Feels like I'm losing my DD and I'm so sad :(

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I know that sounds dramatic and I'm getting things all out of proportion but I don't know what to do.

DD is just 13 but has changed so much in the last few months. She's got a boyfriend (who've I've met and liked, it's all very innocent) and her friends have become so important to her. She's out almost all the time this holiday and when she's here she's texting or messaging him/them. We're due to go on holiday tomorrow and she's out now which is fine because I know she'll miss them but I wonder if she really wants to come with us at all. I e looked forward to this holiday for months but now I almost wish we were t going.

Don't get me wrong she isn't behaving badly, in fact she's pretty good, but we've always been close and now I feel so excluded from her life. I can't bear the thought that she won't need me any more but I know if I say anything I'll either make her feel bad or push her further away.

I'm also finding it hard not to snoop by looking at her phone and am always checking her FB and Instagram, I tell myself it's because I'm being a responsible parent but it's just as much for the chance of a glimpse into her life that I feel I'm not part of any more.

I have been feeling low all week and am in floods of tears again now, I am going to ruin our holiday at this rate. I need to get some perspective and stop being so irrational but I don't know where to start :(.

I think it can be hard, but do consider the alternative which would no doubt upset you more: A daughter with few friends, who is sad lonely and overly reliant on you for friendly social interactions.

One of the bittersweet parts of being a parent is the fact that are role (from the moment they are born) is to train, support and nurture them to the point where they no longer "need" us. This is as it should be, count your blessings that you have a happy and socially competent DD who "doesn't behave badly and is pretty good".

Enjoy seeing her relish life, you cannot own your children, maybe find a new hobby, interest or challenge for yourself that helps to fill the gap.

*are = our

Update - we are heading home from holiday today and it's been a pretty good week. It has done DD and I the world of good to spend some time together and although we've had a few cross words when she's being gobby or brattish (I'm not going to let her get away wth being rude just to get her to like me!) we've also had some really good times. I've made an effort to spend some time doing things she likes - from messing about in the arcades with her to letting her cook tea twice - and she seems to have really enjoyed it.

She has spent quite a lot of time with headphones in glued to her tablet but to be fair I've had my head in a book a lot of the time. She has also been in touch with her mates a fair bit but it hasn't been intrusive and she actually opened up enough to show me some texts from one boy telling her he liked her which touched me very much. Mind you I got shouted at for 'going on about it' when I asked about him again a few days later!

I feel a lot better about things and although I'm sad we're going home I think the time away has been valuable to us all. I think the next few years are going to be tricky but I feel a little bit more able to cope with them now!

Thanks again for all the wise words :).

As the mother of an 18 year old about to go to uni.....sounds like you have a great relationship.
We never had a close relationship when she was 13-16 for various reasons and she had lots of difficult friendship issues due to severe anxiety
But now it's come full circle and she is a beautiful, talented young woman who is about to embark on a huge adventure.
Enjoy your freedom..you will be there for her but it is wonderful seeing them become independent.
I can't wait till she goes to uni next month as she will have so much fun..and DS and I need some time without her!!!

Sounds like a nice holiday even if you did go on about the boy

I have two early/mid teenage DSs and same issues here.

One thing I do try and do is get them away from social media for part of every day and make sure they do activities outside school. Not just a life of school plus sofa surfing with snapchat and text.

In the end social media is going to be part of their lives but it can dominate and is not emotionally healthy. Teens need perspective and they cant control the social media blizzard. I took a look at DS1 phone the other day. Hundreds of messages. Mostly drivel.

He lost his phone earlier in the holidays and he bought himself a new one last week but really hasn't missed it that much and anyway has an ipad. He has been spending too much time on social media and not doing project work his teachers set him for holidays. In the end I took his phone off him and will give it back in two weeks. He had a melt down but now actually seems happier. He can still chat to mates on ipad but it refocussed him a bit and he is doing a lot of excercise, some work and chilling in the afternoon. Seeing friends out in town or here at home once a week.

You need to support teens from a distance and set boundaries still. They will 'hate you' but actually secretly want them as they dont have emotional maturity. Boyfriends/girlfriends thing can be a sort of 'everyone has one so I have to have one as well'. DS1 is 15 now and has friends who are girls and some are quite sweet on him but he doesnt want a girlfriend.

Its tough but you still have to be a parent. Make sure they have access to good wifi on holiday, let them contact friends, give them some freedom but insist on some family time too. No gadgets at mealtimes.

Hmm, yes, I get it. I feel wistful about 13yr old DS, but I am also happy to see him become more independent.

Children do not belong to us, we (parents) belong to them. I think.

Is it true? They leave you alone and stop climbing on you/ babbling at you/ saying MUM MUM MUM MUM in the manner of Alan Partridge?

THANK FUCK

I much prefer teens to toddlers