Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How do others react to "I hate you" from teenagers?

39 replies

Juliehermann · 13/10/2015 12:10

My ds is 17 and has been relentlessly difficult - verbal abuse, lying, threats of physical abuse - since we got home from holiday at the end of August. He has always had mood swings but the mood just will not swing back to a happy place at the moment. It is really getting me down and it is difficult to say anything without a verbal lashing from him. He has now declared he hates me and has confirmed he meant it in a text message. I am trying to keep calm with him in the hope that things will get better but he reacts badly to almost everything. Any thoughts, ideas, lessons learned from own experience?

OP posts:
fieldfare · 14/10/2015 13:04

My response would be "I'll always love you but I don't like the way you're choosing to behave right now, please leave me alone".

wanderings · 14/10/2015 14:08

is immediately doing the hoovering a rebellious act? It rather seems the opposite?
I'd have got into trouble if I'd refused to do it, so I timed it in a way which annoyed her. I knew full well that she didn't expect me to do it right there, in my pyjamas before breakfast; so I did then it to show how martyred I felt, and sure enough my mum wailed "that's a horrible way of reacting!!!". And I probably replied with "but I am doing it, what more do you want?" My mum is somebody who always has to be busy. I used to feel highly resentful of the fact that with my mum in charge, school holidays often seemed much harder work than being at school; there was a strong correlation between holidays and vast amounts of housework; big projects like mass decluttering, or painting the entire house seemed reserved for holidays; the exception being the summer half term just before exams, so then I would have to study every hour instead! So I did things like that to try and wrong-foot my mum. Sometimes I succeeded.

Anyway, enough of my teenage woes on someone else's thread, back on topic!

UpNorthAgain · 14/10/2015 16:20

I think of Dustin Hoffman in Kramer Vs Kramer saying, 'Well, I hate you too, you little shit!' and try not to say it myself Smile

More usefully, Orwell once wrote, 'Children are so blind, so selfish, so merciless. They do not know when they are tormenting you past bearing, and if they did know, they would not care.'

VulcanWoman · 14/10/2015 18:53

I remember that line from Kramer Vs Kramer.
A great quote from Orwell, it's true too!

Bumply · 14/10/2015 18:59

I used to respond with "I love you too"

FrackingHell · 14/10/2015 19:23

wanderings - fair play, that sounds pretty shit Flowers

UpNorthAgain · 14/10/2015 20:18

Thank you, VulcanWoman. You can tell Orwell had been a teacher, can't you?

Live long and prosper Wink

VulcanWoman · 14/10/2015 21:11

_\V/

OccamsLadyshaveToo · 14/10/2015 22:46

My 13yo told me the other day "Sometimes when I say I hate you I mean I love you!"

Grin
minifingerz · 15/10/2015 08:29

"So... Do they feel let down? were you not there for them in an hour of need? Did you show disrespect for their values, what they stand for, or who they are? Did you talk about them to other people? Break a confidence? Did you treat them unfairly? Punish them or someone else for something which was not their fault, or just a mistake? These are all yhings which I think a child of mine might ferl justified to feel hate for me, and I should apologise for if I did them, even unintentionally or thoughtlessly."

Um, no.

Shock

I don't think it's justified to hate someone who hasn't been a perfect person or a perfect parent. Someone who has made mistakes because, you know, they're HUMAN.

Teenagers hate their parents - mostly - because they are teenagers, and they are going through a process of separation which sometimes manifests itself as strong and irrational feelings of antipathy towards people who love them.

OP - I have been through four years of this with dd. A few months ago she calmly told me that she wanted to cut my throat. She has also told me she hopes I get cancer. Sad

Miraculously she has simply stopped doing it over the space of about 4 weeks. I haven't changed, she has. I now get 'I love you' and hugs every day. She is 16.

Sadly, ds1 (12) is horribly hormonal and she has passed the hateful teenager baton along to him so I've had 'I hate you' this week from him. I'm horrible and vile because I ask him to tuck his school shirt in, ask him to do his music practice and homework, make him go to bed by ten, and get him put his plate in the dishwasher. I'm cruel me!

AdoraBell · 15/10/2015 08:37

Only 1 of my teens says this, so far, I don't take it personally and respond with a simple I love you.

minifingerz · 15/10/2015 08:38

Oh, and I think reasonable responses are: "Gosh!" Accompanied by a mild expression and slightly raised eyebrows. Also, 'I know darling' and gentle sigh. If I'm feeling sniffy then 'Alright !

Asimovbuff · 15/10/2015 08:46

I say 'no you don't you just feel as though you do' Grin infuriates them

stablemabel · 15/10/2015 16:39

Probably look upset and ignore or just say 'ok'.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page