DD 14 is so lonely and often sad. I don't know what to do...

[badasahatter]

My girl was great at primary school. There were always people around, always things going on. She got split up from her best friend when they went to secondary schools and the girl she was paired up with wasn't well suited, so they spent little time together. Gradually, she has become more isolated and I'm worried about her.

12 months ago she said that she was always sad. I know she's making a bit of a thing about it, but I also know that she's getting increasingly isolated.

All she wants to do is listen to songs about death and suicide...songs she says make her feel happier. I've tried to engage more with her and we have got a great relationship. I go to gigs with her, because no one else likes he music, but I'm her mum. She needs friends.

The six weeks holiday is coming into conversations and his year she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and I worry she'll be even more isolated. I've tried to encourage her to do activities, to join clubs, to have friends round, but she's having none of it. What can I do? Or should I leave her to it? Let her sort things out herself and just stay supportive? Any advice appreciated.

[5446]

Might be completely wrong, just picking up on the fact that she feels so different to everyone - I have always struggled with this idea until I read Elaine Aron 'Highly Sensitive Person' and it was like a lightbulb going off.

Does she often feel overwhelmed or overloaded quite often? The more you post about your DD, the more I recognise in myself, especially when I was 14 about 10 years ago.

Might be worth a Google to see if you/she recognises any qualities before buying the book, but it has been useful in giving me coping mechanisms and made me realise that I wasn't weird or abnormal, but different in a good way.

[badasahatter]

Thanks Twenty. I think caring is a common trait in all the people who've posted on this thread and I'm really grateful for the help they've given me.

5446 dd does feel overwhelmed and overloaded at times, so I'm off to check out that book...see if it's something I can talk her into reading. I'll leave it on the coffee table if she's not being responsive and if that doesn't work, I'll read it myself. I might be able to share a gem or two from it over evening meals. You have the advantage of being so much closer to 14 than I am.

Shady I feel for you. It's so hard to not yell, 'Get a grip. You're lovely. You've got everything you could want. What the hell have you got to be depressed about?' but our feelings are real for all of us, whether they are grounded in fact or perception and it's all relative. Modern life for our kids is a bit crap to say the least. I can't decide if it's worse without social media or if it would be worse with it. I think the latter to be honest.

At school, the constant testing and comparisons and telling kids they're not where they should be, not trying hard enough, not working hard enough, simply not good enough. That's enough to drive even the most balanced person a bit demented.

Hopefully our children will grow up with their quirky personalities to be adults who stand out from the crowd. Perhaps this is the pressure that's helping to make them into diamonds. Stay strong shady and your dd. I have a weird feeling it will all come good. If only the struggle wasn't so heart-breaking to watch in the meantime.

Anyways...off to Google Elaine Aron. Thank you.

[shadypines]

5446 that's interesting I must look at that too as my DD feels like this a lot, I dread her watching the news at times, she can't stand all the bad stuff and even sometimes says it's all her fault . I have to be on my toes all the time to try and talk her out of worrying about everything...it's exhausting! Hopefully it will be of help to OP.

Badas, I definitely feel modern life worse for kids, first two things that spring to mind are social media - just yuck and second, no TOTP every week (I'm 49 can you tell?)!

[shadypines]

By the way you sound like a great mum Badas, so caring. Your DD must take after you.

[5446]

shady it is definitely worth having a look. I wish I had read it when I was a teenager as it explained a lot about how I reacted to certain situations and the intense need to just get away.

One thing my parents always used to say to me (and still do!) was "it doesn't matter" when I would get myself so worked up about something that really mattered massively to me.

Another trait is perfectionism, which is something I am still struggling with. I find it difficult to make decisions as I want to get them absolutely perfect. The book is very good at vocalising feelings I have always felt, explaining why I feel like that and not minimizing them - but providing ways of readjusting negative thought patterns. It has a very positive, affirming view of HSPs and for once, made me feel like I was different in a good way!

You both sound like fantastic mums. I am mid 20s now but trying to get my DMum to read the book as I am hoping it will help her to see how I view things. She is aware of the "dark hole" as she calls it, that I get myself into.

I will say that things massively picked up for me when I moved to a smaller sixth form of approx 250 people where I was surrounded by others who were similarly minded.

