Having a hard time dealing with the unrelenting selfishness of dd16

[sillygiraffe]

Just feeling sorry for myself and need a rant. I just dont know what to say except she is so self obsessed, lazy and unfeeling towards her family it is quite upsetting. She is also quite rude and disrespectful towards us. She barked at DH tonight and he has had enough now.

Its my fault she is lazy as I just did everything for my kids and never really asked them to help out much at home - I regret that now. But as for the rest of it, we did not bring her up to be like this and ds was brought up in exactly the same way and he is totally different - maybe also bit lazy but very caring, unselfish and lovely.

She cant see anything wrong in the way she is either and we cant seem to have a conversation about it as I am seen to be just "having a go" at her all the time. When will it ever end? Its wearing me down.

So, end of rant and moving forward to another day of treading on eggshells in our house.

Thanks for the tip Euphemia on the 'Get out of my life' book. I have immediately bought it.
Will have to make one of those covers we used to do for school books so DD doesn't see it and roll her eyes (always rolling her eyes, best passive-aggressive 'you're a dork' technique. Ever.)

Good to hear that even if I had covered the fridge with chores' lists and raised a perfect young person they would revert to type when they hit 16.
I cannot believe where my little girl has gone and just like to think it is the 'dark side of the moon' analogy. Soon their mental spacecraft will bring them back into the light.

I have to confess to hitting the Sauvignon Blanc on weekdays much more since this phase kicked in.

Number42 I think you are right - when your children are being sweet and loving aged 10 you could not bear for them to go.

But when their bedroom looks like vagrants live there, they do no chores but expect to be waited on hand and foot, they can't read anything longer than a text and bite your head off as soon as look at you, well, leaving home to go to uni doesn't feel quite such a hard pill to swallow...

laughed out loud at vagrants in the bedroom

Selfish, rude, no empathy, lazy, lazy, fucking downright lazy as fuck. dirty, self obsessed, vain, tight with her money, argumentative, mean, evil sometimes, hard nosed, no respect, oh and did I mention lazy?

OK I'm adding stubborn as hell, pedantic and miserable as fuck to that list?

Fuck's sake, today I have very nicely asked DD 13 yr if she would accompany me to hairdresser (pre holidays) to get her hair trimmed and come shopping with me tomorrow to make sure she's got what she needs for holiday. Well, you'd have thought I'd asked her to climb Everest backwards on one leg...moaning, attitude, the lot. Give.Me. Strength.

Shady counts more grey hairs and opens

.......just off to plant my own sodding vineyard.............

It doesn't matter how nicely, gingerly, politely I ask dd to do something (like move her DMs from the middle of the kitchen floor, her make up from all over the table or even come down for some lovely dinner which I've made at her request) she growls, or shouts at me to leave her alone. I'm always on her case apparently.

She's been really selfish for a couple of years now but since GCSEs ended all those years ago (May) its gone into overdrive. She's the daughter/sister from hell.

She doesn't like the way other families breath or dare to exist near her. She has 3 brothers and I feel particularly sorry for the 10 year old having to grow up in such a hostile atmosphere with such a hateful person.

I've read the book years ago. Good for younger teens maybe but she's well past that. I tried years of carrot and months of stick but nothing works. I've had appointments with various mental health professionals but now I can't get her to attend those.

I agree it's evolutionarily necessary, but realistically it's too young for them to leave at 16. They have 2 more years of school (God help us all) and even then I don't see how on earth they can afford to go.

I never, ever in a million years thought I'd say it but I want her out. She does nothing to help, makes a disgusting mess and freaks out if I try to engage with her in any way. It's hellish.

But then, you all know that by the sounds of things.

Oh Spidermama I do empathise.

It was GCSEs that did for us last year.
These last two years have been awful for GCSE students with no early modules to take and about 25 exams spread over five weeks. Gruesome.
And then they have barely stopped reeling from that when they are into AS levels which are brutal.

Not that it helps any but it is hardly surprising they lose the plot to some extent.
I'm a bit disappointed to hear the book will be a waste of £6.28 but there may be one nugget in there that helps.

Can I ask Spidermama why the mental health professionals didn't work?
We have first appointment tomorrow.

I can cope with the untidyness etc but its the total lack of empathy towards her family that's so hard to deal with. She couldn't give a shit about how her actions hurt any of us but when its herself or one of her friends, then its drama city!

Biglaugh she had mindfulness sessions on Cahms for about eight weeks last summer. She used to make funny of them and say they were 'bullshit' but I think at least they gave her some tools.
She's supposed to be going to nlp sessions now. I managed to get her to the first one, then had to bribe her to get her to the second, and I simply couldn't get her to the third. I had to call the woman and apologise. She says she doesn't want to 'talk about her problems over a spider graph.

She's in a slightly better mood today but the next freak out/meltdown never far away.

