Teenage unmotivated son.

[chinup2011]

Hello again, I've posted before about DS. I'm losing the plot a bit so thought I'd run this passed everyone to try and re- collect my sanity.

DS is 16 left school in July with a really good set of GCSE results despite having a history of really poor attendance.

He is completely unmotivated to work, go to college, apply for apprenticeships etc. He has applied for one since June and that took days and days of persuasion. He wants to be a video editor and the openings are few and far between. In the mean time I think he can improve his chances in lots of ways by writing to companies etc. etc. but it all requires effort and knock backs that he seems to find difficult.

He has no money, no phone, nothing is bought for him, he has access to the internet so that he can practice his editing (otherwise he would go nuts) so I've no sanctions left apart from throwing him out which I'm not prepared to do yet.

What I need is someone (preferably male -his father would not be the correct person), who could speak to him and explain how you need to seek things out rather than wait for things to happen.
Are there any youth organisations out there that I can approach. So far I've tried: his school (too busy and he didn't attend well anyway), youth connextions, 4YP.

As I say, I'm going round in circles and need a bit of direction, so any ideas are welcome.

TIA

The obvious things would seem to be a college course that includes video editing.

He's meant to be in education or training anyway. Whilst this is hardly ever formally enforced, without his being enrolled you will lose child benefit and child tax credits. In fact they will have stopped by now. How are you managing?

Just googled and all my local colleges offer film and video editing courses, at varying levels, including post-GCSE.

This is it I'm not managing. CB and Tax credits stopped back in July. He adamantly doesn't want to go to college to to video editing, he would prefer to work, but he has no experience. I can see it, and have remonstrated 'till I'm blue in the face, but I can't apply for him. It's too late for this year anyway, I've been at him since his done his GCSES

I need someone stronger than me to get through to him.

What were his school attendance issues linked to? Would his experiences be colouring his decision making about college?

That's a good question. Was it school refusal linked to anxiety?

It's not to late OP, I would march him down there and ask what is left and tell him to make a choice ( I say this as I had to do it).
It's awful isn't it because you can't just make them.
My DS is 19 and he is in college, slowly working his way to uni apparently! But no matter what I do/say he wont get a job to help himself and me.

I'm not weak and neither are you, the old saying is 'you can take a horse to water but can't make it drink'... I think that is about teen boys!

Is he any good at video editing? If he can produce decent stuff he needs to build a portfolio, could he approach local small businesses or charities and offer to create some things for them for free?

I never got to the bottom of school refusal, it could have been anxiety but he is a fast learner and was often bored. I muddled through it for years. If I march him down to a college to do any course that has vacancies he will just not turn up.
He is good at editing but has very little equipment so I think that what he could produce for a company cannot accurately show his ability. The thing is I know what he can do to improve his situation, I'm constantly suggesting ideas for him but I'm met with apathy. That doesn't bode well in this industry.
Something that has crossed my mind; I know that I am focused on getting him to do something, he knows this and it annoys him. Maybe I should leave him, take my foot off the pedal. When his equipment breaks he will need replacements. But then again I left him over the summer to see what would happen and nothing did. Family members tell him that he is lazy, which doesn't help, it's only me that's fighting his corner.
This is so hard.

Why don't you take him to some university open days? That could inspire him.

Yes that is an idea, I'm going to look into that. Maybe if he sees what's out there. Thank you for that.

I know it will be met with - that's a waste of time but I'm going to investigate.

Do you think he might be depressed?

Gawd, OP's situation is very familiar. Except my DS isn't anxious, just a lazy truant.

6th form colleges kick them out for bad attendance so marching him down to choose a course sounds like a waste of time to me; if the lad doesn't want to go then he'll soon be out on his ear, anyway.

Is it actually possible to find apprenticeships that are in the right area for OP's DS to develop foundation skills?

Can I suggest you and he look at www.momentumworld.org.uk They are a youth involvement organisation offering some great opportunity to young people. They do a lot video editing on the courses.

Gosh OP you poor thing. I've just started a thread in chat about my DS with a similar problem. I didn't want the thread to hang around but maybe should have posted here for the wisdom.

Wishing you strength in all this.

As an example looking here it says they take nobody under 18 & must have qualifications
I would expect that entry standards are very high & there would be lots of people trying to obtain a few jobs
www.pinewoodgroup.com/our-studios/uk/about-us/careers

This has some interesting information www.prospects.ac.uk/film_video_editor.htm

www.prospects.ac.uk/case_studies_film_video_editor_case_study_1.htm

He needs to try to enter some competitions this & good place to look for inspiration virginmediashorts.com/#page=1&filter=date

I would encourage him to either
Find some local companies that he can do some work for
and
Enroll onto a course
This type of work involves networking & making contacts with people

Perhaps he could do videos for weddings, live bands even if it is free as a starting point

Sitting at home is not going to get him any where !

