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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year age gap. Thoughts please!

40 replies

SueDunin · 21/09/2015 14:43

While out celebrating her 18th, dd met a 32yr old man Shock She really likes him and plans to meet for coffee at the weekend... He told her, and my FB stalking shows, that he is a policeman. He knows her age. His texts (I've been shown them) appear normal. I daren't tell dh just now. Feeling a bit sick tbh.

Your thoughts and experiences would be gratefully received...

OP posts:
MistressChalk · 21/09/2015 14:53

I'd say she's 18 and technically an adult. But there's huge differences in maturity between 18 yr olds so that would be an important factor. If he's a police officer it does seem a slightly reckless move on his part.
Nothing 'wrong' in this situation, I'd just be concerned that at 18 she may want to explore life as an adult before falling into what could be a very adult relationship (in terms of maturity and commitment).

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 21/09/2015 14:54

I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Dismalfuckers · 22/09/2015 15:21

Well, I know that they are both adults, she just, but I have to admit that I would be quite worried myself and would not wish this for dd.

Obviously, I would not show this to avoid fuelling a doomed passion type feeling, but would have concerns about the vast gulf in life experience and lifestyle.

Not saying it could never work, but on the face of it that's what I'd really think. I know it's not the done thing to say so though.

BertieBotts · 22/09/2015 15:22

I'd be massively concerned, TBH. Yes they are both adults, but she only barely.

Is it a really stalkerish thing to suggest contacting the force he claims to work for and asking for verification?

BertieBotts · 22/09/2015 15:24

And ultimately, she's 18 so if she wants to pursue a relationship there's not a lot you can (or should, really) do about it but I would still have my alarm bells going. Not all age gap relationships have an element of control, but many do and it's really weird that at his age he would find a just-turned-18 year old attractive in terms of maturity and life experience and general company kind of thing.

VaviaVive · 22/09/2015 15:30

She may actually be better off with an older man. He may respect her more than a young one.

GladysTheGolem · 22/09/2015 15:36

I dated a 30yr old policeman when I was 18, I think he was married (most of them are!) but aside from that, he was alright.

I dated a 31yr old policeman when I was 20 & ended up marrying him. Grin

Wishful80smontage · 22/09/2015 15:40

When we were 17 my best friend went out with a policeman who was in his late 20's which at the time we were very jealous now I'm a bit Hmm
Seems a bit off that a 32 y o policeman would be interested in a teenager tbh :(

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/09/2015 16:23

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NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/09/2015 16:23

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Shutthatdoor · 22/09/2015 16:25

Is it a really stalkerish thing to suggest contacting the force he claims to work for and asking for verification?

Yes

Sidge · 22/09/2015 16:30

I'd be concerned if it were my DD - there's a world of difference with a 14 year age gap at that age. I'd be wondering why a 32 year old was interested in a literally-just-turned-18 year old. No disrespect to your daughter, and whilst technically 18 year olds are adults they're hardly mature and worldy wise.

I'd also be wondering if he was married TBH.

Fartinabucket · 22/09/2015 16:37

My experience:
When I was 19 I had a relationship with a 38 year old who was married with two kids. I didn't tell my mum because I knew she would 'tell me off' as much as that's possible given I was an adult. If I told her I knew we'd end up having a massive row so I kept it quiet.
I knew the relationship wasn't serious and that it wouldn't lead anywhere, it was just sex. I enjoyed the attention of an older man with a proper job, money, car, house, having money spent on me etc.
He enjoyed shagging a 19 year old and boasting to his friends about it.

My thoughts:
It's not really anything to do with you or your DH who it is your daughter sees/sleeps with as she's an adult.
As long as she's sensible (i.e. protection, don't get too involved straight away), then I don't see a problem with them hanging out. They might have crazy wonderful sex for six months and then break it off or they might fall deeply in love and be together for the rest of their lives.

GladysTheGolem · 22/09/2015 21:05

What Fart said.

She's being open and showed you texts, don't make her feel like she has to hid this.

FishOn · 22/09/2015 21:17

I was just turned 19 when I met DH and he was 27, so not dissimilar ages. Still happy 20 yrs later.

I'd say it depends on the couple. I'd been working in the City for 3 yrs so not exactly naïve.

BertieBotts · 22/09/2015 21:18

Ha, okay Grin

I don't have teenagers.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 23/09/2015 10:36

She's eighteen, so it's not really any of your business, though I understand you think it's a bit "odd".

Your DD sounds smart - she's shown you texts and meeting him for coffee seems like a fairly sensible way to get to know him. In all likelihood, their lifestyles won't be remotely compatible (police working all hours - night shifts, 12+ hour working days etc compared with a young 18 year old).

Trust her on this. She seems open with you, so don't make her feel like she's being stupid and that she can't trust you to reassure her or help her if it does go wrong.

Original poster
SueDunin · 23/09/2015 21:17

Thanks so much for your comments, a quick tot up looks to me like the scores are; 4 against - be mightily concerned, 8 for - trust her to make her own decisions.

I'm inclined to run with that. However, dh still knows nothing at dds request. So feeling the weight of responsibility, nothing unusual there!

Their first meeting is a lunchtime. And I will be a text/call away.

Also, sorry Shutthatdoor, I have stalked him on Facebook (not quite the office!) where dd verifies his photos and family names, also his occupation states the local police force. And his claim to be on a GB sporting team (can't give too much away or you'll all know him!) is also splattered all over the Internet.

Thanks again and watch this space...

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 23/09/2015 21:22

Wonder if his wife is on MN?

MistressChalk · 23/09/2015 21:22

You sound lovely and understanding OP and your relationship with your daughter sounds brilliant! I'm happy to hear you are on hand to rescue her if he is awful. Which I hasten to add he could be whatever his age!

My partner is 18 years older than me by the way and we are very, very happy together and both our families are too. Having parents that support me in my relationship choices means everything (plus they get on really well with DP because they have more things in common to talk about!).

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 23/09/2015 21:26

She's an adult. Let her make her own decisions. My dh is 17 years older than me, I was 19 when we got together. 10 years later we are still very happy together so it can work.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 24/09/2015 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 24/09/2015 07:35

I really don't get this "she's 18, none of your business" thing. Do you intend to cut your children off when they hit 18? Would you be less concerned for your dd than you would be for a friend who seemed to be making a rash choice and was asking you for advice.

AnyFucker · 24/09/2015 07:51

I would put money on him being married/long term partnered/shagging about all over the place

thehypocritesoaf · 24/09/2015 07:54

I wouldn't be thrilled.

Yes, I too am surprised at the number of posters for whom parenting and anny emotions/hopes/worries for their dcs happiness have stopped by the time their dc is 18.

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