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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How do others react to "I hate you" from teenagers?

39 replies

Juliehermann · 13/10/2015 12:10

My ds is 17 and has been relentlessly difficult - verbal abuse, lying, threats of physical abuse - since we got home from holiday at the end of August. He has always had mood swings but the mood just will not swing back to a happy place at the moment. It is really getting me down and it is difficult to say anything without a verbal lashing from him. He has now declared he hates me and has confirmed he meant it in a text message. I am trying to keep calm with him in the hope that things will get better but he reacts badly to almost everything. Any thoughts, ideas, lessons learned from own experience?

OP posts:
Keeptrudging · 13/10/2015 12:13

Just keep affirming 'That's fine, but I love you anyway, no matter how arsey-- you are feeling'.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 13/10/2015 12:26

My DD went through this phase at the same age. It hurts to hear those words "I hate you". But they are not meant, really. She grew out of it and is now thoroughly ashamed of how she behaved.

Your DS is lashing out at something, not necessarily at you; you just happen to be on the receiving end of his anger.

What does he have going on in his life at the moment? What may he be worrying about? Hormones have a great deal to answer for. Not an excuse for bad behaviour, but sometimes there is a reason. Flowers

ouryve · 13/10/2015 12:28

Usually with "well its a good job I love you."

ChipsandGuac · 13/10/2015 12:29

If he was 14, the "I love you anyway" is appropriate but isn't 17 a bit old for this? Especially if he's following it up with text messages to give you an extra kick.

Tbh, op, if staying calm isn't working, it might be time to get tough. Who pays for his phone, his wifi, his clothes, his food? Who does his laundry? If a 17 year old was giving me that shit, it sure wouldn't be me!

TrinityRhino · 13/10/2015 12:32

I could only imagine that saying 'Well I love you' I'd the only response.
None of mine have ever said that though.

PeaceOfWildThings · 13/10/2015 12:41

I try to find out why. Is it based on my fault in some way then I exain I want to learn from it, so I ask what I could have done better, plan to do just that and say sorry.
So... Do they feel let down? were you not there for them in an hour of need? Did you show disrespect for their values, what they stand for, or who they are? Did you talk about them to other people? Break a confidence? Did you treat them unfairly? Punish them or someone else for something which was not their fault, or just a mistake? These are all yhings which I think a child of mine might ferl justified to feel hate for me, and I should apologise for if I did them, even unintentionally or thoughtlessly.

Or... Is it more that they hate tgemselves, and are projecting it onto you? Hate their lives, hate their lack of choices, lack of control over yheir lives?
That is understandable. That needs a rienforcement of their self esteem, encouraging them to develop and maintain good self care habits, respect and enabling them to live out their valurs wtc.

Or.. Do they have values so different to your own that they hate your choices, your appearance or behaviours, what your values are, how you live your life? Then they need help expressing themsrlves and understanding the boundaries of ones own choices and responsibilities. Taking credit only for ones own achievements, giving them complete credit for theirs, and the same with mistakes, self harming and destructive habits, etc.

There's a lot there, there are probably many more reasons why they say these things, and it might be different each time they say it. It is sometimes a sign to get to know them and give them chances to learn things like driving, cooking, leadership, caring etc and help them get paid work, if that hasn't already happened. For others, it is a fleeting passing phase which has no deep meaning and which is soon forgotten if not too much is made of it.

VulcanWoman · 13/10/2015 12:49

"I love you", it confuses them.

VulcanWoman · 13/10/2015 12:51

Trinity, out loud, maybe not.

Georgethesecond · 13/10/2015 12:52

"Well I still love you".
But accept that is the end of the conversation, they don't want any discussion!

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 13/10/2015 12:54

'well I don't hate you'.
But you know what if he is 17 (!) and still acting like this, it could be time to show him the door.

cosytoaster · 13/10/2015 13:02

Gosh, most people are nicer than me. I'm with Chips, whilst your DS may not be feeling the love at the moment he should still be treating you with respect and I'd be getting tough until that happened.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/10/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Juliehermann · 13/10/2015 17:07

Thanks for all your answers. At the time I went down the "well I love you" route - greeted with "no, you don't". Talked about keeping some thoughts to yourself as an adult - which is how he likes to be seen and how - but his answer was " you should talk about feelings and I do hate you." Little charmer! I hope this phase passes very soon!

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 13/10/2015 17:10

Is he depressed? Mood swings and negativity are often thought of as a teenage rite of passage, meaning that depression is often overlooked or discounted.

I was fairly ghastly as a teenager and was in fact clinically depressed and self-harming. Is there any way you could see if there's anything underlying going on?

SirChenjin · 13/10/2015 17:10

I would say "I don't like you very much either at the moment, but I will always love you because I am your mum. However, that does not mean I will put up with your appalling attitude, and unless you improve your behaviour then I will be doing X. Your choice."

KatharineClifton · 13/10/2015 17:35

I've said something like 'fair enough, at the very least you are entitled to your own emotions'. Took the heat out of the situation.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 14/10/2015 09:41

Raise an eyebrow and say "that's nice dear".

gin4me · 14/10/2015 10:29

There is always the "I will always love you, but sometimes I do not like you" .

JustDanceAddict · 14/10/2015 12:09

I say 'that's a shame' or something like that.

wanderings · 14/10/2015 12:19

As a teenager I never said "I hate you" to my mum, I just rebelled in other ways (didn't do homework; once when she told me the moment I was out of bed that the house needed hoovering, I did it there and then, in my pyjamas; I hadn't even had breakfast!).

When she heard someone's else's teenager say regularly "I 'ate yer, mum - ev'rything about yer", my mum told me it might do me good to say it sometmes. I was very confused by her saying this. Perhaps she thought I might then forget about rebelling in other ways.

thunderbird69 · 14/10/2015 12:24

I haven't heard it too often thankfully, but just comment with 'ok' 'fair enough' or something like that.

VenusRising · 14/10/2015 12:32

Better out than in. Later on these feelings cost a fortune on a couch.

Maybe ask why?
Could be you are annoying him beyond belief!!

Seriously, in a calm moment, ask him how he is. Listen to the answers.
He does sound depressed.
Make an appointment with the GP? Where's his dad?

FrackingHell · 14/10/2015 12:34

off topic, apologies OP. But wanderings is immediately doing the hoovering a rebellious act? It rather seems the opposite?

ThomasRichard · 14/10/2015 12:43

My 5yo says this but he's 5 Hmm I just say 'oh dear'!

If he was 17... I think I'd be going with SirChenjin's response.

AnyFucker · 14/10/2015 12:49

I don't like the other stuff at all, but for your specific question I reply "whatever"