it.

The problem with my daughter is not with me...at least after much soul searching i don;t think so. We still talk about everything else except growing into a woman...I have always been open about periods etc as well as relationships sex and the like. We could always talk about it...until periods and breasts actually happened

With my daughter the problem is with her...she does not want to acknowledge it is happening. She would rather lie (and generally she has a real problem with lying) than admit periods happen to her. She can't even bit the stuff, she would have to admit to herself she was hiding something...and then there would be no point...she would have acknowledged it.

I have tried (not only once and not in this order) direct confrontation (tears and anger), subtle information (printed and letters), ignoring with sanitary products around for use if and when (not used...loo roll instead). Her younger sisters are easy and open, as a family we have plenty of female role models who are open and relaxed about sharing.

I am just sharing this to let you know you are not alone.
Lying to the medics would be because she is lying to herself.

For my daughter I think the school education system of doing development and puberty related to sex and relationships messed up her head and emotions about this.

HTH

Best wishes xx fool

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