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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage unmotivated son.

37 replies

chinup2011 · 23/09/2015 11:15

Hello again, I've posted before about DS. I'm losing the plot a bit so thought I'd run this passed everyone to try and re- collect my sanity.

DS is 16 left school in July with a really good set of GCSE results despite having a history of really poor attendance.

He is completely unmotivated to work, go to college, apply for apprenticeships etc. He has applied for one since June and that took days and days of persuasion. He wants to be a video editor and the openings are few and far between. In the mean time I think he can improve his chances in lots of ways by writing to companies etc. etc. but it all requires effort and knock backs that he seems to find difficult.

He has no money, no phone, nothing is bought for him, he has access to the internet so that he can practice his editing (otherwise he would go nuts) so I've no sanctions left apart from throwing him out which I'm not prepared to do yet.

What I need is someone (preferably male -his father would not be the correct person), who could speak to him and explain how you need to seek things out rather than wait for things to happen.
Are there any youth organisations out there that I can approach. So far I've tried: his school (too busy and he didn't attend well anyway), youth connextions, 4YP.

As I say, I'm going round in circles and need a bit of direction, so any ideas are welcome.

TIA

OP posts:
Brioche201 · 27/09/2015 21:37

Another thing to consider is this.I have been giving my student son a hard time for being lazy-not getting a summer job, sleeping til l past lunchtime and not making an effort with his friends.Anyway , a blood test for something else show he has an underactive thyroid which absolutely explains his feeling exhausted and lethargic and generall down.
I believe an overactive thyroid can make people very anxious and panicky.

Shantotto · 27/09/2015 22:26

If you need the Internet to work, can you change the wireless password? Then it'll work on your computer but he won't be able to access it from his devices?

Brioche201 · 28/09/2015 00:02

The OP needs to get to the root of her DS's problem.If he is too anxious to work or go to college (as he was at school) then that needs to be resolved.I don't see how changing a password is going to help with that?

tunnockt3acake · 28/09/2015 08:47

16, 17 you can probably tolerate

This attitude at 18 is a different matter, when an adult

Why should you be working hard to support a family when he adds no contribution !

I would try asking him what his short & long term goals are

It sounds like he needs something to boost his confidence

Please try to get him to apply for jobs or volunteer

lljkk · 29/09/2015 20:10

@ Chinup2011, are you still around? May I ask you something, since you are slightly ahead of me in these decisions:

My feckless DS is still in yr11. Open day for local college is coming up & I could drag him along... or it could be a waste of time since I can't imagine my DS sticking out any A-level course. DS's GCSE results will be good enough to enrol, but he might fail at interview if they realise how feckless he is. Do you think I should still try to take him along? In retrospect, what strategy didn't you try that you wonder about?

There's a complicating factor for DS, kids he was bullied by at primary school will be there. If DS worked for a yr (or didn't work but grew up a bit at least, ha!) & started college a yr late, at least he wouldn't have those annoying peers in his classes.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 29/09/2015 22:16

Brioche usually I would say he is helpful when I ask him to do something.
I am thinking about your suggestion of a blood test, it's an interesting one, I had not considered that before.

I sometimes cannot decide whether he is lazy or anxious. He is not comfortable socially I would say, so I'm sure anxiety plays a part, but he is also lazy.

Lijkk I ask myself this question very often and really would love to find out where this has all gone wrong. Since you ask it too I will go and have even more of a think.

Does your DS have to go to that particular college? the bullying thing would concern me first off.

I'm exhausted at the moment and will return soon when I've thought about your question further.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 22:28

What kind of job does he want? Is he exclusively wanting video editing?

The thing is that there are so many skilled people and virtually all of them learned how to do it at college or they had the equipment and the motivation to teach themselves. He would have to compete with them. Sometimes it's only when you're on a course that you realise you're not the best in your field!

I would really encourage his video editing. There is good work to be had out there. I'd also encourage him to write to people who do that job and ask them what qualifications they have. He won't get work doing it straight from school at 16 - there's no reason for them to take anyone on at that ago with so few skills.

My son is at the NFTS in a related area (someone posted a link to the NFTS) - their MAs are fantastic. There are so many fab degrees he could take - would he really rather work than do that?

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2015 22:30

The thing is that laziness is his worst enemy. The people who are doing well in that field are working a huge amount of hours per week. That's the first thing he needs to sort out, tbh.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 30/09/2015 07:22

At the moment he would like exclusively editing, but at 16 he doesn't know what's out there.

Thank you for the link Imperial

I agree laziness is his worst nightmare, in all fields if you want to succeed you have to dedicate yourself.

At the moment he thinks he can have a 'career' in YouTube but the chances of having a 'break' in that are so slim. When he is doing this stuff he shows commitment which gives me hope that he can work hard at something.

I have run his situation passed a youth worker who has said this is common for this age group and a 'lightbulb' moment often occurs for them at 19.

Maybe my constant 'nagging' is having the opposite effect and this is his way of having control in his life. I don't know - your thoughts welcome. I have mentioned a blood test to him,as mentioned UP obviously he is not keen but this needs to be looked at.

I response to Iiick the rot set in around early year 9, he is a bright boy and was bored a lot at school. He hated school and every day from then on became a real battle to get him to go. I posted endlessly at the time about this. Although he hated the place he didn't want to change schools, but this particular school did its best to knock him down I think. The teachers were over worked. His confidence was dented at this time. I should have insisted he move schools right at the beginning. It was really not a good school for him.

I would take him to the college, definitely but I would consider alternatives if he is not keen on his classmates. The bullying occurred sometime ago so they may have changed, but I wouldn't want him to have to face that again especially at this age. Take him to the open day and see how he feels.

I cannot see how I could have done things differently really. I'm a dynamic person myself and have tried to show by example. My DD is completely opposite to him- she's a real go- getter. Which makes me think this is his way of being individual, rebelling or what ever you call it, instead of drinking doing drugs etc. Maybe I should lay off him and weight for his lightbulb moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
chinup2011 · 30/09/2015 07:26

sp! - wait

OP posts:
lljkk · 30/09/2015 20:03

Thx @ Chinup.

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