Having a hard time dealing with the unrelenting selfishness of dd16

[sillygiraffe]

Just feeling sorry for myself and need a rant. I just dont know what to say except she is so self obsessed, lazy and unfeeling towards her family it is quite upsetting. She is also quite rude and disrespectful towards us. She barked at DH tonight and he has had enough now.

Its my fault she is lazy as I just did everything for my kids and never really asked them to help out much at home - I regret that now. But as for the rest of it, we did not bring her up to be like this and ds was brought up in exactly the same way and he is totally different - maybe also bit lazy but very caring, unselfish and lovely.

She cant see anything wrong in the way she is either and we cant seem to have a conversation about it as I am seen to be just "having a go" at her all the time. When will it ever end? Its wearing me down.

So, end of rant and moving forward to another day of treading on eggshells in our house.

I am sure she will be delightful.
My thoughts, feelings and actions were so irrational but at the time I really thought that I knew more that any dumb parent could ever hope to know! Anything that my mother could have said or done would have resulted in seething resentment. However, I believe that her requests/demands/expectations for 'decent' behaviour, whilst rejected by me at the time, set a standard that I now live by.
My 2 are still pre teens so I have no idea how I will cope. My goal is to try and 'rise above' but maintain and communicate high expectations for their behaviour, regardless of their rejection of my standards!

I feel another rant coming. I couldnt possibly go into detail about what's been going on here with Dd but I am just fed up with it and trying to deal with it on my own. Dd is just so irresponsible. Immature, although she thinks she is so grown up and just does not think of the consequences of anything. That's a teen thing I know. Thinking they are invincible etc. A friend told me that you just have to let them get on with it and make their own mistakes but be there to pick up the pieces when things go wrong. Well fuck that! I am sick of running around and sorting things out.

I am torn! And of course I will always be there.

Rant over till next time

Oh god, all this brings back memories!

I remember shouting at my daughter, "I hope you have a daughter just like you!" and she yelled back, "Well, that isn't very nice!"

Ha.

For me it's my son! I try to give him everything I can and support him, plus taxi him around but just seems to have a lack of empathy! I have 4 boys altogether (16,13,11 & 6) I have just asked my husband to leave as I have had enough of his substance misuse that has lasted 12 years! I work 3 and a half days a week and have Been worried about childcare as my husband who doesn't work is expecting me to beg to him for help. I asked my son to help me but he has to finish Ncs this week so asked him to find out if he can help on Monday, he hasn't bothered to find out and is barely speaking to me now because he is annoyed he has to help me! He was away on holiday with a friend all last week, all I have become is a cash machine and a taxi and I don't even get a thank you he says it's my duty to do that stuff. I feel so lost at the moment.

Don't sweat the small stuff!

She's not pregnant.
She's not a drug/alcohol addict.
She's not dropped out of school.
She doesn't have a 'big bad' boyfriend.
She isn't being brought home by the police.
She isn't stealing or being violent.
She isn't ill or disabled.
She isn't being sexually exploited.
She isn't about to run off with the circus.

Just see this like a phase, like the terrible twos, lower your expectations.

Provide her with 3 meals a day, a made bed and clean clothes. Dont over parent her. Don't rise to the bait if she's cheeky.

It will pass.

Trying not to sweat the small stuff, I really am. Dd is so selective about what she tells me I just don't know for certain what she's up to. I have to interogate her sometimes to find anything out or resort to snooping. Oh the shameHas a bf whom I haven't even met yet but I don't think he is a bad lad. And she's no pushover so she can look after herself.

Don't interrogate her or snoop on her.

That behaviour's not on and would justify her being pissed off with you.

Lots of 16yos have bfs their parents haven't met.

You have to let go more. She isn't your baby anymore.

She keeps telling me she's not a baby any more but she's not so mature either judging by recent events which i wont go into. I appreciate all the advice and comments. Thank you

"He was away on holiday with a friend all last week, all I have become is a cash machine and a taxi and I don't even get a thank you he says it's my duty to do that stuff."

Ask him what his obligations are in relation to family.

I also have problems with my 17 year old daughter so understand what you are saying. Just a thought I have which I would be interested to discuss with anyone: How were young adults generations ago before 'teenage' culture existed? They left school at 12 / 14, hardly any had further education. They worked from a young age. Married young. Had the responsibility of a family. Lived through wars. Teenagers fought in wars. I assume they went from being children to young adults without our cultural 'teenage' phase. Do you think perhaps in our society we keep them as 'children' for too long? Interested in any thoughts on this.

Nature makes them abominable (for a while. in some ways. My wonderful, grown-up dd is on mn!) so that you can bear to let them go.

I am pregnant, have an 18m old and a 3yr old. They're really cute and cuddle me.
This thread should have had a disclaimer!!

I honestly think that the teenage years are much easier for all concerned if parents lower their expectations and don't ask teenagers to do chores or errands.