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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Smart phones are the devil

42 replies

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 14:51

A word of advice while I work up my own courage. If you have young teens, keep smart phones out of their hands. Just the basics is all they need for you to be able to communicate with them. No matter how much they beg. Its easier to listen to that, than try to close Pandora's box. My eyes have popped open and realized my dd has completely disengaged from our family. She doesn't interact, is self-absorbed, cold, reclusive, and rude. We have lost any ability to influence her at all. Why should she listen to us, she has the world at her fingertips, strangers to confide in, groups of "yesfriends" to support her, a front seat at the biggest reality show ever? While her own judgement is not developed, she takes advice from other idiots whose judgement is also undeveloped. She has access to the most depraved, desensitizing material out there. All this at the end of her hand. We have provided a tool that invites ANYONE to dinner, bed, bath time, vacation, car trips, school and family gatherings. There is no need or desire to engage us. There are no hours of disconnect from the world to seek us out or respond to us. Our home is no longer a haven. So she walks past us as though we are invisible. Makes really stupid bad choices. Takes risks. Breaks our hearts.
And now? take it away? I'm terrified.

OP posts:

mrsdavidbowie · 17/08/2015 14:53

My teens don't behave like this.

GummyBunting · 17/08/2015 14:56

You sound unhinged.

SoupDragon · 17/08/2015 15:04

M? teens don't behave like this.

I don't think your problem is the smart phone.

sillygiraffe · 17/08/2015 15:44

I agree with you OP. Unfortunately a lot of teens cannot self regulate with the technology and it gets totally out of hand. My dd is the same

LynetteScavo · 17/08/2015 15:50

DS1 has had a smart phone for several years, and I honestly don't think it's had any effect on his behaviour.

Yes, you should know what your DC are accessing on the internet, and teach them how to stay safe.

Saying you are terrified of your DD is quite worrying.

cdtaylornats · 17/08/2015 16:30

With a smartphone you put more computing power in their hands than sent men to the moon. You allow them access to a library, instantly. They can carry their music, phone, notebook, books, camera and maps with them. Why wouldn't you want them to have that? Being without that access will put them at a disadvantage against their schoolmates.

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 17:24

so now what? any success stories of making eye contact rather that staring at the top of their bent heads?

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 17/08/2015 18:27

You tell them they need to look you in the eye when you are talking to them, and show you some manners.

It's nothing teenagers with smart phones don't know....you just have to remind them occasionally. The same as if you were talking to them while they were watching TV, or or reading a book.

Or is this about your DDs behaviour, rather than the smartphone?

Georgethesecond · 17/08/2015 18:30

You set rules right from when you buy their first one - no screens at dinner, out of their rooms at bedtime, look at me when I am talking to you.....

Or you move to one of those Amish communities?

derektheladyhamster · 17/08/2015 18:32

I don't recognise any of the OP. I have 2 teen sons, they have smartphones.

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 18:49

It's about both behavior and phones. And yes all of the rules should have been set from the outset, but the technology wasn't there at the outset. Life got away from us. We were distracted by other major events, deaths, other children, etc. I am ashamed. One day we looked up and realized she slipped away emotionally. Now I need to figure out how to intervene after the fact. I don't think she will be as compliant now as she might have been from the beginning. And I am older and tired. Just need some support and advice. Straight talk

OP posts:

mollymai41 · 17/08/2015 18:53

Dd addicted to hers! I thought much of her behaviour was hormones then her phone broke. In the two weeks it was being fixed she was quite delightful.

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 18:56

I dreamed I stepped on it. and ground the screen under my foot. mmmmm

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 17/08/2015 19:03

Honestly? Sounds like you are blaming the smartphone for a whole lot of distracted parenting over the years. It's a symptom, not the cause.

Ledkr · 17/08/2015 19:09

How long has she had it?
My dd was the same and I posted on here not knowing what to do.
I tried everything and felt life has become a huge battle.
Then suddenly she stopped!!
She uses it daily but is no longer obsessed or on it sneakily late at night etc.
I still have lose rules but she seems much more able to regulate her use now.
If I were you Id put a limit on its use, say it goes off at a certain time and then just either block her from the modem or turn it off.
If she can't comply then cancel the sim until she can.
YOU are the mummy!!

Ledkr · 17/08/2015 19:15

I truly believe that some kids can be more rational about them than others.
DS was like an over excited puppy with hers.

Travelledtheworld · 17/08/2015 19:46

I sympathise thejourney if creeps up on you doesn't it ?
My DD 17 bought her own and is pretty sensible about using it but I am about to have a battle with my DS 16 who does not have a phone at all but is obsessed with gaming in his laptop.

Although some of the other posters have been very rude to you, I do agree you need to set some limits now.

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 19:50

Honestly Patricia, that was the point of my post.
Thanks Ledkr and others, She is 16 and has had a phone for about 3 years.
She has only had a smart phone for a this past year and oh how she has changed. Old phones were easier to monitor. anyway I am going to take a deep breath and plunge. Inspect the phone, make rules and so on.

OP posts:

Georgethesecond · 17/08/2015 19:51

The technology was there at the outset, if she is sixteen. This is about behaviour not technology.

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 19:53

Truth be told, don't be fooled by removing phones. They can do all of that on all of their devices. games, ipod, kindle, tablets. I will update on the outcome when the dust settles.

OP posts:

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 19:59

what I meant was we didn't have the modern phones. We had the old dinosaurs and didn't update every opportunity. It's only been in the past year. Sorry I wasn't clear. I am not attacking technology, just the misuse of it. I do realize the problem is not the smart phone, but the utter freedom from monitoring.

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 17/08/2015 20:05

I'm with you. Maybe we realised a bit earlier than you did so have tried to impose a few rules now.
But when I posted about it, no one else really felt late night conversations in her room and texting were an issue.

titchy · 17/08/2015 20:06

Not sure you should be monitoring a 16 year old tbh. Asking them to treat their home and family with respect yes, and consequences if they don't, but don't blame the tech - YOU let her behaviour standard slip. It's perfectly possible to have pleasant polite teens who have smart phones and don't submit them for inspection.

Mintyy · 17/08/2015 20:11

Can you (and the other posters who agree) please be a bit more specific about what the problem is and what those of us with younger teens have to worry about?

Are you talking about porn or grooming or what?

It all reads like something from a novel or a drama script at the moment.

Original poster

thejourney1 · 17/08/2015 20:30

The problem is: being unable to be without the phone day and night. Recent discovery of inappropriate material on the phone. (utter shock and desire to vomit) and complete disengagement with family. Peers over family. And believe me I take full responsibility and the guilt is terrible. But now I am trying to do the right thing and in order to keep from grabbing her by the neck and shaking her like a rag doll, I need a place to vent, hear advice and other parents that have been through this situation.

OP posts:

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