My 18yr old daughter is way out of control

[jojo7401]

My 18 yr old daughter is driving me crazy with stress and worry. Shes thrown everything possible at me in a few short years. Shes done and is still currently doing the drugs (meow,coke,speed). She drinks all the time. Shes recently walked out on her job to go on a month long "bender". I have phone calls all hours of the night off her saying shes stuck miles away with no money,so I have to sort out pick ups. Last night (5.30am) was the most recent. She was in hospital having broken her knuckles fighting! The police have brought her home on several occassions in a drunken state. Ive tried everything possible to help her. Councelling,doctors,Ive had her arrested,tough love,support etc but nothing seems to get through to her! My whole life is controlled by her actions. She`s making me ill but I simply dont know what to do with her anymore.

Jojo, I was just about to start a thread about my DD18, but you beat me to it! I don't have the problems that you do with the drugs, but I hope someone will come along and advise you soon. I'm here with you!!

Kick her out.

While you are there to pick up the pieces and enable her she'll carry on doing it. Take away her safety net and let her hit the deck. It doesn't have to be forever, just for now.

If you feel enable to do this then stop taking her back when the police bring her home so she's
Forced to spend a night in the cells and stop going to pick her up.

That must be so stressful for you.

Where does she get the money for all that? Do you think she steals it?

Everything gamer said.

Are there any support groups I. Your area that you could attend. Something similar to Al-anon?

*in your area

*unable

I've had the "kick her out" advice from a few people; but what will that actually achieve? Me, worried sick at 3 in the morning wondering where she's sleeping! She wants us to kick her out to confirm to herself and everyone else that we're terrible parents for abandoning her when she's so vulnerable!

I don't know what I would do with ds, but I do know when I was acting out like this at 16, my mum threw me out. I went to live with dad and soon wised up. Do you have a relative or friend who could have her for a while, even a weekend, so you can have some space to breathe and relax?

Sorry, OP, I'm hijacking!!
I'm also bumping for you!!

I wouldn't just kick her out, but if there was somewhere else she could live I'd grab the chance with both hands.

If I hadn't went to live with dad, it would have been gran. The woman who told me that if I wasn't home by 9 anytime I stayed with her when I was 16, she would lock me out. Which she did one night, I only stayed out until 10! She went to bed and left me locked out! That was a scary night until I got lucky and realised that she hadn't locked the kitchen window and I was able to break in. No mention of it the next morning (how I got in) just a look at me then the window.

If I'd been sent to live with her I'd have wised up sharpish. Strict wasn't in it. She kept telling mum I was walking all over her. And I was.

I agree, Imperial! The OP kicking her out while she has all these substance dependencies can't surely be the answer?!
And yes, we all know she's 18, but it's not a magic number that suddenly turns you into an "adult"!!

It's great if you have a friend or relative for them to stay with, but there's plenty of us living in the sticks with no family around, and who's friends live in already over-crowded homes.

My parents could have written your OP about me when I was 17, even down to the drugs and broken knuckles They did kick me out, after I asked them to several times! I didn't change until I fell pregnant at 18.

I do have a few suggestions before kicking her out.
Confiscate her keys, or change the locks. She comes into your home if she meets the following conditions: no drugs in the house, and must be in a reasonable state.
Curfew is, for example 10pm, after which the doors are locked, and any disturbances outside after that time may result in police being called. You have the right to sleep soundly. If you have a shed, put a mattress and blankets in there so she has shelter, and maybe a bottle of water too.
You need your sleep, so will put your phone on aeroplane mode at 11pm. Any hospital or police calls will have to wait. If it's an emergency, police will knock your door, but you don't have to mention that to her. Do the same while you're at work if you're being disrupted there too.

If you do reach the point where you need her to leave permanently, write her a letter that she can present to the council, but state her problems and insist she is considered for supported living for young people. It's not ideal, but at least there will be staff. Make it clear that you won't hide the reasons and you will speak the truth.

Don't allow yourself to reach rock bottom. Whatever happens, all is not lost. I'm typing this from my mums kitchen, in spite of my criminal record that I gained in my late teens, I've worked in good positions of responsibility, supporting difficult teens alongside police etc. My DS is the same age as your DD, and while he can be an absolute sod, he's a breeze compared to me at that age, and I completely understand why you haven't kicked her out so far, it's because she is your child still, but you do need some boundaries and to command some respect

If overcrowding is a problem, you could do a dc swap with a friend? You mind hers for a weekend, if she minds yours? It does sounds like you need a break of some sort from her.

Yes to everything FeelTheNoise said!

I think the enabling behavior needs to stop. If she walked out of her job then she's going to run out of money quick. No doubt she will phone or turn up. I would agree to help her if she complies with the following conditions:

No drugs
If she's getting drunk she finds another place to sleep as to not disturb you- if she get's herself arrested or hospitalized due to her drunken state you will not come to her rescue.
She gets a job or goes to school.

It then doesn't become a case of you abandoning her- you have a welcoming home as long as she's following the rules of your home. If she choses not to follow them then she is old enough to start taking care of herself and dealing with the consequences her behavior brings. It is tough love. She will either obey, leave and fall on her face then come back and obey, or she will leave- fall on her face then grow up and learn how to adult the hard way on her own.

Please don't kick her out completely. You don't want to know what "rock bottom" for a vulnerable 18yo girl who uses drugs looks like, and neither does she.

Detach as much as you can. Let her cool her heels in a cell if she does get picked up by the police, at least she is safe.

Have a bottom line of no drugs in the house.

And wait it out. She will come back to you, or she will decide for herself to go and make her own way, either up or further down but you don't have any control over that process.

I am sorry. It must be hell

Do you have any idea what has caused/triggered this behaviour?

Did it start suddenly or has she always been 'difficult'?

I don't think you can even at temp solutions until you know the cause.

I tend to agree with AF. I've known quite a few drugs users over the years who slept rough / in squats / and so forth and they were all blokes and older than 18. I did have a friend who was female who slept rough in a park for a bit when we were 16. It's a long way down to rock bottom and for lots of people there is no "up". I know people who died for eg. My female friend did have sex with some men in return for drugs. I think young people can be easily manipulated really and, well, I think an approach like FeelTheNoise sounds better really, rather than just kicking her out.

OP, has she been in any kind of residential rehab? At least she could clean up and she'd be in a safe place?

Id be wondering what has triggered this. Is there any chance she may have been abused?

Shes always been a difficult child but nothing I couldnt handle. Her father tried committing suicide 4 years ago though,which resulted in him ending up blind and unable to walk or talk (we seperated before she was born). Since then,its been downhill with her. Ive taken her to speak to people,doctors etc but she just dont seem to want to help herself. Im banging my head against a brick wall. I really dont want to kick her out but her actions are affecting the rest of the household now. Her younger brother hates it when shes in the house because of her attitude and myself and my husband are constantly arguing over her. Yet she still carries on. Ive had her locked up for the night. I rang 999 to her myself and refused to allow her to stay in the house,thinking the shock factor might work,but it didnt. It just gave her something to brag to her friends about the following day. I have told her my phones going off at night from now on though,so if she gets into trouble then she has to deal with it herself. It dont allow me a good nights sleep though. Im still up worrying myself sick over her. She never brings drugs into the house. She always does it out with her "friends" and comes home to recover. Im terrified of kicking her out all together because I worry shes going to get worse with no kind of structure at all,but how much more can i or should i have to put up with before she destroys the entire family. I have family willing to take her in for a while but she refuses to go to them

Her father tried committing suicide 4 years ago though,which resulted in him ending up blind and unable to walk or talk

Fucking hell, I just did a massive < gulp> at that