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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What can I do?

60 replies

Everythingzrosie · 05/05/2015 14:49

Ds is 17 next month. He has a girlfriend. He asks to stay over at hers so we set a compromise of one weekend a month, the rest of the time he goes after work until 10pm then he needs to be home. He has had his weekend at hers last weekend. So this weekend gone, he was to be home.

He went to hers on the Saturday afternoon (I said twice that he had to be home at 10pm that evening) it's now Tuesday and he's still not home. He sent me a text at 10.02pm on the Saturday saying he would be home early in the morning (I never replied to this text) He didn't come home.

Today he casually comes home to get something during his lunch break-no apology, no hi mum-nothing.

I have told him I would appreciate it if he was home by 8pm tonight so we can talk.

I still have parental responsibility for him until he is 18, regardless if he is a working young man, I have made him aware of this. I want to give him freedom but within that, respect for his parents and the rules we set.

Now I need advice on what to say to him considering what I have said to him so far seems to go in one ear and out the other and he still does as he pleases, regardless of the worry he is causing me and his dad.

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 14:35

I am just pissed off right now and I have gone out of my way (as any decent parent does) to help him progress and make something of his life

You can be worried for him, and upset at his current situation, but this behaviour is not against you. You are taking it personally when it is not personal.

I also want my two young babies to not be woken by him. hence the curfew.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to manage a teenager and two young kids. But they are not his kids, they are not his responsibility and his life should not be overly restricted because of a choice you made. Yes, he should respect the household, and have common courtesy. Come in quietly, let you know where he is etc, but not completely miss out on his life because of his siblings.

As for the situation with his work, maybe you could try to find out why he is showing up late etc. Is he unhappy there? His life isn't over because of one bad apprenticeship, please get a bit of perspective before you go off at him and inevitably push him further away. Is it possible that he hasn't approached you with any problems in his life for fear of how you will react?

As for his gfs living situation, frankly that is none of your business.

JeanSeberg · 06/05/2015 14:35

I feel sorry for him. You've had a new family and he's feeling pushed out. Relationship with his stepdad isn't great (does he see his father?) and he's restricted from seeing his girlfriend. And now he's got problems at work too.

What was his boss's suggestion to improve things or has he had his last chance?

Dosydoly · 06/05/2015 17:53

I get the feeling you really don't like the girlfriend and you feel almost vindicated now he's in trouble at work. I also have a teen and two small children so I understand it can be tricky to keep everyone happy.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2015 17:57

massive drip feed alert

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 06/05/2015 18:01

One of he biggest drip feeds I've ever read!

Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 06/05/2015 19:54

? Drip feed? Whats that meant to mean?

OP posts:
Dosydoly · 06/05/2015 20:04

It means there was more relevant information than you gave. I don't agree though you didn't know about the work thing til today so you couldn't have given the information :)

HubertCumberdale · 06/05/2015 20:19

Your almost 17 year old doesn't have a key? And has a 10pm curfew?

Can't say I'm surprised he's rebelling. Treat him with a bit more respect. Why should he act like a responsible adult? He doesn't get treated like one.

Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 06/05/2015 20:41

O I see, well as I have pointed out, I have a newborn and a 16 month old so I can't sit on here and write an essay, I have to get it typed quickly and hence my long pauses..and yes the fact that the work thing has cropped up after my OP

he doesn't behave like an adult-not taking work seriously, lying to me, disappearing for days on end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 06/05/2015 20:46

I have no problem with his girlfriend, he has never introduced her. Not that he needs to as I know her and her family, well. I do worry that my ds is living in an already cramped flat when he has a perfectly good double bedroom of his own in his home.

I have been completely excluded from my DS life.

His biological dad left when I was 4 months pregnant so no he has never met him. DH adopted DS in 2011 at my ds request.

OP posts:
sherbetlemonD · 06/05/2015 20:54

Can see it from both sides.

I get you want more respect from him on the fact that a text would be nice to let you know where he is- but i'm in his camp on everything else.

He could be in love, with his soulmate and not wanting to do anything else- there isn't anything wrong with that. You might scoff and think "he's only 16"- but I know someone who met her partner at 16 and they are still together nearly 30 years later. It happens.

If you want me to be honest (and why wouldn't you) you sound a tad controlling. I guess it must be difficult being a parent of 2 little ones and then a teenager- but there's a big difference and you need to accept that and adapt your parenting with him a little bit.

sherbetlemonD · 06/05/2015 20:57

OP have you not thought if you changed and stopped giving a practical adult a hard time about his choices in life he wouldn't exclude you as much? I also agree with slice about the work situation and not approaching you out of fear of how you will react. Maybe he's keeping things under wraps and just wants to be away from you because of that.

It's hard being controlled by a parent when it's time to have your own life- your not as bad as mine but rest assured I certainly won't be coming back when I leave and unless you change I can see it going the same way.

Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 06/05/2015 21:05

I didn't see it as controlling him, I was trying to be there for him and help where I could but that is being seen as control? I have never been a parent to a teen so I am learning as I go along and I will make mistakes. I don't have anyone in real life with a teen boy to compare notes or get advice, that's why I resort to here.

OP posts:
sherbetlemonD · 06/05/2015 21:17

Of course you will. And apologises if I seemed a little harsh- I didn't mean to be.