I find it so hard trying to be the "adult" in this situation. I want to scream and shout and tell dd exactly what I think of her. But of course I can't. She had a mega blow up a few days ago and I was the one feeling guilty and bad about it the next day. In her mind her behaviour is perfectly fine so she has nothing to feel bad about. Its like a horrible rollercoaster of emotions but no nice ones. Aaaaargh

Well Its certainly made me feel heaps better reading all of these messages!
I noticed that most messages where about girls!! My youngest is down right revolting at the present has been since 12, shes 16 now. She told me today "I know you don't want me to leave home but i'm going to when I'm 18"....dunno where she got that idea about me not wanting her to go.

Anyway it all seems it could fall into place..Uni...she's bright, heaven knows how, and she wants independence, I think some bribery might just do the trick....Now problem is how does one converse with this thing??

I and my husband have had ups and downs with our daughter since she was 14.

She has just turned 18 and is sofa surfing currently, refusing to come home and get a job. She has already dropped out of college, and walked out of her second "dream job" in the last to years and has possession of a car registered in my name for which she has been paying insurance. That, I expect will be a problem for her pretty soon.

She is driving all through the night most nights of the week, which is why she lost her latest job and the main reason we have had this falling out.

We told her we do not want her driving the car between the hours of midnight and 6am, but she is continuing to do this. Most weekends she doesn't stop driving here there and everywhere until 4am!
The car is wrecked. The inside is covered in cigarette burns and ash and empty alcohol bottles and fast food containers. The outside is battered all around the body work.

We have told her no job, no car, which is why she is avoiding us so we can't take the car off her. She has called the police on us twice demanding a restraining order to protect her from us!!! We haven't actually seen her for almost a month - and to be fair, the police officers have been a little stumped as to why she is kicking off at this late stage, as they usually find this happening with 15 to 16 years olds.

I spoke to her a few times on the phone and she has been in tears saying she wants to come home and live a "normal life" but she also wants to have her freedom. By that she means being able to keep seeing the Dark Side (the lad we don't approve of, and for good reason I might add) and driving all through the night!. I have told her she can come home, but that she needs to get a job in order to keep the car and she needs to respect our rules when at home.

She has now been given the choice of staying away completely and keeping the car but having no financial support from us, or coming home and getting a job to be able to keep the car but have a driving curfew.

She chose to stay away.

I don't expect she will relent. She is as stubborn as we are and while she is getting money for fuel and food by giving lifts to her friends, she appears to be happy living hand to mouth. Perhaps when she gets through the teen tunnel she'll see the light and realise what a silly thing it all was.
Such is the reward for parenting. I should have got a puppy!

I notice not many of you have mentioned slamming doors! This has to be the most annoying thing the daughter does. That and slamming the phone down - which isn't actually slamming down but cutting you off mid...........

And another thing. She eats crap all the time and does no exercise whatsoever after being very active until a few months ago. When I try to point out that its not healthy and she will (is) going to start putting on weight (she's not thin to start with), she goes nuts and says she's not daft and does not care anyway. I think I will have to let her decide about that.

I've read all the comments with some kind of relief that I am not the only one!! I have a lovely DS of 16 who I have had the most wonderful relationship with up until about 6 months ago! It's so bad we are now at mum and son counselling where he is vitriolic as to what a rotten mum I am-I am in shreds. Some of it is blatant lies-the house is filthy being one of them whereas we own a small business and people are in and out-it has to be nice for them to come in!!! His father and I are really going through a bad time -the marriage is not good so there had been some arguing here which I try to keep away from DS but he obviously picks up on the vibes. At counselling he blames it all on me and tells her how wonderful his father is-he parrots every word of my husbands. He had me in tears at our last session. It is all like a bad dream here-Yesterday DS and I were out together until late afternoon-he was laughing, joking and it was as if none of the horrors had ever happened. Today again as we have another counselling session he is remote, off hand and has asked Dad to pick him up after. I don't know where the whole lot has come from-I may have faults like everyone but have loved him, cared for him gone through beavers, cubs and scouts with him, taking him to lovely places, reading and discussing his school work-GCSE's were an extremely tense time here too! I must add I hate cooking so do dinners but my husband does most meals-I clear and do all the other household chores. As well I work, do all my husbands business paperwork and all I get from DS is Dad earns all the money and he hates me?? Please tell me this will pass-I can't see an end to any of it! It's like a rollercoaster-never know what each day will bring it's so up and down-

GINKO my heart goes out to you that you're being treated like this. It sounds like a power trip by DS. He can treat you badly, so he is.

My advice would be to step back from the situation. Provide the essentials but don't engage and do be emotionally distant. Don't allow him to treat you badly. Be strong and in control as this is what teens respect. Don't show weakness or doubt, even if inside you are feeling it.

