What can I do?

[Everythingzrosie]

Ds is 17 next month. He has a girlfriend. He asks to stay over at hers so we set a compromise of one weekend a month, the rest of the time he goes after work until 10pm then he needs to be home. He has had his weekend at hers last weekend. So this weekend gone, he was to be home.

He went to hers on the Saturday afternoon (I said twice that he had to be home at 10pm that evening) it's now Tuesday and he's still not home. He sent me a text at 10.02pm on the Saturday saying he would be home early in the morning (I never replied to this text) He didn't come home.

Today he casually comes home to get something during his lunch break-no apology, no hi mum-nothing.

I have told him I would appreciate it if he was home by 8pm tonight so we can talk.

I still have parental responsibility for him until he is 18, regardless if he is a working young man, I have made him aware of this. I want to give him freedom but within that, respect for his parents and the rules we set.

Now I need advice on what to say to him considering what I have said to him so far seems to go in one ear and out the other and he still does as he pleases, regardless of the worry he is causing me and his dad.

[maccie]

Also meant to say that I left home days before my 17th birthday due to very heavy restrictions and a refusal to accept that I wanted to make the decisions regarding my own life. My parents knew the best way but I wanted to do things my way.

I made some terrible decisions along the way but at least they were my decisions.

I would like my son to be able to make his choices but to have some support along the way. A sounding board when he wants it but most importantly for me is that he knows that he can get things wrong and ask for help.

[JeanSeberg]

What happens practically now given they are supposed to be in education till 18?

Try to keep calm and look at the long game here, easier said than done I know.

[Everythingzrosie]

maccie I didn't choose my childrens age gap, I got with DH when DS1 was 4. We had to go through 4 lots of IVF to get DS1 a sibling and it took many years of Miscarriages and heartache to get DS2 (DS3 was a shocking surprise miracle). The reason DS1 doesn't have a key is because he has stolen from us when left to his own devices at home. So I have a trust issue with him. Hence my need to have a bit of 'control' in my home.

I understand what you are saying, I can see your points about letting him make mistakes, he has made a major mistake in his life that could have had a huge impact on his life and ours. So in a way I am trying to make sure I know where he is, what he's up to because I cant cope with him doing something so major again.

jeansberg good point, he has gone and got a part time job at tesco.

he just keeps coming back, filling another bag of his stuff and leaving again. not talking.

[JeanSeberg]

The time for straight talking has come. Enough tip toeing around him and blaming it on the younger siblings. Get round to the girlfriend's place and speak to everyone involved, including her parents.

[maccie]

Sorry roscoe I didn't mean to sound like I was blaming your choice to spread the age range. I also have the range because of the same reasons I should of just stuck to saying it hard to balance the differing needs.

With the information you have added it's clear to see why you have extra concerns and tighter control.

I didn't wish to upset you when your already worried.

[Everythingzrosie]

Of course not maccie and i wasnt taking it that way :) no upset caused. Im so frustrated by it all. I wish i could have written it all properly so i could explain how and why but i dont have the time so having to 'drip feed' as others put it.
I would go round hers but ds1 wont let me know the number, i know the street.
I feel so rubbish, my ds1 getting yet more stuff and leaving. His brother is aware of him not being around and its breaking my heart

[maccie]

Put £10 in his hand as he leaves Rosie and tell him your always his mum and always here when he wants you. Don't let it break down completely between you. Let him know the door is open for him to keep a relationship with you.

[Everythingzrosie]

When I see him next il give that a go. I miss him so much.

[PeaceOfWildThings]

Rosie, you are not the only family going through this. I know of a few where teenagers have moved out, apprenticeships go awry and friends with MH/addiction problems come first.

Our own susituation has different stresses and strains but the advice you have been given here is wonderful. I want to thank you for posting because a lot of what has been said has helped me this morning too.

The change in you is grwat. He will notice. Be calm and warm and welcomi g around him and make the most of it. Offer washing services and pizza delivery....

[Everythingzrosie]

Peaceofwildthings-im glad my post has helped you, its certainly helped me :) I swing from wanting him to not bother coming round so i dont have to deal with whats coming next, to wanting to hug the life out of him. He seems so mature yet immature all in one go. Being his mum means the world to me yet hes living with someone elses mum who had taken my role. She washes his clothes, gets to chat with him, gets to see him and I get none of these things. It hurts. I hope your situation improves after this great advice from here :)