Smart phones are the devil

[thejourney1]

A word of advice while I work up my own courage. If you have young teens, keep smart phones out of their hands. Just the basics is all they need for you to be able to communicate with them. No matter how much they beg. Its easier to listen to that, than try to close Pandora's box. My eyes have popped open and realized my dd has completely disengaged from our family. She doesn't interact, is self-absorbed, cold, reclusive, and rude. We have lost any ability to influence her at all. Why should she listen to us, she has the world at her fingertips, strangers to confide in, groups of "yesfriends" to support her, a front seat at the biggest reality show ever? While her own judgement is not developed, she takes advice from other idiots whose judgement is also undeveloped. She has access to the most depraved, desensitizing material out there. All this at the end of her hand. We have provided a tool that invites ANYONE to dinner, bed, bath time, vacation, car trips, school and family gatherings. There is no need or desire to engage us. There are no hours of disconnect from the world to seek us out or respond to us. Our home is no longer a haven. So she walks past us as though we are invisible. Makes really stupid bad choices. Takes risks. Breaks our hearts.
And now? take it away? I'm terrified.

What inappropriate material? How's school, job, relationships with friends etc? Have you actually talked to your dd and told her your concerns? Take her for lunch or shopping.

Teenagers are predisposed to disengaging from family and seeking peer approval - it's a biological requirement to develop independence. Don't catastrophise a pretty normal developmental stage. And don't blame the smartphone - she'd probably be a stroppy mare anyway.

in·ap·pro·pri·ate
?in??pr?pr??t/
adjective
not suitable or proper in the circumstances.
"there are penalties for inappropriate behavior"
synonyms: unsuitable, unfitting, unseemly, unbecoming, unbefitting, improper, impolite; incongruous, out of place/keeping, inapposite, inapt, infelicitous, ill-suited; ill-judged, ill-advised; informalout of order/line; formalmalapropos
"children's access to the Internet may expose them to inappropriate material"
:)

Ah right, so you don't actually want any concrete help, just to write inane and nonsensical ramblings. FWIW I and others asked what inappropriate material, not what IS inappropriate material. We're adults - we know what inappropriate means.

I'm off.

For dd it was the total absorption in it.
Being unable to do homework, get ready to go anywhere in time, even took it into the bloody toilet.
At 12 I asked for phone to be off by 9 as she needs to get ready for bed and also late screen time stopped her sleeping.
Every night was a battle to hand over the phone. If I left it in her room she woukd be on it at midnight.
I went to bed angry and upset every night for weeks.
Tantrums Id never seen befire just for asking her to come off for dinner or bedtime.
As I said though, she eventually self regulated.
She realised she needed sleep and that late screen time gives her insomnia.
Such a relief.

I actually do want help and conversation. I just think inappropriate material that would shock a mom and make her want to vomit is enough information. I am going to have a conversation with her and set rules. I just dread it.

ledkr, so glad it worked out for you. I worry about what can go wrong with so much access to her, and the total absorption. How long did it take for your daughter to self regulate and did you stay with trying to set limits till she did?

I did carry on setting boundaries but involved her more and more in setting them and had calm conversations with her about why.
It is harder for yiu though because she is 16. Do you pay for her phone? Her wifi?
If she is using IT inappropriately then stop paying for it.

OP, have you been drinking? Your posts are rambling and concern me.

I have two teens, with smart phones, who don't behave as you describe. However we have had rules and monitoring from day one when they started on DS consoles and PS2's.

It's very difficult for teens these days....or maybe it always was. It's also hard to be the parent of teens! Don't be too hard on yourself, you're dealing with the issue now and that can only be a step in the right direction.

Tilliebob, I don't drink but beginning to think I should.

It is the addiction problem. Some people are easier to get addicted to these. For boys, it may be games. One friend?s DS is addicted to the games, so quit the jobs and stay at home to play games all day. Although you may not believe, sometimes, parents are so powerless on these situations.
I think , for OP, may be you can try to discuss with her about the damage you see, limit the time she can use the phone ( agree a reasonable time first). And also, it cost money to go online unlimited, isn?t it? Is there a way to cancel the unlimited online usage?