He needs to be "hungry" for the job & opportunities, because there will be plenty of other people who will be 1000% keen to do the same thing

The other thing that I would add is that technology moves on quickly...

Good luck

nfts.co.uk/sign-me-up/open-days

Suggest if not already get content onto internet & get people to provide feedback & build up a following
Youtube
Facebook
Vevo

Thank you for all these suggestions. In the industry he wants to enter its all about networking, and pushing yourself. He just can't see that.

I've explained to him that if he doesn't do that his only option will be shop work and he can forget about a career choice. I wouldn't say he is depressed, maybe lacks confidence. He is busy with YouTube channels that he runs but despite the money that can be made here, it's not a career move, sitting at home on your own at 16. They are not heavily subscribed even though his work is good.

I've suggested doing work for local groups but he is too damn lazy.

The issue is: there are loads of opportunities but he won't seek them out. As he is no longer at school there is no-one else telling him this only me, going on and on and on, daily. The rest of the family think he is lazy, they are right but it doesn't help matters.

You see I cannot fathom why a young person has so little drive. I don't buy him anything, he has limited clothing, no phone credit, etc. surely you would want to earn some money at least? He is content with posting on his own small channel in the hope that he will make it big sometime.

I am in despair!
I appreciate all the links- the ones I haven't seen; I've shown them to him. Thank you so much again.

Being adults it is easy for us to look back with hind sight and life experience

What he does not realise is that life has very few opportunities & if some come along he should take them

You can only be 16, 17, 18 once
Nobody will be so sympathetic in a couple of years time if the status quo is still the same !

At 16 all the doors are still open to him

At his age he should be full of energy & passion, willing to learn, meet new people

Most employers now ask for the "extras", they like to know that people raise money for charity, volunteer, help their local & wider community, use social media responsibly, recycle, complete courses & gain qualifications, good communicator. All this type of thing is great to put onto a CV.
My current employer actively encourages us to do all of these things on top of our daily job role.
Recent applicants have been expected to be 1000% enthusiastic with some related experience & qualifications

As a teen part time work, college & volunteering taught me a great deal & was the foundation for me to move onto bigger & better things

Top tips:

Turn up on time every time
Wear appropriate clothes & shoes
Learn from other people
Have a positive attitude
If you work hard, it will be noticed and someone may offer you an opportunity on to the next level
If you dont like the job role complete a course that allows you the opportunity to move to a new job
Network, you never know when or where you will meet a particular person in the future in real life or via social media
Get a job even if part time
Volunteer

I hope this helps ?

I agree with you tunnock but the problem is HE doesn't understand that and no amount telling him makes a difference - I just get: ' I don't care Mum'

Unplug the modem and take it with you to work. Tell him Internet costs money and he needs to work or study to buy Internet time.

The softly approach isn't working.

I have a very lazy 13 year old and in the end I have to stop pandering and set standards....like you cannot sit on the iPad and read books for 12 hours in the holidays, you have to go outside and go for a walk, or see friends. She's happier for it too.

I agree, you've got a lazy but relatively self sufficient son who can spend all his time on the internet and so doesn't really see the need to do anything else. If he will go nuts if he can't access the internet then that's probably the only leverage you have. Otherwise he is essentially throwing his life away.

I'm self employed and work from home, I need Internet too.

I have the most basic of packages, which runs too slow for him ( and me) but will not upgrade until he upgrades his life.

I'm not accessible through the day, so he can't come for a chat. There will be no heating on.

You can,set standards but he's 6"2, I can't physically push him out the door. We had the same issues with school.

The old saying, you can lead horses to water... Mentioned UP makes me think just leave him now, to bore himself into action. But I posted about him last year and a poster said her brother was the same and ended up a 30 something still living at home with no life. This is ringing in my ears, I've told him this but nothing...

I want to take him to uni open day ( as suggested above) so he can see what goes on, but he won't go. If I had an interest in something I'd be more than enthusiastic about something like that. It's just not right.

Does he have any other friends? What are they all doing?
I'm wondering if a bit of social pressure could help...

He has a few friends and all are doing things, I'd hoped once the holidays were over things would change. His sister (completely opposite) is getting on really well, her friends are all off to uni and he sees the stuff they are doing.

He could have the same.

DS and I have a good relationship, but at the flick of a switch, when I (or any one) mentions, jobs, future, etc. he turns ugly, it's taking things beyond this point that I can't do. Arguing with him achieves nothing, he just digs in deeper.

DS and I have a good relationship, but at the flick of a switch, when I (or any one) mentions, jobs, future, etc. he turns ugly, it's taking things beyond this point that I can't do. Arguing with him achieves nothing, he just digs in deeper

Here's a question.If you ask him to do a job around the house eg hoover the stairs,empty the dishwasher, will he happily do it?

I am trying to discern whether his problem is lack of energy/laziness or whether it is anxiety eg Fear he won't be able to cope with a job or college, fear of mixing with new pwople (both very understandable)