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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Feels like I'm losing my DD and I'm so sad :(

34 replies

CambridgeBlue · 06/08/2015 20:25

I know that sounds dramatic and I'm getting things all out of proportion but I don't know what to do.

DD is just 13 but has changed so much in the last few months. She's got a boyfriend (who've I've met and liked, it's all very innocent) and her friends have become so important to her. She's out almost all the time this holiday and when she's here she's texting or messaging him/them. We're due to go on holiday tomorrow and she's out now which is fine because I know she'll miss them but I wonder if she really wants to come with us at all. I e looked forward to this holiday for months but now I almost wish we were t going.

Don't get me wrong she isn't behaving badly, in fact she's pretty good, but we've always been close and now I feel so excluded from her life. I can't bear the thought that she won't need me any more but I know if I say anything I'll either make her feel bad or push her further away.

I'm also finding it hard not to snoop by looking at her phone and am always checking her FB and Instagram, I tell myself it's because I'm being a responsible parent but it's just as much for the chance of a glimpse into her life that I feel I'm not part of any more.

I have been feeling low all week and am in floods of tears again now, I am going to ruin our holiday at this rate. I need to get some perspective and stop being so irrational but I don't know where to start :(.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2015 20:32

I dont know what to say really youseem really sad about her growing up it happens to us all just take this chance on holiday to spend time with her and enjoy yourself and when you get back make a date once a month to do something together, and find something else to occupy your time keep snooping to a minimum.

Elllimam · 06/08/2015 20:32

She will come back again. As a young teenager I grew away from my mum but within a few years we were as close as ever. Just keep the lines of communication open and try to do things together.

patterkiller · 06/08/2015 20:33

They do mostly come back, honest. Dd1 is 16 now and went awol with friends for a few years. I had access to her social media passwords but didn't snoop unless I felt it necessary and only with her permission.

This week she sent me a Facebook friend request. Yay. I feel like I have been invited back into her world.

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2015 20:36

They do come back dd1 took me for dinner tonight granted it was nandos but was nice to be with her.

slippersmum · 06/08/2015 20:55

Oh I get this totally. my eldest ds and I have a really great relationship but he is growing up and I am losing the little boy who I shared the most wonderful years with. He is happy which is what I want of course but I so miss who he used to be and what we used to have. I have noticed some parents seem to feel this more than others. Bet we would be a psychologist s dream!! So no advice just a hug and I totally understand how this feels.

Original poster

CambridgeBlue · 06/08/2015 22:04

Thank you :) I know I am being ridiculous. She's got to grow up and I'm glad that she's surrounded by such a nice group of friends. It is just hard when you've been used to being such a big part of their life - now I am just a source of cash, lifts and beauty products! We do get on really well the time we spend together so I guess I should be grateful for that and it's good to know this hopefully wont last forever.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2015 22:06

And i bet she will have a great holiday with you

WandaDorf · 06/08/2015 22:22

Oh Cambridge I'm right with you. But I've just returned from the holiday you're worried about - so hopefully your experience will be just like mine. It was great, different to other years (hotel WiFi meant DD still in touch with friends!) but my lovely little girl is turning into a lovely young woman with every passing year.

It's inevitable, but that makes it no less difficult.

SavoyCabbage · 06/08/2015 22:27

When you are on holiday, take the opportunity to do something that is just the two of you. Have fun together.

TurnOverTheTv · 06/08/2015 22:27

She will come back, I promise my oldest is 15 now and has a great little gang of friends, they are so much fun to be around.

Psycobabble · 06/08/2015 22:29

Your not being ridiculous ! Even though they obviously are going to grow up it just seems to happen so quickly!!!

TurnOverTheTv · 06/08/2015 22:30

And if you can manage it, try to go out just the two of you once in a while. We normally have a cinema/dinner night once a month

CamelHump · 06/08/2015 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinktrufflechoc · 06/08/2015 22:31

Hugs.

She'll come back. You have lost her as she was and its normal to grieve but she will come back beautiful, confident and wonderful and you will realise you did that and be so proud.

mangoespadrille · 06/08/2015 22:31

They do come back. I was that girl, at 18 I asked for a holiday with my mum as my special gift. Also, as a teacher I see so many girls aged 12/13/14 who "hate" their mothers, by the time GCSEs/A Levels roll around mum is the first person they want on results day, regardless of the outcome. Allow her her freedom now and she'll "return" to you when she's ready.

