DD 14 is so lonely and often sad. I don't know what to do...

[badasahatter]

My girl was great at primary school. There were always people around, always things going on. She got split up from her best friend when they went to secondary schools and the girl she was paired up with wasn't well suited, so they spent little time together. Gradually, she has become more isolated and I'm worried about her.

12 months ago she said that she was always sad. I know she's making a bit of a thing about it, but I also know that she's getting increasingly isolated.

All she wants to do is listen to songs about death and suicide...songs she says make her feel happier. I've tried to engage more with her and we have got a great relationship. I go to gigs with her, because no one else likes he music, but I'm her mum. She needs friends.

The six weeks holiday is coming into conversations and his year she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and I worry she'll be even more isolated. I've tried to encourage her to do activities, to join clubs, to have friends round, but she's having none of it. What can I do? Or should I leave her to it? Let her sort things out herself and just stay supportive? Any advice appreciated.

I could have written your post a few years ago.
14 is such a difficult age - especially if you are not one of "the crowd".

Singing lessons would be a great idea - maybe outside school. I can testify to that from personal experience. From there, she might consider a drama group or a band. Sometimes it is easier to do things outside school if there is an issue around fitting in in the school group.

You are doing the right thing by talking and supporting.
Also - consider whether there might be a hormonal aspect to this. What are her periods like?

The thought of joining groups can be overwhelming and daunting, but taking small steps might be the answer.

I don't know where you are, but you are welcome to PM me if you would like to and I will try and share a bit more of my experience..

When you say old bf would go swimming with you .... dont you mean DD... would you drop them off to get on with it? Could a friend go camping with you both.... you take a huge book? Could you find an adventure centre type day and drop them there? What about a writing coarse lots in the library?

Howcanitbe, I agree, I know many teens who were not social animals at least until they were in the sixth form - and then sometimes in their own individual way . I think you are quite right about the extra stresses involved - I know my dd used to really enjoy seeing family, neighbours, and old family friends (she still does actually).

Thanks again for the responses. 5446 your experience is how I picture things happening. I tell dd often that she might not find her friends til later in life. I think the smaller class sizes and sharper focus of 6th form helps. She hates school at the moment (constant blooming testing) but I've told her that things will get easier if she decides to go to uni. Fingers crossed on all that. I did think of forums, but with her being a bit vulnerable, I said we'd have to police it. DD said no. She's really private, I'd say secretive, but I don't think she has any particular skeletons in her cupboard. She loves the fact that we leave her to her own devices most of the time and trust her judgement. I've explained the internet doesn't work that way and she gets it. She just doesn't want to be 'watched'.

Lalsy we are a small, aging family. No children at all on DH's side, loads on mine, but they've all got to the age where there are small grandchildren involved (I'm the youngest of 6...7 years between me and next sister...they all had children early). Also, we moved away from them, so no-one is local. We get together Christmas, holidays, and that's about it. I know I was an isolated teen, but I was bullied severely, which I'm thankful hasn't happened to dd. She's more wallpaper girl. Blends in, gets on, but doesn't stand out. My social skills are pretty good right now though. I learned later in life. And I have just started uni myself, so I show her that it's possible to make new friends in weird circumstances. Hopefully that role-modelling will pay off.

3littlefrogs I had planned external singing lessons as school offer nothing. Money is so tight for them. In terms of periods, she never complains, but again, is private about it. I will pm you later for a bit more info, if you don't mind.

How We didn't push for exams with the last teacher. We had swapped for that reason and the new teacher did try to cater to her tastes, but the music was a bit dry. It's inevitable at her stage in the process. They aren't going to be able to play the latest Sleeping With Sirens hit straight away, lol. We bought her books and sheet music and she does dabble occasionally. She concentrates on guitar. Self teaches and plays with her dad. He has a small group of people back to the house on a Sunday to play and she joins in with that. It's been great for her confidence and she's blended in well. They are much older though!

Mumofthree sorry..I did mean I'd just ferry them. Too much lady-garden maintenance involved in me going swimming with them! I've offered shopping in different towns, the usual bowling, cinema, etc, but they are at the age where they'd rather I didn't even take them places. I did wonder about more extreme sports though, like zip-wires or dry slope skiing. I'll check out what's around.

Sorry to be long-winded, but thanks all of you. I've got plenty to think about now.

Lady garden maintenance !!! totally with you!!!

OP, I think it is lovely your dd enjoys playing guitar with her dad's mates! At 14, both my dc had a quiet social life - you are spot on they don't want to be ferried or organised by parents but many are too dopey, disorganized or immature (in the nicest possible way) to fight their way out of a paper bag and make a proper arrangement.

