A bit of HOPE for those really struggling with their teen (and hello from flow4 to any old-timers still around!)

[flow4]

I haven't been here for a long time - almost two years, probably. I'm just passing through, but I thought I'd post a message that might give some hope to those of you currently struggling with a really difficult teen...

Between about 2010 and 2013, I had unbelievable problems with my DS, who was about 14-17. Just about every major problem you can think of, short of death, getting someone pregnant or going to jail... Truancy, under-achievement, school exclusion, smoking, drug abuse, going AWOL, stealing from me, criminal behaviour (or as near as dammit), arrests, arrests following me phoning 999, abusive behaviour towards me... I tried everything and nothing much seemed to work... I started lots of threads and made hundreds of posts over those years, and got some great support and advice (and very few judgmental fools)... I learned lots and hope I gave some good advice too...

My 'headlines' were things that remain excellent bits of advice, albeit perhaps unfashionable: detach emotionally - it's not personal; some of them seem to need to behave appallingly, in order to grow up and away; look after YOURSELF, especially when things are tough; if you've got a 'challenging' teen, you can't control them - your only hope is to help them learn to control themselves ; you can keep your influence even when you lose your control; and this shit WILL pass.

I left MN because I had some serious health issues, and these are ongoing... But I can see that fewer people are posting about really difficult teens these days. I very much doubt that this is because teens have suddenly become less challenging, so I guess that it's because there is a sort of 'rolling stone gathering moss' effect: there were a few of us back then posting about serious problems, so we broke the taboo, and gave each other the confidence to share our experiences. Personally, that was incredibly important for me... I'm thinking of you (if you're still around) Maryz, Cory, MuchBrighter, Brightspark and many more. Thank you all. :)

Two years on, DS1 is now 20, and still not the Perfect Boy. BUT...

He stopped being aggressive and is still living at home.

He stopped being a total arse and getting involved in criminal/near-criminal activity.

He stopped taking M-CAT and the other drugs that were making him crazy (though he does still smoke cannabis, and it does IMO contribute to some depression).

He stopped hanging around with the people who were still being total arses.

He got enough GCSEs to get into college, got a Merit in his level 3 qualification, and got himself a university place (though he has now decided not to go - and I think that's the right choice for him, at least for now).

He got himself a job, where he has now been working for 2 years. He does it well and copes with getting up at 5am some mornings and not getting home til 11:30pm some nights. He has never been late. He is well-regarded.

He knows this job is not his future, but he doesn't yet know what he wants to do with his life... But he is engaged rather than disengaged, and I now feel sure he'll find his way, just later rather than sooner.

Also, DS2 (now 15) - who has watched and learned a lot from his big brother over the years - hasn't used that learning to become an arse himself... Instead, he is a pleasant, bright, articulate, challenging-but-polite, mostly co-operative, A/A*pupil, with lots of friends and interests... I often think 'Thank Goodness', because I don't know if I could have coped with doing all the difficult stuff again... But also, it proves to me what people with just one difficult teen sometimes never know: it's not you, it's them. That guilt can be terribly disempowering, sometimes.

So, for those of you who are currently struggling... THERE IS HOPE!
Best wishes to you all. :)

It's funny, I have been thinking about posting something similar to you flow4.

Although my DS wasn't in trouble with the police or using drugs, his behaviour had been difficult since he was a toddler and as he grew bigger it didn't improve. I had to remove him from mainstream education at 15 and didn't know what to do. He was very troubled.

I was in desperation many times and got loads of support on here.

Moving forward to yesterday - I was walking past his bedroom and heard him on the phone, making arrangements for an interview for an apprenticeship.
I really never thought I'd see the day.

DS is 18 now and has matured massively. It's such a relief - he still has a way to go but I just wanted to say. ...This Too Will Pass to all of you suffering with a troublesome teen.

Another who remembers you flow4!

As a serial over sharing name changer you won't remember me but you were very kind to me when I was in despair with my now 17yo DS.

So glad to hear positive outcome.

I do agree with the view that there are a lot of sanctimonious posters who slate the parents. Very often they have small DCs and no concept of life with teens.

Well done to all of you who have come through it!

Maryz Thanks for that update and it sounds as through you got there in the end. I always followed your threads. Never needed them but I was always with an eye to "there but for the grace of God....." and I hope I was never sanctimonious.

I do remember admiring the fact that you used to post patiently and consistently to the same questions from new posters going through the same old problems. Sadly there is always a need.

Thanks for the update - its so good to hear. I got a lot from reading your posts (and yours Maryz). Does anyone fancy a new thread? I could do with some support and chat about my tricky teen.

Me too shells. I don't post on here about my ds but we are in the middle of a shit storm with no end in site _ maybe a thread in OTBT as a safe space for those of us going through hell. ?

I think most of those older threads used to be in teen mental health? A bit more private and less likely to get the judgey stuff than the general teens topic?

Hello flow4 (and MaryZ). Thank you so much for your posts over the years. And this - hopeful- thread.

I'm in a somewhat bad place with mine at the moment but I learnt so much reading through old threads of yours. Most of all, I learnt that I wasn't alone.

I don't post about my troubled teen because I know it would attract a lot of judgmental twats (mostly without teens ) and I'm just too fragile to deal with that sort of stuff.

Much love to you, my dear. And I wish you luck and healing with your health.

Isnt it peculiar - when our kids are little, we post all about the issue we are having with potty training, temper tantrums, friendship groups, bullying....then when thy get into their teens ....nada. DO all these parents who struggled become paragons of virtuous parenting and their children turn into lovely healthy teens without issues? WHy is there such a stigma surrounding troubled teenagers? We all know they can be trouble, but suddenly anyone that admits to it admits to being a bad parent.