I have since lived and worked in three different countries from the age of 20, currently in the process of moving to a fourth, building a great career with fantastic group of friends who live all around the world and a wonderful boyfriend. I think back to ten years ago, and the 14 year old me wouldn't have believed I could have achieved and done all of this!

[Rivercam]

Are there any local holiday clubs where she could help out, or help out at the local Brownies etc? Maybe working with children younger than her will boost her confidence.

[shadypines]

Many thanks 5446 and well done, that's inspiring.

[badasahatter]

I agree with Shady. That's so inspiring 5446 and offers some solace to parents of kids who are struggling now. You're the kind of example I've been looking for for ages.

I've ordered a hardcopy. I was going to get the Kindle version, but dd doesn't respond to me leaving my kindle about the place. Good job really, with some of the titles on there (I found 50 sheds of grey so funny).

I'm 50 Shady so totally get the black hole left by TOTP (although I was just discussing that and dd said 'what's top of the pops'?) We subscribed to Kerrang magazine and I like to think dd looks forward to getting her fix through the magazine every week. It's not the same though. Everyone used to talk about it the night after TOTP. Poor teens today :)

She won't look at anything to do with Brownies or Guides for some reason. I used to do Venture Scouts and she has a friend who does Woodcraft. I have tried so hard to get her involved in this kind of organised thing. From the angle of looking after others, though? She might go for that. I'll add it to the list for the holidays. Thanks.

[shadypines]

I hope Kerrang brings her as much weekly joy as Smash Hits did for me Badas ! Mmmm, don't suppose there are any 'penfriend' sections in any of these music mags? Just a thought. Yeah, I know what you mean about Guides etc, neither DD or her older DS are interested in anything like that. Last week I asked "why don't you give the church youth club a try?" Cue tumbleweed and icy silence....

[sherbetlemonD]

OP i'm sorry to hear your DD is going through this- i've been through it myself and it isn't easy. I'll tell you a bit more about it- not to make your worry, but just to be honest and to give it some perspective from someone who has been through it herself.

I was always bullied at school- I had a handful of "friends" that weren't really friends, they were quite manipulative looking back but I put my doubts to the back of my mind. I never saw them in school holidays/weekends, never got anything back in return for what I did for them- when I was 15 we decided to get drunk on a friends birthday and I spent over £100 buying booze for me, these friends and some friends of these friends with the promise of getting the £ back. Did I ever see a penny? Did I feck. It was soul destroying and led me into my depression.

I did have some friends from outside school- but things have come to light lately that has shown that again they have never really been friends. Tough letting them go after 10+ years but needed to be done.

I did fall into depression. I did loose all my self confidence. I have been suicidal. Moving to a large state 6th form from a small private school didn't help me- I was too much of an introvert to get on with people. I didn't know how to socialise with my peers.

My life changed dramatically 8 months ago- I started volunteering and met someone who has become like a surrogate mother to me. My confidence has grown in leaps and bounds and instead of living day to day- i'm starting to see the bigger picture. Sure my best friend is 20+ years older than me- but she really is that.

I guess what i'm trying to say is- get your DD to get involved with something. Volunteering in the local community, charity shop- whatever. Even if she doesn't meet people her own age- she will find people who care about her and want to see her succeed and it will give her the confidence to get on with people and help her make friendships with people her own age.


She is incredibly lucky to have a mum like you to look after her. for you both.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Can I just say what a fabulously supportive thread this is and shows Mumsnet at its best.

[badasahatter]

Hi Shady. I thought you'd found out where I live...the land of Tumbleweed and Icy Silence. Throw in eye-rolling and that's pretty much where I live whenever I suggest something or ask about something that she doesn't want to entertain. Typcial teenage traits, I figured!

Camel Normal service has been disrupted by people leaving and job restructures. It might be back to normal now, but I haven't contacted school about this formally. Informally, I let her English teacher know dd was struggling and she offered to keep an eye on her. I've left it at that so far. If things get dire again (they hit their peak (or depth) in January) I've told DD that I will ask school for help. She doesn't want me to, but I've told her that she needs support and that's all it will be. Fingers crossed we don't get to that point again.