I agree with cloud and ledkr

They're addictive. Dopamine hits from comments, likes etc. The brain becomes desensitized to dopamine with the result that other activities that would normally produce dopamine go unnoticed.

Not only that but it's their social life.

18YO DD still overuses her phone but less so than previously. She got a basic smartphone when she was 14 with a limited contract. She asked for an unlimited contract for her Christmas when she was 16 and we stupidly let her have it. She loves her phone - the cover a friend bought for her, her personalised lists of stuff. The camera on it.

Btw universities now communicate almost completely electronically and DD's (specialist) uni instructs its students to check their phones four times a day.

We tried to get her to cut down on her use for lent but she wouldn't consider it. She admits to being addicted.....

I might explain to her about the dopamine effect again.

The only advice I have is for you to agree with her about what a marvellous thing it is so that she doesn't feel you're just 'old and out of touch' and explain or show her a video about their addictive nature and the effects of the addiction.

But don't demonise or make too big a thing out of it - you don't want her using her phone as a way to rebel against you IYSWIM.

Definitely no phones on the table at mealtimes.

If she's agreeable to you being a fb friend that might be useful - but don't comment on her posts until she's at least 18.

I'm going to delay the use of smartphones too. Having the entire internet in the palm of your hand at a young age is opening a can of worms.

thank you thank you thank you!! It is an addiction, and I want my child back. I want to be the one that influences her moral code, not the internet. I appreciate the support from you all. I will use your advice to make a plan to engage her and reduce her phone time.

The difficulty is that she will see her behaviour as 'normal'. IME your DD's behaviour is quite common, but excessive (obviously)

She mustn't think you're criticising her though.

Also if you (understandably) want to influence her moral code you will need to be prepared to listen to her opinions without passing much judgement. You need to appear unshockable (easy to say of course) otherwise she won't tell you anything as she'll expect you to be annoyed or withhold info to protect you. And be sympathetic to the challenges faced by today's teenagers. In other words, let her know you're on her side. Apologies if this is irrelevant to your situation but I sometimes wonder if some teens get the impression that their parents disapprove of them in general or are disappointed in them or that they will only be loved/liked if they behave 'perfectly'.

This sounds awful, but I learnt a lot from reading tweets sent by a group of teenagers who are a year older in a different school. I know that's an underhand thing to do and I felt like a creep, but it was an eye-opener as to the language and topics of conversation used by (some) teenagers online. I never listened to my mum's advice because I was stubborn and I thought she was completely out of touch with my generation. I didn't want to be the same with my teens.

Rogue you are right and very relevant. I have 2 other older dd and learned the "game face" when they talked to me. And I learned no matter how late, how inconvenient, I would listen raptly when they came in at night or any other time to chatter on about whatever they had on their minds. I worked really hard to not be shocked, be quiet and listen. I took opportunities to "plant seeds" of things to think about. Keeping it short and not preachy. Btw, their ancient phones didn't work well at home and didn't have all the fancy internet stuff. But 3rd dd never seems to want to talk. It's straight to the bedroom with her phone to share the night events with her friends. She acts as though stopping to speak is killing her. Her phone is the first thing she checks in the morning, keeps it with her getting ready for school, has it by her side all times at home and goes to bed with it.
This is going to sound so stupid, but what exactly should I say to open the conversation about limiting her phone use? Is a big fight inevitable?

my DD is exactly the same. I think she has Facebook depression if there is such a thing. we had a terrible time as she was groomed. she now isn't allowed internet access all night. I turn off the router remotely.she was angry at first but now she's got used to it. she cannot self regulate and can't see how horrid she is.

I absolutely hate smart phones.

Could you get her siblings on side thejourney1? She might take more notice of them.