It's horrible when your kids aren't popular, because you can see them for who they are. You can see how funny they are, how kind they are, how much fun they can be. Why can't everyone else see that

So true, OP , so true, I think this all the time about my lovely daughter,(now 13yr) she would give pocket money to charity, from the age of 8 or 9 rather than get some sweets for herself. Still struggling for friends though, it makes me

Anyhow I am glad you sound a bit more upbeat and have received some useful ideas on here. Your daughter sounds strong and you're doing a great job.

This was me at 14. Didn't click with anyone at school and was always on my own. What helped me was going to 6th form college at 16 where I met other music fans and a more interesting varied crowd. It bought me out of my shell and I became really popular all of a sudden. I also went to some after school music workshops which helped. I am very selective with friends now and thinking back, I was probably like this at school. I isolated myself because nobody was into the same stuff. I think some teenagers are more malleable and chameleon like and will get into whatever their peers are into. She just needs opportunities to meet like minded people. It will happen.

I'm sorry you and your DD are struggling. I also have a girl in year 8 who has always struggled socially (and who suffers with anxiety, but not sure how closely they are related). It was OK in primary as was mainly the mums who arranged playdates so she was busy enough, but this year it's harder as she has to do her own social arrangements and she can't be bothered a lot of the time. She does have two 'best' friends at school, but it's not really enough in terms of having that wider group to go out with in the holidays. She also fell out with one friend who was good at the social side, so that closed off a lot of options. I am hoping that as she gets older she will see the benefit of having a good social life and wont rely on one or two people (or me). She hates me hassling her about going out, but I don't want her to sit in her room and draw all day. I find myself that the more I stay in, the more I can't be bothered to go out so it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Personally I found my social life at around 15 by joining a club (I tried a few until I found the right one), and over the course of a year met some great friends, some of whom are still my best friends nearly 30 years later. I would encourage your daughter's musical interests (the band sounds good) and at least take her out with you so she is getting out there.

Thanks again for all the feedback. Sometimes I think it helps knowing that your child isn't being freakish in being alone, and that it isn't that she's destined to be lonely for ever (a ludicrous thought, but it does cross my mind from time to time) but just that school isn't always the place where they meet their best friends.

Shady I do wonder if this struggle is part of the process that makes them stronger, in a weird way. I know that I'm all the better with people for knowing what it feels like to be isolated and anxious. I have more empathy than perhaps I would have if I'd been popular when I was young because I remember that feeling of being alone. Urghh... I wouldn't be a teenager for a pension. Poor little blighters. And today it's harder with all this social media stuff. So glad my girl doesn't engage with that ...even if that does mean she's more isolated.

goteam I'm hoping dd will find more friends at 6th form, or wherever she ends up being. I'm often torn between worrying that she will get so miserable she'll harm herself (self harm is prevalent at her school) and wondering whether she'll be the next Richard Branson (but without the beard). I'm generally an optimistic soul, so I tend to dwell more on the positive. Hopefully that'll rub off on her at some point!

The only good thing about her being lonely Justdance is that she doesn't have much in the way of friendship issues. No great highs, no great lows, which is great for a non-conflicted life, but let's face it...as you get older, you realise that the highs are well worth the lows and you have to experience both to live well. Right now, her highs are restricted to bands/meeting singers, lows to school. If I can get her to do something more organised, I will try but she's in that self prophesising lonely place and has that terrible teenage motivation drive. Getting out of bed is too much trouble most weekends, let alone engaging with other human beings! Still, if I check to see what's out there again, as I tend to occasionally, maybe something I mention will chime with her.

Thank you again so much for the comforting words and the ideas. Alla re much appreciated.

OP...you mean to say you too have a DD that doesn't engage in social media??? OOh thought it was just mine . Infact I started a thread on this about a month ago because my DD was so fed up of being left out in the playground and her 'friends' were constantly blabbing about FB and Instagram and she feels left out as she's not interested. Agree I would not like to be a teen these days, I'm sure I'd be bored to the back teeth with it!

Can your DD really not look around at various classmates and not see that there are others in her position? I'm sure if she looks more closely she'll spot them. They may not naturally have much in common but friendships do develop in the strangest ways!

RandomMess, I don't think you can expect a child of 14 who feels different to look around and see who else in in the same position. It just doesn't work like that when you think you are different to everyone else.
You are right in one sense as my DS at 6th form college found common ground with a lad who'd been in his tutor group at school for the previous 5 years! but he'd never spoken to before as he sat at a different side of the classroom and they hadn't had any opportunity to get to each other.

I was in your DD's shoes when I was at school because we moved to the area and I didn't fit with the existing friendships groups. I was on the outskirts of a lot of them and felt lonely a lot but it all changed at sixth form/uni and my friends from that time of my life are still my best friends now. You might have to do all you can and then wait this period out.