You've got to let him live his own life. 18 is a number- you could be 18 and still wanting to play with dollies and Barbies or you could be 18 with your own stable career, house and kids. Basically what i'm saying is a number doesn't reflect maturity. Sure it's a bit immature not to text your Mum and let her know your alright- but how many 17 years old do? Really. Not many- I know I didn't and I doubt many people on this thread do. What would you do if this was 30 years ago and mobile phones didn't exist? I think it's a little extreme to even mention "washing your hands of him" over this. What would you do if he turned to drugs or became an alcoholic or committed armed robbery- bury him under the patio?! I don't mean to cause panic/concern- just trying to stress that this is perfectly normal behaviour for a late teen/practical adult and something you might just have to accept.

Unless there isn't something you aren't saying OP I can't wrap my head around the fact that you are imposing so many rules on him. He might genuinley just be miserable with his life and not know how to approach it with you.

My suggestion would be to send him text, just say your concerned and would a chat with him. Don't turn it into an argument- he will clam up and run away.

You've got to compromise and I don't think it's something your willing to do.

TaintedAngel · 06/05/2015 21:28

My teen years seem like a mirror image of your DS.
I met my fiance at 17. My parents were very strict in terms of I had to be home by a certain time and did not allow me to stay over night until I was 18 and even then it was on their terms. I respected this as we had only been together a few months. however even after I was 18 - and had been working ft since I was 16 - my parents worried I was neglecting friends etc to spend all my time with my DP. it was a massive issue in our relationship and was the centre of so many arguments and loads of resentment on both sides. fast forward 8 years me and DP are engaged living together and still spend all of our time together but we still have our friends.
don't worry about your DS. if it works with his gf he will resent you treating him like a child and will hold it against you. if it doesn't work out he will learn his own lesson and will change his approach to relationships with his next gf. let him be an adult and live the life he wants.

Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 06/05/2015 21:40

Thank you both for your replies-they are both very helpful.
I would never wash my hands of him. I will always be there for him and have been when hes done stupid things that could have been serious life changing events.
I guess I am feeling a sudden mum of 2 instead of 3 as he doesnt need me.

I will leave him be for a few days and will contact him to see if he wants tochat then.
Thanks again :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/05/2015 22:27

he still needs you, rosie

just not in the way you think he does Smile

sliceofsoup · 06/05/2015 23:10

He does still need you. He needs you to just listen. Without judging or advising.

Who knows exactly who they are when they are 17? Very few people. He is still trying to work it out, and my guess is that for whatever reason he is struggling with life at the minute, and spending time in a house that has no meaningful investment in his life is preferable to coming home and facing the music.

If the apprenticeship doesn't work out, it isn't a failure. Rather an experience to learn from. That isn't for him, and move on.

I also suspect that helping his friend give up crack might be affecting him more than he even wants to admit to himself, let alone you.

I think he actually needs you now more than ever.

Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 07/05/2015 07:11

Thank you-I hope he still needs me, I miss him, I miss his cheek. I hope that our mother/son relationship can be rebuilt.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 07/05/2015 08:01

Could you not invite his girlfriend for a meal one evening/weekend?

Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 07/05/2015 10:33

I could try Smile As in I am very willing for this to happen, I am not sure she would want to. I will ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 10/05/2015 11:12

He quit his apprenticeship Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingzrosie · 10/05/2015 11:13

sliceofsoup I think you have hit the nail on the head and I need to remember what you have said, thank you x

OP posts:
sliceofsoup · 10/05/2015 13:56

I am sorry to hear about the apprenticeship.

Is he home? Have you talked? Does he have an idea of his next move, or does he just need some time to work things out?

maccie · 10/05/2015 14:56

Hello Rozie

I also have a DS who was 17 in March, and have a 14, 7, and 2 year so I can sympathise with you on how it is hard to meet everyone's needs when those needs seem to be at odds with each other. I have to remind myself that I choose to have children with a gap in their ages and that it isn't the fault of any of the DC when that makes it harder to do what they need.

I find it very hard to reconcile your DS not having a key to his own home. Both my eldest 2 got a key to the house when they started high school. My son fairly regularly comes home after midnight and lets himself in. The only condition this comes with is that he has respect for those of us already settled for the night, so no door slamming, TV volume kept low, and no friends in unless arranged previously. Sometimes this means he's knackered in the morning for college but I won't say a word about it as its his choice. It's rarely 2 late nights in a row Ashe has learnt by making mistakes that he can't concentrate properly if he does.

At 17 they are not children any more. In some ways that hurts but you haven't lost them they are just turning into an adult you can love instead. My son has recently supported a friend through the bereavement of a parent and another friend who found herself unexpectedly pregnant with a very unsupportive boyfriend, both subjects were just casually dropped into conversations and it really makes you open your eyes that they are living real lives with real issues and their own considerations. It made me proud that he had turned into a young man with friends who can turn to him for advice and support.

He's not just my little boy anymore he's a almost adult I have spent 17 years getting ready to face the world, now I have to let go out into that world and hope he can handle it. He probably won't get it all right but it can be more of a learning experience if the get it wrong and then have to find a way to fix it.

Your DS won't get a chance to make mistakes and learn from them if he is just obeying your rules and following your advice all the time. In the nicest possible way you have to cut the apron strings now and start letting him make his own choices. If he has screwed up his apprenticeship then I wouldn't give him grief I would ask him what he's planning to do now. Why he is making that choice, what's making him think that's the best choice, and how he's going to make that happen?

Make his choices his responsibility and then support him in them even if you personally think its the wrong choice. Keep the lines of communication open at all costs.