Sherbet I'm so sorry to hear you had such an awful time. DD is lucky inasmuch as she has a few girls in school with her who have followed her from primary. Though not best mates, they are nice girls and not generally bitchy. She doesn't have trouble with bullying. I often say she's Teflon coated, as she shrugs off any unpleasant things that are said to her (well, as much as we humans can). One girl called her a lesbian once, and dd said 'so what if I am? I don't fancy you, so you'll be o.k'. She's not (or she doesn't think she is...I told her it would be fine if she was) but she's quick with a pithy rejoinder. She must get that off her dad! I am thinking of the volunteer stuff for summer. Fingers crossed she'll go for that but right now, I'm letting her study for her GCSE.

Exit I was thinking the same thing about this thread. Everyone has been so lovely and supportive. I always suggest Mumsnet if people are struggling or looking for advice. I warn them that the site can be a bit 'full on' at times, but it's generally constructive.

I am so hopeful for DD after this thread. I feel that there is the distinct possibility that she will be fine, eventually. I also have loads of ideas I can follow through. I ordered the book that was recommended and am looking forward to receiving it. I don't think I've felt so positive about dd's future in a long time, so thank you.

[twentyten]

So good to hear you are feeling more positive! It is so hard watching them suffer and not able to believe it will ever change and wanting so much to fix it. Looks to me that you are doing a great job. You will be amazed how much she will change in the next few years. Hang on in there.

[badasahatter]

Thanks Twentyten. I've had more flowers this last couple of days on MN than I've had in 24 years of marriage with dh! I might just drop that on him tonight. And he'll say one of two things...'You've spoiled it now. I was just thinking about buying you flowers but it won't be a surprise any more'(said on several occasions when I've mentioned flowers would be nice) or ' you know you kill flowers. It'd be like throwing our money away.' (which is sad, but true).

Parenting is a lonely job at times. I've got friends I made when dd was small, but all of us have changed our lives dramatically over the last few years and our kids have gone in such different directions, we don't tend to talk so much these days. Also, sometimes you have a major wobble and you know there's no one around. MN is perfect then for providing a sounding board and for giving you options to take action of some kind. I'm a bit cerebral, but my natural style is hands-on, doing stuff rather than thinking it through. That's why I've been so very grateful for all the positive things we can do, or at least talk about. MN at it's very best.

[twentyten]

Thanks badass! I have a couple of pre dd good friends who are now in their 70's ( but very active- one isThe trendiest dressed person I know!) who have really helped with perspective as a parent from further down the track- I have found their perspective has really helped and they can see me( and dd) from a different more balanced(!) perspective! Music or art or writing can help massively at this age I believe as an outlet- my dd has found doing art type stuff a brilliant antidote to exam stress for a2's.

[shadypines]

Badas okay we share the same tumbleweed environment and now you tell me you share my DH too....'You've spoiled it now. I was just thinking about buying you flowers but it won't be a surprise anymore I get the same thing said about an engagement ring which I've been waiting for for 19 yrs!!

But seriously, it was great to read you say you had a lot more hope for the future after this thread. Isn't it great that people can be so supportive of each other. And agree with you Exit, as sometimes I've been on here and thought 'never again'!

Sherbet I am glad things have worked out so well for you after going through such an awful time, what good advice, I'm listening to all this too for my DD and DS.

[sherbetlemonD]

She will be just fine bad. Friendships are hard at that age. I know this might sound condescending coming from someone who is only in her early 20s and has a lot to learn about life herself- but people are just more judgemental at that age. With age comes maturity. This is only a very small part of your DDs life- I hope she has many more years to come. I've been in a very dark place for a long time- people (including my own parents and other family) have used me for all of my life but i'm determined to make a change- i've not had a "normal" young persons life but my confidence has grown so much now I will do everything in my power to make sure it happens. Sure I might not have as many tales to tell about my teenage years in 20 years time- but I will have my fun. Just because it isn't happening for DD now doesn't mean it won't. All you can do is be there for her- i've never had that from my own mother and it would of meant the world to me.

And thankyou shady

[badasahatter]

sherbet you sound wise beyond your years and are closer to dd and her peers than I have ever been. We all have wisdom at different stages. Age is never a barrier to wisdom.

