Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Where does my son legally stand?

40 replies

kg80 · 23/08/2015 08:58

Hi I'm new here and really need some advice.

My ds is 16 and has just got his gcse results, he did really well (in my opinion) but unfortunately didn't get the C in English Language that he needed to stay on at his grammar school sixth form to do his A levels (he got a D), so after hours of searching/comparing our local Academy will take him, they can't give him all of his choices due to the D but they have given him 3 of the 4, a different one that he has chosen and are going to put him back through his English Language gcse. The problem I have is his dad has parental responsibility that he gained through taking me to court, at the same time I got a residency order and he got a contact order (but as far as I am aware these 2 expire when ds turned 16, but the parental responsibility stays in place till ds is 18), ds dad doesn't want ds to attend our local Academy as he feels that it is not that good and has said he needs to look in to ones that are in the area that he lives in regardless of whether they can offer him the courses he wants to do (we have looked at these and on the ofsted report they are either listed as inadequate or good, the local academy is listed as good). Ds has told me he doesn't want to go to the ones that are local to his dad as he knows his dad will try and persuade him that he should live with him and he doesn't want to do that.

Where does ds stand in legally making his own decision regarding his education? From my point of view he should be able to study what he wants to study at a place he is happy to study at, this is his future, not mine, I've had my chance to make my choices so has his dad, it is now our place to guide and advise, not dictate and manipulate.

Does his dad have a right to prevent ds from attending the sixth form of his choice?

If I signed the consent form to say ds can attend sixth form can I get in trouble legally for signing without his dad's permission? Even though in my eyes I am supporting ds and his wishes.

I'm so confused and don't know what to do, I have tried googling but none of the information is consistent, I only have a few days to get this sorted out and I want to do it right.

OP posts:

acatcalledjohn · 23/08/2015 09:04

Don't know but wanted to bump for you. There'll be plenty of people with more knowledge. Maybe also post this in legal.

VivaLeBeaver · 23/08/2015 09:04

Your ds is 16. He can get married, he can decide to leave education and do an apprenticship. I really doubt his dad can make him attend a different sixth form.

Just tell your ex it's not happening and keep repeating this. Don't get drawn into long discussions. Good luck.

UrethraFranklin1 · 23/08/2015 09:05

Just go ahead and do what you and Ds want. The onus would be on your man to bring a legal challenge, which wouldn't get anywhere because the child is practically an adult whose wishes wouldn't be overruled in this scenario.
Its a non issue, he can say what he likes, he can't actually do anything.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2015 09:07

Could you check on the Coram Children's Legal Centre website?

www.childrenslegalcentre.com

balletgirlmum · 23/08/2015 09:09

Can your ds sign the forms himself?

It never occured to me that parents got any choice in what their child did after the age of 16. What a ridiculous situation. It harks back to the days of parents forcing their children to leave school.

Original poster

kg80 · 23/08/2015 09:42

Thank you so much, I didn't expect to get so many replies so quickly, I will definitely post this in Legal too (now I've found out where it is lol).

I'm of the opinion that ds needs to be able to make his own decisions now, it's his life and he needs to be able to live it how he sees fit but unfortunately his dad is not like that, he dictates what ds can wear while he is at his house and how he has his hair cut, he is not allowed to wear 3/4 length trousers and t-shirts with prints as neither him or his wife like them, he is not allowed to use his mobile phone "like a normal teenager does" while at his dads, it's all about control and manipulation with him and it's the reason I objected to him having parental responsibility in the first place, the man even used bribery in a solicitors letter! Everything has to be on his terms or it doesn't happen, we've managed to stick it out this long (went to court when ds was 3) and thought that when ds turned 16 it would be easier, but it doesn't look like it will be as he's even applied for ds's driving license and registered it in his address (even though according to HMRC he resides with me) and booked ds in for his CBT even though he has said he doesn't want to do it. It's so frustrating!

OP posts:

balletgirlmum · 23/08/2015 10:12

Woah! Surely he has broken the law applying for a driving licence in someone else's name?

Original poster

kg80 · 23/08/2015 10:43

His dad applied for it online and got ds to sign it while he was staying there for the weekend, ds didn't realise that it couldn't be registered at his dads address as he hadn't looked into the rules and regulations of having a driving licence because he was not interested in having one just yet due to not wanting to ride a moped, unfortunately having a driving licence registered in the wrong address can result in a £1000 fine.....and I can make a pretty good guess over who would have to pay that!

OP posts:

UrethraFranklin1 · 23/08/2015 10:45

You know your son doesn't have to go to his dads house at all if he doesn't want to? At 16 any court ordered contact is worthless, no-one can make him.

EduCated · 23/08/2015 10:47

On the driving licence, it's very easy to change the address, just a matter of phoning them up and paying £20. New one gets sent to the new address. If he did want to change it.

AgathaF · 23/08/2015 10:51

If your son has his driving license now, can he just notify DVLA of a change of address to your house?

summerwinterton · 23/08/2015 11:06

yep - just get form D1 and send it off.

