14 year age gap. Thoughts please!

[SueDunin]

While out celebrating her 18th, dd met a 32yr old man She really likes him and plans to meet for coffee at the weekend... He told her, and my FB stalking shows, that he is a policeman. He knows her age. His texts (I've been shown them) appear normal. I daren't tell dh just now. Feeling a bit sick tbh.

Your thoughts and experiences would be gratefully received...

There's 11 years between me and DH I met him when I was 20. She's been incredibly honest and open with you so I'd trust in her to make the right decision on this one.

Me too Bertrand - I'm guessing the 'none of your business' crew don't have older teens.

I have a nearly 17 year old - yes she is able to make her own decisions and to a large degree date who she likes. I would of course value openness and honesty like the OPs daughter has done, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be concerned at my JUST turned 18 year old dating a man in his 30s.

Whilst she's living in my house and sharing her life with me it is my business - that doesn't mean I dictate what she can and can't do but I should be aware of what's going on and am entitled to an opinion. In my opinion whilst 18 year olds might be legally adults emotionally they still have a lot of growing up to do.

My dd has just turned 18 and the fact she can now do what she likes has no bearing on the fact I would be SICK with worry and asking her what the hell she thought she was doing.

Agree with Bertrand here in that it's certainly your business, even if your DD is 18. However, you probably can't do much, except be there for her when it all goes tits up! Make sure she is using protection as well. FWIW I Would be at that difference in maturity as 18 & 32 is still a big gap in terms of life experience. At 32 I had 2 children, at 18 I hadn't even gone to uni yet and spent most of time getting pissed with friends and doing my school work!!

Are you encouraging dd to tell her Df? I wouldn't be ok with keeping secrets.

I met my DH when I was 19 and he was mid thirties, we have been happily married for 17 years.
Not all men in their thirties are married and just after a long as some posters have alluded. In fact it was me who pursued my DH.
If my mum had tried to split us up based on our age gap I think the only troubled relationship would have been the one between me and her. At 19 when I met my DH I was mature enough to already be working full time and had already bought a house (with a mortgage).

Voices of wisdom, a little support please?

Having met, and spent a couple of hours chatting, with this 32yr old policeman 3 weeks ago dd(18) met him a week later, he took her to a uni open day then out for lunch. They got on well, she really likes him. They've been in constant text touch since then, a week ago, and plan to meet this coming weekend at his for takeaway and 'sleep over'.

I can't talk to anyone about this, dh still knows nothing- I have to respect dd on this one. I'm blessed that she's so honest with me.

She loves that communication with him is intelligent and lacking in sleaze or teenage sexual innuendos. She's had her fill of that. She knows what's most likely on the menu this weekend and prepared for that but also says she feels confident, if not ready, that he'd respect that. (She's not a virgin but only had one, long term relationship, sexual partner).

I would really like to meet him this weekend but she's awkward about suggesting that to him. However, when they met for lunch he had wanted to take her to a family BBQ that afternoon. She had plans though.

Battening down the hatches as I expect a torrent of shocked responses to my 'laid back attitude'. All responses needed x

I think you're doing great. And she sounds like a sensible lovely girl.

I wouldn't push for a meeting - I imagine you wouldn't if he were 18 - so try and treat for now it as if it were just another new fella (and that it might not last long)

I would hate it though - so sympathies.

You sound like you are doing all the right things by your DD. But if she is just 18, she's still at school right? This is what makes me think - why on earth would a 32 yr old man want to date someone who is still at school, whose life must revolve around exams and friends and teenage interests, even if your DD is a bit more grown up than her peers.

Have you seen the film "An Education?" Classic line at the end after the relationship has gone tits up, where the girl says to her parents something along the lines of "silly school girls are always being seduced by glamorous older men but what about you two?" I'm not saying your DD is silly but she is very young. Don't be too keen to be complicit in allowing her to be swept up by the glamorous older man.

All you can do is what you are doing now, I am impressed that she has been so open with you and clearly trusts you implicitly. As you have been able to verify some of this man's life and presumably don't think he is a dangerous predator maybe that can give you some comfort even if it's not the ideal situation.

Is dd still at school? I only ask as SDD once dated a slightly older man, 24 to her 17/18, in the last year of A levels. Exciting (if dramatic) relationship with someone living a totally adult lifestyle coupled with the fact he was not based locally did make for a very stressful year and her schoolwork suffered. Fortunately it all came to an end in time but not without a lot of upset and fragile teenage emotions being damaged. Nothing you can do to prevent such a scenario but she sounds like a sensible girl who is not doing this as some kind of rebellion but because she genuinely likes him. You can't stop her getting hurt but you can be her rock.

FWIW I think you are doing the right thing and the most important is to keep those lines of communication and support open with your DD. If this turns into a relationship there is probably going to come a point where DH will have to be told. You need to talk to her about it, but you sound so non-judgemental I am sure you can handle that!

I met my now dh when I was 18. He was 28, that age gap sounds scary but now we are 28 and 39 it doesn't sound half as bad. I think you just need to get to know him before you make judgements.

I went out with a 32 yo teacher when I was 17. Didn't last long because the age gap was just too big. Had my DPs interfered I may not have realised that myself.

She is 18. There is nothing you can do nor should you.
As other pp have said - that age gap does sound big now but who knows they could be together for a very long time and I dont think it'll seem half as bad.
When I was 18 I had a relationship with a 36 year old. (I'm 28 and happily married to another man with almost 2 dcs - if this baby will ever get out of me (40+2)

He was lovely, very kind, dashing (I think all men look good in their 30's/the older they get) and he was incredibly romantic. He had never been married (he is now divorced - twice) and now has 3 kids.

My parents who are/were 9/10 years older than he was respectively didn't get involved I dont think they really cared or were that bothered and as these things do it just kind of fizzled out on its own. We are still friends though. Just let what's happening happen. It sounds as though you have a very very good relationship with your daughter (I dont know any teenager that lets their mum see their texts) so she'll more than likely come to you if she needs advice...

Also 18 isn't a cut all ties age its a undo the apron strings and allow a person to have their new found independence.

Thank you ladies (and gents?) I really do feel a great weight lifted.

Yes, RoyTucker, still at school and wearing braces!?! She likes that he's not mentioned them as most boys do: you'll be really pretty without those braces etc!

Thanks Hypocratesoaf, you're right, I absolutely shouldn't 'need' to meet him!

And LadyMac, her previous 18mth long relationship was torturous. The bf, 14mth younger than her, has extreme depression with suicide attempts that she tried supporting him through. Her GCSEs and own mental health really suffered. I'm hoping she's learnt some lesson on separation of work and relationship. Impossible hope I imagine!

Thanks all x