If you dont mind me saying, I'm at the other end of the age scale and I had a horrid childhood and I think I'm an OK mum and i am very content with my life. I learned to look for the good in people again (after a stage of really not liking or trusting anyone) and I try really hard to focus on what I have now. You sound like you are ahead of the game, city compared to me. I was 25 before I was on a position to offer help or advice to anyone. Til then I was a mess.

shady fingers crossed that ring will crop up soon. Mine gets there eventually. I got a ring from my old man this year for my 50th after years of hinting!

Have a lovely evening all

[sherbetlemonD]

Not at all bad. People often say i'm an old soul in a young body. I like to think it's because i've had to look after myself for all this time- i've faced many falls and I know I face a great many more- but that is just part of life and I have a huge positive in my life now.

I know things might seem the end of the world for your DD at the moment- society portrays teenagers as people who are popular and have lots of friends and i'm sure it frustrates her as it did me. Unfortunately- it doesn't always work out like that for whatever reason. I sometimes have my doubts about my life still (confidence, mostly)- but i'm 85% sure I have made a friend for a life and have someone I can turn to in an hour of need. She has done more for me than she realises- and despite how hard I work for her, I will never be able to repay her for what she has done for me. I still have a way to go yet- but me now compared to me 8 months ago? Completely different person with a complete different outlook on life.

Just be there for her, encourage her to follow other pursuits outside of school and let her know that no matter what she always has a friend- and that is you. Ultimately she has to make decisions for herself- but don't let her loose her fight.

And don't be so hard on yourself- you sound like a great Mum to me.

[shadypines]

Badas and Sherbet you both sound pretty remarkable to me, I have huge admiration for the wise things you have said on here and how supportive you both sound.

Congrats Badas on the ring! Worth being 50 I hope . I'm sorry you had a rotten time when younger, you have come through it so well.

I've had a tough few days with DD, it's been 'everyone is prettier than me, mum you don't like me cos I'm not as pretty as those other girls, I've got ugly hands, I'm too shy, and so on and so on....Question is what on earth do you do to give them more positivity (despite my constant encouragement and chats as it is)???? I think she needs a 'positive outlook transplant' or something! Thank goodness she seems a bit more happy today (never know what the day is going to bring!)

Another sunny evening, take care all.

[badasahatter]

I'm sorry I haven't been on line for a while. Nothing major...I joined a gym and it's taking up all my waking hours. Mainly because I'm so out of shape, it's making me sleepy as hell half an hour after I get home! So got to get this sorted before I go to Leeds Festival! Lol.

Sherbert you sound amazing. A good friend will always be there for you and you don't have to repay them. That's part of the deal. Instead, they are happy that you're their friend. You sound great and like you've got to a great stage in your life. Things do sometimes get better as you get older. I know they have with me.

Shady you sound so lovely. The rings alright...not Tiffany's or owt, but it does a job :) And I feel horrible about the things your daughter is saying. I think, as you say, all you can do is stay positive and encourage her as best you can. Kids seem to have their own thought processes and it's hard to get them out of the bad habits and thoughts. You can only do your best. Here's hoping that your daughter realises how beautiful she is and that she is not too shy, she's perfect exactly as she is.

My daughter wisely told me the other day that she's not so unhappy about not being happy at school (if you know what I mean) because she read somewhere that people who are really happy at school often have trouble transitioning to the adult world and never really hit those heights again! I'm sure that's not true in all cases, but if it makes dd feel better, I'll say she has a point there and congratulate her on her wisdom and positivity.

Exams will be over on Wednesday (woo hoo) and I can't wait to stop walking on eggshells. Roll on summer. My girl has worked so blardy hard to get here, she'll enjoy it even if I have to force her!!!

[shadypines]

Thanks Badas, I've started sending my DD emails as a way of communicating now! We don't stop talking but sometimes it's so hard to get her to listen without interrupting so it's just another option!

Yes exams over DS1 is currently still in bed on his first day of his 3 months off , no mates on the horizon 99% of time so I'm ringing round to get him a little part time job...fingers crossed.

I know what your DD means and as you say that's prob happened to some but not all but at least she has found a coping mechanism there and like you say she is showing some good qualities!

I hope you enjoy your summer with her and good luck with the gym! Hope to still see you around on here and anyone else who wants a 'chat'.

More ...hope you've got enough vases!!!!!!!!!!

[Gatekeeper]

how have things been since you last posted?