Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do you think you are too wrapped up in dc's lives

40 replies

sillygiraffe · 15/08/2015 10:36

I think I am too obsessed with dc's and what is going on on their lives and what they are doing. Particularly dd who is the one who gives me all the grief. My whole life seems to revolve around her and whatever she is getting up to and I feel its unhealthy as it affects my life so much, usually in a bad way. Its all so complicated and the range of emotions I go through on a daily basis is crazy.I just want her to be happy and safe and I find it so difficult to step back and not judge and interfere. DM says she thinks I am disappointed in the way did has turned out, as she is not the perfect obedient child etc and maybe that is right. Dd is an argumentative, opinionated, lazy, entitled little sod with no sense of danger or consequences and I am sick of the constant atmosphere and occasional blow ups. Ds is completely different. I don't know what to do about myself and I don't know why I am rambling on but I have to change as its driving me nuts. Anyone got any suggestions other than to stop being pathetic.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 15/08/2015 10:42

I think parents in general are much more wrapped up in their DCs lives than our parents were.

Personally, I am much more anxious about DD as she is just not as resilient as DS. We are pretty easygoing parents, but I am now making a conscious effort to step back. It is hard because I worry about things falling apart for her.

mrsdavidbowie · 15/08/2015 10:45

I'm not.
They're 16 and 18.

Finola1step · 15/08/2015 10:47

How old are your dc?

AnyFucker · 15/08/2015 10:50

I used to be (mine are late and mid teens ) but for the last couple of years I have somewhat detached and I feel better for it

so do they

currently, I am away for the weekend with dh and they are at home....it's great

Whathaveilost · 15/08/2015 10:53

Sort of!
I've got a teen of 18 and one of 15. The older one has a girlfriend and spends a few nights of the week at hers but we see him most days after he has finished work. With DS1 I go to the gym with him twice a week, the cinem maybe twice. Month, sometimes gf comes with us if she fancies the film. We go to gigs as part of a crowd, including his dad.
All his mates come round and are welcome. He helps his dad at work when needed and he comes on holiday with us but that is only twice a year now.

We spend more time with DS 2, that probably due to his age. he only comes on holiday a couple of times a year but that is because it clashes with his fixtures.

I know there friends, they lt me know where they are and I have been able to contact them when needed.

I would say therefore yes I am involved but in a healthy way. They have a lot of activities that we support them with but they do come to us for 'chats'

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 15/08/2015 10:55

You don't have to engage in the arguments. 'Come back whe you are less grumpy/more thoughtful/ can ask nicely' ... I also say that tone won't get you anywhere with me..... How she treats you is up to you, she will treat her friends differently. Yes they are lazy!! Close the door. She wans money to go anywhere, suggest she earns it, sort the socks, mop the floors, etc. she'll be fine.

OccamsLadyshave · 15/08/2015 11:03

Yes I know this feeling. I am really trying to step back. She is still only 13 but really does need more space than I was giving her. I made a real effort this school year just ended (Y8) to back right off from homework etc. It's been much better.

This thread is very timely as I logged on to start a new thread about what DD could spend her time doing, as she has barely taken her eyes off youtube all week.

Time to back off and leave her to fill her holiday time as she sees fit (after she's cleaned the bathroom obviously!)

Trifle66 · 15/08/2015 11:15

I'm on my own with a DD17 who has high anxiety and health issues. She needs a lot of support. I find it very hard not to engage in her dramas as she will ask me to help her. her stress levels also affect her health which means she can't do things. I feel like I'm running around treating her like a prize race horse.
I'm going to try to start backing off. It's going to be hard as I have friends who have healthy high achieving DC and they seem to helicopter around them too. I'm finding the teenage years much harder.

Original poster
sillygiraffe · 15/08/2015 11:29

Ds is 18 and is very sensible and easy going. He even gives me advice about dd when things get out of hand. Dd is 16 and tbh I have spent a lot more time with her over the years as she used to do a lot of sports which I took her to 4 or 5 times a week as well as many weekends. Maybe its because she is a girl. That's really sexist, I know. With ds it would be "I don't think you should do whatever, or you should do whatever" and he would say OK. Whether he took the advice is another thing but with dd we get "you can't tell me what to do or I'm not stupid" or loads of backchat resulting in arguments etc. I find it so difficult to step back.

OP posts:
Original poster
sillygiraffe · 15/08/2015 11:38

Dd would never come to me for a chat. I am too old fashioned apparently and know nothing about life today. I am only good for lifts and providing food which she eats on her own whenever she deems to turn up.
I have stopped talking about all this in RL as people are fed up with me going on about it and think I am making too much out of it all. My mother included - I have stopped talking to her about it all and tbh its not fair on her as she wants to think dd is perfect. If she only knew the half of it!

OP posts:
TheHouseOnTheLane · 15/08/2015 11:46

My sister was like you OP and eventually it turned out that she was suffering from depression. It manifests itself in different ways...over the years she's had a few periods of a couple of years of it....the first time she got depressed she was anxious about her physical health...constantly thinking about it....seems it was her brains way of showing the depression.

