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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage son struggling to make friends

28 replies

choirmumoftwo · 29/09/2015 21:45

DS (16) has always struggled to form close relationships with his peers. Even at nursery, he preferred the company of the staff than the other children. He gets on well with his classmates in school, and with others who he does activities with, but he rarely gets invited to socialise with them outside. As he gets older, this is increasingly a cause for concern for him and us and he's actually quite lonely, even though he's always busy. I think he's one of those people who can feel alone in a room full of people. We don't know how to help him and wondered if anyone has had similar experience. He's convinced he's on the autistic spectrum which may be true but we think he just lacks some social skills and doesn't quite know how to get the balance right between being friendly/engaging and being pushy/needy. Any thoughts gratefully received!

OP posts:

LongTimeLurking · 01/10/2015 12:11

Why is he "convinced he's on the autistic spectrum" and what makes you think he is not? You certainly describe him has having some traits of being on the spectrum; slightly lacking in social skills, making acquaintances through practical activities but not being able to bridge the gap to meaningful friendships, etc.

You say he can be pushy/needy... can you elaborate?

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 01/10/2015 12:50

Thanks for your reply. To clarify, we're not at all sure that he isn't on the autistic spectrum - it's certainly a possibility but not the only one. I'm not sure that he is being perceived as pushy or needy but he has to make such a conscious effort to connect with people that I worry he may come across that way. I don't know where to start to get an assessment for ASD and would it help? Thank you.

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Leeds2 · 01/10/2015 15:13

Would he be able to invite one of his classmates over for the evening, for something like a gaming evening? Or suggest that a couple of them go to the cinema? Thinking he might find it easier if he is with just one person, rather than in a group.

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 01/10/2015 15:19

I think he doesn't want to ask as he never has before, despite being in school with them for over 3 years. He also tends to get on better with girls which again can be awkward as you can imagine at that age!

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stablemabel · 02/10/2015 18:26

Hi Choir, this is a difficult one isn't it? I would say my son, also 16 yrs is similar. He has never liked being with large crowds and seems to prefer his own or the company of one or two people. He seldom talks of friends or goes out to socialise. His younger sister is similar. I recently suggested they tried a youth club and they both point blank refused as if it was the craziest idea ever!

Does your son have any interests or hobbies as I always think this is the best way to meet people? Is there anything in your area? I also think it is very difficult these days with FB etc etc, young people think there is something abnormal about them if they don't have lots of friends and socialise when infact they are not, they are just the way they are and some people find it hard making friends.

I hope someone comes along with more advice than me but trust me, you are not alone as a parent with this issue. Stay here for support.

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 02/10/2015 21:51

Thanks. He does lots of activities and is really quite sociable.It's the deeper friendships beyond the group setting and the mixing after school that he's missing. Perhaps it will sort itself out, but it's hard to see your child upset.

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IjustGotmy2016diary · 02/10/2015 21:56

You need to go to the GP and ask for a referral to the community peadicatrician

Titsywoo · 02/10/2015 21:58

How has he got this far without being assessed?! Ask the school to refer you to an ed psych/CAMHS asap. He sounds like my DS who is being assessed now at 8 after a few years of me pushing.

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 02/10/2015 22:12

To be honest, it's never been a huge problem until now and I think because he's older and able to get himself about, he's realised that he's not meeting up with people out of school as others seem to be. I'm not against the idea of an assessment but I don't know how it will help? As I say, he's not isolated or shutting himself away, and he's doing well at school. Is he just an awkward teenager lacking in some social skills?

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Mehitabel6 · 02/10/2015 22:17

I think it is quite common. The more he worries about it the worse it will become. I would suggest getting really involved in things that he enjoys and it is more likely to evolve naturally.

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 02/10/2015 22:23

That's our hope, he's most likely to make friends with people who share his interests. We'll keep encouraging and supporting him.