WHen my son was going through some bad bad stuff earlier this year, several friends came out of the woodwork with horror stories of their own troubled teens, only when your own child kicks off do you hear about the issues. Why aren't we more supportive of eachother? Why arent we more honest and less judgemental?

This year has been so awful for me, I have been so devastated by whats been going on and with no real end in sight, I fear for his future and I fear he will have to stay here beyond 18. I dont like him at all. He has turned into the worst of men - a contemptable misogynist, a bully and a lazy slob. But he is my boy and I love him beyond reason.

A fabulous thread that gives hope to others that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I foolishly thought that when I had children, my parenting would be over by the time they were eighteen, but having listened to my sister and friends experiences I realise my parenting will only just begin. I hope your Ds continues to succeed.

Yes please Maryz - can you start a new one.

I have always liked your threads MaryZ.

It's hard when you don't like them very much.

It's also a very thin line between detaching and finding that there is thus no relationship/ no feelings at all. People say 'detach' quite casually , but it's actually a very difficult thing to do, for some. Or for others to find you've detached too much. Getting that balance is nigh on impossible.

Three cheers for you Flow and hurray for MaryZ. Your threads for support of parents with troubled teens have been so invaluable to me. As a PP said, these issues are hidden and not talked about openly.

My child has just royally screwed up his level 3 qualifications and is now looking for work. But am I bovvered? Not so much. Things are not where I thought they'd be or how I would have wished, but neither are they desperate or irretrievable. Most importantly they are NOT MY PROBLEMS and I have learnt I am not, and nor should I be, omnipotent in my child's life and decisions.

Chaise may I suggest you start with detaching from the outcome? This is where I began. I have done my best to support, advice, and admonish my teen with little success in achieving the result Iwanted. Inputs do not equal outputs unfortunately! And how I have eaten humble pie from when I was a parent of younger children, and believed that you reap what you sow.

I too struggled with the idea of detaching from a relationship but that's not what has happened. I have detached from problem solving, and assuming their problems my sole responsibility to resolve. I will support my child but I'm no longer going to work harder than them.

Sometimes I feel my competence in "sorting things out" has made things worse as they never learnt to do for themselves, but then again - stuff it!

Lovely to hear flow4 has good news to share. I remember your posts too as I am still here, three years later without much change. Except a lot of false promises and manipulative behaviour but situation still pretty gloomy. And s name change from me ... So I will be following this thread again. Thank you flow4.

Hello flow4, good to hear from you again.

DD was over yesterday from Uni for Sunday lunch, bringing friends and laundry. The slender joyful charming young woman at the table bore no resemblance to the 18 stone angry and cruel teenager of 3 years ago.

Still haven't cured her of licking plates or hogging the gravy though.

Maryz, was a new post started? I'd like to be part of it, I'm currently detached as clearly every other avenue I have tried is not working and I fear I'm losing my ds 15

How do you detach from the problem! I need some sort of mantra to keep me on track. If this is a situation I have to live with (and it looks like i do have to, for a while yet), I need to find a way to keep my own life from spiralling into despondency.

I'm also keen on a new thread, as I feel like I am loosing my DS 14 too...

I know I have to let him go in order for him to take over the reins of his life and who he is to become as an adult, but I do not feel he is safe.

Undiagnosed mental health issues (in my motherly opinion) such as depression/anxiety and possible Oppositional Defiance Disorder. In the last year he and friends have started drinking at weekends and smoking weed at times (unclear how often). This has escalated to refusing to come home at weekend nights, occasional sneaking out at night through his window, a drugs charge (possession of cannabis) after I reported him missing and they searched his room. A charge of vandalism when he was with a 16 year old who damaged a row of cars....

I have reported him missing twice, sent the police in to retrieve him from a party once, so he is known to them now. It has not been a good/useful experience though as they were unreasonably rough with him and hurt him in front of me I would rather like to phone an ambulance than police next time...however he gets very aggressive and lashes out when angry (especially when drink has been consumed).

He repeatedly asks me to let him go and to deal with his issues in his own way (he says me and his dad have destroyed him by arguing when he was little. I left his dad when DS was 5, with two younger siblings. Dad has similar issues as DS). However the way he is dealing with his pain seems to be to get drunk/stoned, and I obviously don't want him to go down that track.

Weekend nights consist of me being out looking for him, staying awake to make sure he doesn't sneak out, he'll come home drunk and aggressive, or he just won't come home...

I am completely and utterly exhausted.

I have asked for help for years. But only now since his attendance has dropped to 50% at school, are they taking things seriously. We have a family worker involved and my sons youth worker at school (for a year and a half), social work are keeping an eye and now with the charges I expect we will be working with youth justice...plus GP is involved.

I manage to detach sometimes, and it feels good. I sometimes go out and lie on the big trampoline in the garden and look up at the stars, letting the tears stream, voicing my worst worries to the starry sky. It always makes me feel better and I often feel like I am reminded that I can only do so much. Knowing that I don't have to solve these issues all by myself feels good. Although detaching can be very hard when I feel he so badly needs help which he is refusing to receive...

Sorry, ended up a long post...

Alvah, my situation in parts is similar to yours- it's very very hard and most of the time just now it's like an emotional roller coaster for me. It sounds like the right services are getting involved but your right, unless your ds wants to engage with them they might not make much of a difference. Sorry I don't really have much advice but it helps me to know that I'm not alone and that these behaviours are much more common than people think