Then when her DC were a bit older, she began to obsess about her son....she got some medication and is much happier.

mrsdavidbowie · 15/08/2015 12:09

trifle my dd is like that. Now I no longer go to the doctors with her and refuse to engage with some of her ocd issues, its so much better.
Her brother does the same and her histrionics have decreased.

Original poster
sillygiraffe · 15/08/2015 18:25

It's definitely my problem and the way I handle things and worry too much. My dc's are not doing anything really bad, seems like dd is not unusual in her behaviour but how do I change. It really helps me to talk about it, hence being here, but as I said folks in RL don't want to hear me banging on all the time about what dd has done now! What can I do to change and get through it without resorting to medication. Alcohol helps Grin

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 15/08/2015 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clare1971 · 15/08/2015 20:35

Alcohol only helps if you are the one drinking it. Once your DC's start drinking it it gets a whole lot worse. [slighty-guilty-set-a-bad-example-and-now-paying-the-price-emoticon] Blush

Clare1971 · 15/08/2015 20:37

And yes - I'm much too wrapped up in their lives. Working on that one.

Earlybird · 15/08/2015 20:42

Do you have interests and friends of your own?

Do you work outside the home?

It is easy to be obsessed if most of your waking hours are spent thinking about / doing things for your dc.

bigTillyMint · 15/08/2015 20:50

Bunbaker and sillygiraffe, I feel your pain.

I think it is really hard for those who have not had any issues with their DC to appreciate how difficult it can be to step back from some teens. Managing difficult babies/toddlers/schoolkids seems a breeze in comparison to a needy or difficult teen.

MrsDB, DD seemed greatly pleased when I told her that she can go to the GP's on her own now she's 18. Not that she's been in years, but I will hand that one right over to her!

sumoweeble · 15/08/2015 21:41

Teenagers can be truly hellish! You are not alone. And Clare1971 is so right that drinking (and weed) makes them even worse.

Psychotherapy might be helpful for you, I think, from what you've said. It's particularly invaluable for things that you can't talk about as much as you'd like to/need to in RL, for whatever reason because it gives you a protected space to discuss your concerns with someone neutral but empathic and really focused on your needs. And psychotherapists love people who want/need to change. It can be expensive but it's so worth it when it's good, ime.

YeOldeTrout · 16/08/2015 05:05

There's a bit in that book (Take me & Alex to town but get out of my life first) about how (in adolescence) boys retreat & don't communicate while girls hyper-engage & ARGUE (which means girls are more obviously defiant) which can make the girls harder to parent. So I don't think you're being any more sexist than the psycho-analysts who wrote that book.

My girl loves to tell me all about her social life which I feel slightly daft for enjoying so much, she can argue unreasonably too.

My lad lets people (everybody) down which is a lot more stressful over all than the daft tantrums of the girl.

Original poster
sillygiraffe · 16/08/2015 09:40

I can't justify spending so much money on therapy. I'll get through it like everyone else does and will take the advice of the lovely mnetters on here who are experiencing similar issues or have done in the past.

OP posts:
Acatcalledfluffy · 16/08/2015 14:18

I am far too wrapped up in dd's life as well. It's so hard to keep quiet and not comment on everything they are doing and get wound up in case they are in danger etc. We have to let them just get on with it. I think you probably know this already OP. I have a dd who also tells me nothing so I have to quiz her about what's going on which annoys her immensely
. If you can try and step back it really does make a difference. (I usually last about 2 days before I lapse but I am trying). I also have to realise I am not her friend and she does not have to tell me everything.

rogueantimatter · 16/08/2015 15:06

If it's any consolation, I've started several threads about quite trivial things to do with my teens. Often I even acknowledge it's trivial but start it anyway.

The frustration is the killer. Maybe this time, hopefully now, etc etc.....

I work very part time and only in term time (mostly because of slight chronic health problems) so I have much more time than most parents of teens to mooch around thinking about my teens. I sometimes wonder if we'd all be happier if I was out more....

I'm more involved with my DD (who's older) than with my younger DS. I'm so much better at resisting telling him why things are a bad idea and letting him find out for himself.

In most ways my teens have been fairly easy, but oh my are they stubborn - default setting is 'No' or to refuse to think about whatever.....

lemonstartree · 17/08/2015 16:38

Im not, I think my mother was, and is, over invested in both of her children. It was awful, and still is a problem that she wants to know loads of stuff I dont want to share. She judges me +++

Im pretty involved with DS3 (10) but less with DS2 (13) and even less with DS1 (almost 17) Thas Im there, I feed them , Im interested, I offer advice - if asked - I wash and cook for them - but I dont torture myself about their lack of school work or friendship squabbles - I help if asked /needed and listen, but I have my own life which I alos pursue

Bunbaker · 17/08/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread