A bit of HOPE for those really struggling with their teen (and hello from flow4 to any old-timers still around!)

[flow4]

I haven't been here for a long time - almost two years, probably. I'm just passing through, but I thought I'd post a message that might give some hope to those of you currently struggling with a really difficult teen...

Between about 2010 and 2013, I had unbelievable problems with my DS, who was about 14-17. Just about every major problem you can think of, short of death, getting someone pregnant or going to jail... Truancy, under-achievement, school exclusion, smoking, drug abuse, going AWOL, stealing from me, criminal behaviour (or as near as dammit), arrests, arrests following me phoning 999, abusive behaviour towards me... I tried everything and nothing much seemed to work... I started lots of threads and made hundreds of posts over those years, and got some great support and advice (and very few judgmental fools)... I learned lots and hope I gave some good advice too...

My 'headlines' were things that remain excellent bits of advice, albeit perhaps unfashionable: detach emotionally - it's not personal; some of them seem to need to behave appallingly, in order to grow up and away; look after YOURSELF, especially when things are tough; if you've got a 'challenging' teen, you can't control them - your only hope is to help them learn to control themselves ; you can keep your influence even when you lose your control; and this shit WILL pass.

I left MN because I had some serious health issues, and these are ongoing... But I can see that fewer people are posting about really difficult teens these days. I very much doubt that this is because teens have suddenly become less challenging, so I guess that it's because there is a sort of 'rolling stone gathering moss' effect: there were a few of us back then posting about serious problems, so we broke the taboo, and gave each other the confidence to share our experiences. Personally, that was incredibly important for me... I'm thinking of you (if you're still around) Maryz, Cory, MuchBrighter, Brightspark and many more. Thank you all. :)

Two years on, DS1 is now 20, and still not the Perfect Boy. BUT...

He stopped being aggressive and is still living at home.

He stopped being a total arse and getting involved in criminal/near-criminal activity.

He stopped taking M-CAT and the other drugs that were making him crazy (though he does still smoke cannabis, and it does IMO contribute to some depression).

He stopped hanging around with the people who were still being total arses.

He got enough GCSEs to get into college, got a Merit in his level 3 qualification, and got himself a university place (though he has now decided not to go - and I think that's the right choice for him, at least for now).

He got himself a job, where he has now been working for 2 years. He does it well and copes with getting up at 5am some mornings and not getting home til 11:30pm some nights. He has never been late. He is well-regarded.

He knows this job is not his future, but he doesn't yet know what he wants to do with his life... But he is engaged rather than disengaged, and I now feel sure he'll find his way, just later rather than sooner.

Also, DS2 (now 15) - who has watched and learned a lot from his big brother over the years - hasn't used that learning to become an arse himself... Instead, he is a pleasant, bright, articulate, challenging-but-polite, mostly co-operative, A/A*pupil, with lots of friends and interests... I often think 'Thank Goodness', because I don't know if I could have coped with doing all the difficult stuff again... But also, it proves to me what people with just one difficult teen sometimes never know: it's not you, it's them. That guilt can be terribly disempowering, sometimes.

So, for those of you who are currently struggling... THERE IS HOPE!
Best wishes to you all. :)

Thanks Cleo14. Yes it does help to know that we are not alone!

And to prove that point, something a bit weird/concerning happened last night, which made me feel proud and hopeful about my son.

I'd picked him and a friend up from train station and just got home when another friend of my DS (not a close friend I don't think, he's never had him here) turned up at our door. I heard my son mumble 'go home' and shut the door. But as I went to lock up, I heard some scuttling and someone opening the letter box. I found one of my son's friends slumped in our door frame. He was completely out of it.

My heart was racing by this time, I had two younger ones upstairs in bed, and my son was getting really annoyed with his friend. His friend was begging to come in and stay, begging me not to call his mum, I didn't know if he was just utterly drunk or if he'd taken drugs.

I took him in whilst trying to phone his mum/dad. My son was raging because I'd let him in the house. He said 'go back to the gutter where you belong'. And he told his friend we're either calling your mum or the police.

It was so lovely to see my son so level headed and clear (despite the rage at his friend who had by now told me to fuck off when asking for his mums house number), the disgust at his friends state was clear and that he didn't want it anywhere near his family.

His parents finally phoned back and I managed to cajole the boy into my car and drive him home. He was sobbing, he didn't want to upset his mum anymore and that his dad would hit him!! I said if he hits you, you must tell someone! Then he said my son had stolen his girlfriend. To which my son replied later, 'yes after he cheated on her with five other girls'... Gosh, too much drama for my adrenal glands

But the point being made, any family can have issues with their children. His parents are both lovely people, good jobs, beautiful house, seemingly happy together, adores their only son (not sure about the dad hitting though. My son has said that his friend has said that before...)

In a perverse way, it felt nice for once not to have the drama focussed on my child for the wrong reasons, but to see him clear headed, strong and disgusted by the drunkenness on our doorstep.

God help us through this horribly worrying times, it's a nightmare - but we are not alone

Nice story alvah (for your son, not the other boy!). After endless threats about cutting ds's phone off, I've just did it- had enough!

Good luck Cleo. I hope it goes well!

I wasn't here when you were. but I thank you for your positive input, much needed and much appreciated.

Well I spoke to soon. My own son reeked of beer when I picked him up yesterday night. Have the teens around here gone utterly and completely mad?!?? Getting randomly drunk on a week night, its bad enough that they drink at the weekend

He wasn't aggressive drunk, like he is sometimes, but drunk enough for me not to be able to take his friends bag off him which he admitted contained more drink!

I feel so weak and cowardly, that I am unable to stop my son self destructing; 'It's the holidays' 'My life is shit, so I thought why not...' 'I was home on time wasn't I, you should be happy. ' I can manage, I know when to stop'. 'it takes the pain away...'

When I said 'you can't drink because you feel shit, that's what alcoholics do. Not young bright boys like you!'

'Sorry, mum'.

I'm off to his doctors appointment which he refuses to attend. The family worker hasn't replied to any emails this week...
When will he agree to see someone to talk to about his pain

Hello everyone. It has been almost a decade since I made this post (gulp!) and my two DSes are both grown and flown… but I was pulled back to MN by someone thanking me for a comment I wrote in 2012 (!) so I thought I’d pop in…

I want to offer words of hope, comfort and encouragement to parents of teenagers who are off the rails right now - like mine was all those years ago.

Hang on in there. These awful times will pass. Most troubled and troubling teenagers grow up and grow out of it.

Meanwhile, get as much support as you can find, and don’t listen to the smug parents who want to judge you - they simply do not know what it is like… I really hope there is still a corner of MN where parents who are struggling with difficult teens can get and give each other support.

Help your teenager develop their moral compass: keep up the messages about what you think is right and wrong, even if you can’t control their behaviour, even if they don’t seem to listen, and even if they carry on behaving like idiots. That sense of right and wrong does seem to seep in somehow!

Last but not least, look after yourself. This is more important than we realise at the time, I think, because if we don’t look after yourself, we unintentionally teach our kids that we ourselves don’t believe we deserve care and respect. And we do!

A decade on, my once-difficult DS1 has created a stable, responsible and happy life for himself. He has worked, hard and consistently, since he first started… He has got himself some qualifications… He has a long-term relationship (5+ years) with a strong, capable and loving woman. And best of all, he has become a father! I love this last fact most of all, because a lot of his own troubles when he was a teenager were because his father was absent/a dck… But he has broken the cycle, and used what he learnt from his father as an example of the parent he didn’t* want to be… He is glowing with love and happiness, and a useful citizen, and I couldn’t be prouder.

Don’t give up hope: THERE IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

Sending all the struggling parents best wishes and strength.

Such great news and I hope you are well too. We are entering better days after four years similiar to yours and then some. Can i just ask how did you cope with the worry that the old times will return . i fear that my stress of the awful awful times returning are damaging our relationship as I don’t totally believe the behaviour won’t return- and i appreciate to the teen that isn’t fair

Thank you so much for this thread @flow4 , it's just what I needed to hear, having come out for a tearful walk to clear my head! Wonderful that your son is doing so well no, you should be proud of yourself for helping guide him through those difficult years. Single-parenting teens is beyond anything I could have imagined in terms of worry and sheer overwhelmingness!

Yes, I absolutely understand that worry @allwillbe and remember how overwhelming, debilitating and even frightening it was at the time.
I’m sorry to say that in my experience, the thing that heals is time. There was a year or so when my trust and respect in my son were badly damaged; and then probably a couple more where I had occasional flashes of panic that we were back to the “bad old days”…
I dealt with it by trying to manage my stress, rather than manage my expectations about my DS… The more I distracted myself, and looked after myself, and did things like go swimming or go for walks, or chat with friends, the less consumed by worry I was!
Eventually, enough time will have passed that your son will have (I hope) ‘proved’ himself, and you will have healed a bit.
Good luck!

Yes, it’s really tough @Barnowls !
One of my favourite theories is that the teenage ego grows so big, that a single parent can’t ever convince a teenager that they are wrong - that’s hard enough even for two parents with a united front!
But eventually they do (mostly) grow up and realise that you are a human being, and a person with needs equal to their own!
Hang on in there, take all the support you can find, and really really look after yourself. it’s 99.9% sure that it’ll all turn out okay in the end.
All the best!

what a lovely thread, thank you. I needed to see this after another special occasion/family dinner ruined by fighting and harsh words this week. Not to be confused with Mothers Day/ Fathers Day/ Birthdays and other important occasions over the last few years! I despair sometimes. So this came at a good time for me personally. Thank you.

Thank you again. Mine has moved out, very young, but seems to be doing much much better emotionally and physically and I am doing what you say and looking after myself. I keep my fingers very firmly crossed that this mostly upward trajectory continues as she is still my very loved child. Thanks again and so happy that things got better for you .