Original poster

kg80 · 23/08/2015 11:14

Hi and thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I know that ds doesn't have to go to his dads house and have informed ds of his rights, he is sitting there at the moment googling his rights at 16, it is difficult for him as he doesn't want to upset neither me nor his dad but he also wants to start making his own decisions, ds is so easy going and I can honestly say that if my other 2 boys turn out like him then I will be truly blessed, I understand that he feels a loyalty to both of us and wants to please both of us, I have told him that as long as he makes his own decisions then I am happy and both myself and his stepdad will support him regardless, but his dad is the complete opposite and ds is starting to feel the pressure from this, he knows that he will have to stand up for what he wants but it's hard to try and pluck up the courage when he has spent so long being controlled by him, over the years I have tried myself and am just thankful that we had such a tight contact order set out otherwise things would have been completely different, I know I need to grow a bigger backbone when it comes to this man but he is completely impossible!

We have looked in to changing the address on his driving licence but unfortunately it is currently at his dads house, I don't know if he will let him bring it here, ds is meant to be going there for an extended weekend thursday evening so I will have to wait till he comes home on the tuesday morning.

OP posts:

OutToGetYou · 23/08/2015 11:25

I wouldn't worry about the fine - they are very rarely imposed and your DS could make a case for being resident at both addresses anyway. But he can also just apply to change the address on it.
It's especially not a concern if he's not even driving as it tends to only be if you are stopped by the police.

I would say as pp, he doesn't need to go to his dad's now if he doesn't want to. His dad has no say in where he goes on to his further education.

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 23/08/2015 11:29

Report the licence as lost, and change the address for the replacement.

balletgirlmum · 23/08/2015 11:34

The ironic thing is that the more your ex pressurises & tries to control ds the more he will be inclined to rebel & cease contact completely.

Your ds sounds like a kid to be proud of.

Original poster

kg80 · 23/08/2015 11:53

I don't want his relationship with his dad ruined but I do understand that there will come a point where ds says "no more", I know that I will get the blame for it all but I don't care as long as ds is happy.

I am very proud of him, he is kind, smart, loyal and incredibly funny, he will sit there playing the guitar to his youngest half brother (17mths) because it makes him dance and laugh, he will help his younger half brother (10yrs) with his maths homework if he is stuck, he does all of this because he wants to, not because he is asked, I do wish that he wasn't placed in this difficult position as it is heart wrenching as a parent.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 23/08/2015 11:57

Your ex sounds horrible. Can you report the driving license as lost?

Can't your son sign the college forms himself?

PLUtoPlanet · 23/08/2015 12:05

Does your local Academy have a welfare office, or a teacher/admin person who advises on grants? Perhaps that individual would have some advice on residence issues, student benefits and so on. After all, 16 years old is a tricky transition legally: they must have seen this before.

Original poster

kg80 · 23/08/2015 12:44

As far as I know there is someone who can advise on grants and they have a very good student support structure in place, I can't find out any more information about them until we go there tomorrow to collect the admission forms.

OP posts:

AgathaF · 23/08/2015 15:11

We have looked in to changing the address on his driving licence but unfortunately it is currently at his dads house, I don't know if he will let him bring it here - gosh, what a controlling man he is!

I second other posters that say report it as lost and get a new one with his current address on it.

It sounds to me like it is time for both you and your son to start to stand up to his father a bit, although I appreciate that will be difficult. He really shouldn't have that amount of control over a 16 year old. He can only continue to do so if you both let him.

Original poster

kg80 · 23/08/2015 16:01

Thanks AgathaF, It was ok the whole time the contact order was in place as there was only so much he could ask for/expect and with me holding the residency order it gave me extra reassurance but now both of those have ended I know he's going to try pushing every single boundary that he can, I have tried standing up to him on numerous occasions, sometimes there would be a small victory and sometimes a loss, but it didn't matter what the outcome was, it was the fact that I challenged him!

OP posts:

wannaBe · 23/08/2015 16:09

report the licence as lost and get the address changed that way.

Your ds is old enough now to be in control of his own life, support him to make the decisions he needs to. Legally your ex has no say any more, legally your ds doesn't actually have to go there at all as children have the legal right to decide where they live from the age of fourteen, although the courts will take their wishes into account far younger than that.

Sign the forms yourself and let your ex waste his money on challenging it legally, he'll be laughed out of court.

AgathaF · 23/08/2015 17:35

The thing is that your DS and his dad are moving into a new stage of their relationship now, whether your ex likes it or not. Your DS is becoming a young man and will rightfully want to do certain things his own way now. If your ex fails to accept this then I fear that their relationship will not survive this transitional stage, however, that's up to him to work out for himself. As long as your son knows that you will support his decisions, allow him to make mistakes along the way (as we all must do), and be an advocate for him when necessary where his father is concerned then I'm sure he will do just fine. I would just ignore his dad's blustering as far as you can and get on with your own lives.

PLUtoPlanet · 23/08/2015 19:19

Do get the educational business sorted out before you do the driving license, though. If you make too many changes at once, he may just go after you... both! and your poor DS may be forced into an immediate and complete rupture, rather than a mature evolution of his relationship with his father!

If he's only 16, surely he can't use the license yet anyway... or have things changed since I were a lass?!

Flip

1 2