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Mehitabel6 · 02/10/2015 22:34

I don't think he needs assessing. There is a lot that is positive, doing well at school, has interests and isn't isolated and doesn't shut himself away.
He may feel alone with this problem but in reality there are many like him. They are not going to admit it- you don't at that age.
I hated being a teenager- it gets much easier once you are older, have more confidence are not so bothered about what people think.
Just support in anything he wants to do.

MoonSandwich · 02/10/2015 22:38

I think that sounds fairly normal. lots of teens are a bit awkward and not confident. He might well find it gets easier as he gets a little older. I've four adult kids and remember being amazed at how they change and mature between the ages of 16 and 18 - it was very obvious when they had parties. 16 year olds at parties are a bit useless, they just don't know what they should be doing.
Does your DS have friends online. My DS have proper friends online. They chat and laugh together. I find it a bit odd but to them it's normal. All my kids know each other's friends and flat mates through online gaming.
What activities does you son do?

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 02/10/2015 23:36

Thank you for the reassuring comments. I don't want to 'out' myself but he sings with a regional youth choir, does some presenting for community radio and press work for a non-league football team, vice-president of his old school association and is active in various ways at church. He really is busy and sociable but all these activities apart from the choir involve mixing with people much older than himself. He's great with older and much younger people, just not his peers on a one to one basis.
This is beginning to read like a very 'first world ' problem. He could be staying out all night, coming home drunk and doing goodness knows what! Still, if he's concerned then it matters.

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MoonSandwich · 02/10/2015 23:39

I bet he will find friends when he is a bit older. He sounds like a nice lad.

Neddyteddy · 02/10/2015 23:39

When he's with others does he ask questions and does he listen well?

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 03/10/2015 00:02

Thanks Moon.
He's better at listening than asking questions Neddy, and he really struggles to maintain eye contact, especially when he's talking about himself - just shyness maybe? Actually, that's an issue even when he's talking to us, and he hates being looked at for any length of time, even surreptitiously.

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Travelledtheworld · 03/10/2015 06:59

My son is very like this, especially issues making eye contact and talking to strangers.
But recently he has become involved with two team based activities at school and when I went to watch I was amazed how he had turned into a polite young man who was able to discuss tactics and have a polite conversation with strangers. Definitely showing powers of leadership.
I am sure your son will mature and develop his own friendship circle in the next couple of years.

Mehitabel6 · 03/10/2015 07:33

I would take a very laid back approach- I'm sure he will just mature in time.

Sundance2741 · 03/10/2015 09:11

Given all those activities he is involved in, it doesn't sound like ASD. A lot of teens tend to hang round in big gangs, there's all that peer pressure and feeling like everyone else is doing better than you etc. He is probably just a bit intimidated by it. I would try not to worry too much as he has a lot going for him.

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 03/10/2015 10:56

Thanks all, I'll try not to worry and more importantly, encourage him not to worry either!

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stablemabel · 03/10/2015 18:18

I agree with Mehitabel6, he sounds like a really nice young man to me and is involved in some really good activities. Try to encourage him not to think that he should be doing this that and the other because he sees his peers doing it, everyone is different and it's good that he gets on with people of other ages too. I would stress the positives. Of course it's hard if things bother him but it sounds like he has got a lot going for him. Lots of teenage boys are not good communicators and cannot maintain eye contact, certainly not abnormal!

I'm glad you've found help, it's so hard not too worry isn't it but glad you are trying.

Mehitabel6 · 03/10/2015 18:28

You have to remember that some people are very good at putting on a front and some teenagers who seem very successful socially may not feel it underneath. I think it is a very difficult age.

Original poster

choirmumoftwo · 04/10/2015 17:02

I'm very glad I'm not a teenager these days, it's so much harder than it used to be!!

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Snoozebox · 04/10/2015 17:22

Those are great activities, and hopefully will help build his confidence over time. If he's sixteen and looking to go to uni en that's when he may blossom. He probably just hasn't found the right peers to hang around with yet.

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