Mrsjayy · 06/08/2015 22:32

I dont think you are being ridiculous either

gamerchick · 06/08/2015 22:35

Ahh they came back. She's right on track to get her growing up away from her parents going. This is the part where you hope all of the teaching, guidance and lessons before hand come into fruition... Reaping what you've sown type of thing.

Just keep lines of communication open and a healthy interest in her life. She sounds like she's doing fine having a solid base behind her. God job.

TawnyPippit · 06/08/2015 22:36

There was a really resonant comment on Modern Family, when the mother (of two teenage girls) said it was like sending off a satellite, and it passes round the back side of the moon and you have to keep faith that it is still on the right orbit and in full working order and hopefully you then start hearing faint pings and one day it comes back into the light and full communication mode exactly where it should be and fully functioning.

I know what she means.

sarahsnail · 06/08/2015 22:37

I feel the same about my DS he's 13 too, it feels like he doesnt need me orc want to be around the family anymore.
BUT when we went on holiday last modified th he was a totally different boy, he loved to be with us even got along with his younger siblings and came for cuddles ...... then back home to the phone, friends and ipad and all is the same again lol. I'll just have to wait for our next holiday.

meerschweinchen · 06/08/2015 22:38

My dc are younger, but I remember being at horrible at 13! Good at school, polite etc, but pretty vile at home

I'm really close to my Mum now though and tbh honest I always have been. I just went through that teenage angst phase of thinking "noone understands me!"

Don't think your daughter doesn't need you though. She definitely does even if she doesn't say so, and obviously in a different way from when she was tiny.

You might find that away from the distractions of friends and boyfriends etc you have a nice time on holiday with the chance to spend more time together.

TuTru · 07/08/2015 09:02

I totally feel your pain. Xx

Bunbaker · 07/08/2015 09:16

At least she has got friends. At 13 DD had had to put up with bullying at school, with said bully sabotaging all of her friendships. Then last year her boyfriend dumped her and sabotaged the friendship group she had built up. She has rebuilt her friendships and her self esteem has improved, but is still very fragile.

Be pleased that your daughter has got lots of friends as it will help her build up self confidence. It's awful having to deal with a sad and lonely teenager with no self confidence at all.

You need to start focusing on your life and build up other interests. You can't live your life through your daughter.

rogueantimatter · 07/08/2015 09:58

Good advice IMO.

Also, to keep the channels of communication as open as possible drop everything when she does want to talk and try to never appear shocked or too judgmental.

Sometimes slightly older teens can get the impression that all you care about is how well they do at school or keeping their rooms tidy/whatever so make a point (it sounds like you do this anyway) of being pleased about your DD's social life. Tell her to have fun when she goes out etc

Ask her about her life! Not in a who did what when? type of way but what it's like for her to be on fb instagram, whatsapp WeChat etc. Who is her favourite teacher and why? What does she think the biggest challenge to the global population might be? etc Not all at once obviously. Really listen and try never to rubbish anything she says that is clearly very immature.

Sounds like your being a great mum. And very honest - I didn't confess to trying to snoop (unsuccessfully) on my DC!

Ledkr · 07/08/2015 10:01

I feel similar too.
We are just at the end of our annual 3 week holiday in france and she mostly been great company apart from the odd bit of cheek!
She has joined in with all the holiday stuff, swam in the sea for hours, danced with me at the club and mooched about with me in flip flops shirts and no make up.
She's checked in with her mates via wifi but apart from that shes been pretty family oriented.
I have 3 grown boys so looked forward to the mum daughter thing and so far it's not the bed of roses I imagined

BareGrylls · 07/08/2015 11:42

I do know how you feel and as everyone says they do get better. To be absolutely honest though you never get back that feeling when they were little of unquestioning adoration and need that you feel from little ones.

Also you shouldn't feel bad about keeping an eye on her at just 13 it's still your job to be the parent. Think of it in a similar way to toddlers. Young teenagers can be unreasonable and when the stamp their feet or demand things you think they shouldn't have it's still your job to say no.

What I have learned is to be happy that they are happy. To feel glad when things are going right in their world. To do my best to guide, advise and teach them how to be independent and achieve their dreams.

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