I have found sixth form college to be a great step forward.
I really think my dd would have had a complete breakdown if she had stayed at her school.
OP - your comment about self harm being prevalent at your dd's school is absolutely chilling.

shadypines I was so pleased she didn't do the social media thing but wonder, now, if it isn't making her more isolated. In my days you were left out if you didn't like the Bay City Rollers, lol. Different era, different monitor of conformity, I guess.

Random I guess teenagers are the same as us...we aren't always drawn to the people that are most like us. They also don't have much in the way of logic at this stage. I tried to match her up with my friend's daughter, as I know she was struggling socially, but they don't like each other enough to work it out. They even like the same music, but the chemistry isn't there. At some point, she might realise you have to work at friendship. As 2cats says, she feels so different to everyone else and that's almost a defining characteristic for her. I get frustrated sometimes at how she almost embraces this 'otherness' whilst at the same time complaining about how lonely/sad she is. No poop, Einstein?? my brain says, but my mouth just asks if there's anything I can do to help and tells her that she'll be good, one day.

red I have a feeling she'll stay at her school, because there is familiarity there and she has 'friends' as in people she knows and can rub along with. I will make sure she thinks about alternatives though, when the time comes. I might stress the benefits of college over school and let her decide from there.

3littlefrogs The self harming thing is chilling, but sadly, it's become such a part of mainstream culture. All Time Low's latest single called 'Kids in the Dark' has a line that goes 'beautiful scars on critical veins'. It sounds such a jolly little number too. Just shows to go...Fingers crossed she won't take that path.

I think all I can do for now is keep communications open, encourage her whenever I can, highlight the things she's doing right, suggest alternatives when things go wrong, put up with the eye rolling and the strops and keep trying. Support from here has helped me get over a real bridge in attitude. I was starting to feel like I'd failed as a parent, or should be doing something different, but the posts on here have both reassured me and given me ideas to take on board. Thank you.

It was certainly around that age that I learnt to talk to others, ask questions etc. so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that pointing out to her that other people at school will be lonely too and you know it may just be worth learning to at least build enough of a friendship to have people to pass the time of day with during school hours even if there's not enough chemistry to become proper friends.

It's life skill we need to learn and often long lasting friendships do spring from unexpected sources!

I think you're doing great as I think my patience would have worn very thin after such a long time.

Wise post badass. We also just want to fix things for them. It is worth thinking about volunteering/ working- my dd has done washing up for 3 years now (just a short shift per week) and that has really helped her social skills. And good for cv- will she do d of e?

You're right, Random. I do try to encourage her and it is something that she's got to learn. She does manage to pass the day with people and her teachers say that she's great in group work. Always manages to get the task allocated done, can lead without taking over, encourages others and has great empathy. She has 'friends' that she talks to at school, just not that special friend. She can be friendly, but isn't as assertive as she might be and will wait for others to make the first move. She's also looking for that close connection she had with her primary school friend, but lost. She is still friends with that girl, but they've grown up in different ways. Her old bf is very internet savvy and is in with the cool group. Most of her friends drive my dd demented as they are so interested in looks, clothes and internet and dd? Not so much. Her classes will change again after the holidays and I know she'll end up with more new people then. She does have a lot to learn in terms of friendship skills, and I know that I need to encourage that. It's definitely a long-term project.

I will ask her about voluntary work twenty. It's something I've been looking at for the summer for myself, so I might try to get her involved with me. I haven't mentioned DofE because she's on exam revision duties right now. 1 GCSE module down...2 to go. As soon as she's finished I'll be talking about all the things raised here and anything else I can think of besides. Thanks for the posts.

It is difficult if you're a personality I wants/needs/thrives with a special close friendship.

to your dd. I wonder if scouts or cadets would be more her thing?

Perhaps something like these - the songwriting one especially might appeal to her

www.summer-schools.info/music/

Great link cdtaylorants. I started thinking, well that's just made me want to live in London. Then I got to page 2 and I realised that there are venues outside London. I'm flicking through them now. Thank you.

Great idea. Get her focussed on doing a task- the people bit will come with it. There are lots of uni faster days etc available too- stem courses for science/ maths etc. lots to look at! All help build her experience and confidence. You sound a really caring mum.

Badas the more you describe her, the more I see my daughter... eg she feels so different to everyone else and that's almost a defining characteristic for her. I get frustrated sometimes at how she almost embraces this 'otherness' whilst at the same time complaining about how lonely/sad

I cling on to the hope that one day she'll meet someone she connects with and be fine and hope the same for your DD. I'm glad you've had such a good response and it has helped you.