At the moment DS, aided by DH, is learning how to walk all over a female- something you both as parents should be clamping down on for the sake of your health and of DS's future relationships.

year of the goat -thanks so much!! My husband doesn't even ask how we get on with Counsellor? I have since called her and booked a separate session as can't say much in front of my DS without bringing up the marriage difficulties. Today my son is on the Xbox totally ignoring me-I've tried the 'how about we pop out for a lunch' but he's ensconced on the couch. Last nigh DH lost it big time as he has pressure with the business and all I got was it 's all my fault and I have got what I want!!! Oh yes a rotten marriage, a disrespectful son and sleeping tablets! I am not a weak willed victim type but this is doing me in-My DS of course just says leave dad alone!! Dad just avoids talking about it

GINKO is there anywhere you can go to get a break from the two of them for a few days? Any family or friends not too far away? Home sounds absolutely awful. You are getting no respect from DH, who should know better. Has he always been such a self-centred misery?

Individual sessions with the counsellor sounds like a good move. Would DS go by himself too? Then he wouldn't have the opportunity to do the power trip thing as you wouldn't be there as the audience. He does sound vile and angry at the moment. Have you any idea what he is really stressing about underneath? He probably doesn't have a clue but there might well be things bothering him or he might be feeling lacking in control about something.

Nothing changes, does it? I'm told I was the teenage-from-hell 45 years ago (mild by today's shenanigans they get up to/do), DD was definitely the cause of my grey hair (DH just backed off so of course everything was my fault) god knows how we/she ever survived her teens, because I certainly don't know.
My friend had her daughter late and eventually packed her off aged 18 as a nanny/au pair in USA because she said she was within inches of being done for GBH (husband in CID so wouldn't have Got away with it) if she didn't go.
I thank my lucky stars that eventually most of them do become civilised and lovely individuals but it's like a nightmarish Rites of Passage or larval stage or bloody endurance test we have to go through
Sure isn't fair!

I have read and reread all of the above and I know this will pass but feel I have lost my DS totally-I have to pussyfoot round constantly-yesterday was hell-he cooked a dinner to a recipe off the internet which I was so pleased about! When he stormed in with 'I thought you said we had tinned tomatoes'-I dutifully got them out of the cupboard to be yelled at as they weren't chopped but whole. No amount of coaxing would make him use them! Short of having a fight I ended up at the Coop!! Yes I could have said stuff that but then we back to square one with him storming into his room and not speaking again! On the upside he made a lovely meal for us all and even wished me goodnight! This is heart breaking-one part of me wants to slap him -the other ask him what is really up? I have booked myself 4 days away from Sunday. DH was fine and said go relax-DS hasn't mentioned it but I need that space to think!
I am stepping back as suggested and yesterday my Councillor called to see how things were-I said I am devastated, hurt and confused but I am being civil and only doing the necessary not bending over for my DS. She advised no confrontation and don't rise to the rude remarks but it takes a lot of swallowing! Looking forward to having civilised dinner and some wine when I get to that Hotel at the weekend-lots of books, swimming and chilling!! Bet the place will be like a bombs hit it when I get back!!

GINKO you're so right. It takes SO much swallowing that it hurts. I have a mantra I say under my breath which sometimes helps. 'water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back..."
Rising above it, whilst clearly the right thing to do, can be so difficult when you're living with someone who appears to hate your guts and have no respect.

I'm told it says more about what she feels about herself but I'm not sure. Maybe. Even so it's still extremely hard. Also, I hate feeling like a doormat and the tinned tomatoes story could have been told by me.

Have a good break. It's such a great idea if you can get away with it. Remember coming back can be a bit of a downer so perhaps you could organise something nice, like perhaps having a friend or two round one evening, a few days after your return. I remember coming back from a blissful three day yoga retreat and feeling as if I'd been dropped like a stone back into teenage hell.

Mumofateen1 I hope things improve for you. It sounds like you're doing the right thing, hard though it must be.
I believe there's a built-in evolutionary imperative for teenagers to reject parents and home because its necessary for them to make their own way therefore it would be harmful for that journey if they were to be too comfortable at home. It's a nasty trick of nature but it works. The only problem is that these days its's harder for them to leave home because we have so little affordable housing and university is extremely costly.

Good luck to all mums of teens. Let's support each other and dig deep. Remember: "WaterOffaDuck'sBackWaterOffaDuck'sBackWaterOffaDuck'sBackWaterOffaDuck'sBackWaterOffaDuck'sBackWaterOffaDuck'sBackWaterOffaDuck'sBack"

I learned that trick from Drag Queen Jinxx Monsoon who, as a very feminine boy, endured terrible teasing at school and used it as a coping strategy.

Other coping strategies include dancing, friends and

This could have been written by my mother about me. I cringe at the behaviour I exhibited at 16. I can clearly remember my righteous indignation at most of her requests/comments and the hatred that I felt towards innocuous things such as the way she ate her toast or answered the telephone.
I had, and am still very lucky to have, the most lovely mother. I don't think there was anything that would have prevented me being so foul.
Fortunately, I was fully 'over it' by 19 and others now describe me as kind, caring and compassionate.

Skippersocks my really good friend says this too about her teenage years. She's a really great a caring person now. She's also good fun, creative and someone who definitely enhances my life. This gives me hope for my DD.